A little later in the spring of '79

After the fire and the spectacle of what recently happened in my life I was feeling pretty hopeless. All I knew to do was move forward the best I could. It wasn’t long after the fire episode that my mother went through the worse Delirium tremens that I had ever seen. It was night and she was in my old bedroom thrashing about in the bed and screaming that spiders were attacking her. I tried to calm her down, but knew I needed to get her to the hospital.  I had learned from experience how serious this was, that she could die, and needed immediate medical attention. My problem was getting my mother to the car by myself. She was naked, having hallucinations, and shaking violently. The thought of calling for help never occurred to me, even though at this point the neighbors knew something was wrong and I had nothing to hide.  The lingering sense of shame and embarrassment I felt were crushing. I left her room trying to think of what to do and how to do it when she suddenly got up and started running.  The hallucinations she was having were terrifying to her and me. She went out the front door and I frantically ran after her. After catching her and a lot of struggling, I got a robe on her and somehow got her in my car. We drove to Doctor’s Hospital by White Rock Lake where she detoxed. I can’t remember how long she was there, but it was at least a few days because I remember having to return to visit her. She was still very delirious, but was slowly coming out of the fog. The memory of sitting on the end of her bed at Doctor’s Hospital is still very vivid. This would be the most coherent I would see her before her death. Maybe that is why I remember it. I don’t remember talking. I just remember being with her.

Doctor's Hospital- where I took my mother to detox countless times. The last time being the spring of '79.

I had someone ask me at the time where she got the alcohol from since she was always so drunk. I didn’t know the answer.

What I do know was we always had money and a car. Maybe she bought a lot of vodka all at once because I kept finding it hidden all over the house. I know when she ran out of vodka she would drink anything and everything that had alcohol in it…perfume, Nyquil, mouthwash, even rubbing alcohol. After detoxing at the hospital, within a day or two, she was back to being passed out every day.

The senior prom was my next special event to have happen in my life. It was in May. On prom night, my date came to pick me up. My mother was passed out in the den and my father was at the lake.

The den where my mother was passed out on the day of my prom. I rushed my date out the front door so he wouldn't see her

There was no one to take my picture or see me off. When my date arrived I wanted to get out of the house as quickly as possible because I didn’t want him to see her. I was so afraid she would wake up and do something awful. He asked me about taking pictures. I just shrugged. I didn’t knowing what to do or say, I just wanted to get out of there.        

Back in the spring of '79

On the special day of my high school’s “red and blue” game (the passing of the torch to the next group of cheerleaders, officially marking the end of my school days) my mother almost burned down our house. My closest friend, Peri, had stopped by my home to pick up something for me and the house was on fire. As she ran into my family home, she found my mother naked in the front room. She managed to put a robe on my mother, grabbed a few things, and went to a neighbor’s house to call the fire department and then my father. After making the calls, she discovered my mother was no longer with her. My mother had gone back into our burning house. As Peri went in to get her, my mom told Peri she wanted to die. She had given up.

Embarrassed about the situation, and after the commotion had died down, I went home. My dad had since come and gone. He had returned to our lake house and it was just me and my mother. I remember I was still in my cheerleading uniform from the earlier ceremony; it would be my last time to ever wear it. This signified the end to so many things; my childhood, my school days, cheerleading, and as you can only imagine, so much more. Although I didn’t realize that at the time, it was also very close to the end of my mother’s life.  I guess her words to Peri were true, she just wanted to die. She had given up. To be honest I think I gave up that day too. I had given up my burning hope that she would quit drinking and that my dad would come home. I think I knew the situation was hopeless and I didn’t know how much longer any of us could go on. I didn’t know if I could take much more. Humiliated and embarrassed by what had happened are the only words I have to describe what I felt. Thank God it was Peri who found her, that was bad enough, but not as bad as if it had been someone else. Peri was my best friend. I had tried so hard to keep her alcoholism a secret. Now the neighbors knew. They not only knew but they saw how truly bad it was. I was overwhelmed with shame. I thought her behavior reflected what type of person I was. That was a heavy burden to carry for an 18 year old girl. I stood up and walked to my mother’s  doorway and watched her. Literally, she was out of her mind. The mattress to her bed had been destroyed by the fire, leaving only the frame and headboard. I guess she didn’t realize that because she had sheets and was trying to make the bed as if there was a mattress. She would throw the sheet over the frame, trip over it, fall, then get up and try again. I stood there watching nervously, chewing on the tip of my thumb (something I had done as a calming mechanism for years). At times I would laugh nervously because it was just so disturbing and I didn’t know what to do. She was not even aware I was there. I felt invisible and so alone. For the first time, bitterness and contempt started to rise within me and I hated her. I was so tired of everything; taking care of her, pretending I was okay, pretending my parents were okay, and this list could go on. After she had fallen into the frame again I was scared she was going to really hurt herself. I went to help her to her feet and guided her to my old bedroom from when I was a child. I put her in my old bed.

