Riley's Birth :))

It was 4 years ago today that Alexis had Riley , it is a day I'll never forget . The night before Riley's birth Alexis had been hanging out with Rachel, I think there was a group of girls swimming. I just called to check on Alexis not really thinking anything because her due date wasn't until July 4 so this was a little early. As I spoke to Alexis I could hear the other girls giggling in the background and I smiled thankful Alexis could still experience that: summer nights with teenage friends sharing their hopes, dreams, and heartaches while being extremely silly in between. I remembered that all too well with girls I am still in relationship with today. Alexis said something that made me concerned so I told her I would come pick her up and just have her checked out at he hospital to be safe. When I went to Rachel's all the girls wanted to go, I can't remember who all was there but I remember Rachel, Haley, and a few more. They jumped in my car and we drove to Baylor Garland. The girls were having fun making each other laugh, being extremely silly and this continued into the hospital . I was enjoying them but the nurses were a little irritated. I mean Alexis was 16 and pregnant , I'm not sure what they were thinking but they checked Alexis and all was fine. On the way home the girls paid attention to the directions so when Alex did have Riley they could visit. Everyone was excited about Riley: her friends and their parents . I just loved how Alexis' pregnancy was accepted by all. I dropped all the girls off and Alexis and I went home and I went to sleep. Of course Alex didn't because she was a night owl as usual , but now a pregnant night owl:)) at about 3 in the morning she came and woke me up saying she thought she was in labor . She had been timing contractions and they were 7 minutes apart and at that moment she had a contraction and I knew it was time. We didn't wake Sammy or Warner but just left for Baylor Garland. The same nurses were on duty and believed this was the real deal , they even commented somewhat condescendingly that Alexis wasn't being so silly now. I patted Alexis' hand hoping she wouldn't go off on these nurses:))

Now it was time to wait for the labor to progress. the nurses asked about my labor experience and I told them it went very slow , I always needed pitocin . Hailey was 36 hours, Alexis was 19 hours , and Sammy was 8 . I did not have babies fast .

Alexis fared a little better and Riley was born about two in the afternoon.. What is amazing about this is I was in the room with Alexis and Hailey (Alexis' sister) had come in to say hi. At this time Hailey and Alexis didn't really get along and it was never planned for Hailey to be there but while she was in there things got hectic and all the sudden no one could leave. Riley was about to be born. I was up by Alexis' head encouraging her that she could go on . . Hailey was down by the doctor, moments later Riley emerged from the birth canal. There was a look of wonder on Hailey's face and she began to sob saying this was the most amazing thing she had ever seen. A special bond was formed between Hailey and Riley that day, a bond God knew would be needed for this time. Hailey has always loved Riley like she was her own. It always touched my heart how Hailey felt because she and Alexus would struggle as many sisters so close in age do but now I know why God planted a mother's love in Hailey's heart for Riley , it was a seed that has continued to grow . God knew Alexis would die and he prepared Hailey's and Riley's heart so the ache of losing Alexis could be bearable.

All of Alexis' friends were in the waiting room . It was actually full of teenage girls who cheered when we announced Riley's arrival. It was a beautiful day .

I spent the night with Alexis in the hospital and the nurses taught her to nurse Riley. Their attitude towards Alexis changed as they observed her. It was obvious how much she loved Her baby and how she wanted to provide the best for Riley, she listened intently as they explained everything from nursing, swaddling, how to lay the baby, etc. I could tell they were impressed with her attentiveness and their judgement about her age and immaturity softened.

One of my favorite memories of that summer was each Monday a group of Alexis' friends would come over and watch "The Secret Life of the American Teenager" Alexis would be on her bed cuddling Riley with her teenage friends sitting where ever they could in Alexis' room. There was so much laughter and love, I would just smile in my room so thankful she had such great friends:))

Alexis Rose- Unconditional Love :)

The journal below was so very special to me and really touched my heart. It shows how deeply Alexis loved . At times she had trouble demonstrating that love with me at least. She never had trouble showing Riley her love. It was like with Riley she could let her guard down and her unconditional love would flow freely. All I know is that when she questioned her decision and she said " Maybe she should have given Riley to a normal family" I thought no way. Her love for Riley was and is so obvious and because of that unconditional love Riley feels secure in who she is. Just yesterday she talked about how much Alexis loves her and then said " Mi Mi , there are a lot of people who love me" and I asked her who and she said ( in this order : )) : Momma, Mi Mi, Papa, Hailey, Sammy , Shelby, Tony, and Kendall Grace  and Grandma and Grandy then she looked like she was thinking hard . Smiling I told her there were so many people who loved her and thought about her everyday. She smiled sweetly and then we talked about her birthday party which will be a " Hello Kitty " theme party. She is very excited but wanted it clear that she still LOVES princesses.

