July 21, 2012- Angels Visited Me ?

July 21, 2012 was the day  that I almost died. I don’t believe I have ever been that close to death . I came close to committing suicide in 2001 but I had not taken any physical action before God intervened. A year ago was different, I didn’t want to die. God intervened that day in an amazing way and after HE saved me I wondered why he chose to save me but not Alexis. I quickly put that out of my mind because it is a question that won’t be answered on this side of heaven and I am okay with that. I will tell you the story because it does glorify God and HIS omnipotence. 
July 21, 2012 was a very busy Saturday at work. There were three of us working that day and we barely had time to breathe much less eat ( to give you an idea of that time period, we sold 19 homes in the month of July last year : I have never experienced that before or since ). Finally in the afternoon of that day things slowed down so Jeff and Sophia ran to grab a sandwich which left me alone in the model. I remembered I had some rosemary flank steak in the refrigerator so I went to get a piece of it and headed back to my office.
At this same time unbeknownst to me a young family from Celina were driving north on Independence. They came to town to bring their saxophone to be repaired. Out of the blue the father said “ Hey let’s go look at this model over here” He quickly turned left on to Sumac and parked in front of our model.
As I was about to take a bite of my steak I heard the door chime so I went to greet the family. They told me they just wanted to run through the house, that they lived in Celina and were not going to move but “just decided “ to stop here. I told them to look around then went back to my office and took a bite of the steak. As I swallowed, or attempted to, I knew something was wrong. I couldn't swallow all the way. I tried to cough but couldn't and grabbed my water to take a drink but when I did the water just came back out of my mouth. I was choking . Running to the kitchen I tried to dislodge the food but couldn't. My plan was to go to the bathroom but by this point I knew I didn’t have time, I needed help. I couldn't breathe and then I tried to scream but no sound came out. Nothing , I was terrified . At this point I began to panic and started to stomp my heels on the wood floors hoping the family could hear me. They were upstairs so I ran to the stairs trying to go up but collapsed on the second stair. I then tried to crawl up but I was so frantic that I wasn’t making any progress . I really thought I was going to die at this point BUT then I heard the man say in a calm voice that he was coming to help me. He then performed the Heimlich and dislodged the food . I immediately began to cry uncontrollably and tried to stand but felt dizzy . They told me to sit and they cleaned up the mess I made. It was the one of the scariest experiences I've ever had. Choking, not able to breathe, not able to speak. The wife then looked at me and said I was really lucky because her husband , the man who saved me, was a first responder. The husband then said as he was driving on Independence he just felt prompted to stop at the Highland model, when they left that morning they had no intention to look at new homes they weren’t even in the market . But all of the sudden he “just decided” to stop. We were all blown away by the timing. No one else was there or came in during my close call. It was such an emotional experience and I see how God worked through them to save me. I still get chills as I think about it. Some of our home buyers walked in as I was sitting on the stairs crying , they were very concerned because they could tell I was so upset and they all knew that I had just lost Alexis. I assured them I was okay but as I was talking with them I noticed the family was gone, they left as fast and quietly as they came. I didn’t even get a name. Sometimes I wonder if it was a family of angels sent to protect me . But either way when it is my time and I do get to Heaven I will thank him and his family as well as the lady from the benefits office of Garland I SD. Both these people saved my life. All I know is God isn’t done with me yet and HE still has a purpose for my life or I wouldn’t be here. Thank you Jesus : ))

