Seemingly Random Moments Orchestrated By God :))

Seemingly random moments you know were orchestrated by God are the best. I just had one : )) We are building a home for a French couple from Canada. I love this couple and I love to hear them talk, they will begin conversations in English then without warning will begin to speak French and it always catches me by surprise and takes me a moment to realize I don’t understand what they are saying anymore because I am mesmerized by  the lilt in their voices   : )). They have mainly worked with Jeff so I haven’t really gotten to know them personally. That changed today as we began to talk.  Somehow we began to talk about our families and they have been deeply saddened because their son went back to Canada to finish school. They miss him very much and I am not sure of the details to why he left the states but he is 16 and going to live with family. After they shared about their 16 year old and other 2 children they asked me about my family and they remembered I had a granddaughter that I took to the State Fair in October. So I began to share and somehow felt led to share my whole story: The tragic losses as a child, the very poor choices as an adult that led to prison and then the death of Alex Jensen which ultimately led me to the Lord.  As I shared about Alex Jensen’s tragic death  I told them how I observed his parents stand strong in the Lord in the midst of their grief and how that was the tipping point in my life causing the  walls around my heart to come tumbling down as I stepped into the arms of the Lord. Tears filled the man’s eyes and  he told me he had a lump in his throat but he asked me to go on. I then shared about God’s redemption and restoration and then of course I shared about the death of Alexis . I shared that she was working hard to get her life on track as a young mother and was succeeding after making some poor choices that caused her legal trouble. It was a moment of connection with a couple on a deep level and I don’t know why but I could feel God pulling us together through Alexis, that was the key today . I could tell they needed to hear my story and for some reason and maybe more importantly Alexis’ story so I continued as I felt prompted by the Holy Spirit.   It was a moment that led into an hour and we weren’t interrupted once !! No one came in the model, Jeff was showing homes on the property,   and the couple’s two other children sat quietly in the other room. It was a time orchestrated by God I know.  I told them when you have God in your life there is always hope . I shared there are moments when I am still in shock that one of my babies  has died and when I feel that despair HE swoops in and comforts me without fail. It was an amazing hour. At that point they both had tears in their eyes and they told me they appreciated me sharing this painful part of my life.   I thanked them for listening because  I told them by sharing my pain God brings forth healing. I gave them a DVD and my information card asking them to check out my website .  They were so appreciative and said they wanted to buy my book. They then both looked at me and told me this encounter had changed their perspective that although their son was far away he was a phone call or a plane ride away. They also told me they were about to go hug their two other boys a little tighter and be sure to let them know that they love them unconditionally because you just never know what might happen.  I thanked them again for listening . We are now personal friends and I am very thankful God used me as an instrument.  That is all it was, I was his instrument and he spoke through me reaching them in places that I don’t understand.  I gave them all my details but I still don’t know much about them and that is okay, I don’t need to worry about that God has it all under control. I am just glad he used me. There is always that moment when I fear  rejection and judgment when I am about to  share that I am a felon and was convicted of manufacturing methamphetamine but I always remember I need  to worry more about what God thinks about me than what man thinks. That always gives me the courage to take that leap of faith. As we said our goodbyes and wished each other Happy New Year they looked at me shaking their heads and said you never know someone’s story.  They said in a million years they would have never thought I had been to prison. That made me really smile because each day I try really hard not to look like an ex-con : ))

And as I think about Alexis and the rose dedicated in her honor which will be placed on the Donate Life Rose Parade Float I can’t help but think how multi-faceted her gift is :  Her story is also a gift that is bringing hope and life to those who are dying. I had a twenty year old send me a private message recently letting me know that because of Alexis and what he witnessed after her death his faith has been renewed and he is going to now follow God. She is now one of God’s shining stars : )))    That is balm to my hurting heart and soul.