All I know is Alexis made the right decision, there is no doubt in my mind. Even though she was so young she was a wonderful mother. I will always think of Alexis laying on her bed while she was pregnant  playing Beethoven with the headphones attached to her protruding belly so Riley would hear classical music because Alexis had heard it was good for the baby to listen to that type of music.  Then after Riley was born and school began she continued nursing all the way until Jan. She started her junior year carrying a back pack to school and a breast pump. I don't think I was ever more proud of her . She wanted to do what was best for Riley ,and didn't care what others thought. I dont' know if anyone ever teased her, I doubt it because she would have kicked their butt, but Alexis was determined to nurse Riley for 7 months and did. I am still amazed with that.

Alexis made the right decision and we have a beautiful gift that is part of Alexis and I am so very thankful for that. God's hand was all over this and I can't imagine life without our Riley Roo. Thank you Alexis Rose for one of the greatest gifts of all, you will live on in our memories forever and through Riley. This journal is SO Alexis , it shows her deep abiding love for her dad and Riley and then it jumps to her anger at Riley's father because she just couldn't understand how he couldn't care when she loved Riley so very deeply. Alexis emotions ran very deep.

Another picture that came to my mind was when we were leaving the hospital to take Riley home and Alexis began to cry and she looked at me imploringly so scared she couldn't do it , she was scared she wouldn't be a good mother. I hugged her and told her she would do great , that I believed in her and I really did. That fear was unfounded because she was a wonderful Mom and my goal is to keep that memory alive for Riley. I know the memory will fade but Riley will have this journal, thousands of photos , and the memorial video which I believes captures their love for one another with such amazing grace, it shows God's amazing grace in all situations and Romans 8:28 is lived out again in our lives. Trusting God and His Word through this time and he constantly meets me and comforts me as only HE can.

Romans 8:28

New Living Translation (NLT)

²⁸ And we know that God causes everything to work together^[a] for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.

  

Beauty for Ashes: the Oil of Joy for Mourning

Below are the photos of Alexis' car. This was a HORRIFIC wreck. Nothing could have prepared me for what I saw. I remember making the comment after she died  that we needed to get Riley's car seat from the car, and someone said you couldn't use a car seat if it had been involved in a wreck. I thought okay that makes sense but I NEVER imagined the car to look like this and Riley's car seat to be crushed beyond recognition, praising God that Riley was safely with Jen.  

Again I had no idea, to be honest I don't know what I thought : it was a wreck that killed my daughter but I didn't think it was so violent because I had seen Alexis at the hospital. There was blood but not much, as I looked at her I looked back at the nurse and wanted to ask her "are you sure she's dead ?"

Alexis appeared to be sleeping peacefully without a mark on her face, not even a scratch. After seeing the twisted metal I knew it was a miracle and that I had to share it. After I got to the car I pulled up my photo of Alexis that I took from the funeral home. It may seem weird but I had to take the picture, she looked like sleeping beauty. It was so comforting to see her and I knew that was a gift from God. He gave us that gift so we could remember her in peace and beauty and so Riley could see her and say goodbye.

My previous experiences with death were horrible. As I have said when I think of my brother David I picture him in the casket with a pastey cover on his face. There was a blue tinged indention where he put the gun and shot himself. I have no other pictures in my mind. I have had nightmares from this. When I think of mother it is the same. My first thoughts are of her contorted, grotesque face when I found her body and then in the casket with the pastey makeup. It still frightens me and I literally shake my head trying to get the images out.

They are clownish garish pictures in my mind that have always haunted me and taken my joy and peace . These images have overshadowed any good memories that I had of them. These images in my mind were ingrained even more deeply when the recurring nightmare  of mother and David began, the nightmare that haunted my sleep for so long. I honestly don't remember when they stopped. But the dream is as vivid in my mind as if I had it last night. The images  from their death have been one of the  darkest and  frightening  experiences of my life.

I don't know if I am getting my point across about how this affected me and the trauma it caused. But it had an everlasting impact on my life.  This was my point of reference when I learned of Alexis' death and God knew it.

God in his unfathomable goodness gave me a gift. Like I said God knew she would die but HE didn't want this to happen to Alexis. BAD THINGS HAPPEN BECAUSE WE LIVE IN A BROKEN WORLD. But God is so good and has given me so many gifts through her death.

