It's been a month and a day since Alexis died.

Wow I can't believe it has been a month and a day since Alexis died. It still seems unreal. What has been heavy on my mind tonight is just thinking of those moments when you pass from life to death. She was here once second and gone the next. I am resting in her bed just remembering her and wondering about those last seconds. I think it happened so fast she didn't know what hit her and I don't th...ink she suffered , for that I am thankful.

It is just that she is gone. I was looking at her 100 bottles of shampoo, conditioner, and face wash :)) remembering the endless conversations that we had about her skin. I would assure her that when she got older she would appreciate the oily skin that caused her such embarrassment in her teens because she would look young. She didn't want to hear it , she just wanted clear skin. She was so mad that she was 20 and still breaking out. Tonight , sadly I thought she will never grow older to see that I was right :)

What was really strange is I saw her on Tuesday June 5th and her face was broken out, she was even telling me about another product she wanted to try to clear up her skin. On Thursday when I saw her after she died her skin was clear, not a blemish. This was much more noticeable at the funeral home on Friday after she had been cleaned up. I was amazed that her skin was so clear. I think that was a God thing, I really do. She looked as if she was sleeping peacefully and her skin was beautiful. There was a softness to her that made me want to embrace her. That was a gift to all of us :)) I just knew she would be so happy to finally have clear skin. So thankful to God for how he has and continues to reveal himself to me during this time. I just miss her so very much and sad that the future that was looking so much brighter for her ended abruptly. But honestly her future is brighter than ever now because she is living with the Lord and has no more pain. She is in a better place and I will see her one day and when that day comes it will be as if we were never apart.
Revelation 21
4 ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’[b] or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”

At one time I was somewhat frightened to die but now I'm not. Sammy and I discussed that tonight . And really our time on this earth is nothing compared to eternity, it is a flash . So although I was sad ( and that is normal ) I am full of hope and joy knowing God is the leader of my life , trusting HIS plan although I don't understand it. My faith is so strong and I BELIEVE. Faith is like wind , you can't see it but you know it is there.

Hebrews 11:1 Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.

I love that :))

The second to the last entry of Alexis' journal :(

Here is the next entry in Alexis' journal. It was the next to the last one and I wish I could find more. She didn't date this one, it came after 1/11/12 and before 2/22/12 because that is the date of her last entry.

All I know is after she started working  at the church she felt better about herself and her life . That makes me happy. She was so happy to get this job at the church and she did what she had to do. It was a hard job, she cleaned the church: rooms, windows, toilets, and whatever needed to be cleaned. It was hard physical work but hard work builds character and you can see by her writing that she felt good about becoming responsible.

Thanking God that she got this job, it was the platform for the change in her life. There were times she would cry to me that it was hard and she didn't like cleaning toilets and I would just tell her I was proud of her and to keep doing the best she could and things would get better, it might take awhile but it would happen. God would bless her if she was humble  and if her heart was in the right place, a place of gratitude for the job she had , our attitude is so important. 

She was truly thankful for this opportunity even though is was so very hard and  she loved the women she worked with, she was even learning Spanish.

At her Memorial Service over 20 people showed up from First Baptist Allen to remember Alexis and I will never forget them hugging me with tears in their eyes letting me know how much they thought of her. She said it best " they see the best in me"  She had been in a rut for awhile, we all go through ruts in our lives but she had emerged from that slump having hope about her future. I would always tell her I knew God had a great plan for her life and would claim Jeremiah 29:11 for her as I recited it to her.

Jeremiah 29:11

New International Version

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

I can tell by her writings that she listened soaking in God's words and promises. Things were always  hard for Alexis and she tried so hard but now there is no more pain or sorrow because she is in Heaven probably amazed at the impact her life and death have made on so many lives.  I tried to let her know how special she was and now I know she believes me and sees herself through God's eyes knowing she was more than the choices that she  made,  she was more than the sum of her past mistakes,  and she was more than the problems she created,  She was remade and then called home.

