June 7, 2012- The Day that Finally Ended

He said I work full time and I want Riley, she  is my daughter. I think my mouth dropped open and I looked at him  putting my hands in the air and said “hold up, first of all this is not the time for this conversation  , I JUST LOST MY DAUGHTER TODAY !! And secondly if you had a full time job Alexis would have been receiving child support because she has had a case against you with the Attorney General for years. “  I couldn’t believe he had just done that to me, I was shaking . Riley came running between us grabbing my legs then twirling around and my heart melted with love for her and I vowed to protect her in any way I could. At that moment the girl with Riley’s bilogical father hit him and screamed in an angry voice “Tell her who you are , Tell her who you are “ I then screamed “NO” gently pushing Riley towards  Jill , Mel, Lisa, and Delaine.

 I just was in shock that someone could speak to me in that way hours after my daughter died and how another could want a complete stranger to reveal to a precious three year old that he was her father, a father who NEVER came to see her. Riley just lost her mother: her rock, her anchor, her everything .

My heart always hurt for Riley because she didn’t have a Daddy and I wondered how we would address this issue when she got older. I always thought Alexis would meet someone who would love her and Riley  and Riley would finally have a daddy but until then she would just have her “different kind of family” as Alexis would say. And although we are different there is a lot of love especially a lot of love for that precious three year old that captured all of our hearts when she was born in 2008. She had spent her whole life living with her Mi Mi, Papa, Hailey, Momma, and Sammy. That was the family she knew and I know she felt and feels secure in being loved . That little girl is adored but I wondered how that amazingly intelligent little brain processed about a “ Daddy”. She would talk about Tony being Kendall’s daddy but she never once said who is my daddy , why doesn’t he love me, why doesn’t he ever see me. Maybe God was protecting her  because she never asked , I think she just felt complete in the family in which she lived and Alexis loved her so much trying to make up for the absentee father.  In my opinion she was successful because Riley never missed her missing Daddy and I was not about to let anyone plant a seed in her mind on the day her mother died . I looked at both of them wondering if they had hearts and said a prayer remembering the Bible says in Matthew : But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you" - Jesus of Nazareth, as recorded in Matthew 5:44 (NIV translation). So I said a prayer and walked away. Minutes later I looked back and saw Hailey and the biological father having words, well it seemed like Hailey had all the words and her huge fiancé was standing behind her  ready to protect. I think Tony’s presence dissuaded any response from the biological father.  As  I watched Hailey I began to smile somewhat because that behavior was more indicative of Alexis than Hailey but Hailey was going to step out of her comfort zone to protect her sister’s baby girl , a baby girl  she had loved like her own since she watched her birth  almost 4 years before. Sammy was standing by and then some men from the church went and talked to Hailey not wanting anything to happen . That was the last we saw of the biological father, he hasn’t called or stopped by to even check on Riley. He came in as a tordado wreaking havoc on the worst day of my life then left again leaving us with the after math much like he had done to Alexis when Riley was born.

We left the candle light service and drove by the crash site one more time . It was still so hard to believe that she was gone. She was there one minute and gone the next. As we walked around the site Sammy wanted to make a cross to put at the site and we all agreed. As I was walking back to my car I noticed something goldish tan and knew it was from Alexis’ car. I picked it and held it in my hand turning it over and over. For some reason it made me think of the comforting cross I had sent to my friend , Sharon , who had been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. Strangely enough it brought me comfort , it fit in my hand perfectly and was part of the car that my daughter died in. I vowed to always carry it and I have kept that vow keeping it in my purse at all times . When I am sad I will pull it out holding it between my fingers and pray. It is my  special comforting  "cross."

We were worn out and had a big day the next day. We had to plan Alexis’ service and we were scheduled for a family viewing at 1:00 at the funeral home in Sachse.  So for the first time since we lost Alexis we went our separate ways deciding to meet at Jill's house in the morning, it would beFriday June 8th. I had decided to sleep at Jill’s and there was a group going to get something to eat at Chili’s . I hugged Sammy, Shelby, Riley, and Warner  then got in the car with Delaine to go eat. About 15 of us went to eat and it was nice to sit in the restaurant and just be with Hailey,  Hailey’s friends, many from my hometeam ,  Delaine, and Melanie ( who is always there for me ). After eating Delaine drove me back to Jill’s and I crawled into bed thinking I would fall asleep easily but it was as if I became more alert . That is when the deep racking sobs began. I don’t know if I have ever cried tears from such a deep place before . It was as if I was in the depths of despair but I didn’t try to fight it I just cried until it hurt but  when I finally quit crying sleep still eluded me and all I could think of was my baby. Her life flashed before my eyes and I began to cry again until I finally dozed off . I would wake every hour on the hour and each time I would be somewhat confused then the reality would set in and the painful sobs would begin again. I prayed for sleep and the next thing I knew is it was about 7 in the morning and I opened my eyes with the sun shining through the curtains. My first thought was at this time yesterday Alexis was still alive , it seemed unreal and then I remembered the  dream I had . I dreamed Alexis was beautiful in a white flowing dress hugging my sister Kathey who was also beautiful in white . The only thing odd about the dream is Kathey was  as I remembered her in her 20’s when she was newly married and began haveing her children. They both shined with the vibrancy of youth and that brought peace to my broken heart. I got up to get ready for my day. It was June 8, 2012 the day after Alexis died.

