Please SLOW DOWN - It may save your life !!!

*** Warning **** Some pictures are graphic and may be disturbing .

 Owl from Riley on my rearview mirror. It always reminds me to slow down

Last night I watched Erin Brockovich which was another one of Alexis’ favorites when she was younger. She liked older movies: Practical Magic, Cast Away, Erin Brockovich, and  Where the Heart Is? As I watched it I just thought of her and how she told me when she got older she wanted to help people like Erin Brockovich did or she always said she wanted to be like the mom on  “Judging Amy”  which was a CPS worker. These were sweet memories of her. Later I was scrolling thorugh Facebook and I read a sad story about a mother and daughter killed by a drunk driver , seeing the aftermath of the wreck  and the mangled cars made an impact as the ending of the story begged “Don’t drink and drive” .

My greatest hope has been for good to come from Alexis’ death both spiritually and practically so I want to share some things and beg you to slow down. Slow down in every area of your life. Like the old saying or song says “Slow down and smell the roses” How appropriate for my Alexis Rose.

Speed was a major factor in her death. The fact that it was raining and the roads were slick contributed as well. The Bible is God’s  Living Word and I believe it with my whole heart and soul so I know that before time began HE knew she would die that day (Psalm 139 : 16 You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out  before a single day had passed.)  But HE didn’t want that , HIS  heart breaks as ours does when we lose a loved one tragically but we live in a fallen world and bad stuff happens as a result of that but we can  AND SHOULD learn from the bad things that happen just like we learn from the Bible (Romans 15:4  Such things were written in the Scriptures long ago to teach us. And the Scriptures give us hope and encouragement as we wait patiently for God's promises to be fulfilled.).

So what I have learned is to slow down and appreciate the things that really matter trying not to get caught up in the stuff that doesn’t . And not only to slow down figuratively but to literally slow down, now if I am late I am late. When I start to panic because I am running behind and put my pedal to the metal these pictures come to my mind and I immediately slow down.

 

Not only do I picture the mangled car but I see  her shoe, her phone, her purse, and her GPS that guided her everywhere because she was so directionally challenged.

 And I think of those who depend on me now so I slow down because I don’t want to take a chance that isn’t worth it. That is what I have learned from Alexis Rose Washington’s death and I hope you will too. Please slow down you aren’t invincible. I remember someone writing after Alexis died “ This shouldn’t happen to you . You were so strong and overcame everything. You were Alexis (____fill inthe blank ____) Washington” But it did happen to her , she was not invincible and her life was gone in a flash, in a second. One second she was here the next gone . PLEASE SLOW DOWN  IT COULD SAVE YOUR LIFE!!!!!

Diamonds in the Rough

This is my wedding ring. I got this ring after I got out of prison. To be honest I don’t know what happened to my original wedding ring.  It  really doesn’t surprise me because my drug addiction robbed me of  most  all my possessions.  When I got out of prison I had some clothes left but everything else was gone. It was really quite sad because most everything I owned and mementos from my childhood were at my father’s house and  that was foreclosed upon when he was in the hospital.  EVERYTHING was taken, most of it was stolen. He was in the hospital and I was locked up when his house was emptied and there was nothing I could do about it but accept it and move forward.

A year or so after I got out of prison my husband bought me this ring, I picked it out. There were two things that I liked about it : it reminded me of my mother /grandmother’s wedding ring that disappeared with everything else and  the fact that this ring had five diamonds. In my mind the five diamonds represented Warner, Hailey, Alexis, Sammy, and I. We had all been under enormous pressure much like a diamond.   A diamond is just carbon (essentially the same thing as charcoal) in a very concentrated form. Yet, when mined, cut, and polished, it becomes the most precious gemstone in the world. As we try to imagine the extreme temperature and pressure under which diamonds are formed, it brings to mind the fiery trials which children of God must undergo to develop true godly character.  1 Peter 1:6-7 describes the beautiful outcome of being tested by God’s fire:  “In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while, if need be, you have been grieved by various trials, that the genuineness of your faith, being much more precious than gold that perishes, though it is tested by fire, may be found to praise, honor, and glory at the revelation of Jesus Christ.”

 The conditions of high pressure and temperature way beneath the Earth’s crust must be ideal for carbon to form into diamond. Slightly less than this, we end up with graphite (a soft black mineral) instead of the extremely hard, clear crystal we know as a  diamond. That’s why we have to be willing to endure the pain of trials and godly discipline if we want God’s character to be perfected in us. James puts it this way:  “My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing” (Jas. 1:2-4).

We had all made it through a very difficult trial and we were reunited as a family. In my mind that ring represented that. We had made it, we were strong.  I didn’t really know God then but I knew we all had been tested , refined, strengthened, and polished during those difficult times.

I wore the ring with love but things got harder , disappointments set in, promises were broken, and more pain came our way  but still we were standing strong with our face against the wind determined to put one foot in front of the other.

