Proverbs 14:12 There is a way that appears to be right, but in the end it leads to death.

Earlier I was thinking about how important it is to seek God’s will and wait for his voice when making decisions. It reminded me that every choice we make needs to line up with God’s word and if it doesn’t it is out of HIS will. It reminded me of how we, in our flesh, can twist, manipulate, rationalize ,and justify our choices  until they seem right in our twisted minds  but in the end it will lead to death because we are blinded by our own will and desires.

It reminded me of a situation that seemed so right at the time but it ended so very badly because although I started off trying my best to be honest in the end I tried to hide the truth. Let me take you back.

It was February of 2002 and I had just graduated (with honors I might add : )) from a 6 month court ordered rehab in Overton Texas.  I was excited about my new life; I was clean, sober, and determined to stay that way.  Being a felon was new to me so I didn’t know what to expect so I expected nothing. I thought my life would return to normal and I would just find another teaching job. After about a week of settling in at my dad’s house I set out to find a job substituting and started looking for a district. Garland ISD was out of the question  because they had fired me  the year before because of my drug charges, I think the Dallas Morning News article about me was slightly embarrassment to the district.  I thought Rockwall ISD might be a little too close for comfort since there had been a huge article in the Rockwall Herald Banner about the drug bust at my home and the sheriff  finding the meth lab and all so I decided to try another city.  I called Royce City ISD and  Terrell ISD.

When I got someone in HR in Terrell  it was kind of crazy because they were in immediate need for a substitute teacher  for one child who needed one on one supervision in each of his classes. I had called at what I thought was the perfect time and was hired to start the next Monday without filling out any paperwork.  This opened door surprised me so I thought I will tell them about the 2nd degree felony for manufacturing methamphetamine a little later. I thought this is a God thing: they will see what a wonderful teacher I am then will keep me in spite of the felony. This is God (even though I didn’t even know HIM then) opening a door for me. But the problem was I wasn’t being honest, I was trying to hide the truth  even if  just  for a little while. The hiding of the truth  did not line up with God’s word. I needed to make sure they knew all the facts up front because what ultimately happened is it all came tumbling down on me.

Finally after about a month or so of working I went to see the Assistant Superintendent to tell him about my charges. He told me it would probably be okay and I left with a smile on my face thinking this long term sub position was mine until the end of the year. Later when I was in the classroom with my one student three administrators walked into the room and asked me to come with them bringing all my belongings. I was then let go and escorted out of the building and told not to return.  I was devastated, heartbroken, and humiliated by this treatment.  The worthlessness I struggled with washed all over me again and I felt like a nothing. It was at this point I knew the chances of teaching again were very slim. It was a tough blow and I let it eat away at me. The worthlessness and  hopelessness I thought I had discarded jumped right back onto me and I would carry that debilitating baggage for years.    Soon after that  I relapsed , got a new charge, went to prison , etc.

If I would have made someone at the district listen to me at the very beginning and been totally honest the letdown would not have been so great . I would have basically just not got the job and I would have known it was because of my charges. I would not have experienced the humiliation of being escorted by administrators out the door . I would have not felt so personally rejected if I would have been honest to begin with. Since that  I have been totally upfront and honest with every job some I didn’t get and some others I did because they admired my courage and openness.

So although taking this job  without letting them know the truth seemed right  at the time in my messed up mind  it lead to death . It was not God’s will because I was not walking in truth. Since that experience I try my best to align my choices and what I think I am hearing from God with his word because I know I can get so terribly off in my own power. I also seek guidance from others that I respect because I know I have blind spots , WE ALL do so we need others speaking into our lives holding us accountable.  By no means do I do this right all the time and I have gotten hurt again when I have tried to twist God’s word and will to meet my own desires. I am just thankful he guides me back on track sometimes it is gentle and sometimes he has to throw a brick in my window to get my attention. I will share that story later.

Splendor in the Grass

Splendor in the Grass

 What though the radiance

 which was once so bright

 Be now for ever taken from my sight,

 Though nothing can bring back the hour

 Of splendor in the grass,

 of glory in the flower,

 We will grieve not, rather find

 Strength in what remains behind;

 In the primal sympathy

 Which having been must ever be;

 In the soothing thoughts that spring

 Out of human suffering;

 In the faith that looks through death,

 In years that bring the philosophic mind.

-- William Wordsworth

I can’t believe it has been a year since Alexis Rose to be with Jesus.  Last year I thought time would stand still when her life ended and I couldn’t imagine moving forward but I’ve learned that time not only flies when you’re having fun but when you’re grieving as well.  Through this grief her presence has comforted us  and I have seen, felt , and heard  her at times unexpected:  in a rose beginning to bloom, in a soft  gentle breeze, in hope and colors of a rainbow after a storm , in  the faint hoot of an owl ,  and in the melody of  her favorite songs.  There have been countless blessings from her to let us know she is at peace and watching over us.

I miss her so but her spirit lives on and there is no place that is more evident than in Riley. Riley’s connection with God has inspired me throughout this year. When I felt like giving up God would shine through Riley so very brightly giving me the courage and strength to take one more step or to just breathe. 

There have been so many milestones and celebrations this year:  With the death of Alexis Riley was considered an orphan because her father was absent. This broke my heart  but in September  Warner and I were granted temporary custody of her which eased our minds and we  decided to begin the adoption process,  Alexis was a registered donor and donated all she could to help others  because of this  there was a reception honoring those who gave the gift of life around Thanksgiving,   Alexis was  even part of the Rose Bowl  Parade where a rose was placed on the Journey of the Heart float in her honor , my friend Lisa Durbin Cortez got close up pictures ( even a photo of Alexis’ rose)  and sent me a tulip from the float ( she didn’t realize at the time how significant the tulip was to my Alexis Rose , so I knew Alexis was there ) , on March 1^st   ,which was Alexis’ 21^st birthday,  Warner and I finalized our adoption of Riley becoming her parents and changing her name to Riley Nicole Washington which was  something Alexis wanted more than anything,  and in April a beautiful memorial was donated by DLIS with a cross and three knock out rose bushes so we can always remember our vibrant Alexis Rose .

There was a photo taken of Riley dancing at the crash site as the men worked on the memorial behind her. This photo speaks volumes. This sweet precious child dancing with joy in the place where her mommy died was the perfect picture of redemption.  As I looked at this photo it reminded me of the Phoenix – the long lived bird from Greek mythology that obtains new life and is reborn by arising from the ashes of its predecessor.   Riley dancing in the same spot where Alexis rose to be with Jesus was just beautiful. She is the Phoenix.  Thinking of these blessings bring a smile to my face and joy to my heart.  That is how I want to spend this anniversary, looking for the good God has brought from her death.