Rebuilding My Life and Laying a Strong Foundation

The other day I noticed the trailer we lived in after I got out of prison was for sale. It is on Parker Rd close to the Sonic near Country Club and I pass it each day on my way to work . It was kind of bittersweet to see that For Sale sign because I have a lot of memories there. It is where we started over and were reunited as a family . Since Warner and I both had criminal records it was hard to find a place to rent but after he searched and searched he found this place. He had been working at Albertsons while I was in prison and living with his parents. All he did was save money so when the day came he could pay the rent for almost a year in advance. Before I got out he told me he had finally found a place that would accept us and I felt blessed because I knew he had experienced multiple rejections. As I have said before prison humbled me and although this trailer was much different than anyplace I had ever lived I was very thankful for it but at the same time I was embarrassed that this is where my life had ended up so I kept my distance from others. Those first months out of prison were a time of solitude. I got out in June and the kids participated in the Wylie Wave so they were gone all day and Warner was working. Part of the condition of my parole was wearing a leg monitor and contrary to popular belief among my inmate friends the leg monitor was very strict . I couldn’t leave the trailer , not even step onto the front porch, unless I had approval from my parole officer. The only situations approved to leave the trailer were for a job interview, parole appointment, AA/NA, or church. I reported every two weeks to parole and if I wanted to leave the house in the next two week time period I needed a detailed schedule with appointments made. I am not a detailed kind of person now or then. My license was suspended and I didn’t have a car so needless to say I spend a lot of time alone in that trailer in the summer of 2003. But in hindsight I see that it was good that I had to sit and be still. I was an escapist , I always had been from the time I was a teenager and would drive around aimlessly for hours just to escape the loneliness of my home where my mother was always passed out. Being in that home was so oppressive that I had to get away. I always felt I needed to be on the go. This coping skill carried over into my adulthood. It was not healthy because I would basically run away so I didn’t have to face whatever I had come against. As I would be on the go I could pretend my life was different . In 2003 I was forced to be still and stay when every ounce of me wanted to run because I knew if I left I would go back to prison and I didn’t want that. The monitor was that strict. I faced the reality of what I had done and I faced the consequences of my actions. In prison I was in a survivalist mode , in the trailer I learned how to live with the way things were for probably the first time in my life. Learning that the changes I wanted in my life would take time, that I had to rebuild my life one day at a time. For the first time ever I began laying a strong foundation to build upon , ironically in a trailer that had none. There were times I would begin to feel sorry for myself but in those moments I would remember sweating on the pig farm, cleaning the slabs, and feeding the pigs in the hot Texas sun then going back to my unit and laying on the hard concrete floor trying to cool off with the small fan I had bought on commissary blowing hot air on me. Those memories always changed my attitude to gratitude and I was thankful for where I was. The time in this trailer taught me a lot and God used those years to mold and prepare me . Those memories tug at my heart because they all include Alexis but I will wipe away the tears and thank God for the work HE did in me through those times. Each day I pass so much of my life on Parker Rd, it is where I began to live again and where Alexis Rose to be with Jesus.

Don't Compare Yourself To Others

As I drove home yesterday I began to think about a girl that I used drugs with, I really don’t know what happened to her or her family but for a while we spent a lot of time together. It was basically a friendship rooted in drugs which is never good but as I thought of her and some of our antics it made me think of this quote. : 
“If you compare yourself to others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.” ― Max Ehrmann, Desiderata: A Poem for a Way of Life. 
At that time in my life I compared myself to a lot of people including her and I was deceptive enough to only compare myself to people further along in their addiction so that my use didn’t seem so bad. She was a mess and her life was out of control so when twinges of conscience would suddenly ding in my mind about what I was doing I would shoot them down by comparing myself to people worse off than myself. With each comparison I justified my drug use and as I got worse than those I was comparing myself to I would find someone new until I was in such bondage I didn’t care. Satan had such power in my life and I listened to his voice which for so long said “ Susan, you don’t have a problem look at “ insert name”, that is what a drug addict looks like. You are doing fine and you even quit drinking to boot. Pat yourself on the back . You are doing great” It all sounded good and positive but it was straight from hell and a lie. Satan knew if he could just keep me using he would finally have complete control which he did. Thank God I wasn’t destroyed and my eyes were finally opened to the truth. Don’t compare yourself to others, don't do it; you are you, and that's fine. If you want to improve something about yourself, do so, but don't look at others’ lives to do it. If you feel that your life is out of control just look in the mirror and ask God to reveal the truth to you. Begin to make the changes to a better you. Do it one step at a time because your life didn’t crumble in a day. It takes time to rebuild but it can be done and you can see the progress along the way . And one day you can look back and compare yourself to the old you and see how far God has brought you. That is the most amazing feeling of all to see God’s amazing grace unfolding in your life. It happened to me.

