A Journey through my past

Last week I spoke at the Dallas International Street Church and as I drove west on I-30 it was as if I was taking  a journey through my past  because I pass so many landmarks of my youth.  I had to exit before I approached Bucker because there was a bad wreck. The sound of sirens , the sight of police cars, firetrucks, and ambulances always takes my breath away reminding me of Alexis. Saying a prayer for all involved I looked around the stalled traffic on the service road and saw I was at the Mesquite Inn and Suites.

Immediately I went back in time to the insanity of my addiction and how gripping it was. The motel appeared the same as it did back in 1999 with the blue roof and white stucco walls . I thought back to the last time I was there. The last and only time I was at The Mesquite Inn DEA agents stormed through the door of the room I was in wearing full gear and throwing me to the ground with a gun to my head. They were after my friend and arrested him for manufacturing BUT after interviewing us both they let me go. I didn't deserve it , I knew what he was doing and I had even brought him supplies but the agents didn't know that . My friend said I didn't have anything to do with it. They searched me and my car . After finding nothing I was allowed to leave. Shaking with fear I drove away but almost immediately took for granted the huge blessing I had just received , that near arrest with a rifle at my forehead was not enough to scare me straight because before I got home I was trying to find a new dealer. As the memories of that day washed over me I remembered the bondage that imprisoned me and I thanked God for freeing me. In that moment I felt the presence of the Lord so strongly and felt HIS power to go share my story . That is why I love sharing HIS grace because at one time I was so lost but HE invaded my life after I finally answered HIS call breaking the chains that had bound me for so long and healing my life . He can do that for anyone no matter who they are, where they're from, what they've done or what they do if they will only allow him in. The nervousness I felt left in that instant and I knew HE was with me ready to speak through me to bring hope to the hopeless and hurting. He is no respecter of persons.

The rest of the drive I listened to "The Stand" by Hillsong singing these words "So I'll stand. With arms high and heart abandoned In awe of the One who gave it all. 
So I'll stand My soul Lord to You surrendered All I am is Yours"

I was humbled as I finished my testimony and Pastor Karen closed the service. She said "You may have been through some hard times but this girl (me) has gone through so much and look what God has done " The audience agreed . We were all so different but yet the same . And then I was approached and encouraged by many who had listened . My heart was so touched I just hugged them and prayed . 
 

Actions speak louder than words and your body language speaks volumes.

Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth.” 1 John 3:18NIV

Actions speak louder than words  and  your body language speaks volumes.  Children of all ages are so perceptive.  You may say or refrain from saying something verbally but if your body screams  it non verbally and it is negative the damage is the same . I know because I have felt both by reading others body language. Your actions both direct and indirect will reveal what you think and feel.

When I taught in Amarillo I taught children who were rejected by their classmates and by some teachers as well. They were ridiculed, shunned, and sometimes simply ignored as if they didn't matter. By the time they got to me they were beaten down, hopeless, bitter, and most often a behavior problem. I was a new teacher and was unsuccessful at reaching them at first and no work was getting done. So I changed my tactics. It dawned on me that I wouldn't want to do any work either if I walked in those doors of that school every day and felt rejection. So I set out to get to know each student because I felt I needed to  truly care about them  and you can't really care about someone you don't know. You can but I needed to develop a relationship with them.  So I reached out and my heart changed as they shared their lives, often heartbreaking lives and relationships were built. Not long after that I saw them through different eyes and they knew I really cared and in turn they cared about me . Once that bridge of relationship was built and strong enough I was able to hold them accountable for their work . And they began to work for me. It was hard because I made it my goal to let EACH ONE know I cared for them.  Some of them were hard to like but I knew if they got on my nerves the chances  were high they were driving everyone else crazy because I was pretty laid back:)  But I knew  if I searched hard enough I could find something I liked . That if I searched hard enough I would see the best  in them because we see what we look for whether the best or the worst . It was important to genuinely care because they would know if I was faking it. As I said before children of all ages are so very  perceptive regardless of their intellect. Although I didn't know God at the time he did a tremendous work using the pain , rejection , and neglect from my past as well as my popularity in school to  enable me to reach them and have compassion. Because although my home life was filled with rejection and neglect  I found acceptance at school . I knew how important it was to feel accepted somewhere and to belong. I tried to create that for them and I was successful  at the least for the time they were with me. In a way that became my teaching  philosophy to create a place where students  feel that  they matter ,are  accepted, and that they belong so learning can take place:)) I don't know  if I made a lasting difference in their life because it was students in Amarillo that I saw in prison. All I know is when they came running up to me that day they were happy to see me although surprised that I was an inmate too. One day the officer who guarded the school where GED classes took place and where I worked in the library told me one of the inmates said that I was a very good teacher that I was her favorite teacher. This officer  was usually harsh and cold with me but that day she spoke to me nicely and seemed to look at me through different eyes after that. She seemed to see the best in me and treated me with a little more kindness, I could see it in her expressions and her body language . It felt good to feel accepted by her even though I was an inmate. It felt good for someone to see the best in me at the worst part of my life.  