Photographs from the scene of the accident

As you know this has been a very emotional season for me. One thing the Lord spoke to me this morning was that Alexis’ death was so sudden and unexpected it was a complete and utter shock. That is a first for me. Although mother died young I expected her death, I prepared myself for it starting in 10^th grade. I knew she was slowly killing herself with a bottle and I knew I would find her. I just wasn’t sure when so in a morbid kind of way I thought of her impending death for two years. I always thought I would run from the house screaming but I didn’t I just turned from the room stoically, walked down the hall, and called for help then waited . Although Kathey died young it was expected because of her illness as well as my father's death. And I’m sure David’s death was a lot like Alexis’ for my parents and sister, I was just too young to understand it all back then. All I recall is the tragic chain of events that occurred after David was gone.

Alexis’s death was tragic, shocking, and unexpected. I have been and still am to some extent in shock. That is what God revealed to me . Grieving my father’s death was so much easier,  so in a way I have been unprepared for this overwhelming grief as but I don’t think you can ever prepare yourself for grieving the tragic death of your child.

Last night as I was driving home from work I headed down  Parker Rd. as I always do.   As I came into Wylie I heard the sounds of sirens then saw the red and blue lights flashing from the ambulance speeding down the winding road of Parker. I immediately prayed for the person in that ambulance and as always I thought back to June 7 and wondered if Alexis  rode in an ambulance  like the one I saw with the lights and sirens blaring. I assume that happened but I just don’t know. There are many things I don’t know about the scene of the accident that I have wondered about.

Earlier in the week I contacted the DPS Trooper who was assigned to Alexis’ accident. I knew there were photographs taken from the scene and after much consideration I have decided I need to see them. I know many people will disagree but it is something I need to do. There are not photos of Alexis she had already been transported, the trooper  told me that. I felt a little funny asking him but he said that my request was not uncommon at all,  that many grieving loved ones in my shoes want to see the photographs. He was so very kind to me and I remembered meeting him at the hospital. I really didn’t think he would remember me because  I am sure he works a lot of accidents but he told me he did. He told me what he remembered most was me asking about the other driver and asking the Troopers to let him know I was praying for him. He said that touched his heart which in turn touched my heart.  I made this call on Monday  requesting  a copy of the photos.  He told me he needed to talk to his sergeant to see the protocol for this request and he said he would call me back. I heard back from him on Friday and he let me know if I want a copy of them I need to do an open records request and bring it to the McKinney office and that is what I am going to do.

Honestly I don’t know why I need to do this but I do. Maybe it is because I grew up in a home where we never faced anything we shrunk back from the truth so everything was a façade. I know I am strong and can handle it. So many people told me not to go see the car and I ignored them and went without telling anyone I was going. I had to face it and I did and it didn’t kill me. Honestly after seeing the car I experienced God at a much deeper level.  So next week time permitting I will go to that office and get photos from the scene. I will look at them then put them away and I believe I will heal a little more and have another piece to this puzzle and with that I will feel a little stronger. As I said it is something I need to do.

A Look Back at an Incredible Year

Wow!!!  I can’t believe it has been a year since I started my website and began to blog. So much has happened this year. There have been many highs and many lows. The reaction to my website was so very positive and as word spread publicity followed which was such a blessing.  Remember my goal with this ministry is to reach the hurting and hopeless through my site, speaking, and eventually through my book From Pompons to Prison. Let me take you on a year in review :))

After I announced my website on Facebook so many of my friends offered encouragement and support. That was such a blessing.  As I said on Facebook yesterday and later reposted my first blog was an excerpt from my book about my 17^th birthday then I began to blog as I felt led.  Now I have written 130 blogs for the year, well this makes 131.  Wow!! I didn’t realize that I had written so many.

In January my good friend Kristi Smith wrote an article about my story for the Dallas Morning News which seemed to have a snow ball effect. After Kristie’s article The Wylie News did a story, then Neighbors Go, Heartbeat Magazine, and The Skyline Tribune shared my hopes, dreams, and  my heart.