 Riley dancing where her momma died

In March of last year Riley began staying with Jen Bernal ( I knew Jen from church but  I mostly knew her because of my relationship with her mother Twila,  which is another amazing God story in itself) .  I will never forget the day Alexis, Sammy, Riley, and I drove over there to meet her and discuss her watching Riley. Alexis was so excited because Jen had children for Riley to play with and there would finally be consistency. Of course now we know it was a divine appointment from God because of all that happened. Riley feels as if she belongs to their family. She fits right in and is so comfortable there. She feels and knows she is loved.  Jen and Richard have been a huge blessing to me throughout this past year offering their home for Riley whenever I needed it. God is so good.

As I thought about a memorial for Alexis’ I wanted it to be filled with hope, strength and courage.  And I wanted something tangible to represent that.  Jen created this for me and I will hand them out at the memorial tonight.  I think it captures the beauty that remains in the midst of our sorrow in such a stunning way.  She told me the five doves represent the losses I have experienced and ultimately overcome: the four smaller doves represent momma, daddy, Kathey, and David with the larger dove being Alexis.  Seeing Riley, seemingly without a care in the world, running through a field kissed by the newness of spring with her arms stretched out and opened to all that God has to offer brought tears to my eyes.  It is as if the doves of my sorrow are putting a hedge of protection around her. She shines with the vibrancy of youth and is surrounded by love and God’s spirit. There is no doubt in my mind that Riley will continue to SOAR on wings like eagles throughout her life. It is a blessing to me  that God chose me take this journey with her.

It has been a tough year but  through it all we have watched a little blue eye blonde not only survive but thrive and through this God has increased our faith  showing us what  the phrase FAITH LIKE A CHILD means. Riley has helped us accept the kingdom of God as a child.

Matthew 19:14

But Jesus called for the children, saying, “Let the little children come to me. Don’t stop them, because the kingdom of God belongs to people who are like these children.  17 I tell you the truth, you must accept the kingdom of God as if you were a child, or you will never enter it.”

June 7, 2012

There are moments which mark your life. Moments that you realize nothing will ever be the same. And time is divided into two Parts: Before this and after this. (I know I always use this quote but I keep having these moments)

This saying has fit my life so many time but never more than now. As I was praying this morning and crying out to God in my pain he told me to write, he told me to journal. He reminded me of all the Healing that has happened through my writing for me and for others. That touched my heart so I am going to process about the morning of June 7 and share my experience.

I had left for work about 8:30 and decided to stop at Wal-Mart in Rowlett to buy these new Rembrandt whitening dissolving strips for my teeth, lip liner, and some sweet mint Orbit gum. I ran into the store and left my phone in the car. After buying the items I went back to the car and surprisingly didn’t think about my phone. ( Normally I have my phone on a charger and connected to my stereo so I can listen to my Itunes but since my car broke down I am borrowing a car and had just basically set the phone under the dash ) As I started to drive off I could hear the vibration of my phone because I had it on silent so I grabbed it and saw it was a 469 number and answered. A man asked to speak to Susan Washington and I immediately thought he was a sales person or a creditor so I lied and said there wasn’t a Susan Washington at this number. He asked again if I was her and I said “No, who is this ?” and he said he was with the Wylie Police Department. That caught me off guard because the prefix was 469 and not a 972-442 number but I knew I needed to let him know it was me and I said “Oh I am Susan Washington I just thought you were a creditor or sales person “and then he asked if I had a daughter named Alexis Washington. My mind started to race, just random thoughts thinking she might have gotten in trouble or something but it was 8:30 in the morning so thoughts of what could this be kept bombarding my mind. He then said she was in a car accident and had been transported to the hospital and I asked if she was okay. He said he arrived on the scene after she left but that it was a bad accident. I freaked out and he kept asking if I was okay and I said yes. We hung up and I called Melanie and I know she could hear the fear in my voice. She wanted me to call Ramonne or Cheri to drive me but I was already on my way so I just overlooked that. I asked her to call Jeff , my boss, and tell him because I work alone on Thursdays so there would be no one to open the model. We hung up and I was trying to figure out where the hospital was , I just couldn’t remember. I normally don’t go toll roads but did that day. I called Sammy and spoke to him telling him I didn’t know how she was but to meet me at the hospital, I called Hailey but didn’t reach her, then called Warner and told him letting him know I would call when I got there. My mind was still racing and I began to wonder how she was transported. I had to know. So I called the police back and asked if she was transported by ambulance or helicopter and he replied ambulance. For some reason that made me think she was okay because if it was really bad they would have called Care Flight. So in a way I kind of felt peace that she was okay. As I drove on I called Angela because I knew I had taken her to see her dad at the Medical Center Plano and I thought it was at 15th and Coit. I just wasn’t processing good and wasn’t sure about this hospital. Lastly I called Jill , I didn’t get her but she called right back and I told her Alexis was in a car wreck, she asked if it was on Parker Road and I said “Yes why do you know that?” Her housekeeper had come upon it and I asked what she said. I don’t remember how she replied but I remember it scaring me because she had heard of the accident. Finally I arrived at the hospital and frantically tried to find the emergency room. After asking directions I sped to the parking lot and parked. The security guard who patrolled came and yelled at me to slow down and I told him I was sorry breaking down into tears.

Then I ran into the ER and asked to see my daughter, that I had been told she was transported there. They told me to walk through the doors. I went through and started looking for Alexis but they stopped me and told me to go sit in this little room and that a nurse would be with me in a moment.

I kept screaming is she okay and they just said a nurse would be with me. I was freaking out and alone, I have always been alone when my loved ones died : with mother, daddy, and now Alexis. I was told of Kathey’s death over the phone. So I paced in this little room waiting for the nurse who finally came in and said a doctor needed to speak to me. My heart stopped for a second and I just kept praying believing she was okay that maybe he just had to prepare me to see her because of external injuries or something. So I just waited for the doctor and it seemed like an eternity. He came in and asked me to sit down. He told me the wreck was really bad and they lost her at the scene but I think he said they got her heart beat back for awhile ( I was hopeful again) but he said the internal injuries were too severe and she was gone. I screamed. People in the waiting room told Shelby they hoped I was okay because I was screaming and I am sure that is when I screamed the loudest. My phone went off with a text from Sammy saying he was there. And I didn’t know how I was going to tell him Alexis was gone. They were so close in age there was a twin like connection. So again I just waited for my baby to come to me. Then Hailey started calling and I ignored her calls by the advice of the nurse knowing I needed to tell Tony’s mother . I couldn’t say this to Hailey over the phone. l think I screamed again not knowing what to do just waiting for my Sammy who I needed so desperately but I did not want to deliver this news. It was just surreal.

