Part 2 : God reached down from the Heavens and gently touched my heart

The hometeam I decided to attend was the one the Jensen’s went to, it was made up of a variety of people and quite a few of them had boys the same age as Sammy . The first night I attended I had to make myself go and I really didn’t want to but the words Keith spoke to me about developing relationships kept going through my mind and I made myself walk into the home that night.

I had no intention of being honest ever because I feared rejection and that fear was planted deep in my heart and I really didn’t know how to develop honest relationships because I had been wearing a mask with a plastic smile as far back as I could remember. I was a mess but at least I was a sober mess. That night I decided to just listen and see what this was all about .

All I knew is I needed change but I didn’t know how instigate that because I had so many dysfunctional behaviors ingrained and buried so deep I didn’t recognize them as dysfunctional. That night we started off with worship music and then a man was going to share his testimony because he was going to be doing that at church the next Sunday and this was his practice run. I knew this man from a distance and his life seemed perfect to me. As he began to share what had happened in his life I was shocked !! I would have never guessed he had been through so much. As I left that night I felt a little hope for the first time, that maybe I wasn’t so alone in this world.

 Now I wasn’t ready to share by any means because although he had been through a lot the things I had done were so much worse. I just never thought they would accept me, fear had me trapped.  The next Wed was a gorgeous spring evening and we sat outside in a circle. Many in this group had attended an encounter the weekend before and they were sharing what God had revealed to them. God still seemed like an abstract concept to me, I believed in him somewhat but I still didn’t get it. All I knew is that Kerri and Dan had some power in their life and I knew I wanted that,  well needed it desperately,  but I wanted it on my conditions. I did not want to be honest , there was a power struggle going on within me.

People shared their experience as we went around the circle and it was finally Dan’s turn. With tears in his eyes he shared that he had been having feelings of guilt about not spending more time with Alex and now he was gone. This had been very hard on him and at the encounter God revealed that those feelings of guilt were not from him. As he shared his regrets and the feelings of guilt he had I began to feel very anxious, this was hitting too close to home. From that point forward I don’t remember what he said but I was overcome with memories, the memories that I felt so guilty about for so long.

The guilt that I had tried so desperately to numb with drugs and alcohol. It was as if my life flashed before my eyes: my brother’s suicide, not going to AA with my mother after she begged me, telling mother I hated her and wished she were dead , finding her body the next day, the recurring nightmare of mother and David accusing me of being a killer, my grandfather’s suicide, not being there for my sister when she was dying of cancer after all she had done for me , disappointing my father by being arrested and the public spectacle of it all, picturing my poor children’s face as CPS came and took them from school, the fear in their eyes when I relapsed and continued to lie, getting sent to prison………….

I was bombarded with my life and it was too much, I couldn’t hold it in any longer. It felt as if I was under water and I could not get my breath until I spoke out the truth of who I was or who I thought I was ( a loser, drug addict, excon, murderer, worthless, unlovable…..) because who I thought I was , was a LIE . A LIE I accepted so long ago, July 4 ,1971, when my brother committed suicide and it seemed like my existence didn’t matter anymore. It had a strong hold over me.

After the flood of memories started to slow I felt as if God reached down from the Heavens and gently touched my heart breaking down the walls I had spent a life time building and in that instant I was broken. Sobbing I fell to the ground and just started sharing my life, everything that had happened to me and everything I had done. I really wasn’t aware of what was going on around me but gradually I regained my composure and self control. Slowly I lifted my head expecting judgment and condemnation.

Alexis the gymnast :))

Alexis still makes me laugh, what a gift to still be able to make people laugh in death. Here is a video she made of her tumbling. I guess she did have some fears. She tries to teach her dad how to spot her doing a back handspring because she is scared she will break her neck. She didn't succeed but she did end up doing the standing  flip-flop.  Interesting to note she wasn't scared to do the round off back handsprings just the standing one. This made me smile plus I am learning how to upload videos to my site and have had trouble with her videos . What I  did here was upload her video to my vimeo site then from vimeo to my website. I am quite the computer tech NOT !!! But I'm learning :))

Alexis The Gymnast and Dad the Spotter :)) from Susan DeFace Washington on Vimeo.