As a result of my website I was asked to be interviewed on Renewal Radio by Dr. Gene Getz and was a guest on his program. That was very powerful because for the first time I heard my story in someone else’s voice and a different perspective.  It was a very emotional experience.

 As winter turned to spring more opportunities presented themselves as a result of my website with the most prevalent   being asked to speak to different groups, churches, schools, rehabs, and classes.  Because of this my speaking career took off with the highlight of the year being hired to be the keynote speaker for the First Baptist Church in Carrollton’s annual Women’s Ministry luncheon in August.  This event was planned for months in advanced and I was so honored they selected me.  Between 400 and 500 women attend this function each year.

It was also during the spring that I learned The Michael Snell Literary Agency was interested in representing me and my book: From Pompons to Prison. This was incredible news and I began to work on my book proposal.

Throughout all of this time I still pursued my one on one ministry and even was flown to Colorado to share my hope with a young girl. God seemed to be using me and I was so thankful

In May at the suggestion of my pastor I put a team of people together to help me with my ministry. We started praying and laying a strong spiritual foundation for my dreams to grow from. I was also blessed in May when I was asked to share my story with my home church on July 15 which would be my sobriety date. This would be by far the largest crowd I ever spoke to.   God just kept opening doors for me to share and my excitement grew.

THEN on June 7 the unthinkable happened when I received that life altering call telling me my 20 year old daughter Alexis Rose Washington had died in a car accident. My world was turned upside down by this tragedy but as HE always does God brought good from it. That good was seen at the celebration of her life when 600 people packed into New Hope with standing room only and 200 gave their hearts to God in an amazing service.  God just keeps revealing the good at times unexpected. I love him and trust more than ever and I feel HIS love every day!!

 So now my journey has taken a different road, a road that I didn’t plan to travel but it is my path nonetheless. I am still early in the grief process trying to come to grips with this tragic loss and my book was put on the back burner momentarily. I went from being an empty nester pursing a new exciting career to raising a little four year old angel. At times my head is still spinning but I know this is my purpose now : To adopt Riley, pursue my dream, and finish my book. I will never forget enrolling her in school and the realization hit that this is Pre-K and we have 13 more years to go. At times I am overwhelmed but God is watching over us every moment and I will embrace this new life while missing my Rosebud. Taking the best care of the little girl she loved so much. I just need to find balance and then I can achieve all the dreams God has placed in my heart.

Recently God has renewed my desire to reach out to others and I have begun to re-engage in one on one ministry. To be honest I think that is when I feel the presence of the Lord and operating in my sweet spot : when I am sitting with someone at a  hospital as they detox ,  ministering to someone in  jail, visiting an inmate in prison, or writing a letter letting another person know there is always hope basically  just letting them know someone cares.  After Alexis died my ministry in that area died as well.  I quit writing inmates and visiting those in jail and prison. I just didn’t have it in me at the time.  I did contact the families to let them know I wouldn’t be writing for awhile because I didn’t want them to feel  I didn’t care  but honestly I just wasn’t up to it, my heart was broken into pieces.  But slowly my strength and desire has returned.  I started reengaging by writing letters to prison inmates and to some in county jails waiting to go to prison.  A couple of weeks ago I visited a girl in the hospital who was struggling with addiction, sharing my hope.  Last night I visited a young girl in jail and I have made some plans to visit some inmates in prison.  There are times I don’t know if I am making a difference because sometimes I don’t see any fruit from it. I write letters and they don’t write back but I continue to write praying a seed of hope is being planted.  Still there are times I feel as if I have failed in a way. As I was feeling down God blessed me through a devotional and reminded me I am just the deliverer that HE is the giver.  He showed me I am his instrument. The instrument doesn't play its own music; someone plays music through the instrument. He works through me; HE is working through anyone who will let him. That realization takes the pressure off, I just need to show up and let HIM use me. It is quite humbling as well because it has nothing to do with me if I don’t do it God will use someone else but I want God to know I am always available and will always say “Here I am , send me” as young Isaiah did. And of course I was further blessed this past Sunday when a young adult told me after hearing my testimony she got clean off meth and now has two years clean. That is some awesome fruit that God let me see!! I am still on fire from that and excited about my future. Please sign my guest book and explore my website.