Galations 6: -5 Make a careful exploration of who you are and the work you have been given, and then sink yourself into that. Don’t be impressed with yourself. Don’t compare yourself with others. Each of you must take responsibility for doing the creative best you can with your own life.

July 3, 1971

Today is the anniversary of my first vivid memory, every other memory before this day is a flash in my mind.  Pictures that surface and dissipates as fast as they come. I try my best to capture those memories but sadly they remain elusive. But July 3, 1971 is as clear as if it happened yesterday. I was in the water at our lake house on Cedar Creek Lake about to ski . I can still feel the water on my legs and picture the slalom  ski with blue and red flowers on it.  

 This is the pier and where I was in the water when my parents were told

Mother and Daddy were sitting under the green and white umbrella that sat atop our white table on the pier ready to watch me. As I was untangling my ski rope a man walked out onto our pier. His name was Joe and he had a lake house down the street with a telephone. A telephone at a lake house was a luxury in 1971 and he was the only who had one in  Isle A Veiw II, the community our lake house was located. 

The lakehouse- It has remained the same

Somewhat curious about this visit I watched him as he stopped and talked to my parents.  The lake was full of boats and people for the 4^th of July weekend so I couldn’t hear what he was saying.  All I remember is him bending down somewhat reluctantly and talking to momma and daddy.  Momma collapsed.  There was then a flurry of action and I got out of the water.  People seemed to be panicked and I wondered what had happened.  I remember a knot of fear developing in my stomach because I knew something was terribly wrong. Momma was a mess, daddy was remote, and I didn’t know what had happened.  It is not clear in my mind when I learned the devastating news that my 18 year old brother David had committed suicide at our home in Dallas. He had taken one of daddy’s guns and shot himself in the head in his bedroom.

My next memory is riding in the backseat of Norman and Barbara’s (family friends who had a lake house near ours) car on the way back to Dallas. Norman was driving because my parents couldn’t.  Our lives changed forever that day. My parents NEVER recovered. Although I don’t really remember our life before that day I believe that was the act that destroyed us as a family.  As I remember momma and daddy on the pier waiting to watch me ski, I remember them loving me, being proud of me, and paying attention to me. In my memory I felt loved, adored, and cherished.  Those are my feelings when I think of those moments before Joe talked to them.  I cling to those warm feelings because my parents changed so much after that moment. They slowly retreated further and further away from me.  David’s suicide was an action that had devastating effects for years to come. I’m sure David didn’t realize the impact that one choice would make on so many people. As I look back I can see the snowball effect his suicide had wreaking havoc on those left behind.  What is so sad to me is that I don't remember David in life at all. When I picture him I see him in the casket with the faint blue bruise concealed by makeup . The mark where the bullet entered. I wish I had more memories but here is a photo I found.

It has been 42 years since David died and I am so thankful that I not only survived, sometimes only by the skin of my teeth, but in the past years have begun to thrive. This anniversary made me think about choices and their consequences. We need to remember that every choice we make carries with it certain consequences.  Sometimes, we get lucky and avoid the worst consequences that could happen, but sometimes we don't. As I thought about this I was mainly thinking about David’s choice to kill himself and those consequences that affected all of us but in time I thought of my parents’ choice to never move on. And that was a choice they made. They chose to deny, numb, and hide. Their choices destroyed their lives and almost destroyed mine as well. So as I have said so many times before when tragedy comes , as it will,  we have a choice. We can walk in bitterness and self-pity or we can look to God for our comfort walking in compassion and love.  VERY thankful today that I now choose to cling to God walking in the freedom only HE provides knowing there is always hope even in our darkest moments.  