She must have been having some trouble with her friends at this time, as we all do. But I know those issues got better because I think she was coming to a realization at a very young age that it shouldn't matter was "man" thinks about us we need to be concerned about what God thinks about us. I believe God was so very proud of his beautiful, spirited, strong willed, loving, daughter. All I know is I admire her.

We just never realized her future on this earth would be so short. Thanking God for my time with her and so thankful HE sent HIS Son so we could have eternal life. Knowing I will see her again brings me such happiness. Our time on this earth is a blink of an eye compared to eternity. God is so GOOD !!!

  

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Tuesday

Jul032012

July 3, 1971- The Day David Committed Suicide

Susan Washington

This is our old boathouse where I spent endless summers.

This has always been a tough time of year for me, it is the day my brother committed suicide. It is the day of my first memory. It was the 4th of July weekend and we were at our lake house at Cedar Creek. I was eagerly awaiting the arrival of my 18 year old brother David. Typically I wouldn't have really cared when he got to the lake but on this holiday he was bringing the fireworks and he was in charge.  I couldn't do anything until he got there not even a smoke bomb or a sparkler. I could barely contain my excitement as I kept looking up to the blacktop road to see if his brown Camaro was driving up.  After awhile I decided to ski to pass the time as I waited.

I was in the water  right by the  pier about to ski. Norman hadn't pulled  the slack out of the rope so I was struggling keeping my slalom ski up. Being 1971 I don't think water safety was what it is today and we always skied in the life preservers that went around the waist, like a ring you could pull tighter or looser depending on your size. Thinking back that wasn't a very safe preserver but we used them nonetheless, maybe we didn't know any better. Anyway I was struggling with my ski when I noticed  Joe LaBarba and Bill McCartney walking down our pier with their heads downcast. Seeing Bill was normal , Bill was one of my parents best friends and their lake house was a few lots down, we vacationed with them , and basically lived life with this family. Seeing Joe was a different story. He had a very nice lake house a few lots down the other way and although we were acquaintances and my parents knew him pretty well we didn't hang out at the lake ever. I remember wondering what was up so I continued to observe the situation as I struggled with my ski. My mother and father were sitting at a table under a green and white umbrella on the pier. Joe and Bill approached them and bent down whispering something , I know it was a whisper because I was right in the water by the pier and couldn't hear what they said, I could always hear conversations from the water but these words were not meant for my ears. After Joe spoke my mother collapsed and had to be carried off the pier.

(This where I was in the water when my parents heard of David's suicide. This is my first and one of my most vivid memories.)

My memory fades at that point . All I remember is a bustle of activity and then we were in Norman's car driving back to Dallas. The car was filled with silence for the whole ride. Little did I know that the cold silence I experienced that day would permeate our lives through the deaths of the rest of my family. I had so many questions that I wanted to ask but the silence was overpowering and I NEVER asked the questions the kept coming to the surface of my mind for decades to come.

All I know is my brother David who was 18 at the time had taken my father's gun and put it to his head taking his life at our home in Dallas- 8322 Van Pelt. He had sent his friend Dean to the store and as he was getting back he heard the gun shot but could not get in the house. At least that is what I was told in fragments of conversations because David's death and David was a forbidden subject in our home from July 3, 1971 forward. We never spoke of him again . The only remnants that he existed was a photo of him and Kathey that hung in our formal living room next to a photo of me by myself.  It seems I was always set apart and still am.

(David's room today. For years we shut the doors to his room and never opened them. It was the forbidden room)

(Standing in front of 8322 Van Pelt. For years I thought of this home as the House of Death but I know God will bring forth the many good memories that happened there.)

(The only remnant of David that remained in our home was this photo)

Those were my thoughts as I woke up this morning remembering David and then the realization set in that Alexis was gone as well. Sometimes in those first moments when I wake up I forget she died and then it all comes flooding back taking my breath away but in those moments I begin to pray and the God of all comfort wraps me in HIS arms and I feel HIS peace surrounding my broken heart, mending it back together.