Last spring I looked down at my wedding ring and noticed one of the diamonds were missing so I took it off and put it away , not really sure what I would do or where my life was going. My kids were grown and  beginning to make it on their own. My marriage was struggling to say the least, the ring sat in my pink Betsy Johnson watch box  and I forgot about it until last night when Riley wanted to use that pink box to put her owl stamps in. I took the ring out of the box and looked at it remembering the meaning I had attached to the 5 diamonds but now there were only four. One is gone , much like Alexis, and there is a hole where it used to be as there is a hole in our hearts for Alexis.  I decided to wear my ring again . There are four perfectly good diamonds and even if it looks a little funny it doesn’t matter. That ring is a symbol of a commitment and I am committed to my family , I am all in.  Maybe one day  I will find another diamond that will fit in my ring but it doesn’t really matter because nothing could ever replace the original diamond ,now gone, I will just be extra careful with the remaining diamonds. They are all precious to me.

A dear friend of mine wrote this to me the day Alexis died which tied all of this together :

Susan as your life has been that of a diamond. A million pounds of pressure for a million years to make a diamond and you surly are one. My heart goes out to you. You truly have strength and heart. You are far more than the little girl next door that I remember.

Time- Past, Present,Future: Today is the Tomorrow we worried about Yesterday.

One thing that is so difficult for me is referring to Alexis in the past tense, there are times I struggle with how I say things : I have three kids or I had three kids but now I have two, I have a brother and sister or I had a brother and sister. I just stumble and always have but it is a lot more emotional where Alexis is concerned. There is such a heaviness right now because Sammy just turned 20 and he and Alexis would have both been 20 for 17 days then she would have  turned  21 :  but now she will always be 20, forever young. There is no present or future for her on this earth.  The rest of us will grow older. Not sure why this bothers me so because it didn’t after the rest of my family passed away. Although I did think of  the concept of time  where my mother was concerned especially  when I had spent more time on this earth without my mother than with her.  So with that being said  I believe one thing I will love about Heaven is that there will be no tenses ( past , present , future ) anymore especially past (at least I think so ). I don't think there will be Today, Tomorrow, or Yesterday.  The Lord does not count time as we do. He is above and outside of the sphere of time. God sees all of eternity’s past and eternity’s future. The time that passes on earth is of no consequence from God’s timeless perspective. A second is no different from an eon; a billion years pass like seconds to the eternal God. Because of our finite minds, we can only grasp the concept of God’s timeless in part. And in so doing, we describe Him as a God without a beginning or end, eternal, infinite, everlasting, etc. Psalm 90:2 declares, “From everlasting to everlasting You are God”. He always was and always will be.

2 Peter 3:8

8 But do not overlook this one fact, beloved, that with the Lord one day is as a thousand years, and ta thousand years as one day.

Psalm 90:

4  For a thousand years in your sight are but as  yesterday when it is past, or as a watch in the night.

It is comforting to know that in Heaven my relationships with my family will not be affected by our earthly relationship with time. When we are all reunited it will seem like only a blink of an eye has passed and there will be no  past tense because we will be together with all our loved ones again : ))) The Bible tells me so J

1 Thessalonians

15-18 And then this: We can tell you with complete confidence—we have the Master’s word on it—that when the Master comes again to get us, those of us who are still alive will not get a jump on the dead and leave them behind. In actual fact, they’ll be ahead of us. The Master himself will give the command. Archangel thunder! God’s trumpet blast! He’ll come down from heaven and the dead in Christ will rise—they’ll go first. Then the rest of us who are still alive at the time will be caught up with them into the clouds to meet the Master. Oh, we’ll be walking on air! And then there will be one huge family reunion with the Master. So reassure one another with these words.

It was a GREAT Day but I received some disappointing news: My book was rejected by the agent.

Today I have received a lot of news the most important being the recommendation and approval for out adoption of Riley. Right after I got that email I received news from the agent who expressed interest in representing my book.  Because of the spiritual aspect he didn’t think my story would be a good fit for his agency. This was disappointing but GOD is the most important part of my story so I will not compromise on that. There is a place for my book, I  just know it. My friend Emily already has a game plan and is printing off proposals to mail to different publishers.  Good news is we have a great proposal so we will see what happens. Although I was sad it was really okay, my first thought was God is in control and my book is going to be published , I just don’t know how  or when that is going to happen yet.

After that I pulled out the letters written to me from Kim’s class and re read them. I want to share one that truly touched my heart.  As I read them I remembered what my passion truly is : to touch one life at a time by being the hands and feet of Jesus whether it is standing in a classroom, sitting across a glass partition at a jail, speaking to a large group, speaking to a small group, one on one discipleship,  or writing to someone in prison.  It is in those instances I feel I am operating in my sweet spot. So this has been an incredible week where my ministry is concerned:  I heard from my friend in prison, I got these incredible letters from students I shared with,  I was asked to share my story with the 3:16 group from Bryan Adams, a sweet girl from church let me know my testimony changed her life,  I get to go speak at the prison I did time in on Friday and Saturday, and despite who I used to be today I am seen as a fit and  loving mother. !!! That is pretty amazing. So I will count my many blessings and trust God and HIS timing. He is in control and I am still pumped up about FROM POMPONS TO PRISON TO PUMPS. It is going to happen. Here is one letter that captures them all. God knew I was going to experience rejection today so HE made sure I was surrounded by a lot of love and acceptance. HE made sure I felt Jesus right beside me.

