Alexis and Hope

Today was kind of a tough day, I just never know how I’m going to feel or what thoughts will enter my mind. This grieving process is new to me, I don’t think I have ever grieved before although I have experienced so much loss . In the past I avoided it , pretended I didn’t feel that way, or tried to numb it. So as I said this is new to me and I am working through it with God by my side. 

After I took Riley to school I came back to the house to finish the  book “Heaven is for Real”. I have been reading the book for adults ( and I read the one for kids to Riley each night) . It has been a very powerful read for me and very comforting. So I was laying on Alexis’ bed reading and I glanced at the mirror which hangs  on her  closet door. The other day I tucked the beautiful program  from her memorial service into the corner of the mirror because I am going to get a frame for it. There weren’t many left over because so many attended her service so I wanted to be sure to keep this one safe.  As I looked at the beautiful picture of my daughter  I noticed a program from another memorial  that Alexis had taped on her door. . It was the program from Hope Pugh’s service and I got up to take a closer look realizing it has almost been a year since Hope died, she died October 15, 2011.  I got incredibly sad as I thought of the  loss of these two young girls that both died in tragic car accidents. I guess Alexis taped it on her door after attending the service at New Hope last year.  Hope’s  death  was such a shock and I was so sad for her loss. I remember picking her up and giving her a ride to youth years ago.

Alexis was troubled by Hope’s death I, I could see it on her face but she didn’t want to talk about it. She assured me she was okay and would talk about it when she was ready. I prayed for her very hard during this time understanding how the loss of someone so young can have such an effect on you even if you weren’t that close to them. When you are 19 or 20 you think nothing will happen to you ,that you are invincible,  then a friend or an acquaintance dies and your world is turned upside down because it hits so close to home.

So life went on and Alexis must have taped Hope’s program on her closet last October.  I never really paid attention or noticed it until today.  As I said I got incredibly sad  as I looked at the two programs and began to wish that Jesus would come right now so I could see Alexis and the rest of my family again. But then God spoke to me and I felt convicted. The way I was thinking was pretty selfish when there are so many souls at stake, so many people who don’t know the love of Jesus, so many who are hurting and hopeless that need to see Jesus in someone else.

HE reminded me that his purpose for my life is to be the hands and feet of Jesus to the hurting and the hopeless  as I share the redemptive and restoring work he has done and continues to do in my life.  He reminded me that I was once hopeless and hurting but now His light shines through me and others need to see that. This encounter with the living God revived me and I ran to the store to return some shelves I bought last week, while I was there a woman that knows me from Facebook came up to me and thanked me for the way I share. I smiled and asked her name and we began to talk. She said she had lost a child and even though it had been years ago healing has taken place through my words and the way I share. I was overcome with emotion and silently thanked God for this encounter knowing Alexis’ death is making a difference, drawing people closer to him and that people are seeing Jesus in me through my grief. Pretty powerful stuff !!!!

I sat in my car after I left the store feeling so grateful for how my life has changed since I let Jesus into my heart.  God then blessed me again as HE reminded me of the “dream” I had  the night Alexis died: Alexis was being hugged by Kathey and they were wearing white flowing gowns and they both looked beautiful.  Mother and Daddy were behind them in white as well.  What was surprising was that everyone was young, in the prime of their lives not how they looked when they died. It was as if my sister and parents were welcoming Alexis to Heaven and the dream brought me so much comfort but I thought it was just a dream until now.

In the book “Heaven is for Real” Colton ( the young boy who visits Heaven) says that everyone is young in Heaven and that he got to meet  his Pop ( his father’s grand dad) and his sister ( who was mis-carried at two months )  His sister was a little girl in Heaven and  his great grand dad was a young man even though he died at an old age.  The similarities between Colton's experience in Heaven and my “dream" (or maybe it was a vision) was a gift from God to me . OUR GOD IS AN AWESOME GOD AND HE BLESSES ME EVERYDAY EVEN WHEN I START FEELING SORRY FOR MYSELF. AS I HAVE SAID MY GOAL NOW IS TO HONOR ALEXIS AND GLORIFY GOD LIVING OUT HIS PURPOSE FOR MY LIFE.  RIGHT NOW I'M FEELING LIKE I HAVE A NEW LEASE ON THIS LIFE AND THAT IS AN AWESOME FEELING :))

Psalm 30:5 Crying may last for a night, but joy comes in the morning.

Novalee Nation: You tell them that our lives can change with every breath

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The mind is an amazing mysterious thing. I've said this before : one of my favorite quotes of all times came from the book "A Prayer for Owen Meany"
“Your memory is a monster; you forget—it doesn't. It simply files things away. It keeps things for you, or hides things from you—and summons them to your recall with a will of its own. You think you have a memory; but it has you!”
― John Irving, A Prayer for Owen Meany.