As I sat up in bed I glanced over at Riley who was sleeping upside down :)) and I covered her with her princess blanket so very thankful that we have her and I began to think of David's death as well as Alexis' death.

David's death destroyed my parents , they never recovered and both of the them slowly self destructed as a couple and individually . As my parents fell apart so did our family unit and I was left to care for myself and later I would have to take care of  my mother  trying  to make sense of what was happening. This was a heavy burden for a teenage girl to carry but I did it to the best of my ability.  I was so very confused and I did my best to stay afloat , just hoping I could do something ( perform well in school, be popular) so they would pay attention to me but their pain was too deep and they didn't have the tools to survive . The bottom line is they didn't have a personal relationship with God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit. That relationship is the only one that can get you through the losses of all  loved ones but I think, well now I know, the loss of a child cuts the deepest. I didn't know I had such depth to feel such raw pain. It is hard to describe.

On the other hand Alexis' death WILL make me stronger. I will keep her memory alive with photos, videos, and talking about her at lengths. She will live on forever in our hearts. And although her death at such a young age is tragic I trust God will bring good from it and many will come to know him through her life an death. That gives me hope !!  That knowledge lets HIS light shine more brightly  through my brokenness.

There are open lines of communication with Sammy and Hailey , I can minister to them because I know what if feels like to lose a sibling , I have lost both of mine . I am grateful for that. I can tell them how not to grieve because I have a lot of experience with grieving inappropriately. Thankful that God is guiding me through and giving me the strength I need to be there for my kids and for Riley. My kids look to me for strength I can see it in their eyes as they look at me with a  questioning look, a little scared that the death of Alexis might cause me to unravel. But I think they see that I am walking out my sorrow and God is walking along beside me carrying me when needed.

A few people have posted this song saying it reminded them of me. I finally listened to it and I had heard it before but the words never really stuck, until the words fit my life . The words blow me away. The song is the :

The Hurt & The Healer

Why?
The question that is never far away
The healing doesn’t come from the explained
Jesus please don’t let this go in vain
You’re all I have
All that remains

So here I am
What’s left of me
Where glory meets my suffering

I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I’ve fallen into Your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide

Breathe
Sometimes I feel it’s all that I can do
Pain so deep that I can hardly move
Just keep my eyes completely fixed on You
Lord take hold and pull me through

So here I am
What’s left of me
Where glory meets my suffering

I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I’ve fallen into your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide

It’s the moment when humanity
Is overcome by majesty
When grace is ushered in for good
And all our scars are understood
When mercy takes its rightful place
And all these questions fade away
When out of the weakness we must bow
And hear You say “It’s over now”

I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I’ve fallen into your arms open wide
When The hurt and the healer collide

Jesus come and break my fear
Awake my heart and take my tears
Find Your glory even here
When the hurt and the healer collide [x2]

Jesus come and break my fear
Awake my heart and take my tears
Find Your glory even here

Another view of the boathouse. A lot of good memories from there.

Right now I am feeling very hopeful knowing that I am handling Alexis' death to the best of my ability and leaning on God who is my provider, healer, and comforter. My children and grandchildren are witnessing this as well and we are grieving in a healthy way. We are all grieving differently as everyone does but within our family there is a safe place where we can communicate and say what is on our minds as we are overcome with emotions. When David died there was no safe place , my home was filled with land mines and I felt as if I had to tip toe around being as cautious as possible so nothing would blow up and when there were explosions I never understood what set them off so I became more cautious building up more walls to protect my young broken heart. God was right there protecting my heart though so it wouldn't become hard and callous as so often happens. I think that is one of the blessings I am most gratefu for is that my heart ( although it's been  broken repeatedly) never became cynical  or tough. Thanking God for HIS protection . All I know is His Glory has met my suffering and I am alive :))

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Friday

Jun292012

My First Published Article:) It's a little bittersweet but God is Good

Susan Washington

Below is my first published article. It's  a little bittersweet but God is Good and I know he will bring good from this . As always I am claiming Romans 8:28 and Genesis 50:20 for my life. I wanted to share this with those of you who couldn't get a Wylie paper.  Hopefully this was a good start in trying to honor Alexis and glorify God through all things :))

Romans 8:28

New King James Version (NKJV)

²⁸ And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.

