June 8,2012: Seeing Alexis for the last time and the Cross on the side of the Road

From  the Blog : June 8, 2012 : The Day After Alexis Died

She looked so beautiful and peaceful.   Nothing like mother , David, or Kathey looked when they had died. I had my dad cremated  so I just stayed with him in the hospital after he passed so the images of him in my mind aren’t as  frightening. This was such a blessing that she looked as if she were sleeping . I went and touched her hair which was wet  for some reason, they must have just washed it , then I kissed her forehead which was cold. We made the decision to go get Riley since Alexis looked so peaceful.  Angela was with us so she drove to Jenn’s to get Riley . We just stayed in the room taking turns being with Alexis saying our goodbyes  waiting for Angela to return  . Then Riley arrived...............................................

Angela brought Riley into the funeral home and we talked with her about what to expect when she saw Mommy. We told her it looked as if Mommy was sleeping and she would feel cold to the touch. Riley smiled bravely and we entered the room where Alexis lay. I carried Riley over to her and she bent down and kissed her forehead. The cold damp skin startled her and she wanted down. She talked to Alexis telling her she loved her but didn’t want to touch her again. Then we each spent time with Alexis alone.

The first thing I did was take her picture, I just had to. She looked so peaceful and serene. Sammy really didn’t want me to, he was emotional and just didn’t like the idea. But I had to. After I took her picture I just bent over her with my head on her chest , hugging her  and crying, telling her how much I loved her , that I was so proud of her  , and that I was going to miss her .  I had to fight off many thoughts that were not from God, thoughts about the struggles in our relationship, the fighting, the ugly words said back and forth. But God’s peace came over me and I knew we fought because we were so much alike and I remembered the last day I saw her at Kenen’s house and how we laughed . That day she shyly  told me about a new boy she liked and somewhat sadly told me  how her old boyfriend David had a new girlfriend.   It was a special moment because she really opened up to me sharing her feelings.   I tried to focus on the good , and there was a lot of good. I left and everyone else took their turn alone to say goodbye.  Not long after that Jill called and said the Funeral Home had contacted her  and said it was time for us to go because they needed to transport her body.  My heart began to race because I knew it was going to be the last time I saw her physical body and that was just so hard to accept.

We went back in as a family holding hands and prayed. Then we slowly left  walking out of the room and I took one last glance back at my  middle daughter, Alexis Rose,  then shut the door. We glanced at some of the urns and some of the cremation jewelry deciding at some point we would get a bracelet or necklace and carry Alexis with us forever.

We got in our cars and drove to Jill’s for lunch and get ready for our meeting with Kerri to plan the service. My heart was heavy as I glanced out the window at the various businesses on Highway 78 wondering how on earth we were going to make it through this but I was standing strong in the Lord and the Power of His Might. I shut my eyes and prayed for strength.

Kerri arrived and the first thing we decided was the music for the video and for the service. One song that had been on my heart was the song Angel by Sarah MClachlan then Hailey suggested Over You by Miranda Lambert , a friend had told her about that song. Then it was time to gather photos of Alexis. Sammy and Shelby were in charge of that and would go through Alexis’ computer . We also gathered pictures from the kids childhood to include in the video. It was bittersweet to look at Alexis’ life through pictures and I was so thankful that Alexis took so very many photos. After that we needed to decide the order of the service and the music for that. I wanted both Kerri and Rita to play and I had already called Rita who graciously said she would be honored. My choice of songs was “ Shout to the Lord”  which was played at both Kathey’s funeral as well as my Dad’s.  That song is very special to me and touches my heart. The other song was “Healer” which brought me comfort because I needed  to reaffirm that HE was my healer ,  that HE was all I needed, that He held my every moment and would calm my raging sea while  walking  with me through this fire I was going through . We picked the photo for the program and decided the order then we were done.

                                                                        

Riley and the others finished the cross and we decided to go put it at the site.  First we made a stop at Walmart to by some flowers to put around the cross . We also laughed as we bought a box of Mashed Potatoes ( Alexis’ favorite food) and a bottle of Dr. Pepper ( Her favorite drink ). We loaded back into our cars and drove to the crash site.

