Part Two of Three of my testimony :) New Hope July 15, 2012

Here is part two of three from Sunday when I shared my testimony at New Hope Christian Church in Wylie, Texas. If you missed part one it is attached to the blog right before this. I am continually in awe of God and how I feel his presence right now. He loves me and I know that without at doubt. My faith is so strong and although I don't "see" him I  KNOW he is surrounding me and comforting me right now. I am so thankful for Riley , she is so precious . Yesterday as we were praying she said "Jesus , thank you for taking care of Momma and I'm happy she is in Heaven with you. I wish she could come back here but I know she can't ( she swallowed hard at this point) then she smiled and said "Amen". She is so sweet.

Later she asked me , again, about Hailey being her new Mommy and that she will now be a big sister to Kendall but she said when we all get to Heaven would Momma ( Alexis) be her momma again and I didn't know what to say so I said they would both be her Momma and that seemed to make her happy. I am trying to meet the insecurity that she feels and it breaks my heart because I know she is so scared. BUT I know without a doubt she is surrounded by love and my dear friend Patti had a vision where she saw two angels, strong protective angels, guarding Riley. That brings me such peace.

I know God is with her. Well of course I do because Riley told me she asked God if she could go to Heaven and see Momma and he told her it wasn't time yet. Feeling the peace that only he can provide. I hope you enjoy part two of my story and I will post part three next. When we turn to God and surrender our lives to him he restores, reconciles, and redeems. That is so apparent in my life .

Susan DeFace Washington's transformational testimony at New Hope Church in Wylie, TX 

Part Three can be found here

Part One of my testimony - July 15,2012 New Hope :)

Yesterday was a very powerful day for me. Not only did I celebrate 10 years clean off meth , alcohol, and every other drug I also shared my testimony at my home church. It was an amazing day and  the largest crowd I have ever spoken to. I just want to share it on my blog.

I see the many blessings God has bestowed upon me and HE has given me beauty for ashes . I see that even in the midst of the sorrow I feel from losing my daughter. I know I've said it before but I am amazed by his power in my life. It is because of my relationship with HIM that I have hope right now.

I miss Alexis terribly but I know he will bring good from it and I will be reunited with her. My testimony is in three parts and I just wanted to share it with you. Here is part one :)) God Bless You :))) 

Susan DeFace Washington's transformational testimony at New Hope Church in Wylie Texas

Part Two can be found here.

Alexis' Last Journal Entry 2/22/12 ( 7 days before her 20th birthday)

This is the last entry from Alexis' journal. I love that the last one was full of happiness and she was thinking about a career. I could tell her self confidence was growing by leaps and bounds in those last months. There was a bright light in her gorgeous green eyes. You could see her hope  in the way she was living her life. She still made mistakes but we all do and it seemed that in those last months if she messed up she would own it and try to do better. I was very impressed with that . It is hard to admit your mistakes and failures at any age but especially when you are only 20 but she was doing just that and I was and am incredibly proud.  I tried to let her know how proud I was of her.

 All I know is she had hope and was excited about her life. When we hung out on June 5th she was so excited about the coming weekend: she was doing some of her community service and had a date to the races.  She was finally in a place where she could see beyond the consequences of her legal trouble. She had almost completed her punishment. I remember thinking what a gift that was because when I got sent to rehab for 6 months back in 2001 I couldn't see past the sentence. It seemed endless to me and it was only 6 months. Alexis was living her life one day at a time.

 My advice to her each time we talked was not to look at ALL she had to get done because that would be overwhelming, look at one task at a time then look back and see all she had accomplished. Her accomplished list was getting quite long. I just know she was happy.

I am still so incredibly sad but trusting God. Yesterday I was in Brookshires buying groceries and without thinking I went and grabbed some Pepperoni Pizza Hot Pockets and went to the next isle. Suddenly it dawned on me that Alexis was the only one who liked Hot Pockets, no one else ate them and I began to cry a little as I went to put them back. I know I will have many more moments like that but I will do what I did at Brookshires, cry if I need to and continue to move forward taking one step at a time and if I need to rest I will rest knowing God will carry me the rest of the way. He loves me that much. That is what I know more than anything is that he loves me. Feeling his embrace during my most painful times brings healing to my broken heart.

  

"Assuredly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God as a little child will by no means enter it." Mark 10:15

Riley amazes me , she is so incredibly smart and insightful. Earlier today she ran into the room with her Barbie drawing board which is kind of like an etch-a-sketch with a pen and asked me if I remember when me, her, and Momma bought it . She reminded me we bought Momma some shorts also and that she ( Riley ) took my picture with her camera. She was right. Alexis Rose Washington, Riley and I wen...t to Target a few weeks before she died and bought all of those things. We had a lot of fun shopping , I had really forgotten about that day and I am so glad Riley reminded me.

Later we were driving to Walmart so Riley could spend her birthday money and she proceeded to tell me that the day Momma died Momma almost took her to work with her and that they had to turn around and go to Jens. She said her and Momma laughed because she forgot to take her to Jens . I don't know know what that is about . I asked some questions but then Riley told me matter of factly that she didn't want to talk about the day Momma died anymore but she would talk about it tomorrow if I wanted :)) so I let it go.