Sammy’s facial expression of concern as he walked in will forever be etched on my mind. He looked imploringly at me and asked “How is she?”. I began to cry and said she is gone. He screamed “NO” and began to fall apart. Shelby was right behind him and said “No , NO, NO” and we all cried together. This is where it gets all confusing. I think I called Mel to tell her Alexis had died and I think I called Jill also. I just remember at some point Jill was there, then my Hailey arrived. Jeff, my boss, had also come and he was a great support to me. It was just a horrible moment of grief, gut wrenching cries as we clung to each other. Warner was on his way and I think he knew, not sure on that. Everything was a blur. My pastor Keith was there, Jake the youth pastor, Lynn the equipping pastor and my dear friend Patti Ramsey and Angela who is like a daughter to me. As I said this was all a blur.

All I knew is I wanted to see my baby, I felt as if I had to see her. The nurse was trying to prepare me because there was a lot of blood but I didn’t care. We began to walk down the hall to the room Alexis was in and I began to slow down. Fear started to rise within me and I didn’t know if I could take it. The nurse and Jill hugged me and said I didn’t need to see her if I felt I couldn’t . So I decided to wait and returned to the little room where we were all gathered.

The next thing that happened or at least I believe happened was Two DPS Officers who arrived on the scene wanted to talk to me so we went to another room. At this time it was Me, Jill, and my Pastor Keith. They said Alexis was traveling at a high rate of speed and lost control on the curve, as she over corrected she veered into the oncoming traffic and a red 3500 Dodge truck impacted her on the passenger side. She went into the grass by the cabinet shop and I think died instantly. If I am correct they said she was revived briefly but the damage was too severe. I asked the troopers about the man who was driving the truck wondering if he was injured and they said his knees were hurt a little but that was it. Thankful he was okay I asked them to tell him I was thinking and praying for him and not to feel any guilt, it was just a tragic accident. I never want anyone to feel guilty; I knew how it felt to carry the burden of undeserved guilt. It can destroy you. . We then returned to the room and I decided to go see my Rosebud, this time I would make it there. I just had to see her.

Mustering up all the strength and courage that I could I began to walk down that stark white hall again, the memories that surfaced in my mind were of the recurring nightmare I had after mother died. David and Mother were in clown makeup chasing me down a stark endless hall ( it was my home on Van Pelt) accusing me of being a killer and a horrible person. I shook my head and rebuked that thought. I was not alone as I felt I was when I was18 and found my mother dead on that fateful Memorial Day. On June 7, 2012 I was surrounded by people who loved me, people who were demonstrating God’s love and grace at an unbearable time. People I was living life with, people who I had deep connections with through relationship and my church. I felt HIS presence and took a deep breath. She was in the last room on the right.

Jeff and Jill were hugging me and I’m not sure who else was there but the nurse opened the door and I closed my eyes for a moment bracing myself. The sheet was pulled over her head and they went to pull it down reminding me they couldn’t clean her up until the medical examiner came. I opened my eyes and looked at my baby who had been so full of life and such a fighter. Her face was perfect except for the blood and there was a tube in her throat. I honestly don’t recall how I reacted and I couldn’t believe she was gone because she just looked perfect. I’m not sure where the blood had come from but I don’ think there was even a scratch on her ( which is a miracle because they wouldn’t even let me see the car because it was so mangled, but John who got her things out of the car said there was just a little space around the driver’s side uninterrupted.) I didn’t pull the sheet down to look at her body though. I’m thinking I hugged her. After a while I wanted to leave the room and we returned to the little place that was now “our room” . By this time the Jensen’s had arrived (they are the ones who lost their son Alex in a skiing accident ) Warner and his parents. It was heartbreaking looking at the brokenness in my husband. Hailey and Sammy were still so upset and I was just in a fog so I really only know this from my perspective. At moments I would run to them kneeling before them grabbing their knees saying we are going to be okay with as much strength as I could, sometimes I think it came out as a question pleading for their confirmation. And at times I was immersed in my own grief.

At one point I screamed I wanted a cigarette and Sammy looked up sharply and screamed “NO” I could see the fear in his eyes that a cigarette might lead to alcohol and that might lead to meth. Even though I really wanted one I said okay and he looked so relieved. It was so heart wrenching to not be able to relieve my children’s pain. Hailey and Sammy just kept saying “no” and how they wanted to talk to her again. All I could do was hug them and assure them we would get through this somehow.

Warner answered the medical examiners questions and then there was nothing else to do at the hospital . We needed to move on and begin to plan the arrangements for our baby. Before we left the hospital we decided on Monday evening because Lynn let me know that Keith was going to be out of town that weekend. One thing I knew is I wanted my pastor Keith Spurgin to lead this service. I picked 7 o’clock and felt a little peace that a decision had been made. I had to see Alexis one more time even though they told me they would let me see her cleaned up I just had to hug her . On some level I think I was scared they might lose her or something and I wouldn’t get the chance to see her again so I went in the room . Again I’m not sure if Sammy, Hailey, and Warner went. I think they did. My only memory is of Warner crying saying “he didn’t want to see her that way” but I think he did. I only knew I had to. I kissed her cheek and brushed back her hair with my hand. I then thought about the James Avery ring I had given her for graduation 2 years ago and I pulled back the sheet a little to see if there was a ring on her finger but there wasn’t.

The James Avery ring I gave Alexis for graduation is always on my finger. I found it by the sink when I got to the house later.

She had her James Avery Cross necklace and a belly button ring they had put in an envelope. On her ear in the cartilage area there was a bar thing and I guess they couldn’t get that out , not sure what that is called.

We all then left the hospital and Jill offered her home as a place to meet. Jill is an angel from God and He has blessed me through her countless times. Jill drove me and we left the car I was driving there, she said John and Johnny would get it, Keith drove Warner, Jake drove Warner’s car, Shelby drove Sammy, and Tony drove Hailey and sweet Kendall Grace. As Jill and I left the parking lot she knew I needed Starbucks so we headed there and I got 2 Venti Skinny Caramel Lattes and we headed to Wylie. I was still having trouble processing exactly where the accident happened for some reason I thought it was near South Fork but then learned it was closer to Wylie so I asked Jill if she would show me where, she knew exactly where it was . So we headed toward the site.