Let them fall ! Let them fail ! In doing so they may soar later.

Let people fail! Let people fall! In doing so they may soar later. When we run to their rescue , interfering with the natural consquences to their choices we limit them.  Most likely they will fall harder and further later on . Negative things happen in life and we HAVE to learn to respond to them in responsible ways.  Let the chips fall where they may.  We learn valubale lessons from the consequences of our and others actions both postive and negative. 

 As I drove to work today I was thinking about thinking: ))  Well I was really thinking about how the mind works and the thought process changes as a result of consequences. As I turned left onto Ballard Street from Highway 78 I noticed Jimmy’s 3500 Dodge Ram Truck parked at his Farmers Insurance office, he got another one after the accident. I always look that way  so I can wave if he is outside. Usually his truck is the only vehicle there but today parked by  the recording studio next to his office  was a tan Buick, it looked a lot like Alexis’ car. It made me think of the accident and I wondered if  Jimmy thought about  it too so I said a little prayer for us both  and drove on down Parker road.  I was behind a truck going VERY slow and began to get irritated thinking about passing him. But as soon as that thought came I immediately thought back to Jimmy’s truck and the car that looked like Alexis’ which of course reminded me of the accident.  The idea of passing the truck was dismissed.  Even if I was running late, which I wasn’t, nothing was that important. Passing him was a dangerous risk on a dangerous road that I didn’t need to take. My experience of losing  my daughter Alexis affected my thinking and my choice. Alexis chose to speed that day and the consequence of that choice was the loss of her life. I probably would have passed him before she died. But my mind works differently now. I learned from the consequences of her choice that day.

A bit later I pulled up to the light at Parker and Country Club.   I immediately looked over at the Sonic drive to see if there was a motorcycle sheriff then I looked back down Country Club to see if one was parked there. It was after 9 so I knew I could turn right on red but since I got the ticket for turning right on red at the wrong time I look for Collin County Sheriff’s each day . Since that ticket , it cost me $285, I NEVER turn right on red before nine even when people behind me honk and  flip me off whether there is an officer or not.  I just smile in my rear view mirror and point to the sign and many times to the cops sitting there waiting. Before the ticket I didn’t think twice about that law, everyone broke it by turning right on red at all times, so I did too although the sign clearly says not to. But the consequence of the ticket changed my behavior and it has stuck. This ticket made me take an inventory and I want to strive to be the type of person that does the right thing whether anyone is watching or not . Even though I really don’t agree with that law ( I don’t see why we can’t turn right on red at all times there is a clear view), it is the law none the less and I need to obey it. When I approach that intersection I am always aware now because of the consequences of getting that ticket. This got me  thinking about natural consequences  to our choices and how so often  we try to intervene and save ourselves, our loved ones, and especially our children  from feeling any discomfort .  We try to save them from the trouble they have caused for themselves  when in reality the natural consequence might save them from more trouble later on.