Alexis Rose - The Candle Light Vigil 6/7/12

As we drove down Brown Street towards  New Hope my stomach began to twist and  turn and I felt very anxious.  It will seem silly but I was concerned no one would be there and that would break my heart for Alexis. I didn’t want her , Hailey, Sammy or her friends who put this together to be hurt.  I kept telling myself that she had just died that morning so the odds of there being many people at this vigil were slim although the news had spread fast. We took a right into the parking lot of the church and I didn’t see many cars and I said a prayer  leaving it all up to God. Then we pulled to the side of the church and there were cars everywhere. There was a big circle of chairs with people milling around and I began to cry softly so very touched by the outpouring of love. We got out of the car and began to walk to the circle. The first person I saw was David Landis, who had been Alexis boyfriend for almost three years. They had not been together in awhile but he was the boy she had loved and Alexis and I had just spoke about him on Tuesday.  David and I hugged and I asked him to sit with us. I could tell he was heartbroken and not sure how to process this loss.

I thought back to my first boyfriend  from 8th and 9th grade dying in March. Hal’s death had a huge impact on me and that was just puppy love so I knew this was going to be hard on David even though they were not together.  I looked across the circle and saw Jennifer and Rachel Speicher and that touched my heart, Alexis and Rachel had been  best friends their sophomore and junior years and although they had drifted  apart there was still a strong bond . Riley informed me she and Mommy had gone swimming over at Rachel’s recently and I was happy about that. Beth and Leah came to hug our necks, they had organized the vigil and I could tell their hearts were just broken.  

Sammy , Hailey, Warner, and I grabbed our candles and looked through the sea of faces. I think someone said they thought 100 + people were there.  Then I looked to my right and saw Riley’s biological  father. I had not seen him in over three years and I didn’t know how I felt about that. He looked upset and I remember Riley running around ,as three year olds do, and I got extremely nervous but then I realized she didn’t know him from Adam. She recognized David, but didn’t know who her biological father was. I don’t think he had seen her since she was a baby. He was just another stranger there and I felt calm again. The most important thing to me was that Riley would not have any more surprises that day and I didn’t think her biological father would do anything to hurt her, he had not made any attempt to see her for the last three years and had not provided any support for Riley. So I didn’t think he would cause us problems but I was so wrong  about that although that came later in the service.

Alan, our children’s pastor, started the service and we all prayed. It meant a lot to me that Alan was there to lead this, he had helped me with some healing therapy concerning my dad and it had been very emotional for all of us. He is a good man with an awesome testimony and I felt honored that he was there to honor my Rosebud. After praying and saying a few things he asked people to come into the middle of the circle and share memories of Alexis. At first people were hesitant but then as one person shared people began to get more comfortable and many shared their thoughts and memories about Alexis. It was so wonderful to hear all about my daughter.

The most common phrase we heard about her  was that Alexis was hilarious and everyone was so happy when she was in their class. They knew it would be a fun  year if Alexis Rose Washington was in it. The next most common statement was Alexis spoke her mind  and didn’t care what anyone thought. That she was bold and courageous and would stand up for those less fortunate. The records she held at Wylie High School were for the most tardies and most consective days in ISS. To date those records have not been broken :) I remember Alexis laughing and saying those would  probably be the only records she ever held, I just laughed along with her. Then the funny stories started and we laughed through our tears. Alexis was such a funny , funny, girl.

I was so touched to see Alexis’ former teacher Mrs. Chapman. Mrs. Chapman  taught the parenthood class and she always loved Alexis. I remember her telling me she never worried about Alexis because Alexis was going to make it . She said “ Alexis has strength, passion, intelligence, and drive !! She will go for” I always remembered those words and would cling to them as Alexis struggled  after graduating. Earlier in the year Alexis was struggling with what she wanted to do and I told her to call Mrs. Chapman and ask her for advice. They had a great talk and I knew Alexis felt better about things. When Mrs. Chapman got up to share she began to cry and I could tell how much she really loved Alexis. My heart was overflowing. The program came to the end and Riley’s father approached me saying he needed to talk. I said a prayer and said okay . I led him away from Riley so she couldn’t hear because I didn’t have a clue to what he had to say. I was shocked by what came out of his mouth …………………………………….......

