A Ray of Hope

The last couple of days I have been somewhat down. I really couldn’t figure it out and I hate feeling that way because for the most part I am upbeat and positive. Maybe it was because for the last month I was very busy sharing my story and that is my passion to share how God can transform a life. Sunday was the culmination of that , it was a huge day and I felt as if I was soaring . It is hard to describe but it is a natural high. Speaking to others and sharing my story is when I am in my sweet spot, I feel as if I am on top of the world. Sometimes after it is over there is a letdown I guess. Maybe that is what I have been experiencing. This morning I still felt a little sad and as I left for work I thought about 9/11/01. I was in rehab in Overton, Texas and I will never forget walking down the hall to Big Group, our morning meeting. Andy , who was in charge of horticulture therapy, was watching TV in the break room. This was strange because televisions were never on in the morning, we had no access to outside information and could only watch TV at specified times and it was usually movies that were rented once a week. The look on his face is frozen in my mind as I walked up to him and asked him what was wrong. There were tears in his eyes and he just shook his head in silence and sadness. Moments later all the residents were called to an emergency meeting and we were told what had happened. We were all in shock and emotions ran high because in times of tragedy and despair you want to be able to hold your loved ones close to you but because of our choices we couldn’t . All classes were cancelled for the day and a few of us went to pray around the flagpole. As those memories came rushing back I became a little sadder as I remember my children didn’t have their Mother or Father there to comfort them that day , that must have been so very frightening to a young child. I drove down Parker Rd and waved at Alexis’ memorial, as I always do , telling her I missed her. As I passed the crash site I did a double take because it seemed as if the roses were blooming again but I wasn't sure. This drought has been relentless and the roses died long ago . My prayer has been for them to bloom again. There is no water at the site so we take gallons every now and then to nourish the plants but it has just been so dry it seemed as if our efforts were futile. But in that moment there was a ray of hope. I quickly pulled into the Lighthouse Baptist Church’s parking lot and turned around to go back to the site. As I pulled over I could see tiny glimpses of red, it was as if they were sparkling in the sun. I jumped out of my car and ran to the cross. Sure enough the roses were beginning to bloom again, showing the signs of new life. My sadness was replaced with hope in that moment. Once again HIS glory met my suffering in the place where I experienced the toughest loss of all. HE is always AMAZING !!

The root of bitterness, contempt, and anger.

Hebrews 12 : 15 Look after each other so that not one of you will fail to find God’s best blessings. Watch out that no bitterness takes root among you, for as it springs up it causes deep trouble, hurting many in their spiritual lives.

Seeds of bitterness, contempt, and resentment can destroy your life. Left unattended they will grow out of control choking and killing all the good seeds that are trying to take root. I honestly believe those emotions can be the most destructive, hardening your heart and changing who you are.

The other day I was talking with a friend who has had a lot going on and has really been struggling. She told me she is bitter, angry, and has a lot of resentment right now. She said she knew that was wrong but it was just the way she felt. My heart broke for her and I have been praying for that bitterness to not take root.  The situation got me to thinking about how dangerous bitterness, anger , and resentment are in our lives. They can destroy us and I believe Satan uses those seeds successfully to stop us from living the life God has planned for us.  There were instances in my life where those  emotions almost got the best of me but by the grace of God I was able to stop them from spreading. The key is getting to the root of it, if we don’t cut it off at the root it will come back. The first time those emotions began to arise within me was after mother started a fire in the house at the end of my senior year. She caused a scene and for the first time the neighbors knew something was terribly wrong with her. I had spent  the majority of my junior and all of my senior year trying to hide my mother’s alcoholism, which had progressively gotten out of control, but now everyone knew. I was horrified and embarrassed.   After the fire trucks left that everyone went back in their homes.  Mother,  who was very inebriated , went back into the house. She was so out of it she wasn’t even aware of what had happened.  She was wearing my pink fuzzy robe because she had been found naked and passed out in the living room. I watched her as she stumbled down the hall wondering what she would do next.  She went to her room which only had a bed frame because the fire ruined the mattress but she didn’t realize that the mattress was gone. She repeatedly  tried  to make the bed with sheets but would fall into the frame because there was no mattresses. After she would fall she would get back up and try again only to fall into the frame over and over.

 I was an 18 year old child at the time standing in the doorway to her room observing her. For the first time ever I hated her. Bitterness and resentment started to rise within me as I laughed at her with contempt. I can picture my younger self perfectly, wearing my cheerleading uniform for the very last time. It was the day of the red and blue game, the last time I would ever cheer. It was the end of so many things although I didn’t realize it at the time. But as those emotions of anger , bitterness, and resentment began to take over I hated the feeling within me and for some reason  my heart was softened. The next time mother fell I ran to help her and took her to my old bedroom and tucked her in. It was as if I was the mother and she was the child.  Throughout that night I continually checked on her to make sure she was okay . At the time I didn’t think much about it but I am very grateful that my heart was softened in that moment, I believe without my understanding God cut  the bitterness and contempt off at the roots where mother was concerned.  Two weeks later she would be gone and although my last words were “Get the _____ out of my room , I wish you were dead”  my feelings were different. They were not said with contempt , they were said out of hurt and pain .  The aftermath of that tragic day crippled me  for decades but it would have been much different if I was bitter , angry , and resentful. That would have been a totally different road to travel then the one of guilt and shame. None of those emotions are healthy but honestly I am thankful  that I didn’t go down that road.  Thank you Jesus for saving me from myself .

Ready For Hope Part III

Here is Part III of my interview on Ready For Hope, if you missed it and want to see it you can watch it here. Thank you Deanne and Bob for having me on your show. What a blessing it was to meet you both:))

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Ready For Hope Part II

Here is the second part of the interview. Please tune in tonight for part 3 :)

WATCH NOW! Susan survived #suicide #alcoholism #drugabuse #prison death of a child http://t.co/nVmg4kvaOh http://t.co/0aLQXIZk78

— Ready For Hope Radio (@BobWidner) August 26, 2013

Ready for Hope Part 1

Here is the first part of my interview on Ready For Hope . Please tune in next week as we finish my story and if you missed last night you can watch it here. So very blessed by this opportunity !!

http://readyforhope.com/