I wonder what would have happened if back in May of 2002 when I got a ticket for drug paraphernalia  if I would have gotten arrested instead of just getting a ticket. I begged the officer to let me go promising that the paraphernalia was left over from when I used before ( which was a lie) . I cried and he relented. He was supposed to arrest me but he gave me a chance that I didn’t deserve .  I left got more drugs and in 9 days had a new felony charge. A misdemeanor ticket would not have revoked my probation but the felony possession charge did. I got in a lot more trouble later because I was spared from the trouble before with just the ticket. Maybe if I had been arrested that day my eyes would have been opened and I would have changed what I was doing.  Of course I am responsible for my actions and his kindness was thoughtful but sometimes we hurt people more by trying to protect them from the consequences of their choices. So I say let them fail, let them fall. Love them and be there for them but don’t save them from the choices they make. Don’t run to their rescue. I think if we let them fall now they may soar later  learning to confront their problems by acting responsibly and with acceptance instead of  thinking they will get out of their trouble with power and manipulation.

June 5, 2002- The Next Domino To Fall in the Chain of My Self Destruction

On June 5,2002  I got pulled over at LBJ and La Prada in Dallas, Texas .  I was with a friend from rehab and had just left the drug dealers house. It was about 10 p.m.  As the cops went to their car to run my license I knew I would be searched so I tried to eat part of the drugs I had . It was  extremely hard but I succeeded.

Although the baggies got stuck in my throat I was finally able to swallow them. As they went down the reality set in that I could OD on all these drugs. I had just left the dealer and had all kinds of drugs , I had meth for me and pills and coke that I got for someone else. I ingested a lot and what I didn't eat resulted in a possesion charge that was a state jail felony.   I was really scared because I didn't want to die but I didn't want to tell the cops I ate the evidence either so I just remained silent .

The cops arrested us and  took us to Mesquite city jail and impounded my father’s brand new Lexus that I was not supposed to drive. As I began to call my dad begging him to get me out of jail  he continually ignored my calls. The next day I was transferred to Dallas County Jail and began the arduous process of being booked in. As I was moved from holding cell to holding cell like a herd of cattle I would try and call my dad, he was all I had in this world and my only chance of making bail. He told me he was going to let me sit. But  finally after about 24 hours in Dallas County, before making it to a pod,  my name was called and I had made bail. As I stepped out into the hot Texas sun I looked up at the blue sky swearing I would never use again.  But I knew I was in a lot of trouble because now I had a new charge.

My vow of abstinence from using lasted for about 3 days. By then my 2 days in jail didn’t seem so bad and I went to the drug dealers. In my sick mind I thought I could figure it all out high but once high all I cared about was getting more drugs.  During this crazy time I spent a lot of time between Kilgore and Rockwall and I was about to have another close call, that would be the scariest of all. My life was out of control.

The Domino Effect after relapse : May 26, 2002 the first domino to fall

It was a little bittersweet when I graduated from NTTC in February of 2002.   I had been there six months and felt comfortable. I was a leader in the community and had made a lot of friends.  My self-esteem had been built up , I had lost a lot of weight ( which was very rare, most gain weight in rehab but somehow  I was a fat Meth addict: )  , and I felt ready to take on the world. The probation officers at the center thought of me as their shining star, they believed I was going to make it and I was determined not to let them down.  BUT still the real world seemed a little scary and I had doubts I could make it. My kids would be moving into my father’s house with me and we would be starting over. For six months I had only focused on me and my recovery with really no other responsibilities but that was about to change.

At the beginning things were wonderful.  Although rehab wasn’t jail we did not have any freedom. It was a court ordered rehab and if we left the facility or disobeyed the rules a warrant would be issued for our arrest. While there I probably witnessed 10 -15 arrested for various infractions, their county would come pick them up in shackles and chains. For most the next leg of their journey was prison.  So to be able to do as I pleased was so very liberating in every sense of the word.  Hailey and Alexis moved right in with me and Sammy came a few weeks later. Finally I had my kids back , Warner was still incarcerated. The kids started school in Rockwall and we were adjusting to our new life,  our new normal.

Living with my father was not a healthy choice and honestly it turned out to be a choice that ultimately changed the trajectory of my life.   At the time I didn’t think I had a choice but I did, I could have gone to a half-way house. Basically my choice was based on having the best materially. My dad had a beautiful home and the kids could go to the yacht club and swim but, as I had learned as a child but seemed to forget, material things do not make you happy.