I read this book during my unfortunate incarceration:)) And there is such truth to this quote , it has resonated with my life so very often. For most of my adult life memories ( usually sad and tragic) would come to the surface of my mind without warning causing such emotional pain all I wanted to do was escape. My method of escape was drugs. How cunning, baffling, and powerful drug addiction is: what began as my escape from my painful reality ultimately imprisoned me both literally and figuratively causing much deeper pain for myself and my loved ones.

Of course that was before I knew the Lord, now I run to him when I'm hurting as I did this morning when a memory surfaced. He is my refuge and my healer!! He is the only way.

Riley was waving a little American Flag as she was waiting to go to school and singing the word "Americus" over and over with as much patriotism as a four year old can muster:)) Smiling and laughing internally because she was so cute and her use of the word Americus just topped it off :)) I paused as I repeated that word in my head knowing I knew it from somewhere then immediately I thought of Alexis and a movie she LOVED since she was a young girl: "Where the Heart Is" which she called the Walmart baby movie:))) I thought of the many parallels between Alexis' life and that of the main character in the movie: Novalee . Novalee named her baby Americus. The plot was basically about a pregnant teen who rebuilds her life after much hardship. Alexis was rebuilding her life at the time of her death and had experienced much hardship in her young life some brought on by herself and some from the choices made by others ( me for one). That is the way it always is, our choices whether good or bad have an effect on so many others. I picture a domino effect : positive or negative it can domino either way.

It is a memory that made me happy and sad at the same time. It was summoned to my mind without warning when precious Riley was singing the word "Americus". Thankful for the recollection because I can picture the excitement on Alexis' face when that movie would come on. She could recite every line from it I'm sure:) I can't believe I had forgotten about her love for that. I'm sure there are many more memories hidden in the recesses of my mind waiting to be unlocked at a time determined by God, at a time when I'm ready for them and can recognize the joy buried in the sadness as I was able to do with this one:)

"Novalee Nation: You tell them that our lives can change with every breath we take... and tell 'em to hold on like hell to what they've got: each other, and a mother who would die for them and almost did... You tell them we've all got meanness in us, but we've got goodness too. And the only thing worth living for is the good. And that's why we've got to make sure we pass it on

Prayers for Nancy

Zephaniah 3:17

New King James Version (NKJV)

¹⁷ The Lord your God in your midst,
The Mighty One, will save;
He will rejoice over you with gladness,
He will quiet you with His love,
He will rejoice over you with singing

On Aug.18 when I spoke at the annual luncheon for the Women’s Ministry of the First Baptist Church of Carrollton my friend Nancy Howard recited this scripture to me and said God gave it to her for me that morning. It had a major impact on me because it was the scripture that Rita Armenta used when we ministered at the prison together.  I ran and got my phone, writing the verse down in my notes. It is still there,   Zephaniah 3:17 written on August 18 at 10:52 a.m.  We hugged after that and she wished me luck before I shared my story. As we embraced I thought back to late March when I met with Beverly, Brenda, and Nancy at Café Brazil in Carrollton to share my story, it was that night they selected me as their keynote speaker for this annual event. A lot has happened in my life since that night in March but I was standing strong in the Lord and the power of his might. After hugging me Nancy told me how sorry she was about Alexis’ death and that she had really wanted to attend her service but was out of town. I was so blessed by her love, compassion, and concern that morning.  After the luncheon I felt so grateful to have met these wonderful ladies and made it a goal to stay in relationship with them.

It would be a few days later that I learned Nancy was attacked and shot in her garage at around 9 p.m. on the evening of August 18 at her home in Carrollton.  I began to pray without ceasing for her recovery and to follow her Caring Bridge site. It was stunning to realize I now have two Caring Bridge sites to follow: Barbara and now Nancy. I was just shocked that I had two friends who had been shot in tragic situations in the month of August. My thoughts were “What is this world coming to?” and I began to pray more fervently for Barbara and Nancy.

Last night Nancy’s story was on the news and my heart broke for her and her family again. As I prayed I thought of the scriptures below. We are in spiritual warfare during these times and we need prayer warriors to intercede. Please pray for we are in a battle with the rulers of the darkness of this age. So many dark things are happening right now, just look at what happened to my Alexis, Barbara, and Nancy. It is a dark  world out there but HIS Word always brings us hope and we need to cling to what is written in John 16:33 “ These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation: but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world”

2 Corinthians 10:3-6

New King James Version (NKJV)

³ For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war according to the flesh. ⁴ For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, ⁵ casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ, ⁶ and being ready to punish all disobedience when your obedience is fulfilled.