July 2002

As July approaches it takes me back in time reminding me of all that has happened in this month throughout the years both good and bad. July is when David committed suicide and when I was arrested and sent to prison but it is also when I got clean from drugs and alcohol and when I got married. July is full of a lot of pain but it is full of joy as well. As I was thinking about this on my drive to work this morning I began to think about my sobriety date and the days right before. Those days prior to July 15, 2002 were crazy drug filled days. Let me take you back. When I think back to the insanity of that time I feel so blessed to be clean and very thankful I survived it in one piece. 
It was July 9, 2002 and I was driving home to Rockwall after taking Alexis to Wylie to visit a friend. My life was out of control and I had gotten a new possession charge in Dallas on June 5 but just couldn’t or wouldn’t quit using. In my warped mind I thought I could work it all out handling ten years of probation and be a drug addict as well. What was I thinking? 
I was in line at the Jack in the Box on Ridge Road ordering an Ultimate Cheeseburger which was a staple of my diet during this time when my cell phone rang. As I looked at the number I knew it was my probation officer so I reluctantly answered wondering why she would be calling me. Prior to this she had always been very kind to me but during this conversation she was short and terse. She told me I needed to report for a UA ASAP, I lied and said I was at work but would come later then quickly hung up. (for weeks I had lied about having a job getting up each morning pretending to go to Sylvan Learning Center, it was just insane. I had been hired there but quit showing up because the drugs were more important) . The night before my father who was in a drunken stupor told me he had called my probation officer telling her I had a new charge and was using but I didn’t believe him because I thought he was just drunk. I didn’t think he would do that to me but after the call I knew it was true. Paranoia and fear overcame me and I drove to my dad’s house in Chandler’s Landing. As I ran into the house he was sitting at the table and I asked him if he really called her and he nodded yes. For once he wasn’t critical, he just looked so scared and broken. I began to cry telling him I was going to be arrested and that this was really bad. In a way I felt bad for him because he looked so upset, he would not have done that sober .I will never forget that moment of us just looking at each other. I told him I had to get out of town because I was scared they would be coming to arrest me any minute. Gathering some things I called a friend from Kilgore to come get me and take me there. I had a car in Kilgore that I had loaned to a girl from rehab. Daddy gave me some money and I left.
This is when the insanity spiraled out of control. Drugs do that. It is even hard to think about these days. When I got to Kilgore and a hold of the girl who had the car I learned it had been stolen by some meth cooks. I was warned that I would be hurt badly if I even attempted to turned them in. I went by this girls house to ask more questions about my car and she got very defensive and started punching me in the face. I just began to cry. The next days were spent with some very scary and violent drug people trying to find my car. During that time my dad turned off my cell phone so I was at the mercy of these people. There were guns, violence, and just mayhem. By June 14 I was worn out and had accepted the fact I wasn't going to find my car . All I knew was I needed to get away from these people so I called the person who had picked me up from Rockwall. She used drugs but she was not as far gone as the others I had been around. Thankfully she said I could come to her house and I did. Now I needed to figure out a way to get back to Rockwall. The mother of a guy I had been in rehab with bought me a bus ticket from Kilgore to Terrell and drove me to the bus stop. As the bus pulled out of Kilgore I looked out the window then closed my eyes thankful I was on my way home. I wasn't sure what awaited me and I didn't really care I just wanted to get out of there………

The bus ride was uneventful. I had never ridden on a bus before other than the chartered buses to go snow skiing to Wolf Creek with the YMCA when I was younger. Those trips were fun, this ride just seemed lonely , depressing and hot. It was Sunday July 14 and I had to report to probation on Thursday July 18. I had used earlier that morning but I knew ( or thought I knew) I was going to have a UA at that appointment so I decided I had to stay clean. I thought if I passed my UA my probation officer might work with me and not give me a probation violation. This probation stuff was new to me and I didn’t know what to expect which was probably a blessing because if I would have known the second I set foot in my PO’s office I was going to be arrested I probably would not have gone and would have become a fugitive. My ignorance was bliss at this time. THE LAST TIME I EVER USED ANY SORT OF DRUG OR ALCOHOL WAS ON JUNE 14, 2002! My intention was not to get clean because I thought it would be better for my life , for my family, or for my kids. I was completely selfish as most drug addicts are, my only motive was to get clean to pass a UA then my plan was to use again but it didn’t work out that way. So although my intention at the time wasn’t to remain clean my sobriety date is July 15,2002 none the less. 

As the Greyhound pulled into Cowboys Quick Stop on Highway 80 in Terrell I stood up and got off the bus. I honestly don’t remember how I got from Terrell to Rockwall . All I remember is walking into my dad’s house and him sitting in the same place he was when I left. There were tons of empty packs of cigarettes, overflowing ashtrays, and bottles of vodka some full , some empty. He was coughing and very drunk barely able to hold his head up. Concerned I asked him how long he had been coughing like that and he said it hadn’t been too long. I wasn’t sure what to think but I had things to do. On some level I think I knew by Thursday when I went to probation my life was going to drastically change. After my relapse the kids spent a lot more time in Wylie with their grandparents but I went to get them and they stayed with me for a couple of days. It seemed Daddy’s health continued to decline. I tried to see if he had a temperature but he would argue with me so I didn’t really know what to do. By Wednesday I had this overwhelming feeling I needed to get him to the hospital. It was something I HAD TO DO no matter how much he protested. It took me back to when I was a teenager and I would have to load mother in my car and take her to the hospital because she was going through delirium tremens. In both situations my parents were argumentative, drunk, and would not cooperate me. It made me incredibly sad. But somehow I was able to get him to Lake Point and in the ER and it was good I did because he had pneumonia and was critically ill. He was admitted and they settled him into a room. This process had taken hours so I left and went back to the house. I made the decision to go see him before my probation appointment the next morning and I did. I’m so very grateful for that because it would be my last time to see him for a very long time.

I’m still amazed at God’s hand in all of this. I was a strung out drug addict worried only about me but somehow HE got my attention off myself and onto my father. If I wouldn’t have taken daddy to the hospital that day I believe he would have died. He spent six months in the hospital and almost died under medical care. I got arrested when I went to see my probation officer on July 18, I didn’t even have to give a UA. Rockwall County immediately filed to revoke my probation. They were locking me up with no chance for bail and I was on my way to prison.. There was no one else to take daddy to the hospital , no one to check on him to see if he was okay. He had severed all his ties and relationships because of his alcoholism. There was just me. In my opinion he would have died alone in that house. 
Another thing that was amazing about God orchestrating all of this had to do with the house . Daddy was not handling his finances and things were worse than I had ever thought . He was losing his home. Once the home got foreclosed on there was nowhere to live. I too had cut ties and severed all my relationships. I would have had nowhere to go. God was watching out for me. With jail and prison he changed my heart and gave me a place to live. It was really a blessing and I see it for that and thank him continuously. 
Towards the end of Daddy’s life I thanked him for calling my probation officer and turning me in. He was somewhat surprised but that drunken act by my dad probably saved my life . His motives were to hurt me at the time because he was angry but God turned it all around and blessed my whole family through it. So as we approach the 4th of July I will celebrate the freedom that Jesus Christ has provided me. I was thinking of all that has happened since 2002 and the horrific events of that summer. Yesterday I thought about the fact that back then I still had Alexis and Daddy and how much I miss them but I still have more peace and joy today despite the circumstances of losing my father and daughter then I did when I was so very lost. It is really amazing to feel that and I know that only comes from God so I thank HIM for it.