New Hope- How I came to know Jesus :)) Part 1

Below is an excerpt of the events that led up to me finding the  Lord. I had been out of prison for about a year and had started working at Dickey's. Here is what  happened :))

We had settled into a routine and our lives were getting easier. Warner was still at Albertson’s and I was working at Dickey’s. The kids were doing well in school and our lives were back on track. It seemed like I could take a deep breath and finally relax a little. My daughter Alexis went to a volleyball camp the summer of 2004 and met a girl named Beth Jensen there. Beth had just moved to Wylie from Plano with her parents and younger brother Alex. They became friends and one day Beth’s mother, Kerri, called and asked if she could pick Alexis up to come over. I was so excited for this relationship but I was still so embarrassed about the trailer I told her that I would bring Alexis to her house. Alexis , Hailey, and I drove over to the Jensen’s and we all went in their house. Kerri was so nice to us and there was just a warm feeling in the home. As Hailey and I left we looked at each other and said “ I like the Jensen’s , they are very nice”. The friendship between the girls grew and then we learned that the Jensen’s son Alex was the exact same age as Sammy and we hoped for them to get together.

Summer turned into fall and it was the beginning of the Wylie Football League for 3rd, 4th , and 5th graders . Sammy loved playing football and was picked for a team called the Patriots . We were happily surprised when Alex Jensen was on the same team. He and Sammy became really good friends after that. In the afternoons they would practice football , go to movies, and hang out. Alex and Beth even invited Sammy and Alexis to their youth group at church; New Hope Christian Church in Wylie. The friendship with this family was very nice but I was very guarded. These were Christians that were very involved in church and I didn’t want them to know that their kids’ new friends’ parents were recovering drug addicts that had been to prison. I was sure they would reject all of us if they knew that. So I kept them at a distance, always being friendly but never letting anyone too close to learn my horrible secrets. It was a wonderful fall of little league football and the Patriot team made it to the Super Bowl. Although they lost it was a fun year cheering on our boys.

Christmas came and the Jensens’ took a family vacation to Colorado to learn to snow ski. I remember Sammy talking to Alex before they left and they made plans to get together when they returned from Colorado. I was working as many hours as possible at Dickey’s and when I came in one night Sammy was sitting on the couch looking sad. I asked him what was wrong and he just looked at me with tears in his eyes. Alarmed I called for Warner who told me he had received a phone call that Alex Jensen had died tragically in a snow skiing accident . He skied into a tree and was declared brain dead the next day. My heart was broken and I was devastated for the family. I just was in shock thinking how could this happen to such wonderful Christians. I wanted to do anything I could to help but did not have a clue what could ease the pain of this tragic loss. As humans we base our expectations on our own experiences so I was so concerned for the family thinking that Dan and Kerri would become alcoholics, neglect Beth, and spiral out of control because that is what happened to my family when my brother died. Although I couldn’t identify with the loss of a child I could identify with loss so I reached out to Kerri and we had coffee.

As we talked I was amazed at her strength, the hope within her, and how she could talk about Alex. (The way I had learned to cope with the loss of a loved one was to pretend they never existed, never say their names or talk about them, so for her to share openly about her son whom she just lost was surreal for me ) Looking at her I said your strength is amazing at this time and I will never forget her looking into my eyes and saying “It is not my strength, my strength comes from the Lord”. .

I  left that day really in awe of the whole situation thinking maybe my family should start going to church. That day a seed was planted in my heart by God through Kerri Jensen. Ultimately it was through Alex Jensen whose death, though so tragic, has brought so many to the Lord including me. Not long after my visit with Kerri God started really moving in my life and looking back there was also a lot of spiritual forces trying to stop this movement and derail me. Alexis , Sammy, and Warner started going to church regularly but Hailey and I both worked at Dickey’s on Sunday mornings so we could not attend. It felt good that my younger kids and husband were going and I didn’t really think I needed to attend. It was also during this same time that my husband relapsed on Meth. He always came home right after work and one night he didn’t. After many hours of waiting , his car finally pulled up to the trailer . When he stepped out of the car and I could see his face I knew. He could never hide his drug use from me because I could tell by the way he set his mouth. I was heart broken and devastated . I didn’t know what to do. He said a girl he worked with offered it to him and he just did a line but he promised never to do it again. Thinking my only choice was to believe him I did but this started a cycle of drug use that I let go on way too long.