My dad was very critical of me and when he was drunk, he was verbally abusive. He would have a glass full of vodka in his hand, look at me with disgust and throw it in my face.  He would say, “I wish you would have died instead of Kathey because she would have never embarrassed and humiliated me the way that you have.”  At the time, I believed I deserved that treatment with all my heart. It just compounded the shame and condemnation that I already felt about myself. My self-esteem slowly began to plunge.

Trying to find work after rehab was difficult also and part of that problem was pride, with thoughts like “I have a college education, I am not going to work there,” when faced with job prospects in food service or retail.

At the time, I was pretty clueless about how this felony was going to affect my life. I called about a potential job with Terrell ISD; the school was desperate for a substitute teacher for one very disruptive student. They told me to show up the next day and we could “take care of paper work later.” Despite my efforts to tell them about the felony, they were desperate to fill the position and assured me that it could be discussed at a later time.  The optimistic person that I am took that as a sign from God that I was going to start my new position and be so wonderful at it, they would overlook my 2nd degree felony conviction of manufacturing meth! (What alternate universe was I living in???)

After about three or four weeks of working I finally got to see an assistant superintendent (I was really trying to be honest and do the right thing). I will never forget sitting across his desk and describing what had happened. He looked me in the eye and said he didn’t think it would be a problem. I returned to the classroom with my one student thinking all was going to be fine. Later that afternoon, the principal and other administrators came to the door and escorted me to principal’s office. They let me know that I needed to leave the premises and they would not need my services anymore. This was one of the most humiliating experiences of my life, again shame and self-loathing washed all over me. Later I learned I would probably never teach again and that I would lose my teaching certificate because of the choices I had made. That news was heartbreaking because I had worked so hard to get my degree and I loved teaching. Hopelessness set in and I relapsed on meth. I had been clean for over a year but at the end of April 2002 I was using again.

The downward spiral happened fast. Within a week I was back to using every day and using more than I had before. The look on my children’s faces as I walked out of the bathroom, after being locked in there for what seemed like hours, breaks my heart. My son said, “Mom , it makes us think you are using again when you stay gone so long and lock yourself in the bathroom.” I lied to them, promised that I wasn’t using, but you could read the disbelief all over their sweet broken faces. By the end of May I was a total mess and my life was about to unravel again

On Sunday May 26, 2002, the day before Memorial Day ( of course ). I was back to using daily . I had gone to Kilgore to see a friend from rehab who I had relapsed with. The rules of probation were for us not to hang around other felons . At the time I thought that was stupid and pointless but now I see the why in that. I never went back with my old drug friends when I relapsed  it was with people I had been to rehab with. We were all just addicts so young in our recovery,  not strong enough to support each other outside of a structured environment. When one slipped it was so easy to fall with them and that is what happened. After getting high with my friends I  went home.

As I was driving back to Rockwall I needed gas but kept putting  it off and ran out in Lindale, Texas  off of I-20 and  saw no station in sight so I began to walk . After I had been walking awhile a man in an 18 wheeler pulled over . Excited about help I approached the truck but when he opened the door my heart skipped a beat and I was scared . He was rough looking and said get in, even in my altered state my gut told me I was in trouble. Looking around skittishly I didn't know what to do. Impatiently he said get in again and at that moment a DPS officer pulled up and asked if there was a problem. Not sure what to do because I had drugs on me but I was very scared of the man  in the truck so I told the trooper I ran out of gas and went with him. I was so nervous after getting gas he asked if he could search my car because I was acting suspicious. I predicted that would happen so I had the drugs on me and was able to dispose of them but I didn't get rid of my pipe and some basically empty baggies. He issued me a paraphernalia ticket. You would think this close call would have got my attention and I did  leave shaking but  when I got back to Rockwall I went and got more drugs immediately.

God saved me that day and tried to warn me with that ticket to get back on the right path but I chose the path of self-destruction. Not sure what would have happened if I got in that truck with that man but  red flags were flying frantically and I chose to go with a DPS officer while on probation for manufacturing meth, high, and with drugs on me so I was extremely  scared . That decision may have very well saved my life and if I would have heeded the warning that I know God gave me my life would have been simpler but I chose to continue to use and my life kept  spiraling downward at a fast rate.