A surprise reunion in prison with former students :))

Appearance at First Baptist Church Carrollton from Susan DeFace Washington on Vimeo.

Introduction at First Baptist Church Carrollton

My introduction at First Baptist Church Carrollton by the Womens Ministry from Susan DeFace Washington on Vimeo.

June 8, 2012 : The Day After Alexis Died

( From June 7, 2012  The Day that Finally Ended )

I prayed for sleep and the next thing I knew it was about 7 in the morning and I opened my eyes with the sun shining through the curtains. My first thought was at this time yesterday Alexis was still alive , it seemed unreal and then I remembered the  dream I had . I dreamed Alexis was beautiful in a white flowing dress hugging my sister Kathey who was also beautiful in white . The only thing odd about the dream is Kathey was  as I remembered her in her 20’s when she was newly married and began having her children. They both shined with the vibrancy of youth and that brought peace to my broken heart. I got up to get ready for my day. It was June 8, 2012 the day after Alexis died.

June 8 : The Day after Alexis died

I rolled out of bed and went into the kitchen where Jill had already made me a cup of coffee , the way I love it with splenda, caramel, and whipped cream. Smiling sadly I took a sip and thanked God for bringing Jill Crowe into my life.  She is family to me. Where at one time I felt alone that is not so anymore;  Jill has stepped in and become my family.  Even though she is younger than me she is my Kathey , she is more than Kathey was because with Jill I can be completely honest . With Kathey I was so scared to admit my failures because I thought she might reject me . That was more to do with me than Kathey but none the less I couldn’t be honest. With Jill I can tell her anything  : the good , bad , and the ugly.  She was there when my father died and she was right there when my daughter died. I will be forever grateful to her. You need people like that in your life.

We had a busy day ahead : Kerri Jensen was coming over to help us plan Alexis’ service, we would go say goodbye to Alexis at the funeral home in Sachse, and we were going to make a cross to put at the crash site. Jill and I explored Alexis’ Facebook as we waited for Warner, Sammy, and Hailey to arrive. We laughed at some of the funny things my Alexis had posted.  Everything still seemed surreal . Friends were calling from near and far to offer their support and prayers.

We decided to have the service on Monday evening because Keith Spurgin , New Hope’s Lead Pastor,  was going out of town for the weekend and I wanted him to preside over the celebration of my daughter’s life.  As I was waiting for the kids and Warner to arrive my friend Kelly came over to see me. Kelly  and I had been cheerleaders together at J.L.  Long Junior High  and had reconnected a few years ago. She drove me to meet another friend Patty who had something for me from her mother Charlene. Charlene and Patty had been in my life for as long as I could remember although we aren’t close now, my dad had spent years married to Charlene after mother died.  It was a nice morning.  Mel called and told me Peri would be flying in on Sunday night to attend the service. As  with the day before the outpouring of love and support sustained me.

When everyone got there the kids started working on the cross. Jill had everything to make a beautiful cross to honor Alexis. She even had bling to put on it :))) Riley had gone to Jenn’s that morning because we weren’t sure if we were going to take her to see Alexis. I wanted to see how she looked before making that decision. The church put me in contact with people to help me make decisions concerning Riley. Basically we were honest using the correct vocabulary , but the decision on her seeing Alexis at the funeral home was going to be determined by the condition of Alexis’ body.  We would make that decision as a family with input from Hailey, Sammy, Warner, and me.

A little after 12 we drove over to the Smith Family Funeral Home in Sachse , Texas  to see our Alexis Rose for the very last time. My heart hurt so badly and the pain was still so raw for all of us. At moments unexpected any one of us would break down in tears. I hurt so badly and it hurt worse seeing the pain on Hailey, Sammy, and Warner’s face.  This was first significant loss for any of them. Hailey and Sammy were  so young when Kathey died and my dad’s death, although sad, was expected. This was a shock and as I watched them I wondered about their thoughts. I prayed protection over their minds because I didn’t want them to have any feelings of guilt about anything.