We headed down Parker Road and were in Wylie before I knew it. After passing the Sonic I glanced over at the old trailer we lived in when I first got out of prison.

It seemed a lifetime ago and tears formed in my eyes as I thought of those words because it was true Alexis’ lifetime on this side of eternity was over. A funny memory surfaced of Alexis getting off the school bus one afternoon . As she ran to our trailer she looked back at her friends on the bus to wave and ran into a pole falling down. She was so embarrassed but she was laughing at herself also. She was blessed with the gift of laughing at herself.

I focused my attention on the winding road still confused about where she died but as we passed McMillan Rd Jill pointed and said it was there. We pulled off on the road by the Lutz Woodworks shop and parked. I think I got out and walked around.

Here is the scene of the accident , when we arrived the car was gone but all the fragments of Riley's toys remained. This is the only photo that really captures what I saw my first time at the scene

The orange paint in the grass and the tire tracks marked the scene. There was something plastic that was pink and blue , it was in shattered pieces. I tried to pick them up and figure out what they were but there was just too many , all I knew is it was a toy of Riley’s . I swallowed hard feeling thankful that Riley was safe at Jenn’s . I didn’t even want to imagine what would have happened if she would have been in the car.

We left for Jill’s house and met everyone there. We hadn’t been there five minutes when the home team I used to attend began to arrive with food and drinks. We learned her friends had organized a candle light vigil at New Hope which was so very sweet. Mel called me and said she would be there as soon as possible and would bring me some clothes. I was in a dress and high heels. I honestly don’t know if I will ever wear that dress again. I washed it yesterday and it brought upon a wave of sadness. It was the dress I was wearing in the photo where I am standing in the blue office and you can see my reflection in the picture of the boats being tossed by the storm. It was the dress I wore last year to celebrate the birth of my dear friend Melanie. There have been so many storms in my life, this being by far the worst but I kept reminding myself I was standing on the other side of that storm with a smile of victory on my face. Maybe God gave me insight into that photo knowing I would think of it today and knowing I would be wearing that dress. He knows every detail of our intricate lives. Nothing happens by chance and nothing happens that he does not allow.

We got down to business and started making the arrangements for Alexis. Honestly the only option we had was cremation because of cost but that was okay. Of course I didn’t know her wishes like I knew my dad’s because I never imagined losing my child. Kerri and Dan Jensen were walking us through this process. They had a public viewing for their son Alex before cremation and we thought about that but the difference in cost was about 3000 so we decided upon a basic cremation with a family viewing. Thankfully Jill called and made all those arrangements. Not long after that I got a call that Alexis had registered to be a donor and there was a list of questions to answer. She couldn’t donate organs because they didn’t use a ventilator ( I think) but she could donate tissue. It made me cry that she had registered . What a thoughtful , thoughtful young girl. The questions took about 30 minutes and some of the questions were crazy . ( if she had been transplanted with animal parts or being around others who had . They asked if she had had diseases that I had never heard of. It was a long and exhausting conversation and I almost lost my cool. I understand it was important just so very hard to answer at that time.)

At some point I did a post on Facebook because the news was traveling fast and I had received some condolences so I knew it would be best to announce the death of my daughter. Immediately after posting the news the encouragement started pouring in. It was so comforting to read everyone’s concern. Mel called all our close friends and I called my niece, nephews, and my brother in law Carl.

Warner, Sammy, Hailey, Riley, and I went back to the site. This was tough as we walked around where she took her last breath. I am a crier but I don’t think I have ever cried tears that came from so deep within. It is hard to explain but these tears came from the depth of my spirit and soul. This is a grief I have never known and I am so familiar with grief. Sammy picked up something that we knew was part of her car, we think the door handle to I grabbed it and it is in my purse. Every now and then I pull it out and hold it in my hand rubbing it, it is somewhat comforting as my fingers fit perfectly around it. That may sound morbid but it gives me comfort.

Riley looked at the pink and blue pieces of plastic and told us that was from her bucket that they would take to the lake. Sadly she said she used it to make sand castles. As she said that I thought of the photos Alexis had posted recently of Riley swimming at the lake and the sand castles they made. A wave a grief washed over me again. The range of emotions was overwhelming.

At moments I would yell at God asking him "WHY?” I felt it wasn't fair I had lost so much already; I was trying to serve HIM and share HIS love and grace with a hurting world. I was trying to be obedient and I thought it JUST wasn't fair but then a peace would wash over me calming me down and I would remember HIS word and recite it over and over. Specifically Proverbs 3 :5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart lean not on your own understanding . I could almost physically feel HIS embrace and I could rest in his peace, at least for a moment.

We headed back to Jills and around 6:30 or so Mel, Lisa, and Delaine arrived. They brought me Starbucks and some turkey and cheese. I smiled that my friends knew me so well and I felt so very loved , I love to eat meat. They came in and hung out until we left for the candle light vigil. We all got in our cars and headed to New Hope.

As we drove down Brown Street towards New Hope my stomach began to twist and turn and I felt very anxious. It will seem silly but I was concerned no one would be there and that would break my heart for Alexis. I didn’t want her , Hailey, Sammy or her friends who put this together to be hurt. I kept telling myself that she had just died that morning so the odds of there being many people at this vigil were slim although the news had spread fast. We took a right into the parking lot of the church and I didn’t see many cars and I said a prayer leaving it all up to God. Then we pulled to the side of the church and there were cars everywhere. There was a big circle of chairs with people milling around and I began to cry softly so very touched by the outpouring of love. We got out of the car and began to walk to the circle. The first person I saw was David Landis, who had been Alexis’ boyfriend for almost three years. They had not been together in a while but he was the boy she had loved and Alexis and I had just spoke about him on Tuesday. David and I hugged and I asked him to sit with us. I could tell he was heartbroken and not sure how to process this loss.

I thought back to my first boyfriend from 8th and 9th grade dying in March. Hal’s death had a huge impact on me and that was just puppy love so I knew this was going to be hard on David even though they were not together. I looked across the circle and saw Jennifer and Rachel Speicher and that touched my heart, Alexis and Rachel had been best friends their sophomore and junior years and although they had drifted apart there was still a strong bond . Riley informed me she and Mommy had gone swimming over at Rachel’s recently and I was happy about that. Beth and Leah came to hug our necks, they had organized the vigil and I could tell their hearts were just broken.

