The Mountaintop through the Clouds

You know I have been in a lot of thought lately about God’s plan for my life.  Just last year HE clearly showed me what my mission was and HE has confirmed it repeatedly:  I am to be a speaker sharing my story  and write my book. When HE showed me the sign in the photo where I am praying it was an amazing encounter with HIM.

 

That day I had cried out to God after seeing two homeless men who were hungry, thirsty, and broken asking HIM if me being a speaker and writing a book was enough when there is such pain in the world. I felt so very selfish but when I got home HE showed me the picture where the sign says “You are now entering your mission field” I was blown away.  In reality it was my mountaintop experience.  There is no doubt in my mind that I heard this from HIM and before June 7^th I would have screamed it from the mountaintops but then Alexis died. This turned my world upside down and was so sudden and unexpected. I have tried to cling to what I heard from HIM and not doubt HIS plan but I do because so many unexpected things happened that weren’t in MY plan.  And with that sentence I see my problem: My Plan compared to God’s Plan. God is and has been clear on my mission and what I am to do. What is unclear is the way this is going to happen. Life is a journey and what the Lord hasn’t shown me is the road that will get me to the top of my mountain so to speak.

As I was thinking of this I remembered when I traveled to Colorado last year at this time and looked out at the beautiful mountains. On one cloudy day I could see the mountain tops through the clouds but you couldn’t see how you could get up to the top of the mountain.  And I think that is how God works in our lives. He graciously gives us these experiences so we are able to navigate the many valleys in our lives, not so we can stay on the mountain. He gives us the vision or dream but we have to trust HIM on HIS timing and the way he will lead us up our mountain so we can achieve HIS and therefore our dream.

It was really a beautiful picture in my mind.

This photo represents what HE showed me: ))

 

A trip back to Dallas County Jail: surprisingly my toughest audience yet !

Today was my first time to speak at a county jail.  I spoke to two groups and it was so different than speaking in a prison. It seemed as if these girls had such attitude. I could feel it as they walked in the room and sat down. It makes sense though, many of them had just been arrested and they had not been locked up very long. As I looked at them I thought of those first weeks I had in county when I just knew I would get out soon thinking I didn’t really have a problem. I was never one to have an attitude like some of these girls did but I remember feeling it wasn’t fair that I was there, that law enforcement needed to focus on the criminals who were hurting others. I was so blind just like many of these girls. I did my regular ice breaker which is an optical illusion and it fell flat. Many of them seemed as if they could care less, the looks on their faces seemed to say “what can this middle aged woman have in common with me?”    As I began to tell my story they didn’t even laugh at my jokes which usually go over well. Feeling discouraged I took a deep breath and prayed for God to show up big time because this was not going well.  But I continued on knowing that if my story even touched one girl it would be worth it. Hearts were softened when I shared about my mother’s death then tears were shed when I shared about Kathey dying. Many nodded their head with understanding as I described my spiral into drug addiction, CPS taking my children, and those thoughts of suicide when I couldn’t see a way out of the mess I had gotten myself into. There were looks of shock and fear as I told about the crimes committed by the women I shared a dorm with at my unit in prison (Hilltop) and my days of slopping pigs.  By this point hearts seemed opened and the temperature in the room had warmed up drastically. They didn’t look at me with contempt and suspicion anymore. They cheered when I shared about my Dickey’s job, my teaching certificate being reinstated,  and the dream God has placed in my heart to become a speaker and write a book.  They thought I was done. They said “good job” but of course I wasn’t finished.  It always takes me a minute to tell about the death of Alexis. I have to pause so I don’t lose control. They could sense it and looked at me with dreaded anticipation and they were broken when they learned I lost my daughter. In that moment it seemed as if God opened the flood gates and the girls began to weep and share. They are all struggling with pain and guilt. One young girl was sobbing uncontrollably and I learned her 10 month old daughter had died recently. One was hysterical because her sister had died of cancer and instead of visiting her she spent her time high, and one felt guilty because her brother had committed suicide.  As they cried and shared they asked me how they could heal and I told them that I believed with all my heart healing was taking place in that moment as they shared their deepest pain.  Amazingly it did not end there, girls shared deep buried secrets , the secrets that are so destructive  and had such power over them..  I could feel the presence of the Lord as HE softened even the toughest girls tearing away the masks that they wore to protect themselves. As I walked across Commerce Street in the rain I looked up at God and thanked him again for using me because not only did the inmates experience HIS Healing Grace I did too.  God is so good and what I feared would be a huge failure by how it began ended in victory because of our Savior . I hope the seeds that were planted today will be nourished so they can move forward. I am praying hard for that and for those girls to make the right choice to surrender their lives to Jesus so they can walk in that freedom. It was very powerful, I am so very blessed that he uses me this way.  I read somewhere the best way Thank you JESUS!!

