Today I have given you the choice between life and death, between blessings and curses.

God keeps taking me deeper into Deuteronomy 30:19. It is beautiful how he pieces together our past and our present  to teach us and show us truth which ultimately will bring us peace. With HIS truth,  he gives hope.  My life seems like a huge jig saw puzzle and he is showing me how to fit the pieces together,  both past and present.  Through this puzzle he has revealed a lot about me, a lot about my parents, and a lot about the choices we have because of our free will.  As Deuteronomy 30:19 says  “Today I have given you the choice between life and death, between blessings and curses. Now I call on heaven and earth to witness the choice you make. Oh, that you would choose life, so that you and your descendants might live!  Each day we are given the choice between life and death  ( both literally and figuratively) and the choice we make will impact so many. This revelation began with a message on April 23 from someone I didn’t know I knew : )) Here were  my thoughts about it that I jotted down yesterday.

April 24, 2012

Something cool happened last night and God really spoke to me through it. Recently I accepted a friend request from a girl named Teri Green. When I accepted I didn’t know who she was and I couldn’t see her friends but decided to accept anyway. Once I accepted I noticed we had one mutual friend, a girl named Desiray that worked for my dad many years ago. I was somewhat curious about her and looked at her Facebook page but it didn’t ring a bell or jog my memory so I just let it go.

Last night Teri messaged me and  it turns out she is actually the daughter of one of my dad’s closest friends, Buddy. He and my dad were close through the 80’s on I believe ,  I don’t know if they knew each other before that. At least I have no recollection of Buddy before then. She thanked me for my blogs and posts telling me it has brought light to a lot of things. Curious I asked her what.

She then told me that when my sister died in 1999 her dad was reading the obituary which mentioned she was preceded in death by my brother David and my mother. My father’s friend was shocked by this , he had no idea that my dad had lost a son. Daddy had never mentioned he had any other children other than me and Kathey. He asked Daddy about it , my dad told him he did have a son that committed suicide a long time ago. His friend asked him why he had never mentioned it but she wasn’t sure how my dad responded. My thoughts are he just never answered because we didn’t talk about those things.

It reminded me of another very good friend of my father’s during that same time period. He was our dentist and he and daddy spent a lot of time together. Their lake houses were by each other, they vacationed together, and they socialized with each other on a regular basis. Paul thought he knew my father well.

I had a dentist appointment in the months before Kathey died and I remember sharing with Paul that I was worried about how dad would handle Kathey’s death. I told him I was worried because when Kathey died, it would be two children he had lost. I wanted his very good friend to be able to give him emotional support. Paul was shocked, beyond shocked. He never knew David existed and Daddy had never told him Kathey was sick. He didn’t have a clue to my father’s pain, past and present.  Kathey died soon after.  I spiraled into an abyss of drug addiction and Daddy’s alcoholism worsened. At the time I didn’t realize how far gone he was ,how far gone he had always been.

This brings me back to Deuteronomy 30:19- Daddy never chose life until the very end of his life and I thank God for that. His choice of death (denial, pretense, and darkness) almost destroyed me as well. There is no bitterness just sadness and gratefulness that I was able to overcome and that I have chosen  life and chose to walk in freedom and light. FINALLY  

This makes my heart break for my Daddy ( and Momma as well ). He seemed larger than life to me but he was just so weak. He could never deal with any of it : David’s suicide, Mother’s alcoholism,  and Kathey’s death. Because of his weakness and denial he abandoned me and left me to deal with mother alone. He couldn’t handle that choice as well. He was so broken. In his guilt he resented my strength and what he had done to me. Daddy chose death and curses instead of blessings and life. Momma did too. He just could never recover until the end when he accepted Jesus.  Then he died as well.

I am so thankful that I walk in truth and light. The death of a child is hard enough but to do it without God’s strength, I just can’t imagine.  These revelations help to dissipate any lingering bitterness that I have had against daddy or momma. As the bitterness leaves it has been replaced with more love. The timing is perfect as I come into the hardest season of my year: May and June.  It has always been a tough time but even more so now with the death of Alexis.

But as always he meets me in my suffering and pain reminding me that  : IN MY DARKEST MOMENT WHEN I THOUGHT THERE WAS NO HOPE I CHOSE LIFE AND THAT I CONTINUE TO DO SO. HE IS SMILING UPON ME RIGHT NOW , I CAN FEEL IT !!!  GOD IS  SO GOOD !!!