Alexis' Last Journal Entry 2/22/12 ( 7 days before her 20th birthday)

This is the last entry from Alexis' journal. I love that the last one was full of happiness and she was thinking about a career. I could tell her self confidence was growing by leaps and bounds in those last months. There was a bright light in her gorgeous green eyes. You could see her hope  in the way she was living her life. She still made mistakes but we all do and it seemed that in those last months if she messed up she would own it and try to do better. I was very impressed with that . It is hard to admit your mistakes and failures at any age but especially when you are only 20 but she was doing just that and I was and am incredibly proud.  I tried to let her know how proud I was of her.

 All I know is she had hope and was excited about her life. When we hung out on June 5th she was so excited about the coming weekend: she was doing some of her community service and had a date to the races.  She was finally in a place where she could see beyond the consequences of her legal trouble. She had almost completed her punishment. I remember thinking what a gift that was because when I got sent to rehab for 6 months back in 2001 I couldn't see past the sentence. It seemed endless to me and it was only 6 months. Alexis was living her life one day at a time.

 My advice to her each time we talked was not to look at ALL she had to get done because that would be overwhelming, look at one task at a time then look back and see all she had accomplished. Her accomplished list was getting quite long. I just know she was happy.

I am still so incredibly sad but trusting God. Yesterday I was in Brookshires buying groceries and without thinking I went and grabbed some Pepperoni Pizza Hot Pockets and went to the next isle. Suddenly it dawned on me that Alexis was the only one who liked Hot Pockets, no one else ate them and I began to cry a little as I went to put them back. I know I will have many more moments like that but I will do what I did at Brookshires, cry if I need to and continue to move forward taking one step at a time and if I need to rest I will rest knowing God will carry me the rest of the way. He loves me that much. That is what I know more than anything is that he loves me. Feeling his embrace during my most painful times brings healing to my broken heart.