Genesis 50

New King James Version (NKJV)

²⁰ But as for you, you meant evil against me; but God meant it for good, in order to bring it about as it is this day, to save many people alive.

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Thursday

Jun282012

I got the job :)) Alexis Rose Washington  1/11/12

Susan Washington

Here is the next entry in Alexis' journal. I remember how excited she was to get this job. I was so very proud of her and how hard she was trying . One day I posted about Alexis on Facebook, asking for prayer. She was really trying to  make some changes but she had made the comment that she wanted to wait until she got her life together to do somethings and when she said that it reminded me of my pastor Keith Spurgin and a message he had given one Sunday. In a nutshell he said  so many people want to wait until they have it all together to reach out to God because they don't feel they are good enough and that God will accept them but that is where we are so wrong : God will accept us exactly where we are because He Love us So much. I tried to tell Alexis that , that people would see the good in her. This entry made me sad for her and I don't have a clue who she was referring to about thinking negatively about her. Girls are so emotional and sensitive, it could have just been an argument , it could have been anything . But what I am going to learn from this journal is to look for the potential in everyone I come into contact with whether it's my friends or family. Speak to their potential, look for the postive. That is what I am going to take from this. So thankful for Alexis and her wisdom that she is sharing now. My goal is to speak works that will build others up not tear them down. That is a hard goal because we get angry and say things from a wounded place but still I am going to aim to build up others. Thank you Alex Rose for sharing your heart , pain , and wisdom. Right now I know you are smiling down upon us.

Yesterday I spent time in worship and prayer with some dear friends, one of which arrived at the crash site minutes after the accident. When I am around her I feel the presence of the Lord and it is so comforting . She told me she felt the presence of the Lord at the site so very strongly and that the Lord swooped in and picked up Alexis letting her know all was okay. That picture has brought me so much comfort. I know Alexis is resting in the arms of the Lord. God is AWESOME !!!

  

 

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July 3, 1971- The Day David Committed Suicide

This is our old boathouse where I spent endless summers.

This has always been a tough time of year for me, it is the day my brother committed suicide. It is the day of my first memory. It was the 4th of July weekend and we were at our lake house at Cedar Creek. I was eagerly awaiting the arrival of my 18 year old brother David. Typically I wouldn't have really cared when he got to the lake but on this holiday he was bringing the fireworks and he was in charge.  I couldn't do anything until he got there not even a smoke bomb or a sparkler. I could barely contain my excitement as I kept looking up to the blacktop road to see if his brown Camaro was driving up.  After awhile I decided to ski to pass the time as I waited.

I was in the water  right by the  pier about to ski. Norman hadn't pulled  the slack out of the rope so I was struggling keeping my slalom ski up. Being 1971 I don't think water safety was what it is today and we always skied in the life preservers that went around the waist, like a ring you could pull tighter or looser depending on your size. Thinking back that wasn't a very safe preserver but we used them nonetheless, maybe we didn't know any better. Anyway I was struggling with my ski when I noticed  Joe LaBarba and Bill McCartney walking down our pier with their heads downcast. Seeing Bill was normal , Bill was one of my parents best friends and their lake house was a few lots down, we vacationed with them , and basically lived life with this family. Seeing Joe was a different story. He had a very nice lake house a few lots down the other way and although we were acquaintances and my parents knew him pretty well we didn't hang out at the lake ever. I remember wondering what was up so I continued to observe the situation as I struggled with my ski. My mother and father were sitting at a table under a green and white umbrella on the pier. Joe and Bill approached them and bent down whispering something , I know it was a whisper because I was right in the water by the pier and couldn't hear what they said, I could always hear conversations from the water but these words were not meant for my ears. After Joe spoke my mother collapsed and had to be carried off the pier.