I refocused my attention on the seeing Alexis. We walked into the funeral home and there was no one to greet us. We rang the bell and no one came. We called the number and no one answered so we began to look for people calling out “Hello” and opening doors. It was somewhat scary because you never knew who or what could be the other side . I was so nervous we would walk in on Alexis or someone else who had died that  I couldn’t continue. Finally someone came out and led us to the room where our daughter and sister laid in rest.

 I closed my eyes as she opened the door then began to sob as I saw her laying there. I think we all cried. She was laying on a table with a towel around her neck and a maroon blanket  pulled up to her chest. Her long hair was pulled back from her face and falling down behind her head.  Nothing else was visible and I knew that was probably because she had chosen to be a donor.  Fleetingly I thought of her beautiful green eyes and wondered  who would benefit from those  wondering if the patient who received her corneas would now have her eye color. I had told the transplant coordinator that I would love to hear about who she helped but I didn’t know if I wanted to see her eyes looking at me but I wasn’t sure how the transplant process  worked.  That was something I would think about later.

She looked so beautiful and peaceful.   Nothing like mother , David, or Kathey looked when they had died. I had my dad cremated  so I just stayed with him in the hospital after he passed so the images of him in my mind aren’t as  frightening. This was such a blessing that she looked as if she were sleeping . I went and touched her hair which was wet  for some reason, they must have just washed it , then I kissed her forehead which was cold. We made the decision to go get Riley since Alexis looked so peaceful.  Angela was with us so she drove to Jenn’s to get Riley . We just stayed in the room taking turns being with Alexis saying our goodbyes  waiting for Angela to return  . Then Riley arrived...............................................

It was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair..... Charles Dickens

1 Peter 5:

8 Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. ⁹ Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings.

¹⁰ And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. ¹¹ To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen

Think, think, think !!!!!  Thoughts bombard my mind all the time and I’m constantly on alert taking these thoughts captive and bringing them into obedience . At times this is overwhelming and tiresome but I know the enemy is watching me knowing that I am weak right now so I need my armor on at all times,

I posted on Facebook earlier that I got a little teary eyed watching Strawberry Shortcake with Riley. The part that made the tears fall was when Lemon Meringue : )) was apologizing to this little strawberry guy that grew roses. She had judged him unfairly and felt guilty about it. For some reason this started a thought train in my mind that derailed : ))  I thought about Alexis ,  missing her so much and then I thought about the time I was away from my kids because of my drug use. I basically missed two years with them because of my poor choices : one in rehab and one in prison. This made me feel so very sad and so very condemned. I felt  extremely guilty about being away. As I was overcome with guilt and shame I put up my hands and said “No” stopping those thoughts in their tracks (  Well with the help of Satan my  thoughts had derailed and I need to get them back on track back on God’s heavenly track :)

Bottom line I was a drug addict with a lot of problems because of things I never dealt with from my childhood.  The greatest blessing in all of our lives was us getting caught and getting in legal trouble. That stopped the madness. Our legal woes brought my kids to Wylie which eventually brought Warner and I to Wylie. This is where I started over, found New Hope ( literally and figuratively) , and became the parent my children needed.  They were blessed because I got caught and sent to prison. I needed that time to grow, to get it together,  and  to heal so I could step up and be who I needed to be.   Now we still had trouble like all families do but I was on a growth track becoming more healthy each day: physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually healthy. As I got more healthy my children did as well.

So one of the greatest days in my life was when we were indicted on felony drug charges which I eventually went to prison for. As I look at my prison ID there is no shame, it is precious because it represents the end of my drug use and the beginning of a new life. My time in prison had a positive effect on Hailey, Alexis, and Sammy  because it changed me.

Today Satan lost this battle with me and I’m sure he is pretty angry because instead of feeling shame and guilt about my time in prison I am on my knees thanking God for that blessing that changed the trajectory of our lives. It was a blessing. As Laura Story would say :

What if my greatest disappointments,
Or the aching of this life,
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy.
What if trials of this life,
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise?