Becky, the fire alarm, and the coyote

As I was reminiscing about my teaching years I was reminded of another story that concerned Becky. As I said Becky and I were attached at the hip for the year she attended the school where I taught. Where ever I went, she went and I typically held her hand to keep control of her. One day during lunch we were returning from the cafeteria to my room. I was holding Becky’s hand but she began to lead me, I was somewhat distracted and just followed her as she walked across the hall and pulled the fire alarm on the wall. As the alarms began to ring through the halls I was shocked because my whole reason of holding her hand was to avoid things like this and she did right under my nose with me attached to her!!

 The fire alarm going off caused mass confusion and chaos because it was lunch time!! Fire drills don’t happen during lunch!! This offense warranted a trip to the principal’s office and Becky was really scared. When we I got there I learned he was very upset with both of us!! At first he asked me how she got away from me to do this and then I had to confess I was holding her hand when it happened. He looked at me incredulously, shook his head and moved on to Becky. As he tried to talk with Becky he got increasingly more frustrated because Becky was special and regular discipline did not work with her. Lecturing her went nowhere; she was just being typical Becky pacing his office while flapping her arms and making nonsense noises. I thought about telling him to try the hominy behavior modification plan (to lighten the mood ) but he was much too upset with both of us so I thought it was best to refrain and keep silent. Finally in desperation he threw his arms up and said “Mrs. Washington just take her for awhile , go drive around or something” I looked at him as if he was crazy and asked “Take her for a ride? In my car ?!!!!“ Where I had taught before you NEVER took a student for a ride in your car, but as I said this was a different world and much of the time I felt like I was in the Twilight Zone. He looked at me sternly and said “Yes take her for a ride, I NEED A BREAK”. “YOU NEED A BREAK!!! IF ANYONE NEEDS A BREAK I DO” is what I wanted to say but I decided to keep quiet and do as I was told.

 Becky and I stood up and I grabbed her hand, which was now second nature to me, and we left. As I was walking down the hall to leave the building I remained focused and on my toes to make sure nothing happened on my watch again. Becky and I got into my green Mazda 626 and I began to feel better. It was my new car and I was so proud of it. It was the nicest car I had ever owned and I loved everything about it : the sunroof, the color , and the tan leather seats.

 Thankfully by this time I knew my way around this one horse town. As I said I had never been in a town so small, my sister lived in Panhandle TX and I thought that was small until I came here. The first year as Special Education Coordinator I made a home visit to have a parent sign some important paper work because after several attempts the papers were never returned. She did not have transportation and it was imperative we had the student’s folder in order. I finally called and asked her if I could come by and have her sign the papers. She agreed. As I left that day to drive to her home I asked for directions , everyone in the office seemed to know where they lived. I was expecting regular driving directions like we get today on a GPS or MapQuest or directions I would have gotten in Dallas or Amarillo . That is what I expected but this is what I got , everyone in the office helped with the directions (remember I was in the Twilight Zone ) : ‘ take the oil top road behind the school and drive until you go by the Miller’s pasture, there is a black and white cow that is usually by the fence and an old barn that used to be red, you will then see a gravel road and take a right , keep on driving past the Jones’s double wide, you will know it is theirs because there will be goats in the front yard . Take a left on the next oil top road and you will see the Anderson’s home , it sets back off the road but there is a huge oak tree in front with a tire swing.’

I felt more lost than before and had to ask the definition of an oil top road and doublewide!! Needless to say I had to drive back to the school after about a half an hour of getting lost and have someone drive me. I was thankful being a bus driver wasn’t one of my duties; I didn’t know how the bus drivers drove their routes.

 But by my 2nd year at the district I could drive those country roads without getting lost. So Becky and I set off. She was not very happy about this arrangement and I really didn’t care. I buckled her in the back seat and began to drive; ever so often I would glance at Becky in my rear view mirror. She was muttering under her breath and calling me a bitch as usual. I just ignored her and listened to my Smash Mouth cassette. Ignoring her seemed to make her madder and she looked at my eyes in the mirror and said “ I am going to jump out of this car you *%$^* bitch”. This concerned me somewhat because I didn’t know if I had child safety locks on my doors. But I had learned some valuable information and information is power. The information I had obtained from her foster home was Becky not only feared hominy but she was deathly scared of coyotes too. So as she repeated her threat of jumping out of my car while trying to unbuckle her seatbelt I looked at her in the rear view mirror and said “Go ahead but if you do a coyote is going to get you!! “ Her eyes got as big as saucers and she gave me the same look she did the first time I put the hominy on my desk and muttered “Bitch” then settled back in the seat. Best of all she didn’t threaten to jump out again. And then in a blink of an eye as if nothing had happened she said “I love you Mrs. Washington” and I knew the episode had passed. She then asked if we could listen to “Walking on the Sun” by Smash Mouth. It was her favorite song so I turned it on . We drove down those country roads with the windows down and my sun roof opened singing at the top of our lungs, then we went back to school.

 There were other times that I had to take Becky for a drive to deescalate some situations and even one time we went with the principal in his car and listened to Tom Petty’s Greatest Hits. That is just the way it was there, it was a different world.

Becky and the Hominy :))

As I was driving home from work my mood was lifted as a memory surfaced from when I was a teacher. It made me laugh out loud in my car. I hope it makes you laugh as well.

When we moved back to the Dallas area in 1996 I got a job as the Special Education Coordinator for a very small district. The elementary, junior high, and high school were in the same building . K-12 was about 300 students.  I was so very proud of this position but I had never lived or worked in such a small town. It was a different world but I grew to love it . I was in that district for four years until I became a drug addict and they asked me to leave:))

 As the special education coordinator for this very small district my duties also included teaching in the elementary school . As part of the reorganization of the Special Ed. Department I introduced content mastery and inclusion to the district mainstreaming many of the students in the program but the students with more severe challenges spent their days with me.

 There was one student that we will call “Becky”. She was 10 years old and lived in a group foster home on the outskirts of town. Becky‘s story was heartbreaking and she had suffered years of neglect and abuse. I hate the use of labels but I don’t know how else to describe Becky. After much testing she was classified as Emotionally Disturbed , Autistic, and Mentally Retarded. She was also basically non verbal although she did talk some but not much. Becky spent all day everyday with me. We were attached at the hip so to say. Becky’s behavior could be very challenging to say the least.

 Becky would get very upset and keeping her on task seemed impossible. Becky threw many tantrums. Students with behavioral problems were not new to me , this is what I had excelled at when I taught in Amarillo. It seemed I had success with the most challenging students. I loved them and wanted them to succeed. I now know God gave me a heart for them but Becky was my greatest challenge. As I said she wasn’t very verbal but when she was she would use her limited words to cuss me out :)) It was shocking to see this sweet little 10 year old girl use the language she did. She would look me in the eye and call me a “bitch” when she got mad . I tried all kinds of behavior modification programs rewarding her for good behavior but they all failed. Only one thing worked and it was basically a threat. For some reason Becky hated hominy . I don’t know why and I don’t know where this fear of hominy came from but she despised it. I honestly don’t know how I learned of this either but I thank God I did. So after countless behavior plans failed I turned what I called the hominy plan. I bought a few cans of hominy and kept them in my desk drawer. One day Becky was out of control and not listening. After countless attempts to get her on task she looked me in the eye and called me a “bitch”. At that moment in frustration and anger I reached into my desk drawer and pulled out a can of hominy and put it on my desk and told her if she didn’t sit down this was going to be her lunch. Her eyes got big and she looked fearfully at the hominy and then gave me a dirty look. I told her I wasn’t kidding and as dramatically as possible I pulled out a can opener laying it beside the hominy. She looked at the hominy again then looked me in the eye and whispered “bitch” as she walked back to her desk and sat down. IT WORKED!!! From that moment on I always kept hominy in my classroom. Becky never had to eat it because she always minded when I pulled out the can, she would still call me names under her breath but that improved with time as well.

 A lot of the time she was a sweet girl and I would praise her when she did well. Plus when she wasn’t calling me a bitch she would run and hug me saying “ I love you Mrs. Washington” and I would hug her too and tell her I loved her. I know we weren’t supposed to do that but I felt a lot of this little girl’s problems stemmed from not feeling loved so I tried to show her that I really cared and I honestly did.

 I really miss teaching sometimes. Remembering this story made me laugh and smile.

The People God Brings Into Our Lives

We have all had them. People God brings across our paths to minister to or for them to minister to us. Seemingly out of the blue, seemingly random but we know it was God appointed. It is amazing how He works. My very first experience with the “randomness” of God happened in 2006. I briefly shared part of my story at New Hope one Sunday. I spoke for about 10 minutes. It was my first time to ever speak in front of a crowd, much less a church, and share my story. It was hard to share all the things I had done but I did it. When I was done I felt a sense of satisfaction that I stood up and admitted all my failures. The reaction and support I received from the congregation that day was amazing, it is a day I will never forget.

 Later that night the Jensen’s ( whose inspiring walk with God during the tragic loss of their son Alex is what finally opened my eyes to Jesus)  dropped by my house and told me of something that happened that morning after I spoke. A young man approached a group of men for prayer. He had just gotten out of prison and had come to Wylie for a funeral. He had no plans to go to church that day but for “some reason” did. He had drugs in his pocket and planned on getting high after leaving. As he prayed with the men he gave them the little baggie of dope to throw away. That without a doubt was a divine appointment from God.  God used my story to help that man; I never even spoke to him directly. I was amazed by this because I had no idea. It my first glimpse into God’s power working in such a mighty way. Working in such a mighty way through me. I was pumped. As far as I know that was the first that God has brought across my path for me to minister to (even if it was indirectly)  I love how HE connects the dots. His timing is perfect.

In the past year as I have been walking out the grief from my own tragedy of losing Alexis HE has connected we me with many beautiful people. It has really been amazing and through these connections I have made lifelong friends.  Until this past year I had never heard of the Caring Bridge site but through God’s divine appointments I have followed 3 people that I had contact with before horrifically tragic events occurred in their lives. At first I began to feel there was a pattern: see Susan then something bad happens. But God quickly replaced that lie and simply said “people need to hear your story and see MY strength in you” HE said “Your story gives hope” It was almost audible.

There has been one CaringBridge site I have followed from the sidelines because I didn’t really know this girl at all. I learned of her tragedy through a friend. On January 7, 2013   I spoke at Rockwall Heath High School. When I was in the classroom my dear friend Kristie Smith called me and asked me to pray for a friend of hers who was in a horrible accident . I immediately prayed. Later I learned her two young girls died as the result of the accident and she was paralyzed . My heart broke and I continued to pray following her recovery on Caring Bridge. From afar I admired  her strength and was inspired by her faith. Feeling a connection to her  but not knowing what to do. So  when I don’t know what to do , I pray until I do. I pray until I hear from God.

God got in touch with me this week through my dear friend Kristie Smith. Kristie texted me and  let me know she had gone to visit Dawn  at her home and was amazed !!. She took her on a tour of the house and showed her the girl’s school room where she home schooled them. The room was decorated in OWLS. Kristie immediately felt a connection with Alexis. When I learned this I knew this was a sign that God wanted me to meet this girl.  I immediately let Kristie know and she felt the same way so we made a decision.  In June Kristie and I are going Mt. Pleasant. I’m not sure what God is up to : ))  I don’t know if it is for me to minister to her or for her to minister to me but I am thinking it is both : )). But it was another amazing OWL sighting. All I know is when I heard the news that the young girls had died I had an overwhelming feeling that Alexis greeted them in Heaven .

Did we answer the call? It could be calling someone who is lonely and discouraged and something just nudges you to do so, and you know that nudge is from the Lord. Or, it could be someone who is in a critical crisis and you are the one God uses to help them through.

June 7, 2012- A different view

Awhile back I had asked a few people to write their memories of the day Alexis died.  I only know it from my view, from my perspective. I thought it would be healing to look at it through another lens and it was. This is from my friend Jill Crowe and her recollection of the day. It brought clarity and confirmation. There are some parts I don’t remember but most of all it brought HEALING.  As I read it I broke down repeatedly but the tears were healing tears. Just so thankful for the people God has put in my life. I love you Jill Crowe.  I haven’t received the others and I’m not sure what I am going to do with this : God has given me a glimpse of a vision but I have to wait until he shows me more.

Susan,

Thank you for asking for my input on the day that Alexis passed away.  Knowing her, her passing and the events that followed have had such a profound effect on me, I think this may be a bit cathartic.  I am a bit nervous writing anything for you, but I know that you will overlook my simple writing – cuz ya love me : )

If God leads you to use this, feel free to make any changes that you see that need to be done.  I’ll warn you ahead of time, in college a professor asked me if I grew up in a foreign country.  I replied “Yes, in fact, Germany!”  He said I wrote my papers like my first language was something other than English.  I never told him I went to American, English speaking schools.  So, here goes.  I’m just gonna write it like I am telling it to you, ok?

On the morning of Alexis’ accident my friend who helps with the house came over and as we had coffee she told me about a car accident on Parker road that must have been pretty serious.  I could see on her face that it concerned her but she didn’t go into details, she just said it had to have been bad.  About 30 minutes later, you called and I missed the call so I called you back.  You said that Alexis had been in an accident and that you were on your way to the hospital. I asked if the accident was on Parker Road and I don’t remember your reply but you asked why.  I really didn’t want to tell you how serious my friend had said that it was, I’m not even sure what I said to you, I just remember saying I was on my way.  I got dressed in the clothes lying over the bathtub, I don’t even think I brushed my teeth or combed my hair.  On the way there I think I put on my blinkers thinking the police would understand why I was speeding. I wondered if I needed to bring you coffee and I called.  When you answered the phone, you didn’t say hello, you just said “Jill, she’s gone, they said she is gone, she died.” I was on Plano Parkway in front of the Racetrac gas station near 75.  I felt a cold wash over me.  The view I had looking out my windshield feels like it will be forever etched in my mind.  I needed to get through that intersection and down the hill on the other side of 75 and it felt like I was taking forever to get to the hospital. I don’t remember how the entire conversation went but at some point, you talked about getting some cigarettes and I could hear Sammy cry out “NO!!! No Mom, please no. No cigarettes!”  You agreed with him in such a tender and understanding way. It was so sweet, like you would do for him whatever he needed. 

I think it was during this conversation that you asked me to please hurry and just get there.  The emotion I still have, hearing your desperation in my mind still pulls at my heart and I feel utterly helpless.

Being in the emergency room comes back in flashes of memory rather than a smooth beginning and end.  You, Sammy and Shelby were in that little consultation room – an area of limbo – not in the waiting room and not in the treatment area.  You and Sammy were sitting on the couch and Shelby was in the one chair, all of you crying, and you trying hard to comfort Sammy.  I tried to comfort you and felt completely inadequate. I remember realizing then just how small and petite your body is.  I reached across your narrow shoulders and feared crushing you with a hug.  At one point you told Sammy “We are going to get through this.  We are strong now.  This is so sad. We are going to get through this!”  Sammy repeated a number of times “I don’t believe this, I just don’t believe this.”

People started showing up right away.  I remember Lynn, Jake, Keith, Patti, Mr. and Mrs. Washington, Angela and then Hailey and Beck.  It was so heartbreaking seeing them digest what they feared most.

The nurse/social worker who gave us information had discussed with you seeing Alexis.  I remember you saying “I have to see my baby!  She is my baby, I have to see her!”  I wanted to just walk you back there right then and find her on our own – I couldn’t imagine one of my kids being in a car accident and knowing I was only feet away from them and not being able to be next to them.  Finally, we decided to walk back with the nurse, and I don’t remember if Patti was with us the first time.  As we entered the ER treating area the nurse said if you change your mind, its ok.  As we took each step I began to feel more and more outside of reality.  There was such an intense need to see Alexis along with the fear of facing the reality of her death.  I think I whispered to you a couple of times that you can change your mind as we walked, perhaps I just wanted to say it, I’m not sure.  I do know though, that the first time we walked back there, you changed your mind when we were only feet from the door.  The moment you turned around to return to the little room, it appeared as if you were gathering yourself, getting ready, gaining strength.  I’m not sure how long it was before we went back again, but I am pretty sure Patti was with us.  You were so strong.  When the nurse opened the door you went straight to Alexis’ face and talked to her.  You told her how much you love her, you told her you were sorry.  You mentioned to the nurse that she had another earring (I think in the top of her ear).  I think you stroked her hair.  Your cry was more painful than any I have ever heard.  We stayed for three to five minutes I think.  We returned again with Sammy, Beck and I think Hailey and Shelby.  You were so strong for them.  I could see you wanting to just make everything ok for Sammy and Hailey.

At some point you and I were the only ones in the consultation room and you looked me in the eye and told me that I needed to stay away from you, that you were cursed, that bad things happen to the people you love.  I could see how real this must have felt to you at the moment, I could see that fear in your eyes and it was real. The pain was crushing when I multiplied losing Alexis with this feeling of being cursed.  I also knew though that I have only grown from knowing you and from watching you grow.  And I knew too that you have only blessed me and every other person you minister to.  I just could not find words though.

Two county sheriff deputies came and wanted to try and comfort you with information that they had and let you know they would need to talk at some other point.  I think they basically just wanted to give you a business card initially.  They brought us to that side room…and hey, come to think of it, was I just following you around everywhere you went?  Why did I follow you back there?  As I think of these two sheriff guys I remember some feelings of anger, like I wanted them to stay away from you at first.  But I know I changed my mind about them by the end of their visit.  Anyhow, they pulled some chairs up for us and Keith stood behind us and you started asking questions, specific questions which I think surprised the sheriff guys. Before they even described the accident I think you asked about the other driver. As they described her tires as being low on tread you said “I should have bought her new tires! Oh no. But wait, God already knew the number of her days!  He already knew, isn’t that right Keith?”  I turned and saw Keith’s expression which spoke volumes to me about you in the midst of this loss – he was at a loss for words.  He wanted to comfort you but I think your words comforted him. His reply I think was just “Yes, yes.”  The sheriff guys continued to explain the accident and you asked them to tell the man driving the other car that you did not blame him, that he should not feel guilty.  I wish I could remember the exact words the sheriff guys said, they were blown away by your empathy.  So was I.  So was Keith. 

When it appeared there was nothing more to do at the hospital we planned to come to my house to be together and whatever happens from there.  You looked at me and asked if it was ok, I couldn’t imagine being away from you guys at the time so I was just grateful!  We stopped at the Starbucks on Parker and Alma and I got two of your coffees and headed toward Wylie.  At some point after leaving the hospital you had asked about going to the wreck site and wondering if that was a weird thing to do.  I didn’t think it was weird at all.  When we got to the site I could see your mind trying to figure the wreck out.  You were kind of thinking out loud about what might have happened and combining the information the sheriff guys told us. You picked up a piece of the door handle and cried.  You said a number of times how it just did not make sense.  None of it did.

We went to my house and people showed up there.  Danielle, Renate and Amada came and brought boxes of food and paper goods.  Lynn was there as well as Kerri Jensen who helped with so many of the logistics.  When it came time to discuss a burial or a cremation I wanted you to take a break from it all but you said you really wanted to get things planned and figured out.  I just wish I could have plucked you out of the room, out of the house and out of the entire situation.  I made some phone calls to funeral homes and crematoriums and came up with the plan that was affordable.  None of it sounded like a good idea, both burial and cremation just sucked.

After the candle light service I came home and I think you guys went to dinner.  When you came back I hardly knew what to say.  You were tired and asked if I had some pajamas.  After you put them on I realized again just how tiny you are.  You were so petite, so fragile, and I hated the thought of you being in that room by yourself.

In the morning you shared that you did not sleep much because you just could not stop crying.  I wish I could have been in there with you.  But you also shared some things you got from scripture and from God and again, you amazed me.

We were "Ordinary People"

I am trying so hard to be brave right now but I am struggling as Memorial Day nears. Memorial Day has always been so very difficult because of Momma and Kathey's deaths. For those who don't know my story,  my mother and sister both died at the age of 49 on Memorial Day. Mother was 1979 and Kathey was 1999. Each year during this time I am under attack.   I know there is spiritual warfare because the word says so :

For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places. Ephesians 6: 12(NKJV)

What has been dominating my thoughts today for some reason is the movie “Ordinary People”. It came out in 1980 and had a tremendous effect on me probably because of all I had just been through with the death of my mother as well as the overshadowing effects still lingering from David’s suicide. It was the story of the disintegration of an upper middle class family who are grieving the loss of their oldest son who drowned in a boating accident. Their surviving son, Conrad, who was on the boat as well unsuccessfully attempts suicide and that is where the story really begins.

This movie drew me in and I’m not sure why because I don’t know if I clearly understood what it was about. I spent a lot of time at the movies by myself during high school just to escape the loneliness of my home. At the movies I could escape my reality and that didn’t change after mother died because my reality got so much worse ,  I looked forward to these movies taking me away. Little did I know that Ordinary People would hit on a nerve so raw and so deeply close to my fragile heart. 

I loved Robert Redford and had seen “The Way we Were” , “The Sting”, and “Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid” numerous times , “Ordinary People” was his directorial debut. Timothy Hutton was somewhat new but I was excited to see him act because he was about my age and I had loved his father Jim Hutton in “Where the Boys Are” ( right now I can hear Connie Francis singing the title song “ Where the Boys Are, someone waits for me……… “. Then of course there was Mary Tyler Moore who I had grown up watching on the Dick Van Dyke show and later the Mary Tyler Moore show. My excitement grew about seeing this movie and then I went. It was beautifully done but mirrored my life and my family in so many ways , it was somewhat haunting.

I was Conrad except I was a girl and  hadn’t tried to commit suicide. I could relate so well to his guilt , he had survivor guilt and so did I on a level that I couldn’t begin to comprehend then but is so very clear today. Conrad couldn’t forgive himself for surviving , for holding on and I couldn’t either.

It was hard to see Mary Tyler Moore so cold but the way she withdrew and was so remote reminded me of how my dad had dealt with David’s death, he slowly just kept withdrawing until he gone. I struggled with his absence and his presence as well because he could be so cold and critical. It was something I wrestled with and felt guilt because in a way I was actually happy he wasn’t around although I missed the idea of having my daddy terribly. It is hard to describe.

I sat in the theater watching this movie alone and was stunned,  barely able to breathe.  I felt I was watching a movie about my life in a way. Having never read the book I secretly cheered on Conrad thinking if he could be okay then maybe I could be okay. Watching the cathartic scene where healing finally begins was so very disturbing to say the least because  I wasn’t ready to feel yet. I wanted to be better but I didn’t want to feel any pain. It would be decades before I finally had a cathartic scene of my own.

The moment where the healing began for Conrad

But today as  those thoughts came to the surface of my mind I came to the realization that I am a survivor and I forgive myself for holding on.  My dad and mom just let go of their lives but somehow I survived , I didn’t do it with much dignity or grace but the bottom line is I made it. I alone survived and honestly I am very proud of that.   I think of the times I was almost overcome but with the help of God and the strength he instilled within me I was able to pull myself  out of the pit I had dug for myself and today I am standing on a firm foundation : a strong foundation that will withstand whatever God allows to come my way. I always think I am weak but because of God I know I am strong:  VERY STRONG. It is just a fact and I’m going to state it because it is false humility not to. God made me this way and I thank him for that : ))

Wow I wrote this right before Alexis died and it is all still true. I am a survivor and an overcomer standing firm in my faith which has got me through this past year. Back in 1980 I was a frightened young girl but with the help of God my fears have been stripped away.