Revelation 3:20 Here I am! I stand at the door and knock.

God continues to reveal himself to me as I walk this road of sorrow and for that I am grateful . I’m so thankful for the openness and transparency that I am able to have through this time. Through this openness and transparency  my surviving  children, Hailey and Sammy, feel the freedom to express their pain and share their feelings. Riley can do the same. There is no subject  or conversations that are off limits , even the tough ones that hurt. We talk about Alexis in honesty and truth .

  I remember back to David’s ( my brother) death and how closed off my parents were. We NEVER discussed David or the circumstances of his death . It was a forbidden subject and to this day I still have questions that will never be answered because there were no open lines of communication. And now there is no one left to answer the questions in my mind. We just held in our pain and it ate away at all of us ultimately destroying my mother and father.

 I am so thankful that I finally opened the door and let God into my heart. He was always there but we HAVE to make the choice to let him in, he won’t force us. It doesn’t’ escape me that the situation that was the catalyst that finally broke down the walls around my broken heart were the Jensen’s losing there their son Alex. As I watched them walk through that tragic circumstance with courage and strength I was amazed and knew I needed whatever they had.  My fears were they would self destruct as my parents did when they lost David in a tragic untimely way. But the Jensen’s came out on the other side stronger and  trusting God .  I was in awe of this thinking there must be more to this God. I was in a dangerous place because I somewhat believed in God but I didn’t know he was alive and working in the lives of those who loved and believed in him. I just thought he was a distant being not too sure what he thought about me because of all the tragedies that had happened in my life. What I really thought was that HE must hate me because I had lost so much and that I must be so incredibly bad for him to punish me with the deaths of David, mother, and Kathey. So I was just living my life in limbo feeling I must be the most awful person and just waiting for the rest of the world to figure it out. Then I learned how wrong I was and in time I learned what a loving father he was and how HIS heart broke with mine through every tragic circumstance.

 Finally that one incredible night when Dan Jensen was sharing about some guilt he felt about Alex and how God had told him that guilt was not from HIM but from the enemy and to not carry it. In that precious moment God reached through the Heavens and touched my fragile heart . The walls and barriers  that had been building up for decades came tumbling down and I shared the truth about my life, who I was, and the mistakes I had made . In that moment the healing began and I accepted Jesus as my  Lord , Savior , and Leader of my life. I was surrounded with love by my church , New Hope Wylie. Now of course a “church” is really the people who make up the church. We do have a building but it is just a building. The people are the real church. We live life together and are in relationship.  The name is so very appropriate : I found New Hope at New Hope :)  

That was a little over 7 years ago. I love numbers ( maybe I take after my earthly daddy in that area) but from research I know that the number 7 represents spiritual completion .  As you know God did create the world in 7 days. I now know God was preparing my heart, soul, and spirit for this time and I am so thankful that I can cling to HIM and feel His love.

When I think back to mother’s and Kathey’s deaths and the hopelessness I felt , the pain was unbearable . I mean I felt a physical pain in my heart when I thought of Kathey being gone forever. Mother , I just didn’t want to think about because I thought I killed her and thought I was a murderer.  Also after Kathey died many people would say  she was in a better place where there was no  more pain or suffering. That would make me so angry, I didn’t want to hear it. I wanted her here with me. That reaction was a result of not knowing God and believing in HIS plans and purpose. That reaction was very selfish. That reaction was a result of not having a personal relationship with Jesus.

 Today I KNOW my Rosebud is in a better place and I am thankful and joyful for that even in the midst of the sorrow and grief I can see HIS goodness . Although I don’t understand it all I TRUST him completely and choose to walk this road that is mine to walk hand in hand with my Lord and Savior. So thankful for the place I am in today. I couldn’t’ be doing this without HIM , I know I would be destroyed . I am just so grateful he never gave up on me and continued to knock at the door of my heart and I am thankful I finally made the choice to let him in.

Revelation 3:20

New International Version (NIV)

²⁰ Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with that person, and they with me.