Sammy , Hailey, Warner, and I grabbed our candles and looked through the sea of faces. I think someone said they thought 100 + people were there. Then I looked to my right and saw Riley’s biological father. I had not seen him in over three years and I didn’t know how I felt about that. He looked upset and I remember Riley running around ,as three year olds do, and I got extremely nervous but then I realized she didn’t know him from Adam. She recognized David, but didn’t know who her biological father was. I don’t think he had seen her since she was a baby. He was just another stranger there and I felt calm again. The most important thing to me was that Riley would not have any more surprises that day and I didn’t think her biological father would do anything to hurt her, he had not made any attempt to see her for the last three years and had not provided any support for Riley. So I didn’t think he would cause us problems but I was so wrong about that although that came later in the service.

Alan, our children’s pastor, started the service and we all prayed. It meant a lot to me that Alan was there to lead this, he had helped me with some healing therapy concerning my dad and it had been very emotional for all of us. He is a good man with an awesome testimony and I felt honored that he was there to honor my Rosebud. After praying and saying a few things he asked people to come into the middle of the circle and share memories of Alexis. At first people were hesitant but then as one person shared people began to get more comfortable and many shared their thoughts and memories about Alexis. It was so wonderful to hear all about my daughter.

The most common phrase we heard about her was that Alexis was hilarious and everyone was so happy when she was in their class. They knew it would be a fun year if Alexis Rose Washington was in it. The next most common statement was Alexis spoke her mind and didn’t care what anyone thought. That she was bold and courageous and would stand up for those less fortunate. The records she held at Wylie High School were for the most tardies and most consecutive days in ISS. To date those records have not been broken :) I remember Alexis laughing and saying those would probably be the only records she ever held, I just laughed along with her. Then the funny stories started and we laughed through our tears. Alexis was such a funny , funny, girl.

I was so touched to see Alexis’ former teacher Mrs. Chapman. Mrs. Chapman taught the parenthood class and she always loved Alexis. I remember her telling me she never worried about Alexis because Alexis was going to make it . She said “ Alexis has strength, passion, intelligence, and drive !! She will go for” I always remembered those words and would cling to them as Alexis struggled after graduating. Earlier in the year Alexis was struggling with what she wanted to do and I told her to call Mrs. Chapman and ask her for advice. They had a great talk and I knew Alexis felt better about things. When Mrs. Chapman got up to share she began to cry and I could tell how much she really loved Alexis. My heart was overflowing. The program came to the end and Riley’s father approached me saying he needed to talk. I said a prayer and said okay . I led him away from Riley so she couldn’t hear because I didn’t have a clue to what he had to say. I was shocked by what came out of his mouth...........

He said I work full time and I want Riley, she is my daughter. I think my mouth dropped open and I looked at him putting my hands in the air and said “hold up, first of all this is not the time for this conversation , I JUST LOST MY DAUGHTER TODAY !! And secondly if you had a full time job Alexis would have been receiving child support because she has had a case against you with the Attorney General for years. “ I couldn’t believe he had just done that to me, I was shaking . Riley came running between us grabbing my legs then twirling around and my heart melted with love for her and I vowed to protect her in any way I could. At that moment the girl with Riley’s biological father hit him and screamed in an angry voice “Tell her who you are , Tell her who you are “ I then screamed “NO” gently pushing Riley towards Jill , Mel, Lisa, and Delaine.

I just was in shock that someone could speak to me in that way hours after my daughter died and how another could want a complete stranger to reveal to a precious three year old that he was her father, a father who NEVER came to see her. Riley just lost her mother: her rock, her anchor, her everything .

My heart always hurt for Riley because she didn’t have a Daddy and I wondered how we would address this issue when she got older. I always thought Alexis would meet someone who would love her and Riley and Riley would finally have a daddy but until then she would just have her “different kind of family” as Alexis would say. And although we are different there is a lot of love especially a lot of love for that precious three year old that captured all of our hearts when she was born in 2008. She had spent her whole life living with her Mi Mi, Papa, Hailey, Momma, and Sammy. That was the family she knew and I know she felt and feels secure in being loved . That little girl is adored but I wondered how that amazingly intelligent little brain processed about a “ Daddy”. She would talk about Tony being Kendall’s daddy but she never once said who is my daddy , why doesn’t he love me, why doesn’t he ever see me. Maybe God was protecting her because she never asked , I think she just felt complete in the family in which she lived and Alexis loved her so much trying to make up for the absentee father. In my opinion she was successful because Riley never missed her missing Daddy and I was not about to let anyone plant a seed in her mind on the day her mother died . I looked at both of them wondering if they had hearts and said a prayer remembering the Bible says in Matthew : But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you" - Jesus of Nazareth, as recorded in Matthew 5:44 (NIV translation). So I said a prayer and walked away. Minutes later I looked back and saw Hailey and the biological father having words, well it seemed like Hailey had all the words and her huge fiancé was standing behind her ready to protect. I think Tony’s presence dissuaded any response from the biological father. As I watched Hailey I began to smile somewhat because that behavior was more indicative of Alexis than Hailey but Hailey was going to step out of her comfort zone to protect her sister’s baby girl , a baby girl she had loved like her own since she watched her birth almost 4 years before. Sammy was standing by and then some men from the church went and talked to Hailey not wanting anything to happen . That was the last we saw of the biological father, he hasn’t called or stopped by to even check on Riley. He came in as a tordado wreaking havoc on the worst day of my life then left again leaving us with the after math much like he had done to Alexis when Riley was born.

We left the candle light service and drove by the crash site one more time . It was still so hard to believe that she was gone. She was there one minute and gone the next. As we walked around the site Sammy wanted to make a cross to put at the site and we all agreed. As I was walking back to my car I noticed something goldish tan and knew it was from Alexis’ car. I picked it and held it in my hand turning it over and over. For some reason it made me think of the comforting cross I had sent to my friend , Sharon , who had been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. Strangely enough it brought me comfort , it fit in my hand perfectly and was part of the car that my daughter died in. I vowed to always carry it and I have kept that vow keeping it in my purse at all times . When I am sad I will pull it out holding it between my fingers and pray. It is my special comforting "handle" reminding me to hold on to Jesus and that he was there with Alexis.

 Here is the door handle I found . It has been in my purse since that day .