“They that sow in tears shall reap in joy.”

A week or so ago I spent my Friday night looking through the cards and sign in sheet from Alexis’ Memorial Service.  As I read the names of all the people who attended I was so very touched : classmates from  elementary school, junior high school,  high school, friends from way back even friends of my sister Kathey,  people I taught with in Amarillo and Garland, my employers and co workers from Dickey’s and Highland Homes.  These were just a few and there were so many more from Alexis, Hailey, Sammy, and Warner’s lives.  As I said my heart was deeply moved. As I read some of the names the recollection of seeing them and hugging their neck surfaced in my mind. That night was a whirlwind of activity seeing so very many faces . Two names on the list brought a smile to my face as I remembered a very special encounter with them and how God moved in both of our lives. I will share that story and then give you an update. I was so very thrilled to see both of them , it had been a few years since we  had seen each other. The mother had bought a home from me in Woodbridge. It was the first home I ever sold by myself and I really thought it might not happen because God spoke to me very clearly and I had to obey. Let’s go back to the spring of 2006…………………………………………………………………........................

New Home sales were a lot of fun and we were doing well. As time went by and I was learning the business I felt more comfortable with my job but I had still not sold anything on my own and that was what I was hoping to do. This would prove to myself that I could take someone through a sale and close the deal.  One Wednesday, a day I always work alone, a girl came in looking for a home for her parents. She needed something that could close fast in the 275,000 range. We had the perfect home sitting on the ground. It was listed at 314,000 but I knew we needed to move it and what incentive I had.  We walked the home and she was very excited thinking her parents would love it. Later she brought them to see it and they were also very interested in the home. It was time to negotiate the deal. The buyer’s name was Liz and she had a list of changes she wanted to make . She had made an offer of 272,000 including the changes. I was getting very excited because I knew I could make this work unless she had some unrealistic change that cost a lot of money. Not only would this be my first sale , my boss at the time said he would bonus me $1000 if I wrote this contract.  She started going down her list and my excitement grew, she really only wanted to repaint some rooms, change the cook top to gas, and put  crown molding in a room. This was going to be the first home I sold all by myself, I was thrilled. Visions of dollar signs were dancing in my head.

As we were talking about paint colors a thought popped into my head telling me to tell her about myself. I just shook away the thought and continued to talk paint. A little later the thought came back and it was much more specific, saying tell her about being a teacher, meth addict, prison, etc. Knowing this could not be from the Lord I started rebuking Satan in my head telling him to get away from me in the name of Jesus. I just knew Satan was trying to steal my sale and my $1,000. But  the thoughts would not stop , this prompt from the Holy Spirit got stronger and stronger. I could not concentrate and my mouth went dry. All I knew was that I had to tell, I just had to be obedient, every sensation was so strong.

I didn’t even know where to interject this, we had not had a personal conversation at all but I knew I had to tell her my story . Liz said she would like to paint the kitchen a color called Autumn Tan and I marked it down and then I just said “ I want to tell you a few things about myself; before I came to work here I was a teacher but then I got addicted to Meth and was sent to prison but now I am clean “ My eyes were downcast as I told her this thinking I was probably going to lose my first sale by telling my potential buyer I was an ex-con and felon. Slowly I raised my eyes up and looked into her face, there were tears streaming down her cheeks. Crying she told me she had a younger brother who was college educated and had been an executive at Dell Computer but he got addicted to Meth and had lost his job and home. She also told me she was a probation officer and had worked as a counselor in Substance Abuse Prison Facility and she had never seen anyone get off meth successfully. She thought God must have sent me that day to give her hope about her brother!!!  I could not believe how God worked that day through me and I almost blew it with my selfishness and greed. Liz did buy the home that day and we became good friends . At the time I thought God would use me as an instrument to save Liz ’s brother but that hasn’t happened ……yet! You never know the plans of God. This was one of the most powerful experiences I have ever had. God will use us but we have to be obedient and say “Here I am, send me” or he will send someone else. Don’t miss your moment because you are afraid, God will get you through it!! I was so incredibly blessed that day spiritually, emotionally, and even financially!!  God is so awesome!!

Well that was back in 2006 , in 2010 we were transferred out of Woodbridge and I lost contact with Liz and her daughter , Kendall,  until Alexis’ service. As people were in line saying their condolences I looked up and saw Liz and Kendall . I was so touched they had come because it had been such a long time. Kendall had seen the Memorial at the crash site with Alexis’ name and remembered I had a daughter named Alexis Rose Washington . They came to support me.

