My Facebook Post from June 7, 2011

It has been a VERY slow day at work so I scrolled through Facebook. I usually just look at this past year when I go back but today I decided to see what was on my mind June 7, 2011 a year to the day before Alexis died. I was sharing about the darkest period of my life , never would I have imagined it could get darker but it did. The only difference is there was a light that I could cling to when Alexis died that was not there when my mother passed. I just thought I would take you back to June 7, 2011 which takes you back to June of 1979. This has inspired to work hard on my book, I am almost done :))

The summer after mother’s death was one of the darkest periods of my life. Early in that summer I went to Hawaii with friends and then right after that to Lake Ouachita in Arkansas, this was a trip we took every year. After those vacations I returned to the house on Van Pelt and lived there alone because my dad returned to the lake. I hated living in that house; there were just so many painful memories . In my mind it just seemed to be a house of death . Although I was eighteen and considered an adult I was still a child and should have never been left in that situation but that was my reality. David’s room always reminded me of his suicide and my childhood room always made me think of mother’s death so I shut the doors to those rooms trying to shut out the darkness that was enveloping me. Not long after living there alone I started having a recurring nightmare that I dreamed EVERY night. In the dream my mother and brother were dressed as evil clowns riding tricycles chasing me through the house. The house seemed endless and as they rode after me they kept taunting me and accusing me of killing my mother. I would run from them looking over my shoulder terrified they would catch me but they never did. Finally I would wake up in a cold sweat, crying uncontrollably both saddened and relieved that I was alone. Too scared to go back to sleep I spent a lot of time watching TV. I just felt so alone during this time . I was too scared to open up to anyone and tell them what was going on or about the demonic dream because I believed I killed my mom. It was just a time of torture and I was being spiritually attacked every day. My plans after graduation had always been to go to the University of Texas and room with Peri. That was my dream but for some reason , which I don’t understand to this day, I decided I needed to stay home since my mother had died. The irony of it all was I didn’t have a home, I only had a house to live in and a house that was full of pain for me . So I stayed in the house on Van Pelt and lived alone attending Eastfield. To be honest I don’t know how I did it, I was in survival mode and I don’t know what propelled me to move forward but I did attend school and made good grades. I am proud of that but the unwarranted burden I was carrying was getting heavier and something was going to have to change or I was going to fall apart and lose it.

Comments below :

Joe D. Baker I can't imagine what that all must have been like. I had every advantage (not financially, although we weren't poor; but a loving and supportive family that encouraged me), and almost washed out in spite of all those advantages.

June 7, 2011 at 11:42pm · Unlike · 2..

Lori Rice Stephenson Hugs to you Susan. You are a survivor and even as you reveal the pain and sorrow you endured, I see healing, hope and encouragement for others. Blessings to you my friend.

Venetia Vahrenkamp Gentzler To have felt so alone at such a sad time; you are so storng, and obviously meant to do VERY good things! Keep it up! And I also think this will be an inspiring book- go for it!:-)

Accentuate the positive :)

Here is what I hope I have learned from the death of Alexis:  To love and encourage at all times and look for the blessing in every situation because there ALWAYS is one.

 As I drove to work in the rain I thought back to the day she died and I wondered “What If?”  , a very futile game to play but I played it none the less. I thought “What if Alexis didn’t die that day?” “What if she wrecked but was okay ,  totaling her car and jeopardizing her job , but she was okay?”

 Looking at it from my viewpoint NOW  I would be praising the Lord that she was fine,  SO THANKFUL  that she was alive and still with me. The material and practical things don’t matter when you think about someone’s life and their death but I WONDERED how I would have reacted without the experience of losing her . If I hadn’t lost her I wouldn’t miss her and know this hole in my heart  so  I BELIEVE I would have been very critical of her focusing on all the mistakes she made, and would have gotten very angry not recognizing  the blessing I had received ,  just focusing on the problems the accident would have caused . WOW !!! your perspective on everything sure changes when  you lose a child.

That is what I want to change about ME, I want to look at every situation and focus on the blessings and good that is in it. I want to accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative. That is what I will try to do from this point forward and let everyone I LOVE know it.

So to continue in that vein I will focus on the blessings that have come from Alexis’ death:  The most important one being all the ones who raised their hands to ask Jesus into their hearts at her service. If one soul is saved through her death it is worth it because I KNOW WITHOUT A DOUBT I will see her again and it will seem like we never were apart. In a blink of an eye we will be together again.  And until we meet again I am so thankful for her life and the photos left behind. This one she took at her last birthday party. It makes me laugh . What a blessing it is to laugh .