We were worn out and had a big day the next day. We had to plan Alexis’ service and we were scheduled for a family viewing at 1:00 at the funeral home in Sachse. So for the first time since we lost Alexis we went our separate ways deciding to meet at Jill's house in the morning, it would be Friday June 8th. I had decided to sleep at Jill’s and there was a group going to get something to eat at Chili’s . I hugged Sammy, Shelby, Riley, and Warner then got in the car with Delaine to go eat. About 15 of us went to eat and it was nice to sit in the restaurant and just be with Hailey, Hailey’s friends, many from my home team , Delaine, and Melanie ( who is always there for me ). After eating Delaine drove me back to Jill’s and I crawled into bed thinking I would fall asleep easily but it was as if I became more alert . That is when the deep racking sobs began. I don’t know if I have ever cried tears from such a deep place before . It was as if I was in the depths of despair but I didn’t try to fight it I just cried until it hurt but when I finally quit crying sleep still eluded me and all I could think of was my baby. Her life flashed before my eyes and I began to cry again until I finally dozed off . I would wake every hour on the hour and each time I would be somewhat confused then the reality would set in and the painful sobs would begin again. I prayed for sleep and the next thing I knew is it was about 7 in the morning and I opened my eyes with the sun shining through the curtains. My first thought was at this time yesterday Alexis was still alive , it seemed unreal and then I remembered the dream I had . I dreamed Alexis was beautiful in a white flowing dress hugging my sister Kathey who was also beautiful in white . The only thing odd about the dream is Kathey was as I remembered her in her 20’s when she was newly married and began having her children. They both shined with the vibrancy of youth and that brought peace to my broken heart. I got up to get ready for my day. It was June 8, 2012 the day after Alexis died.

Rockwall County Jail : My trip to the ER as an inmate

All this business with my eye reminded of an incident that happened when I was in Rockwall County Jail. I had been locked up for a couple of months when this happened in late September of 2002. One night I woke up in my cell in severe pain. I had a cell by myself because I was a trusty and in Rockwall there was only one female trusty. It was a coveted position; I did all female inmates laundry and prepared mop buckets for all the cells. The perks that came with this “job” were extra food, coffee, and smoking. It was a little slice of Heaven while I was in Hell :)) plus I got to make one free phone call a day to call my kids. It was as great as it could be under the circumstances!!!

Anyhow that one night around two in the morning I woke up in excruciating pain. I couldn’t stop crying because my eye hurt so badly. The officers kept calling the nurse concerned about me and she advised them to take me to the hospital. After handcuffing me and shackling my feet together they loaded me in the squad car and drove me to LakePointe Medical Center. When we parked the officer got out of the car and then let me out the back. She then walked me in. It was hard to walk with the shackles on my feet so I was kind of waddling in and my eye hurt so badly I was still crying. We entered the regular door of the emergency room and she escorted me to check in . We then sat down and waited.

This was the first time I had been out of the jail since July 18 when I had been arrested and after a moment I looked at the all the other people in the ER waiting room and immediately became self conscious. People looked at me as if they were scared. Children who had been playing in the floor were called to come by their parents . People moved far AWAY from me and the guard. Then it dawned on me how I must appear. I was in orange county jail clothes with my wrists handcuffed and feet shackled escorted by an officer. I was a dangerous criminal in their mind and that upset me more than I can describe. I began to cry inconsolably at the thought of that and the guard began to comfort me. She patted my shoulder and said not to worry they just didn’t know me. She told me she knew I was a good person. That made me feel somewhat better and a few minutes later we were called to the back.

I was so happy to get out of the crowded waiting room but as I walked past a mirror I saw how I looked. My first thought when I saw myself was “Who is that crazy person looking back at me ?” . My hair was sticking out all over the place ( I hadn’t seen myself in a mirror in 2 months , nor had I had any real shampoo to wash my hair or any conditioner at all ) and I realized that my idea of using April Fresh Downy (which I had access to as I did the laundry) on my hair to condition it was not working at all. My eyes were swollen and red from crying and then my eye problem magnified it all.

As I looked again it reminded me of the photo I modeled for in my early 20’s depicting a crazy woman in a sanitarium. The photo was taken and staged by Nic Nicosia. ( Peri got me the job ( she did make up for him) and did a magnificent job of making me look crazy ) The photo which I have attached was showing an earthquake in a sanitarium and was on exhibit in the Guggenheim museum in New York. The irony that the photo seemed to foreshadow what my life had become did not escape me at all. It was an eerie realization as I remembered how my life had imploded as if an earthquake hit it. And in that ER on that September night I looked as crazy as I did in that picture.

 

Now I understood why everyone was scared, I looked horrible and scary and the tears began to flow again. The guard again tried to console me as I cried about how awful I looked. They laid me down on the bed and handcuffed me to the rail and I waited to see the doctor. My cornea had been scratched and they prescribed some drops and then we were released. Never had I been so happy to return to jail and to my own little cell. They let me rest the next day and I didn’t have to work so I could recuperate. The guards would check on me bringing me my favorite coffee and Peanut Butter and Grape Jelly Uncrustables that they knew I loved. It was so nice and thoughtful of them. Being a trusty did have it’s perks.
At the time the whole experience was so very humiliating but as I look back on it I remember the kindness of the guards. All the guards at Rockwall County seemed to like me and treated me with respect and kindness. I tutored a few of them who were studying for their college entrance exams. They looked at me and saw a woman who made a mistake and was paying the price. They saw me as a good person who got caught up in a cycle of drugs as a person who had a problem . I have always said Rockwall County was my favorite jail and I think that was a huge reason. The officers there saw me as a person and not just a criminal and they treated me as such. When I pulled chain to go to prison and was waiting for my ride to TDCJ guard after guard came in to say goodbye to me , some even gave me a hug. They knew I was so scared about going to prison and they tried to make me feel better . They encouraged me and honestly made me feel somewhat good about myself during the lowest point of my life. I always appreciated that.

Alexis Rose Washington: 2/29/92-6/7/12

Last year I decided to do a blog on all my children. It started with Hailey right before she had Kendall Grace then I wrote this about Alexis.  Alexis’ blog was in three parts,  that is just the way her life was. I really love reading this and wanted to share it again. I combined all the blogs so it is long but it really gives you a glimpse into who she was from birth to death.  Hopefully it will make you smile, laugh, and cry :)  It did me. She was very nervous about this but I think in the end she was proud. This was written with complete honesty and I didn’t try to sugar coat anything. Her life was full of many  beautiful moments  but it also had some ugly parts. Her life was real.  The tears really flowed when I got to this part that I wrote to end my blog on my Rosebud  “God has a great plan for Alexis, I don’t know what it is but I know it is full of hope and promise.”

When I got pregnant with Alexis I knew I wanted to name her something with Alex in it. My mother’s maiden name was Alexander and I wanted to use that somehow and my mother’s name was Rosemary so I knew I wanted to use Rose. We decided on Alexis Rose because I thought Alexandria Rose Washington was just toooo much. My plans were to call her Alex.  I loved Alex for a girl and when she was born she was our little Rosebud.