 Not long after Warner’s relapse I received a call from him while I was at work. Our oldest daughter Hailey had been caught at school with Xanax and although she was not going to be arrested she was being charged. Warner could not go to the school because he was high on meth so I had to go pick her up. I was so scared for her and my main fear was the cycle of addiction that ran in our family and what to do to stop that.. She was a wreck when I picked her up and kept telling me she wanted to die. Well I was not going to take suicide threats lightly so I took her to Green Oaks to have her admitted and assessed. She stayed for the night and that gave me time to think about what to do. I was just so very scared and didn't know what to do. Feeling hopeless and alone because Warner was on a meth binge I called the pastor of the church. Now remember I had not attended the church yet and really did not know Keith, I told him that my family needed to meet with him that we had a lot going on.

The next week my kids and I went to see Keith Spurgin, the pastor of New Hope Christian Church in Wylie. I will never forget walking into his office (Warner did not go because of his drug use and I didn’t mention that because I was pretending it wasn’t going on and hoping my kids hadn’t realized he was using again. It is so hard and tiring to keep destructive secrets ) and sitting down. He looked at all of us and asked how he could help , I then unloaded and said I needed help with my kids. Hailey was in a lot of trouble because of possession of drugs at school and the other two fought a lot and that we just needed help.

 He looked me in the eye and said “ Susan , we need to take a look at you first, not the kids “ I was almost offended because I really thought I had it together but I was open to listen to him. The kids left his office and he said you have got to get into relationship with people preferably Christians and I see two ways to do this: One start attending a home team or start attending church on Sunday. His advice was to attend a home team because it was a smaller setting and I could really develop relationships with people. Leaving there that day I had made the decision to ask for Wed off to attend a home team. I was very reluctant thinking if the people in the home team really got to know me they would reject me and my kids. So I thought I will attend and just play the part expected of me never having to let them know that I had been to prison, was in recovery, was a felon , etc. I had been playing various roles my whole life and I thought I could pull it off but God had a lot more in store for me.

Nails in the Fence: A Story About Anger

The next time you are tempted to say something hurtful to someone just because you’re angry, you might want to stop and remember this story: it’s a keeper. Read it here.

There once was a little boy who had a bad temper. His father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, he must hammer a nail into the back of the fence.

The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence. Over the next few weeks, as he learned to control his anger, the number of nails hammered daily gradually dwindled down. He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence.

Finally the day came when the boy didn’t lose his temper at all. He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper. The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone.

The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence. He said, “You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same. When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one. You can put a knife in a man and draw it out. It won’t matter how many times you say I’m sorry, the wound is still there.”

The little boy then understood how powerful his words were. He looked up at his father and said “I hope you can forgive me father for the holes I put in you.”

“Of course I can,” said the father.

BUT IF NOT

If this be so, our God whom we serve IS ABLE to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of your hand, O king. BUT IF NOT, be it known to you, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the golden image that you have set up.”

Daniel 3:17-18

I have always loved this story in Daniel and the words BUT IF NOT made a huge impact on me because I understood there a...re times God may choose not to deliver his believers. I always admired the trust, faith, and belief Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego had regardless of their outcome. Their trust was in the Lord !!!

I want be a BUT IF NOT kind of believer like Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego who had a steadfast belief that God could deliver them. Yet even if God did not, they still remained faithful and true to Him, knowing He is their ultimate deliverer. Someone with that kind of faith can’t be defeated because their hope is not in worldly deliverance, but in the ultimate deliverance that Christ will bring when He comes to rule, and sin and death are no more. A "but if not" Christian stands boldly in the face of any circumstance, committed to trusting God's ultimate deliverance, no matter what they are experiencing.

That is the kind of believer I strive to be trusting HIM completely knowing he can deliver me from any circumstance BUT IF NOT trusting HIS perfect planThat is the kind of believer I strive to be trusting HIM completely knowing he can deliver me from any circumstance BUT IF NOT trusting HIS perfect plan. That is the kind of believer I strive to be trusting HIM completely knowing he can deliver me from any circumstance BUT IF NOT trusting HIS perfect plan.