It is unexplainable that she was not destroyed physcially in this wreck, that her body was not completey broken and torn apart as the car was. It is a miracle there was no fire or explosion. God sent people to comfort her and pray during her last seconds, people who screamed get a fire extinguisher because the gas tank was exposed and  leaking and there was smoke bellowing. I get down on my knees thanking him for giving me that gift so I could see her in PEACE. I can't tell you the comfort that brings.

This was a tragic accident and I hurt so badly but through my tears I see God's goodness and I feel his love. I am so glad I know HIM and that I am HIS daughter. He loves me and my family so much and HE is bringing us comfort , walking beside us, carrying us when we can't take another step. Alexis is with HIM and I will be with them one day. That gives me HOPE .

A practical lesson from this tragedy is slow down. If you're  late you're  late ,don't drive recklessly !! Set your alarm earlier, go to sleep earlier, and be prepared. But if you're going to be late , just be late. It's not the end of the world but it could be if you're careless. It was the end of Alexis' world in this realm.

Alexis' intentions were good, she wanted to get to work and she was running late but her choice wasn't a good choice. This was a life changing choice and it changed all of our lives forever.  So learn from her practically as well as spiritually.  Be honest and try to do better. It is not worth losing your life. Drive safely and in every aspect of your life : Slow down don't move so fast. Enjoy your family, friends, and life. Let the people you love know it because you never know...your life can be gone in the blink of an eye. But our God is an awesome God and he will bring good from this.

My heartfelt prayer is that you have a personal relationship with Jesus because HE is the only one who can redeem your pain and bring forth healing by providing strength in your weakness. He has shown that to me through this and I just want to rest in HIS peace. As I wrote this I was reminded of a song that has always spoken to my heart. Here are the lyrics, the title is

"The More I Seek You"

The more i seek you,
the more i find you.

The more i find you,
the more I love you

I wanna sit at your feet
drink from the cup in your hand.
Lay back against you and breath,
hear your heart beat

This love is so deep,
it's more than I can stand.
I melt in your peace, it's overwhelming

Constantly seeking him , sitting at his feet, and being able to melt in HIS peace. It is overwhelming and so comforting.

Below are my thoughts as I drove to see the car on June 19. This is part of my Facebook status from June 20, 2012. I just wanted to share it again.

The car was at Chubb’s in Rockwall. I knew exactly where it was because it was next to the County Jail where I had lived for 4 months. Rockwall County was my favorite jail and so I decided to see the car and drop in and say hi to some of my favorite guards. It may sound weird but I had visited them before and they were really happy to see me, I know they were my guards but I came to really care about them.
As I turned left on Townesend I began to pray to God to give me the strength to see the car. As I turned onto the gravel road that would take me to Chubbs I glanced over to the jail looking at the razor wire and the place where I could go out and smoke during my breaks as a trusty at the jail. It seemed a lifetime ago and again I was struck by that phrase because Alexis’ life was over. When I was locked up in Rockwall she was 10 years old back in 2002. A deep sadness came upon me.

Driving ahead I pulled into the salvage yard and came to a stop. A man walked out of the building asking if he could help me. I told him that I was there to see my daughter’s car. He looked sadly at me and asked me if I was sure I wanted to see it because it was an awful sight. I told him I had to see it. He asked for my ID and then sadly pointed to some cars parked by the razor wire of the jail. He said it is the one that looks like a triangle.

The sight of the “car” made me gasp putting my hand to my mouth as I withheld a scream. In a trance like state I began to walk to the car and as I got closer my knees almost buckled and gave out on me . At that point I began to cry, those deep sobs that I had never experienced before her death. It was as if I was crying from deep within my spirit.

Taking a deep breath I moved closer to the car. It was horrific !!! Worse than I imagined and I couldn’t believe it, I began to cry again. The gas tank was hanging out to the side and the car was just unrecognizable. Slowly I moved around to the driver’s seat and was amazed that this little area was completely undisturbed, the rest of the car was a mangled mess of metal but the drivers area was protected. In the floorboard was one pink and gray NIKE , they were shoes I had given her to work in , there was only one shoe and fleetingly I wondered where the other could be.

There was some blood on the seat but really not much it was just surreal . I looked in the back seat to where Riley’s booster seat was and I could only slightly see it because the complete backseat was compressed together , it reminded me of a can crusher when you crush a can and completely flatten it. The back of the car had been completely crushed and flattened together.

At that point I began to cry tears of gratitude so thankful that our precious Riley was safely at Jen’s on that fateful Thursday, she would have been completely destroyed if she had been in the car . Walking to the “back” of the car I glanced in the trunk and saw more shreds of Riley’s pink and blue sand bucket and then I saw something that was as unexplainable as the undisturbed driver’s area, as Alexis’ body that did not have a visible mark of injury.