Alexis was a little spit fire of a baby and very beautiful. She was born on Feb. 29, 1992 and we knew she would be special. Everything surrounding her birth was special. My husband had left on Friday night Feb.28 1992  to go pick up Chinese Food and while he was gone my water broke. In a panic I called my sister but there was no answer and I called all my teacher friends to try to find someone to watch Hailey. No one was at home that Friday night.  Scared because I was alone I called the Chinese restaurant and asked them to find my husband and let me speak to him. Minutes later he was on the line and said he would come home . Crying I told him I didn’t know what to do because Kathey wasn’t home. He said we would figure it out. I started packing a bag for me and Hailey and waited for Warner. Later I saw his headlights pull into our driveway and I was shocked to see Kathey sitting with him in the truck and Carl my brother in law in the car behind. As Warner was leaving the restaurant he looked over and saw my sister eating there !! This was the first time Kathey and Carl had ever eaten at that restaurant !  Now Amarillo is not big city like Dallas but it is still quite large.I believe that was a God thing. I needed Kathey, she was my rock and anchor. Just her presence was calming and I felt peace in my heart when she was near. Warner then took me to the hospital and Kathey took Hailey to Panhandle. Alexis was born hours later.

People would comment on what a beautiful baby she was and she was full of energy. Where Hailey had been laid back  Alexis was anything but. By nine months she was figuring ways to climb out of the crib. She would hold the side and bounce as high as possible. The only way I can describe it , is she did some sort of vault to get out. I put cushions by the crib because I was so scared she would get hurt. You had to always keep your eyes on Alex.

Alexis hadn’t even turned a year old and I was due with my Sammy. I will never forget on Sammy’s due date which was Feb 8 I called the pediatrician for some more cough medicine for Alexis because the cough she had wouldn’t go away. As I was talking to the nurse she could hear Alex in the background and told me I needed to bring her in. Sighing deeply but not really alarmed I left with Hailey and Alex in tow for the doctor. After arriving at the office we were taken straight back to an examination room as the other waiting patients looked at us angrily. By this point I was a little nervous wondering why we were receiving the VIP treatment. The doctor rushed in and examined Alexis and asked me how long she had been that way. Alexis was smiling and laughing between coughs so I said I didn’t know, I just knew the cough wasn’t’ getting better. The doctor administered a breathing treatment on the spot and called the hospital.  I was instructed to take her there ASAP,  that the situation was critical. Still in shock because Alexis was laughing I gathered up our things and headed to the hospital. At that point I broke down: It was so scary that my baby was critically ill and I didn’t even have a clue, what if I wouldn’t have called the doctor, thoughts like that bombarded my mind, I was due with my third baby and was huge ( in my classroom we would put down tape inside my door and see how far I could stand in my room and my stomach be out the door, it was amazing how far I could be in the room. When my OB would take the tape measure  to measure my stomach in weeks the last visit showed 54 weeks. I WAS HUGE!!!!  I had people tell me I was the biggest pregnant person they ever saw, my stomach stuck straight out. It is hard to describe : )), and I was alone trying to keep up with a four year old and an 11 month old that was deathly ill but felt great wanting to go all over the place. As we walked into the hospital everyone tried to lead me to maternity and I was crying so hard I couldn’t talk. I think Hailey finally told them Alexis was sick.

After getting a hold of Kathey ( my rock ) I felt better , she came to see me and took Hailey home with her. Warner then came when he got off work. Alexis was very sick and spent 4 days in the hospital. I stayed with her during the day and my husband did at night so I could sleep because I could go into labor any minute.  They said it was asthma and they gave her many breathing treatments but she has never suffered another attack. My friend Linda , who I taught school with, said Alexis was just not going to let anyone steal her thunder : )) She knew a new baby was coming and she was going to make sure she got our attention. I think Linda was right.

As Alexis grew she was so very creative. The things she would come up with amazed me. She was and is extremely loyal and loves deeply. She will fight for the rights of anyone she believes is being mis treated. She has no fear !!! She and Sammy were so close in age  ( 11 months apart) they have a deep bond and can relate to each other on levels the rest of us can’t. She could be awfully mean to Sammy too but if anyone else was mean to him when they were very little she would go after them. Of course Sammy grew and could take care of himself but for a short time Alexis was his defender when they were very small.

School didn’t come as easy for Alexis and she was diagnosed with dyslexia but her IQ was VERY high so she could compensate. She was always just so strong willed and adventurous . I remember once Hailey and her friend were having a lemonade stand in Rockwall and they wouldn’t let Alexis participate. So Alexis decided to make her own stand. For some reason Warner  was cooking all these chicken drumsticks , he had bought like two family packages so there were 20 plus at least. Alexis snuck to the grill and took all the drumsticks. She then set up a table on the side of the road and had a drumstick sale. She was so cute holding up the drumsticks  shouting “drumsticks for sale” that her drumstick stand was hit and she made more than Hailey and her friend, now of course our dinner was gone but it was okay we still laugh at the memory.

Another time I remember we got home from Campbell, at this point all the kids were going to school with me and this probably happened during our drug use. We got home and I was locked out of the house. We went around to try every window but nothing was unlocked . I was about to cry when Hailey told me to look on the roof. Alexis who was probably 6 at the time had somehow climbed  up there. She proceeded to tell me she would go down the chimney that if it worked for Santa Claus it could work for her. Screaming I told her “NOOO” because I knew she would do it. She looked at me and pointed her hand out and said “It is a free world and I can do as I please “as dramatically as possible. The dramatics of the situation caused her to sway slightly and then she grabbed the chimney and got scared. Luckily a cable guy was working on a house nearby and brought his ladder and rescued Alexis.

Her heart  is always in the right place but sometimes we just need to channel that energy into more appropriate responses.

Another thing about Alexis is you could never use child psychology on her. We would all be at a store and I would be ready to leave and the kids wouldn’t. In frustration and impatience I would tell them “okay I’m leaving you can stay here “ and start walking out the door . Hailey and Sammy would come running saying don’t leave me Momma hugging me tightly. Alexis would roll her eyes and say “You’re not going to leave me. You might act like you are and you might even go outside but you wouldn’t leave me “ She ALWAYS called my bluff. There was no reverse psychology with her. God gave her a deep wisdom and discernment that I noticed at a very young age.