As for the book the proposal should be finished by the end of this week and mailed to Michael Snell and then we will see. There are times I feel stressed and want to rush this because I don’t’ want my dream to die but recently I have felt peace knowing it will happen in God’s time and that he has great plans for me . My life is good and I am so blessed to be who and where I am today: ))

Of course all of  this has been chronicled in the 131 blogs, I still can’t believe I wrote that many : ))

What a year it has been looking forward to what 2013 holds for all of us.  Have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.  THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART FOR ALL THE ENCOURAGEMNET AND SUPPORT YOU HAVE GIVEN ME DURING MY TRIALS AS WELL AS MY VICTORIES.  As I thought of the many photos from the past year I think these two capture the look back the most: One of me stepping out into my mission field as I pray before speaking at a church and the other of a little princess whom I will now be  raising standing at the cross honoring her momma. These two photos sum up my year without any words.

Praying before speaking. The sign to my left and roses say so much.

Riley admiring her beloved Momma's cross while embracing her baby doll Ashley . A priceless photo

Lessons from my Father

Me and Daddy about a month before he died

Daddy in the Navy

Today marks two years since my Daddy died . I know he is safe in the arms of our Lord and Savior and for that I am eternally grateful. As I was reflecting on his life and death this morning I thought of the lessons I have learned from him. It is much easier to learn from someone else’s mistakes than from your own. Here is what I have learned.

1. You can’t stop life after something painful happens and you can’t pretend it didn’t happen.
2. Building up walls to protect you from the pain of life keeps out the joy as well.
3. Our words can build up or tear down.
4. Be careful with sarcastic humor because at times it can cut like a knife whether you intend it to or not
5. Money and material things will not make you happy, it may make things easier but it will not make you happy.
6. A functional alcoholic is still an alcoholic. This is a progressive disease and progresses at different rates for different people.
7. God can restore any relationship.
8. With the power of God you can forgive anyone for anything.
9. People who appear strong and larger than life may be putting on a show to hide their weakness. In my experience that has been the case many times.
10. Hug your kids and tell them you love them and are proud of them often. And mean it!!  Focus on the positive things they do not the negative.

 Daddy on the left : We are on vacation in Red River

Daddy when he was a little older on vacation somewhere

I thank God for my daddy and I loved him with all my heart .  I am so thankful for the restoration God brought to our relationship. Although there had been so much pain and dysfunction his amazing intelligence and wit never escaped me. At his funeral numerous people told me he was the smartest and funniest man they had ever met.  I will never forget going to the funeral home to pick up my father’s ashes and driving to Grove Hill to have his funeral.

It was surreal driving with the now familiar blue box crematories store ashes in.  I had his service at my mother and brother’s burial sites. It was a beautiful crisp  day in December, December 18^th to be exact , a day before my 50^th birthday. God blessed me that day and I have included the video  of me speaking at his service. As I describe leading him to the Lord and that he is now reunited with my mother, sister, and brother a gentle breeze began to blow and you can hear the sound of beautiful chimes coming straight from heaven I’m sure. : ))

Below is the video if you don't want to watch the whole thing go to approximately 3:30 and that is when I begin to share about leading him to the Lord and the angels sing, well not sing but play their chimes :))

Daddy's Service 2 from Susan DeFace Washington on Vimeo.

It has now been six months:(

— with Alexis Rose Washington.