(This where I was in the water when my parents heard of David's suicide. This is my first and one of my most vivid memories.)

My memory fades at that point . All I remember is a bustle of activity and then we were in Norman's car driving back to Dallas. The car was filled with silence for the whole ride. Little did I know that the cold silence I experienced that day would permeate our lives through the deaths of the rest of my family. I had so many questions that I wanted to ask but the silence was overpowering and I NEVER asked the questions the kept coming to the surface of my mind for decades to come.

All I know is my brother David who was 18 at the time had taken my father's gun and put it to his head taking his life at our home in Dallas- 8322 Van Pelt. He had sent his friend Dean to the store and as he was getting back he heard the gun shot but could not get in the house. At least that is what I was told in fragments of conversations because David's death and David was a forbidden subject in our home from July 3, 1971 forward. We never spoke of him again . The only remnants that he existed was a photo of him and Kathey that hung in our formal living room next to a photo of me by myself.  It seems I was always set apart and still am.

(David's room today. For years we shut the doors to his room and never opened them. It was the forbidden room)

(Standing in front of 8322 Van Pelt. For years I thought of this home as the House of Death but I know God will bring forth the many good memories that happened there.)

(The only remnant of David that remained in our home was this photo)

Those were my thoughts as I woke up this morning remembering David and then the realization set in that Alexis was gone as well. Sometimes in those first moments when I wake up I forget she died and then it all comes flooding back taking my breath away but in those moments I begin to pray and the God of all comfort wraps me in HIS arms and I feel HIS peace surrounding my broken heart, mending it back together.

As I sat up in bed I glanced over at Riley who was sleeping upside down :)) and I covered her with her princess blanket so very thankful that we have her and I began to think of David's death as well as Alexis' death.

David's death destroyed my parents , they never recovered and both of the them slowly self destructed as a couple and individually . As my parents fell apart so did our family unit and I was left to care for myself and later I would have to take care of  my mother  trying  to make sense of what was happening. This was a heavy burden for a teenage girl to carry but I did it to the best of my ability.  I was so very confused and I did my best to stay afloat , just hoping I could do something ( perform well in school, be popular) so they would pay attention to me but their pain was too deep and they didn't have the tools to survive . The bottom line is they didn't have a personal relationship with God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit. That relationship is the only one that can get you through the losses of all  loved ones but I think, well now I know, the loss of a child cuts the deepest. I didn't know I had such depth to feel such raw pain. It is hard to describe.

On the other hand Alexis' death WILL make me stronger. I will keep her memory alive with photos, videos, and talking about her at lengths. She will live on forever in our hearts. And although her death at such a young age is tragic I trust God will bring good from it and many will come to know him through her life an death. That gives me hope !!  That knowledge lets HIS light shine more brightly  through my brokenness.

There are open lines of communication with Sammy and Hailey , I can minister to them because I know what if feels like to lose a sibling , I have lost both of mine . I am grateful for that. I can tell them how not to grieve because I have a lot of experience with grieving inappropriately. Thankful that God is guiding me through and giving me the strength I need to be there for my kids and for Riley. My kids look to me for strength I can see it in their eyes as they look at me with a  questioning look, a little scared that the death of Alexis might cause me to unravel. But I think they see that I am walking out my sorrow and God is walking along beside me carrying me when needed.