Those pesky small foxes,THANK GOD I just caught some more : ))))

Song of Solomon 2:15

Catch for us the foxes, the little foxes that ruin the vineyards, our vineyards that are in bloom

Not too long ago I got a ticket for turning right on red between the hours of 7-9 a.m. at Parker and Country Club near Wylie Texas.  This is the route I always take NOW - going through downtown Wylie as it turns into Parker Rd. It is a very pretty scenic drive through the country but it is also very dangerous. There have been numerous fatalities from accidents on Parker Rd. and of course one of those fatalities was my daughter Alexis. For some reason it in more important for me to take this route now so that I can pass the cross on the side of the road with the owl on top.  And each morning I arrive at the intersection in question, the intersection where I got my ticket.

Last week I joked on Facebook that from this point forward I would not turn right on red no matter how much honking or how many hand gestures came my way because this ticket cost me $185. But this morning I was wondering how I got to the point that I just blatantly disregarded this traffic sign. The day I got the ticket I didn’t even think twice. It was 8:50, the light was red,   and no one was coming so I turned right.  In that moment I saw an officer standing next to his motorcycle waving at me to pull into the entrance at Sonic. Even then I wasn’t sure what I had done wrong until he told me of my infraction. I didn’t argue or try and make excuses; I was just somewhat surprised that I wasn’t even aware that I had broken the law.

Today I thought back to how I slowly desensitized myself to this obvious law in place. I recalled in the beginning when I made this my regular route having thoughts that this was really a stupid sign because there was never that much traffic, there is nothing obstructing your view, and it didn’t seem anyone paid attention to it anyway.   EVERY DAY people were turning right on red at all times. My thinking then changed to this must be okay since everyone else is doing it  and I had never seen anyone get in trouble which led me to believe even law enforcement doesn’t want to enforce this ridiculous sign. So I followed suit and just turned right on red at any time I wanted along with my other commuters. At first I would have a twinge of conscience thinking “this isn’t right” but I would quickly dismiss it and remind myself “everyone else is doing it and it is a stupid sign anyway” then I would smile smugly and feel better. As time went on I didn’t even look or think about the sign anymore. I had become so comfortable with this action it was now completely acceptable to me BUT it wasn’t right!! I broke the law knowingly and it got to the point where the little warning bells that go off in my head (my conscience) telling me that I was doing something wrong didn’t go off anymore. I had silenced them with my rationalization and justification. They are now turned back because I got a ticket that hurt and will hurt for a while but I wonder if eventually the pain will fade and I will revert back to my old way of thinking (I think this is why there is so much recidivism in prison) but instead of randomly turning right on red I will look around for an officer of the law and only turn if I won’t get caught.  THIS THOUGHT PROCESS FRIGHTENS ME!!! THIS IS HOW WE GET SO OFF TRACK IN OUR LIVES. IT’S A SLOW FADE……………………………..THIS IS HOW VALUES AND MORALS GET COMPROMISED AND WE DON’T EVEN SEE THE CHANGES IN PLACE..

When I share my testimony I talk about small compromises and this is another example that describes what can happen.  I am just amazed that I fell for this and got so off track when I speak of this so often. But here is where I failed, even though I talk about small compromises I talk about them in the sense of major struggles: drug addiction and theft.  So in the small areas ( minor –misdemeanor traffic violations)  I guess I thought I was immune and this wouldn’t affect my morals, values, and character but it did and it could have gotten so much worse.  

We must have boundaries in place that we will not cross and NOT ONLY  not cross we  CAN’T budge them , we can’t move them even if just slightly. I need to remember that is how I went from Pompons to Prison: ))))))

I am very thankful I got that ticket because it taught me a valuable lesson in the way I think and how my thinking can get so off track.

June 8-10: Tough days ! Not only did I lose my daughter I lost a dear friend

From the Blog :June 8,2012: Seeing Alexis for the last time and the Cross on the side of the Road.

Riley and the others finished the cross and we decided to go put it at the site. First we made a stop at Walmart to by some flowers to put around the cross . We also laughed as we bought a box of Mashed Potatoes ( Alexis’ favorite food) and a bottle of Dr. Pepper ( Her favorite drink ). We loaded back into our cars and drove to the crash site.

After taking the flowers, mashed potatoes , and Dr. Pepper  to the cross we went back to Jill’s. At this point all the time begins to blur together. At some point it was decided we would all wear green because Alexis had such beautiful green eyes. Hailey, Shelby, and I went to Fire wheel to buy new outfits for all of us to wear to her service which would be on Monday June, 11^th. Before I knew it, it was Sunday June 10 the day before we would say goodbye to Alexis.