This the actual childhood room where I put my mother the day of the fire

 Covering her with a blanket, I walked toward the door and turned off the light. As I shut the door, I took one last look at her. I went to my room to get ready for whatever plans I had settled on for that night.  Later as I was leaving, I walked into the room to check on her and just to make sure she was breathing. My “normal”. Each day, for as long as I can remember, before I left the house and when I got home, the first thing I did was to make sure she was alive.

AND THEN................

As I have shared so very often this is a HARD time of the year for me, it has been since the spring of my senior year in high school. It was in the spring of ‘79 that everything began to spiral out of control where my mother was concerned, culminating in her death on Memorial Day of that year.  AND THEN  20 years later Kathey  died , AND THEN two years after that I got arrested for manufacturing  Meth ,   AND THEN one year later  I got arrested  for possession,  AND THEN  I got sent to prison. All of these events in my life took place in the spring.

To most people spring represents new life, new birth, a new beginning but to me it has represented death and the end to so many things. Year after year as March would come to an end a knot of fear and dread would begin to develop in the pit of my stomach but last year I thought I had overcome it all, FINALLY not caving into the feelings of overwhelming sadness that would always wash over me , standing firm in my faith so thankful God had delivered me . Walking in the power, love, and self-discipline that God has given me.   AND THEN, without warning in the blink of an eye, Alexis died………

As a result of all that has happened I am feeling even more overwhelmed this year.  When these feelings and thoughts won’t go away and keep bombarding my mind  I begin to get angry with myself thinking I should be over this by now :  Mother died 34 years ago !!! If I split my life into thirds I have spent almost 2/3’s of my life without my momma.  That blows me away. And it is unbelievable that Kathey has been gone 14 years. I just can’t wrap my head around that!!   So at times I wonder why momma’s and Kathey’s deaths STILL hurt so badly. AND THEN this year all the old pain is compounded with the still very raw and fresh pain from losing Alexis.  Some days I just feel worn out like my soul has been crushed.  That is where I am at today.

But God is always right there to show me my many blessings, sometimes it just takes me longer to open my eyes and ears  to listen to HIM. Today God reminded me that although It has been 34 years since momma died I have only been dealing with it for 8 , the other 26 years I tried to hide, deny, and self-medicate.  I felt much better after that because in reality I am handling things extremely well . I am still clean and sober today and that is something I am extremely thankful for. There are countless people who can’t get clean and I have done it and remained that way. That is what I love about God when I am feeling so very weak he points out all HIS strengths within me. So I guess when the pain comes in I will just give in to  the healing tears and press into the Lord.

As I drove home from work tonight listening to worship music this song came on:

10,000 Reasons (Bless the Lord)

Bless the lord oh my soul

Oh my soul

Worship his holy name

Sing like never before

Oh my soul

I worship you holy name

The sun comes up

It’s a new day dawning

It’s time to sing your song again

Whatever may pass and whatever lies before me

Let me be singing when the evening comes

 

AND THEN I felt refreshed.  It put all things into perspective plus Kathey’s favorite Psalm was Psalm 103. Then I stopped at Alexis’ site and as I admired her memorial I remembered  how he had given me beauty for ashes yet again. As I said a prayer and walked to my car I knew I would be okay, the pain had passed.

Today I have given you the choice between life and death, between blessings and curses.

God keeps taking me deeper into Deuteronomy 30:19. It is beautiful how he pieces together our past and our present  to teach us and show us truth which ultimately will bring us peace. With HIS truth,  he gives hope.  My life seems like a huge jig saw puzzle and he is showing me how to fit the pieces together,  both past and present.  Through this puzzle he has revealed a lot about me, a lot about my parents, and a lot about the choices we have because of our free will.  As Deuteronomy 30:19 says  “Today I have given you the choice between life and death, between blessings and curses. Now I call on heaven and earth to witness the choice you make. Oh, that you would choose life, so that you and your descendants might live!  Each day we are given the choice between life and death  ( both literally and figuratively) and the choice we make will impact so many. This revelation began with a message on April 23 from someone I didn’t know I knew : )) Here were  my thoughts about it that I jotted down yesterday.