Dear Mrs. Washington,

Thank you SO MUCH for coming and speaking in my class. It meant so much to me to hear your story even though you made me cry. But, I also laughed! I can’t even find the words to tell you how important it was for me to hear your story. For the rest of the day, after that class, every person I talked to, I told your story. It’s full of failures and triumphs and heartbreak and also what I think is a happy ending. Not many people are able to walk with God and stay strong after tragedy and you are a prime example of someone who could. I was amazed to see how the situations your encounter in life really transform and define a person. Lots of kids my age face bullying and judgment, including myself. I had always told myself to not let anyone see you cry, just hide it and be strong. Now I know that you can stay strong but that doesn’t mean you had to hide what’s on the inside.  Sometimes talking about what you have been through can help you a lot. All my thoughts are jumbled up in my head and I don’t even know in what order to thank you !! I will most certainly check out your website and I’m counting the seconds until your book comes out because I want to share it with everyone. The woman that you talked to on the phone will never know how big of an impact she had on your life.  Luckily, I get to share my feelings with you and say thank you. I really hope we can meet again. 

Thank you,

XXXXXXXXX

This says it all , this is what it is all about ! Hopefully my book will happen because I do think it could help many but until then I will just keep reaching out  in every way the Lord leads me,  planting hope in one life at a time.  Sharing the hope that was giving to meJ

A Trip Down Memory Lane on Parker Rd.- A Road Much Traveled.

This morning I took Riley to get donuts. I went to the Donut Shop on Parker and Country Club because last time they had pink gingerbread man donuts and lady bug donuts which Riley loved. Sadly  today they didn’t have the special donuts, they only make those on weekends but they did have pink sprinkles so she wasn’t too disappointed.

After I left I drove by our old trailer which is very close to that little strip center. As I parked in front of the trailer which sets far off the street I thought back to when we lived there.

That was where we moved when I got out of prison, it was the first time we had all been together – Warner, Hailey, Alexis, Sammy, and I – in about two years. It was the middle of June and I was acclimating to the “free world”  which was a term used a lot in prison. As you can see this trailer wasn’t much there wasn’t even a driveway.  There was a gravel road off of Parker that led to the house. But it was our home and it was so much nicer than prison. It was air conditioned for one !!!! As I think back on this time we had so much hope even though the circumstances were somewhat rough. I was on a leg monitor and could not leave the trailer for ANY reason unless it was for a job interview, an AA or NA meeting, or church. Any of those plans HAD to be scheduled two weeks in advance. It was difficult to make plans  because Warner was working at Albertson’s and my license was suspended so basically I stayed in that trailer day in and day out for the next three-four months . The kids did the Wylie Wave that summer . Even though the leg monitor was a pain and not very pretty ( I had visions of a cute little   bracelet  for the ankle when  I learned I had to wear the monitor and was somewhat surprised by how big and bulky it was) but STILL it was better than prison – no pigs to slop , no strip searches, and of course AC in the heat of the Texas summer.  It was a time of rebuilding the broken relationships with the kids . I had hurt them terribly when I relapsed and got arrested. They didn’t trust me. It hurt so badly to see that lack of trust in their eyes. All  I wanted was to restore those relationships again and do my best to not let them down. We spent a lot of time playing games and just doing life together.

I remember Alexis and Sammy would tumble in the yard in front of trailer and I would try to tell them how to do back handsprings, back flips, etc from the front door.  Since I went to see my parole officer every two weeks I would have a little time so I could spot them on the tumbling stunts they wanted to learn. They both did great and doing round off back handsprings across the lawn. I literally could not step onto the “porch” or the monitor would alert the state that I had left. One time Alexis got hurt and was crying and I ran out  standing right by the front door as Hailey went to help her in, within seconds I got a call asking why I left. I tried to explain but there was no mercy so I never ventured out again without permission.

Those were my  nostalgic thoughts as I looked at the little trailer, in the summer of 2003 I never thought I would think of those times so fondly and I never thought I would be reminiscing about a child who died so young.  It was really a simple time when the kids were younger and life seemed somewhat easy.  As I pulled away and stopped at the stop sign I remember Alexis getting off the school bus one time . As she looked back to wave to her friends she ran into a pole. I’ll never forget her running in the front door breathlessly laughing at herself. She was somewhat embarrassed but she laughed.  I always loved that she could laugh at herself. Then I turned onto Parker Rd to drive home passing the cross where she died a few miles down the road. It has just been a day of traveling down memory lane  as I prepare for tomorrow  and the home study.  God  is in control and my trust is in HIM. I have prepared to the best of my ability so I will LET GO  and LET GOD. It was a fun trip back in time,  if I have learned anything  my life has taken a lot of unexpected twists and turns and many of these have been a result of my choices both good and bad. There are always consequences to our choices both good and bad.