That Sunday morning we went to the 9:30 service at New Hope and sat on the front row. Walking in I was hugged by friend after friend as the tears continued to flow. One thing I learned through this time is I have an endless supply of tears, I wondered where all that water came from: )). The love and support I felt comforted my breaking heart. Again I thanked my Lord and Savior for leading me to New Hope 7 years before, I shuddered to think how this tragedy would have played out if I wasn’t in the place I was now . The support I received from these people sustained me through this time. It was a perfect picture of what a church should be.  The way the body pulled together was a beautiful Biblical description.

 After church we went to Warner’s parents for brunch and spent time as a family. At this time we started looking at urns for Alexis and urn jewelry so we could all carry a part of Alexis with us.  One of Alexis’ best friends, Haley, had come into town from Kansas for Alexis’ service and she was with us ( Honestly I can’t remember all the details, I think Haley was at church and ate with us but I’m just not positive on this, Haley will read this and let me know : )))

 There would be another candle light vigil in the parking lot of Wylie High School that evening. It was decided we would take Riley to the Princess Park (really the Pirate Park ) so she could play with Haley’s kids then we would go to the vigil.

The vigil was very nice and what struck me the most was the diverse group  of friends Alexis had, each  so called “clique” was represented and represented well. This said a lot about my daughter and the lives she impacted.  I could see the pain and shock on all these young adults’ faces, and their love for Alexis was overflowing.   We made a circle and shared stories about  her and again what stood out the most was she was  such a funny, bold, and  loving young girl.

As I left that evening my heart was somewhat comforted by the love for Alexis but I was still in shock. I left Wylie High School to drive to Rowlett to see my best friends Melanie and Peri.  Peri had flown in from Los Angeles for the service and they were taking me to dinner. On my drive over I talked to another “friend” ,  someone I thought was one of my best friends. We had shared pain, joy, and the ups and downs of life after reconnecting in 2010. This was a heartbreaking conversation for me because I learned my friendship was not important to this person and that I really didn’t matter. My daughter had just died and I felt abandoned and betrayed by someone I thought really cared about me and our friendship but I learned I didn’t matter at all. My heart broke a little more. Since that time we have not had any contact.  It was a tough lesson during my darkest hour but it was a lesson I needed to learn. My God was showing me that HE was the one I needed to lean on and depend on, others would let me down.  Everyone is human with faults and frailties.  That even those who seem the strongest on the outside maybe weak on the inside no matter how high I put them on a pedestal.  And that is what I had done put this friend on a pedestal and that wasn’t fair to anyone, no one could live up to that. So I was at fault and God taught me that. But I will honestly say that there were many moments and there still are that I cry to God and say “Did I have to learn this now?”  BUT again through the pain and disappointment of losing a friendship that was dear to me at the same time I lost my precious daughter God showed me how strong HE is in my weakness. It is certainly amazing.  This is not said to disparage anyone but to make the point that at times we may tend to put others in God’s place and that isn’t right. It can be very dangerous because others will always let us down. I will be very careful to never do that again. I was the one at fault so I was the one hurt.

I pulled up to Mel’s and ran in and hugged Peri. It was so good to see my dear dear friend and I was so thankful she loved me enough to fly to Dallas. My heart was wrapped in the love and tenderness of my friends . We headed out to Primo’s on the lake for dinner and just to spend time together.  What a blessing to have Mel and Peri , who had been my best friends since childhood. They were there to help me, support me, and to sustain me as I “ buried” my child.

We got back to Mels and I went to sleep anxious about what tomorrow would bring. As the sun came through the blinds in my room at Mels the heart wrenching sobs began again. It was June 11, 2012 the day of my daughter’s funeral.

Today marks one of many 1sts without Alexis.

Last night I had a nightmare. It is really the first bad dream I have had in a VERY long time. In the dream my phone rang and it was a police officer saying "-------------- has been in a car accident. I don't know how they are. All I know is it was very bad" The exact same words said to me the day Alexis died but I didn't know who had wrecked and I knew Alexis was already gone. Panicking I asked ...

him who but his answer wasn't clear, I asked again but we were then disconnected. Quickly I redialed but it would not go through. The fear was overwhelming and I began to cry uncontrollably . At that moment , in my deepest despair with such a sense of forboding , a sweet angelic voice jarred me out of my dream saying "Mimi, Mimi !!! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH " What a blessing she is in my life.

Today will be the first Halloween without Alexis, she loved Halloween so very much. The other important holidays will soon follow: Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter. Those are the ones that stand out , the ones we spent together as a family. So begins a tough leg of our journey. Maybe the sense of forboding in the dream brought to light my feelings on this coming season. But as always GOD intervened and brought joy through my pain:))