Then last Sunday as I was leaving church after the 9:30 service I saw Kendall and smiled but really didn’t have time to talk because I had to get to work. I was so happy to see her at church because I hadn’t seen her there before, she had come one time years before when we first connected but that was it. I was hoping and praying  she would start attending. Then on Tuesday when I picked up Riley from VBS I ran into her again and she told me she felt moved by Alexis’ service and last week was her first time to visit the church and she planned to come back. Her children really enjoyed it and she had even signed them up for VBS. As I walked away I thought back to each encounter and how God used the death of my Alexis Rose to prompt a young mother and her family to start coming to church , to engage in relationship. I thought to how my greatest desire is for something good to come from Alexis’ death and I think it has and will continue. I will be intentional to make her feel welcome and I am even going to invite her to our hometeam even though she isn’t an addict. A lot of people who aren’t addicts come to our group, it’s all about recovery and we all are recovering from something. The other great thing about our group is we are real , we just don’t pretend. We walk in truth and light therefore we walk in freedom. God is so good to show me this story that has been evolving since 2006. What a beautiful view : )))

Titus 3 5 He saved us because of his mercy, not because of any good things we did.

Titus 3 ⁵ He saved us because of his mercy, not because of any good things we did.

I love it when God speaks to me in powerful ways teaching me powerful lessons. One of the most prevailing lessons he taught me was on small compromises and I shared that when I spoke using the scripture  from Song of Songs 2 : Catch for us the foxes,
the little foxes that ruin the vineyards,  our vineyards that are in bloom. That was a life altering moment and changed the trajectory of my life, I know that with all of my heart . I wanted to share another  lesson God showed me and AGAIN  he used my criminal history to do it just as he did with the lesson on small compromises. He sure knows how to get my attention : ))

Before that life changing night in a small group when my eyes and heart were finally opened to the truth about Jesus I believed I would go to Heaven because I was , or thought I was, a good person. I was nice, compassionate, and caring  so I thought my destination was secure.  After that night God showed me something incredible. He took me back to when I was in Rockwall County waiting to go to court on my probation revocation. I wrote a letter to the judge sharing all I had been through and telling him I was a really good person hoping that might have an effect on my sentence and that he may be more lenient. It didn’t work , I didn’t think it was fair but I really had no say in the matter. I went to prison and served my time, it didn’t matter that I was good or had some tragic things happen. I did the crime so I did my time.

Anyhow God took me back to that time and I had a dream that I was standing in front of the judge again pleading my case begging for mercy but it wasn’t the Rockwall County Judge this time. It was God and I was standing before HIM as he sat in the judgment seat pleading my case telling him all the good things I had done but again it didn’t matter. The Bible is clear on this our salvation has nothing to do with good works  in  John 14 ⁵ Thomas said, “Lord, we don’t know where you are going, so how can we know the way?” ⁶ Jesus answered, “I am the way, the truth, and the life. The only way to the Father is through me.

Our  God is a loving God but he is also a  just God and HE has been very clear. There are consequences to our choices and he has given us free will and it is our choice whether to accept Jesus Christ as our Savior or not . He is the only way to the Father. Our salvation is not secure because we do good things .

You know I had a lot of tough things happen in my life and it was very hard, it probably isn’t surprising I turned to drugs but the key word is I turned and then I got caught. It didn’t matter that I had a tough life, there were consequences for my crime and they were just. God is not a respecter of persons , He is a just God.

That was a very powerful picture for me to see . I was so very thankful that I accepted Jesus Christ as my Savior before my time was up . Thanking God for his amazing grace in my life and that my time wasn’t up before I made the choice that gave me eternal life because if I hadn’t I would be standing before God and he would probably agree that I did many good things but just like when I broke the law the consequence was prison , the consequence for not receiving Jesus is death where when you choose HIM you have eternal life. It is so simple and has nothing to do with being good. Thankful I made that choice that has given me eternal life and because of that I will be reunited with Alexis again. That brings me hope. And what is really cool is once I accepted  HIM and he began working in my life I wanted to be a better person , I wanted to be like Jesus . It is amazing how it all works .

Part Three of my testimony - July 15, 2012

Here is part three of my testimony :) I know it is available on the church website as well. The parts I have posted are the second service and the one New Hope posted was the first. There is a difference not much of one but they are different. I'm not sure why. I prayed really hard before each service for God to speak through me and my words to fall to the ground.

So what I like to think is what I said was what I was suppose to say to each audience. I love sharing my hope and I think the greatest part is at the end when people come up to me sharing their struggles believing I can relate to them in a way, trusting me. I remember being in the audience of speakers when I was very young in my sobriety and christian walk wondering if I could ever get up there and speak to a crowd, wondering if I would have anything to say. I am amazed at where God has brought me. I hope you enjoy :)))

Susan DeFace Washington's transformational testimony at New Hope Church in Wylie, TX