Alexis and Riley :) Christmas Day 2008Today marks six months since Alexis died. My feelings are all over the place and I think they are affected by a number of factors: first it is the holidays and all that entails, second the anniversary of my father’s death is approaching soon, he died on 12/13/10, and of course the death of Alexis. It just dawned on me that I experienced two MAJOR MAJOR losses in a year and a half, no wonder I feel sad right now . WOW !! But I am trying to not cave into sadness and focus on all the good things. As I said in a post earlier this week that is easier said than done. THANK YOU FRIENDS FOR TRAVELING THIS PAINFUL JOURNEY WITH ME AND SUPPORTING ME ALONG THE WAY. I MEAN THAT FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART. NOW TO SHARE MY MANY BLESSINGS. One of the greatest joys I have through this tragedy is of course our Riley Roo, she blesses me every day. This morning as Riley and I were getting ready she was excitedly telling me how they were going to make gingerbread men at school today. As she told me this I began to sing , off key I’m sure, “Run, run as fast as you can , you can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.” Riley’s beautiful blue eyes got very large with excitement and she asked me how I knew that song. I just smiled : )) I just love that I can impress someone with my knowledge of nursery rhymes and children’s songs : )) Then Riley got really serious and said “Mommy the gingerbread man is pretend right ? Like a fairy tale?” I just nodded and got a little nervous not sure where this pretend stuff was leading. She sighed with relief and said good because she didn’t want her gingerbread man to run away as fast as he could : )) That brought a huge smile to my face as I assured her that her gingerbread man wouldn’t be going anywhere!! Then I got another God Wink through my dear friend Linda who I taught with in Amarillo and who was pregnant at the same time I was pregnant with Alexis. We shared our pregnancies. She was scrolling through the news feed and saw Alexis’ certificate for being a donor then a little further down she came across Tabitha’s Wish. She clicked it to read and this was the photo on the page. WOW!!! I don’t think it is a coincidence that there is an owl in this photo . I just love God Winks !! The photo of this is on my page. As I thought of the anniversary of my daddy’s death , and I always called him daddy even though the relationship was so messed up, I thought about leading him to the Lord on Oct. 9, 2010. I am so very thankful God gave me the courage to do that. It was one of my most important assignments of my life I believe and I thank God every day that I completed it. Then I thought of when he passed. He had aspirated on something while eating at the nursing home and was taken to the hospital. He had a DNR and from the X-ray it showed there was something lodged in his lungs so nothing could be done, the doctors told me it was just a matter of time before he would pass. Melanie, one of my BFF’s, met me at the hospital so I would not be alone AND brought me Starbucks which was and is so very important for my grief process : )) After she left I sat in the room with him and recited Psalm 23 and Psalm 91 over and over until I fell asleep in the chair leaning onto his bed. At about 1:30 in the morning I was awakened by a dream of my mother, it was so strange to dream of her. I sat up quickly remembering where I was and I looked at my dad’s oxygen levels which had dropped dramatically. He took his last breath within 5 minutes. I think God had my momma wake me up so I could say goodbye to my daddy. I JUST LOVE GOD SO MUCH. That was so special because he was the last of my immediate family. I sat with him awhile then I left and drove home to Wylie and crawled into my bed and cried. I cried for my daddy and all the things he missed out on in his life because he wouldn’t let himself feel after David died. But God spoke to me in that moment reminding me of some powerful words from Steve Farrar “it doesn't matter if you've had a great start in the Christian life, or a rough one. It doesn't matter if you've stumbled time and again, or even fallen flat on your face. What matters most in this all-important race of life is how you finish” HE reminded me that my dad finished his race by making Jesus his Lord and Savior and that is all that really matters now that he is gone. I then drifted off into a peaceful sleep. So from all of this I know God is telling me Alexis and my dad are safe with him. How awesome that he is reminding me of all my blessings even when I doubt. Feeling so much better because I am now focusing on God and not my loss. On this 6 month anniversary I want to share my FAVORITE photo of Alexis and Riley. What beautiful eyes they both have. Sadly I learned this week that they could not use Alexis’ cornea’s because so much glass was imbedded in them but that is okay He told me she helped so many and made a huge donation with her gift. Of course as with my monthly tradition I will later share her video. Feeling HIS presence as if HE is cradling me in HIS arms, it is beautiful .See More