A few people have posted this song saying it reminded them of me. I finally listened to it and I had heard it before but the words never really stuck, until the words fit my life . The words blow me away. The song is the :

The Hurt & The Healer

Why?
The question that is never far away
The healing doesn’t come from the explained
Jesus please don’t let this go in vain
You’re all I have
All that remains

So here I am
What’s left of me
Where glory meets my suffering

I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I’ve fallen into Your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide

Breathe
Sometimes I feel it’s all that I can do
Pain so deep that I can hardly move
Just keep my eyes completely fixed on You
Lord take hold and pull me through

So here I am
What’s left of me
Where glory meets my suffering

I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I’ve fallen into your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide

It’s the moment when humanity
Is overcome by majesty
When grace is ushered in for good
And all our scars are understood
When mercy takes its rightful place
And all these questions fade away
When out of the weakness we must bow
And hear You say “It’s over now”

I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I’ve fallen into your arms open wide
When The hurt and the healer collide

Jesus come and break my fear
Awake my heart and take my tears
Find Your glory even here
When the hurt and the healer collide [x2]

Jesus come and break my fear
Awake my heart and take my tears
Find Your glory even here

Another view of the boathouse. A lot of good memories from there.

Right now I am feeling very hopeful knowing that I am handling Alexis' death to the best of my ability and leaning on God who is my provider, healer, and comforter. My children and grandchildren are witnessing this as well and we are grieving in a healthy way. We are all grieving differently as everyone does but within our family there is a safe place where we can communicate and say what is on our minds as we are overcome with emotions. When David died there was no safe place , my home was filled with land mines and I felt as if I had to tip toe around being as cautious as possible so nothing would blow up and when there were explosions I never understood what set them off so I became more cautious building up more walls to protect my young broken heart. God was right there protecting my heart though so it wouldn't become hard and callous as so often happens. I think that is one of the blessings I am most gratefu for is that my heart ( although it's been  broken repeatedly) never became cynical  or tough. Thanking God for HIS protection . All I know is His Glory has met my suffering and I am alive :))

My First Published Article:) It's a little bittersweet but God is Good

Below is my first published article. It's  a little bittersweet but God is Good and I know he will bring good from this . As always I am claiming Romans 8:28 and Genesis 50:20 for my life. I wanted to share this with those of you who couldn't get a Wylie paper.  Hopefully this was a good start in trying to honor Alexis and glorify God through all things :))

Romans 8:28

New King James Version (NKJV)

²⁸ And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.

Genesis 50

New King James Version (NKJV)

²⁰ But as for you, you meant evil against me; but God meant it for good, in order to bring it about as it is this day, to save many people alive.

I got the job :)) Alexis Rose Washington 1/11/12

Here is the next entry in Alexis' journal. I remember how excited she was to get this job. I was so very proud of her and how hard she was trying . One day I posted about Alexis on Facebook, asking for prayer. She was really trying to  make some changes but she had made the comment that she wanted to wait until she got her life together to do somethings and when she said that it reminded me of my pastor Keith Spurgin and a message he had given one Sunday. In a nutshell he said  so many people want to wait until they have it all together to reach out to God because they don't feel they are good enough and that God will accept them but that is where we are so wrong : God will accept us exactly where we are because He Love us So much. I tried to tell Alexis that , that people would see the good in her. This entry made me sad for her and I don't have a clue who she was referring to about thinking negatively about her. Girls are so emotional and sensitive, it could have just been an argument , it could have been anything . But what I am going to learn from this journal is to look for the potential in everyone I come into contact with whether it's my friends or family. Speak to their potential, look for the postive. That is what I am going to take from this. So thankful for Alexis and her wisdom that she is sharing now. My goal is to speak works that will build others up not tear them down. That is a hard goal because we get angry and say things from a wounded place but still I am going to aim to build up others. Thank you Alex Rose for sharing your heart , pain , and wisdom. Right now I know you are smiling down upon us.

Yesterday I spent time in worship and prayer with some dear friends, one of which arrived at the crash site minutes after the accident. When I am around her I feel the presence of the Lord and it is so comforting . She told me she felt the presence of the Lord at the site so very strongly and that the Lord swooped in and picked up Alexis letting her know all was okay. That picture has brought me so much comfort. I know Alexis is resting in the arms of the Lord. God is AWESOME !!!