Amazingly, I found Riley’s yellow sand toy that Alexis had taken a picture with. I will share the photo again. It was in one piece, I grabbed it and sadly walked to my car thankful on the one hand for the many miracles that took place ( the car didn’t blow up and Alexis looked to beautiful that we could see her ) but so saddened that my sweet daughter was gone. It was something I needed to do. I got in my car and drove down the gravel road asking God to comfort me.

  

  

 

Alexis' Sweet Heart- She was hurting but also healing :)

It is so wonderful to hear Alexis' voice in her writings and you can see her courage and boldness. Before she went on this interview I told her she needed to be honest about her past because when we are honest we can walk in freedom. I know how hard it is to confess your failures and mistakes in a job interview because you run the risk of being rejected but the rewards of facing your fears head on regardless of the consequences are indescribable. Honestly it is hard to confess your failures and mistakes in any venue but once you do God's light shines in and takes away the darkness of your secrets and  the lies Satan is whispering in your ear.  As the Bible says in  John 8:   " ³² Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” Nothing has made more of a difference in my life than walking in truth and light, God's light can shine from within. It is the most powerful precept I live by.

Even in my pain, a pain so deep and raw that  I have never experienced before and I have experienced a lot of pain, I see God's goodness and grace. Later I will share  HIS amazing love  and gift to me through photos of the car. He blessed me so much and I want to shout from the depth of my soul how Good He Is and how I know HE is hurting with me and for me. We live in a broken world but HIS grace and love is still omnipotent . And because of his unconditional love that lives in my heart HIS brilliant light can shine through my brokenness.

  

My last quality moments with Alexis and more of her incredible journal :)

Hopefully you have been enjoying this journal of Alexis and it has given you a glimpse into her heart and soul. There weren't many entries and I only have a few more to share but again I am so thankful to God for them. They have blessed Warner, Hailey, Sammy and me  and brought comfort to my breaking heart. There are lessons for all of us, young and a little older :) through these writings. Today I just want to say hug the people in your life and speak words of encouragement that will build them up. Choose to see the best in them and speak to that. We are all wired differently so that is hard for some people to do. Alexis was very guarded but felt so deeply and you will see that in some of the later journals, you have already seent he depth of her wisdom. She was much wiser than her 20 years would suggest.

The last time I spent quality time with  Alexis was on Monday June 4, 2012  at Kenen's house, she was hanging out with Angela and Riley was playing with all the kids. I had stopped by to see her and give her a shirt that I thought would magnify her beautiful green eyes.  She was hopeful and excited about a new boy named Shane that she had gone out with and had asked her to the races for the coming weekend. It warmed my heart to see that shy smile when I asked if he was a boyfriend, just that special smile when a young girl feels a boy really likes her. She needed that desperately.  

We were trying to figure out babysitting for the coming Saturday June 9 because she was going to do some community service and then go to the races with Shane. As we walked outside I told her I was so proud of how responsiblie she had become and that all this mess was almost over and soon she would be free and clear not having to worry about her legal consequences.  During the last few months I had encouraged her to take everything one day at a time, one fine at a time, one class at at time because then it wouldn't seem so overwhelming. When we look at the big picture of all we have to do at times  it can be so overwhelming. I listed to her all the things she had accomplished and could check off her list.  I told her again this is almost over then you will finally have some freedom with your time and your money. I have never thought I had the gift of prophecy but I certainly spoke prophetically that day.  She is completely free from all the worries she had.

I also wanted her to see the car that I wanted to get for her, it was the one I was borrowing from Ramonne and Cheri since my car broke down. It is a 94 Maxima in great condition. She didn't look thrilled but when I told her it had an amazing air conditioner and a radio her eyes lit up and she hoped Ramonne would let us buy it from him. I told her we had been discussing it. Then we hugged awkwardly because hugs tended to be outside our comfort zone , that is just he way it was with us  but we tried because we loved each other deeply. Then we both said "I love you" at the same time. I got in the car and we waved.

We talked on the phone after that but that was the last time I really spent time with her until I saw her at the hospital after she passed. So thankful I went by Kenen's because I almost put it off until Thursday night which of course would have been too late. 

So my advice to you is :  love big my friends and don't put off until tomorrow what can be done today, you never know if tomorrow will come. I loved that girl , everything about her : her beauty, humor, love, and even her difficulties. I kind of rambled in this blog but I am going to leave it, it came straight from my heart. Below is the next journal from Alexis. So very thankful :)) As always trusting God daily . I am not only laying my burdens at the cross , I am laying down there too. Because it is at the cross  where grace and mercy meet. I need his grace and mercy constantly.