A Beautiful Mind

Yesterday Riley looked at me with those big blue eyes and sighed deeply, she then said "Momma, well we made it through the major holidays and now we will start over, for Halloween next year I will be a Rose" So often I am amazed by her because I was thinking the same thing; we made it through the first holidays without Alexis Rose Washington and although it was so sad there was so much joy as wel...l. She then stopped and said "Oh I forgot there are two more big holidays: Mother's Day and ...........I can't remember the name of the other so I will call it Papa's Day:)))))" I smiled and said that some people call it Father's Day and remembered a while back when she said you're my mommy now since mommy went to Heaven and papa , well papa has always been my daddy. Her thoughts and understanding are so simple and complex at the same time, what a beautiful mind she has.

 

Powerful Photos

On my way to jail, I stopped to print the new slides I added to my power point for when I speak. I use a printed version in jails and prison. I think they are a powerful aid in telling my story.

 

Riley and the Dandelion : ))

There was an amazing God moment this morning where Riley was concerned. I’m sure you are all shocked :)  As we pulled up to Jenn’s I went and let her out of the car, she looked down at the grass and sadly said there are no dandelions but immediately she cheered up as she noticed some little purple flowers in the grass. As we walked to the door she asked me “Did my Mommy go to a babysitter?” and I told her yes she did. Then laughing she asked “Did my Mommy ever wear her pajamas to the babysitter like me?” because Riley was still in her PJ’S wrapped up in her owl blanket.  Smiling I pulled her to me and said yes that even sometimes her Mommy got dressed in the car because she was always running so late.  We knocked on the door and Jenn told me she had to tell me something about how God had spoken to her and it had to do with Riley, dandelions, and Alexis. I was floored because Riley had just spoken about dandelions and for the VERY FIRST TIME she asked me questions about Alexis as a child but I needed to go to work so Jenn said she would text me. Below is the jest of this encounter. Just yesterday as I was praying for my friend Shannon and her Husband Chris I noticed one of her friends had a picture of a dandelion as their profile picture which led me to look at the photo Alexis took of Riley trying to blow the dandelion with all her might.  Here is how this all unfolded with God’s amazing GRACE.  I love him so.

From Jenn:

 Riley and the Dandelion

One day we were walking on our way home from school. Riley picked a dandelion. I watched her blow it & a few pieces blew away. She blew again with all her might, but some wouldn't budge. Riley said,"Jenn! Will you help me?!" , in her kind of bossy Riley way.: )) Holding the flower up very seriously. I said, “Sure." while blowing the other pieces away. She said, “I wish my mommy back." Holding her eyes shut tight. Then got quiet for a minute and said, “God loves me...I'm a flower and I'm going to bloom." It was like something she had heard  and just repeated. She said it with certainty...I about fell apart... Riley then said "Jenn will you keep my flower?"  and then she smiled and ran on playing with the kids like nothing just happened. It was a definite wow God moment. The truth she just knows never ceases to amaze me. She is amazing, because she knows God's love for her. That's something that takes some a lifetime to "get".

More confirmation from God about Riley and the Dandelion : ))

From Jenn again : ))

I was looking up a tattoo image & found this blog this girl posted after a loss. The tattoo image was arrows with dandelion ends. It was Amazing. What dandelions represent is just too cool. I thought of Roo & how God has spoken so much to me through her. Hopefully this makes sense.

That God will be true to His word when He says that He will never leave me or forsake me (Deut. 31:6)

 That God will work all things together for my good (Romans 8:28).

 That God will give me beauty for my ashes (Isaiah 61:3).

 That God will turn our grief into joy (John 16:19-22).

 That my present suffering won’t even compare to the glory that will be revealed in me (Romans 8:18).

 That I will get to see her beautiful face again (2 Cor. 5:8)!!

 That this is not the end but only the beginning; and that “each chapter will be better than the one before” (The Last Battle- CS Lewis).

The significance and a few facts about the dandelion:  

Each head on a dandelion can produce anywhere from 60-100 seeds.

The Dandelion starts out as a yellow flower and then changes into the fluffy flower we are all familiar with. It is constantly changing and evolving.

The dandelion is considered beneficial to other plants because its root will bring up nutrients for shallower rooting plants, and adds minerals and nitrogen to the soil.

It will grow and thrive in some of the most inhospitable environments, whereas many other plants cannot survive.

How does that relate to my experience with Riley ? Even though the dandelion is considered a weed, it always produces seeds that bring forth a beautiful flower.

God will always produce something beautiful from our weeds! He’s in the business of making all things beautiful (Eccl. 3:11)!!! He will use our horrible loss to make something so incredibly magnificent!! He will produce more seeds from this than we can ever imagine (Eph. 3:20)!!

Riley Roo is in a great environment, but losing your mom is extremely inhospitable and some people are just a mess forever, but God is blooming her beautifully. He is speaking to her & comforting her. She is amazing because she knows God's love for her. (:

I just love that Jenn takes care of my Roo . Riley and I are so very blessed : ))