April 24, 2012

Something cool happened last night and God really spoke to me through it. Recently I accepted a friend request from a girl named Teri Green. When I accepted I didn’t know who she was and I couldn’t see her friends but decided to accept anyway. Once I accepted I noticed we had one mutual friend, a girl named Desiray that worked for my dad many years ago. I was somewhat curious about her and looked at her Facebook page but it didn’t ring a bell or jog my memory so I just let it go.

Last night Teri messaged me and  it turns out she is actually the daughter of one of my dad’s closest friends, Buddy. He and my dad were close through the 80’s on I believe ,  I don’t know if they knew each other before that. At least I have no recollection of Buddy before then. She thanked me for my blogs and posts telling me it has brought light to a lot of things. Curious I asked her what.

She then told me that when my sister died in 1999 her dad was reading the obituary which mentioned she was preceded in death by my brother David and my mother. My father’s friend was shocked by this , he had no idea that my dad had lost a son. Daddy had never mentioned he had any other children other than me and Kathey. He asked Daddy about it , my dad told him he did have a son that committed suicide a long time ago. His friend asked him why he had never mentioned it but she wasn’t sure how my dad responded. My thoughts are he just never answered because we didn’t talk about those things.

It reminded me of another very good friend of my father’s during that same time period. He was our dentist and he and daddy spent a lot of time together. Their lake houses were by each other, they vacationed together, and they socialized with each other on a regular basis. Paul thought he knew my father well.

I had a dentist appointment in the months before Kathey died and I remember sharing with Paul that I was worried about how dad would handle Kathey’s death. I told him I was worried because when Kathey died, it would be two children he had lost. I wanted his very good friend to be able to give him emotional support. Paul was shocked, beyond shocked. He never knew David existed and Daddy had never told him Kathey was sick. He didn’t have a clue to my father’s pain, past and present.  Kathey died soon after.  I spiraled into an abyss of drug addiction and Daddy’s alcoholism worsened. At the time I didn’t realize how far gone he was ,how far gone he had always been.

This brings me back to Deuteronomy 30:19- Daddy never chose life until the very end of his life and I thank God for that. His choice of death (denial, pretense, and darkness) almost destroyed me as well. There is no bitterness just sadness and gratefulness that I was able to overcome and that I have chosen  life and chose to walk in freedom and light. FINALLY  

This makes my heart break for my Daddy ( and Momma as well ). He seemed larger than life to me but he was just so weak. He could never deal with any of it : David’s suicide, Mother’s alcoholism,  and Kathey’s death. Because of his weakness and denial he abandoned me and left me to deal with mother alone. He couldn’t handle that choice as well. He was so broken. In his guilt he resented my strength and what he had done to me. Daddy chose death and curses instead of blessings and life. Momma did too. He just could never recover until the end when he accepted Jesus.  Then he died as well.

I am so thankful that I walk in truth and light. The death of a child is hard enough but to do it without God’s strength, I just can’t imagine.  These revelations help to dissipate any lingering bitterness that I have had against daddy or momma. As the bitterness leaves it has been replaced with more love. The timing is perfect as I come into the hardest season of my year: May and June.  It has always been a tough time but even more so now with the death of Alexis.

But as always he meets me in my suffering and pain reminding me that  : IN MY DARKEST MOMENT WHEN I THOUGHT THERE WAS NO HOPE I CHOSE LIFE AND THAT I CONTINUE TO DO SO. HE IS SMILING UPON ME RIGHT NOW , I CAN FEEL IT !!!  GOD IS  SO GOOD !!!

A letter of recommendation

Susan DeFace Washington is the real deal. She is one of the most powerful, heartwarming, spirit filled speakers we have been blessed to hear. Women of all ages were  blessed by her testimony and her message of hope, forgiveness and God's redeeming love for all people no matter the circumstances in your past or present situation.  We have had many speakers for our Women's Events at First Baptist Church Carrollton and  I can honestly say Susan ranks as one of the most outstanding speakers we have had.

Beverly Anderson

Women's Ministry Coordinator

First Baptist Church Carrollton

Carrollton, Texas