Ephesians 6:12-15

New King James Version (NKJV)

¹² For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age,^[a] against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places. ¹³ Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.

My healing journey :))

Not long ago I went back to see Alexis' car because I needed to see it. It was a very emotional experience that I captured on video. I just wanted to share it with all of you. I had posted this on Facebook but couldn't upload it to this site until now.

My Healing Journey from Susan DeFace Washington on Vimeo.

The first cut is the deepest

Alexis and I were alike in so many ways but I think she was stronger or at least she was more courageous, standing up for what she believed in regardless of what people thought. I think having Riley so young helped develop that courage. Also things didn’t come easy for Alexis , she tried so hard at everything and for some reason it never worked out for her. I would pray that she would make the team, be elected cheerleader, ace the audtion but it never happened for her.  She would be heart broken initially  but than she would try again, she never gave up. I really admired that quality in her. I believe those struggles helped to develop her into the person she became  but there was a time I was really concerned. I had forgotten about this and I don’t know why it came to the surface of my mind but felt led to share it because I believe many young women suffer from this.

When Alexis was a freshman  she began to go out with a boy and it was a very unhealthy relationship . It was very emotional and volatile most of the time. Alexis thought she was in love, well I really think she knew it wasn’t love but she felt she needed him for some reason. There were so many times she was hurt during this relationship and there were many times she did the hurting , as I said it was very volatile. I think they were both abusive. I didn’t worry about him hurting Alexis , I worried more about her going off on him. So her freshman year was like a roller coaster of emotions. But I also learned at this time she had some pain that ran very very deep and she didn’t know how to deal with it. Shockingly I would learn she dealt with it by cutting herself.

One afternoon her and this boy got into a huge fight. I think he would say very hurtful things to her. She was so tough but she was also so very sensitive, it was a rare combination.  This particular day he left after a huge blow up saying he was done with her, that was  all I heard but I knew there was more to it because Alexis was so upset. I  wondered what he had said to affect her that way, I could see the pain in her eyes. All I knew was they must have been words that cut very deep. All of the sudden Alexis ran off crying and I went after her. I looked for her everywhere and couldn’t find her. I got in my car and drove around but still couldn’t find her anywhere . After awhile I was beginning to panic that she had done something drastic when she came running in trying to hide her pants. She was still wearing her khakis from school but something was all over the thigh area in the front and I couldn’t figure out what it was. It looked as if she had put a red permanent marker in her pocket and that it had leaked but that didn’t really make any sense then  I looked again  and  I knew it was blood.

 Bringing my hand to my mouth I asked her what on earth had happened , how she had gotten hurt but then I noticed her pants weren’t torn. I just looked at her wondering what on earth had happened and then  I saw the razor in her hand. The realization came to me that  had cut herself and I began to shake because I was so scared. We both cried as we cleaned up her wounds and I asked her why she would do that to herself, although I understood . I understood because I had done the same thing before except I didn’t have the courage to cut so deep.

She had gone into the O'reillys Auto Parts Store, went into the bathroom and cut her legs very deep.  I really wasn’t sure what to do or say but I understood her pain because there were many times  I would take a knife and cut myself when the emotional pain and hurt became unbearable. The only difference is I couldn’t ever cut deep, mine were always surface wounds that looked more like scratches on my wrist. Alexis’ cuts would cause scarring that she would hate and be self conscious of for the rest of her  life wishing she would have chosen a different way to deal with her pain. But I don’t think she could see another way out a and at the time I just wanted to pretend it wasn’t happening hoping if I didn’t acknowledge it  then it wasn’t real

Maybe she hated the pretense we lived in for so long pretending everything was okay when it wasn’t .  Alexis liked to walk in truth. I don’t think it is a coincidence that her cutting ended as I grew closer to the Lord .  Because as I began to walk in the light sharing my pain I know I was a better mother. Before that I raised my kids in the same way I was raised- No matter what pretend everything is okay and nothing bad is happening but Most importantly NEVER talk about anything going on behind these walls.

I’m not sure how often she cut but it seemed to end after she got pregnant with Riley . One day I found a container with blades and she said I could throw it away that she didn’t do that anymore and I threw them in the trash. It was a phase I guess and I understood it. 

 In the same way my self abusive behavior ended as well.   Also as I got involved in church my kids got involved in youth. Another factor that made a difference was Alexis finally found something she was really good at and that she enjoyed. She was in the class where they sewed and Alexis loved it. Not only did she love it she excelled at it. Her teacher loved her and was so proud and amazed at how good Alexis was at this. Alexis had found her sweet spot.  Her passion and talent had come together and she found success and received positive recognition. Her outlook changed and I think the pain finally eased. Looking back you can see God at work in her life and all of our lives.