She had gotten 20 dollars for her birthday and she spent every bit of it . Her favorite thing right now is those Lalaloopsey dolls and that is what she bought. I always call them Lala Palooza dolls and she corrects me every time saying "Mimi they aren't Lalapaloozas they are Lalaloopsey:)) Anyway we were driving home and she asked me if I missed Momma and I said yes very much, then she asked if I cried and I said yes that I cry a lot because I miss her so much . She said she cried too and I just assured her it was fine to cry.

As we parked in front of the house she then asked if we would all go to Heaven one day and see Momma again. I told her yes but I just didn't know when that would be. Then she blew me away !!! She told me she asked God if she could go to Heaven to see Momma but He told her it wasn't time yet and then she got out of the car and ran to the house asking me to open her Lalaloopsey's so she could play.

In stunned silence I watched this little angel run in the door thanking God that my daughter got pregnant at 15 because I couldn't imagine life without Riley especially now. She is such a blessing . She always has been a blessing I just recognize it more now. I could feel God and Alexis smiling down on both of us . It is a moment I will always cherish. I just love it : Riley talks to God and He talks to her and she understands HIM. Our God is an awesome God !!!

Revelation 3:20 Here I am! I stand at the door and knock.

God continues to reveal himself to me as I walk this road of sorrow and for that I am grateful . I’m so thankful for the openness and transparency that I am able to have through this time. Through this openness and transparency  my surviving  children, Hailey and Sammy, feel the freedom to express their pain and share their feelings. Riley can do the same. There is no subject  or conversations that are off limits , even the tough ones that hurt. We talk about Alexis in honesty and truth .

  I remember back to David’s ( my brother) death and how closed off my parents were. We NEVER discussed David or the circumstances of his death . It was a forbidden subject and to this day I still have questions that will never be answered because there were no open lines of communication. And now there is no one left to answer the questions in my mind. We just held in our pain and it ate away at all of us ultimately destroying my mother and father.

 I am so thankful that I finally opened the door and let God into my heart. He was always there but we HAVE to make the choice to let him in, he won’t force us. It doesn’t’ escape me that the situation that was the catalyst that finally broke down the walls around my broken heart were the Jensen’s losing there their son Alex. As I watched them walk through that tragic circumstance with courage and strength I was amazed and knew I needed whatever they had.  My fears were they would self destruct as my parents did when they lost David in a tragic untimely way. But the Jensen’s came out on the other side stronger and  trusting God .  I was in awe of this thinking there must be more to this God. I was in a dangerous place because I somewhat believed in God but I didn’t know he was alive and working in the lives of those who loved and believed in him. I just thought he was a distant being not too sure what he thought about me because of all the tragedies that had happened in my life. What I really thought was that HE must hate me because I had lost so much and that I must be so incredibly bad for him to punish me with the deaths of David, mother, and Kathey. So I was just living my life in limbo feeling I must be the most awful person and just waiting for the rest of the world to figure it out. Then I learned how wrong I was and in time I learned what a loving father he was and how HIS heart broke with mine through every tragic circumstance.

 Finally that one incredible night when Dan Jensen was sharing about some guilt he felt about Alex and how God had told him that guilt was not from HIM but from the enemy and to not carry it. In that precious moment God reached through the Heavens and touched my fragile heart . The walls and barriers  that had been building up for decades came tumbling down and I shared the truth about my life, who I was, and the mistakes I had made . In that moment the healing began and I accepted Jesus as my  Lord , Savior , and Leader of my life. I was surrounded with love by my church , New Hope Wylie. Now of course a “church” is really the people who make up the church. We do have a building but it is just a building. The people are the real church. We live life together and are in relationship.  The name is so very appropriate : I found New Hope at New Hope :)  

That was a little over 7 years ago. I love numbers ( maybe I take after my earthly daddy in that area) but from research I know that the number 7 represents spiritual completion .  As you know God did create the world in 7 days. I now know God was preparing my heart, soul, and spirit for this time and I am so thankful that I can cling to HIM and feel His love.

When I think back to mother’s and Kathey’s deaths and the hopelessness I felt , the pain was unbearable . I mean I felt a physical pain in my heart when I thought of Kathey being gone forever. Mother , I just didn’t want to think about because I thought I killed her and thought I was a murderer.  Also after Kathey died many people would say  she was in a better place where there was no  more pain or suffering. That would make me so angry, I didn’t want to hear it. I wanted her here with me. That reaction was a result of not knowing God and believing in HIS plans and purpose. That reaction was very selfish. That reaction was a result of not having a personal relationship with Jesus.

 Today I KNOW my Rosebud is in a better place and I am thankful and joyful for that even in the midst of the sorrow and grief I can see HIS goodness . Although I don’t understand it all I TRUST him completely and choose to walk this road that is mine to walk hand in hand with my Lord and Savior. So thankful for the place I am in today. I couldn’t’ be doing this without HIM , I know I would be destroyed . I am just so grateful he never gave up on me and continued to knock at the door of my heart and I am thankful I finally made the choice to let him in.

Revelation 3:20

New International Version (NIV)

²⁰ Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with that person, and they with me.