Alexis has never been a morning person either. The day she graduated from High School I thanked God genuinely that I would never have to get her up again J She is just most productive at night. I couldn’t keep up with her. During the week I would repeatedly tell her to get back in bed but she had so much energy she would get up and start a project. One night I remember I could hear the sound of  duct tape pulling and tearing. It was a continuous sound and I was very curious about what in the world she was up to but I was also VERY tired. I didn’t hear Sammy or Hailey arguing with her so I felt secure that she wasn’t using the duct tape to tape up her brother and sister so I just went to sleep. When I woke up the next morning Alexis was asleep on the couch and beside her on the floor was a pair of shoes and a purse she designed and made out of duct tape.  I picked them up and was just so impressed at her creativity and thinking process. Things would get a lot tougher for Alexis  as she got older.

As I said in my blog about Hailey my husband had relapsed on meth and that took a toll on all of us. I can’t imagine what my kids felt or were thinking during that time because I think they were all scared I had relapsed also. Alexis would call me at Dickey’s and point blank ask me if Warner was doing drugs and I would panic and say no. She would say it seems like he is using and I would continue to lie and I know she knew it but I couldn’t say the truth. That put a wedge in our relationship I know and I’m sure despair set in because both of her parents were not being honest and I know she was scared I was using. I don’t know if the kids talked to each other at that time sharing their pain but it was a very difficult time.

Things got a little better after Hailey got in trouble and my kids and I were finally honest with each other about the drug use but we still didn’t tell anyone else. Family secrets are just so destructive: you live in shame and guilt because of something that someone else is doing. Being open and transparent is the key even if it brings about rejection from people that you love, especially the addict.

As Warner’s addiction got out of control Alexis’ behavior took a turn for the worse and she became obstinate and defiant at times and we clashed a lot. I was pursuing the Lord with all my heart but was hiding the fact that my husband had relapsed. I felt so torn.

The night that changed everything in all of our lives would appear to be a horrible incident but God used it for good. Again Romans 8:2828 and we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.

One Wed. night when I got off work I was on my way to my home team and I called Alexis, Sammy had already gone to youth group at the church. Alexis informed me she wasn’t going to youth that she was going to go to her boyfriends. I told her she couldn’t go there, that I couldn’t make her go to church but she would just have to stay home. She told me she was going to her boyfriends and that was that. Not sure what to do and knowing I couldn’t physically make her come home I decided to go get her cell phone that I paid for. Warner was off on a drug binge and not around.

As I drove over to where her boyfriend lived I saw her walking and pulled over demanding her cell phone. She looked at me and said no so I tried to grab it and then she hit me in my eye breaking the skin and I began to bleed. Crying and in shock I drove away and called the police.  I was at my wits end trying to deal with her, she was so hurt and angry because of Warner’s drug use and he was of no help because at this point he was high most the time and I couldn’t depend on him for anything.

The police came and I had her arrested for assault and she went to juvenile detention.  I called my home team telling them what happened, it was such a hard conversation,  immediately my friends Helen and Terra came over to my house and comforted me and encouraged me. As we were talking Warner walked in and I could tell by the glaze in his eyes and the set of his mouth he was very high and I lost it. Screaming I told him to get the “f*#k” out of the house and then I looked at Helen and Terra and told them through tears he was high on meth and this had been going on for a very long time, Again where I had feared rejection and judgment they surrounded me with love and support. Warner left immediately and entered a rehab a few days later where he would stay for 6 months.

So what seemed like a horrible incident “my daughter hitting me” turned into something wonderful and good? That incident was the catalyst that made me say “NO MORE”. It was the catalyst that made me face my fear and I learned that God would provide for me and my kids. It was during this time that I was able to work 7 days a week which was about 64 hours so I was making 24 hours of overtime and I could pay the bills by myself. There was no one to help me financially and I know working so much wasn’t ideal but the opportunity presented itself and I could support my kids on my job that paid 10 dollars an hour. God blessed me so much during this time. It was hard and it was hard on the kids but we grew closer and bonded. I supported my husband emotionally during rehab , his parents supported him financially. But I took care of me and my kids finally proving to myself that I could do it. I was stronger than I thought. This revelation all came about because Alexis in frustration, hurt, and pain hit me. God is good.

Warner got out of rehab and returned home to see Hailey graduate from Wylie High School. He has remained clean from Meth since 2007 .

During the Fall of 2007 Alexis was still going with the same boy from a year before. It was tumultuous relationship to say the least, but in hindsight she had never been modeled a healthy relationship because of all the problems me and her father had. Alexis assured me they weren’t having sex even though I was somewhat concerned because they had been together a long time.

I decided to believe her but became more concerned in November because I noticed she didn’t have her cycle. We went through a period where she pretended she was on her cycle but I knew and I said Alexis “Do we need to get a pregnancy test?” At first she said “No” then crying she said “Let’s go buy one“. I looked at her and said  “But you promised you weren’t having sex” as we got in my car and drove to the Dollar General store.

Hailey was there when we got home from the store and we went to do the test. I was the test interpreter and when it was done I screamed “Yay!!! You aren’t pregnant“and hugged Alexis. Hailey grabbed the test and looked at me incredulously and said “MOM !!! This is positive, look at this test” Shaking I looked at it again and ran to the store to buy 5 more tests.

Each test came out as positive as the one before and the realization sunk in that I had a pregnant 15 year old daughter.  Selfish thoughts immediately began to bombard my mind: “what will people think of me? I’ve been to prison, am a recovering drug addict, and now I have a pregnant 15 year old” to the worst one of all “we can get an abortion, pretend it never happened, and no one will ever know.”  That thought stopped me in my tracks because it was the way I had learned to deal with everything from the time I was ten years old and my brother committed suicide.

It was a thought pattern ingrained so deeply I had to be intentional to change it. My whole life I had dealt with things by locking them away and pretending they didn't happen, and we know where that got me. So I captured those evil thoughts and brought them into obedience declaring that is not who I am anymore! I don’t hide in fear from the truth, I face the truth head on.

Thankfully I found out Alexis was pregnant on a Wednesday afternoon and I had home team that night. I had begun leading a home team at New Hope and many of us were in recovery. That night after a time of praise and worship I looked at this group of about 15-20 people and said I had something to say. Tearing up I confessed that I just learned my 15 year old daughter was pregnant.

As with every trial before that I confessed to my church family I was surrounded with love and support. Amazingly I was told of different people at my church that had the same experience and chose different options: one kept the baby and another put her baby up for adoption. The couple I reached out to for advice were respected leaders in our church and had experienced this years before. The shame that the enemy was trying to trap me in immediately left and I had hope, I didn’t feel alone. Again what the enemy meant for evil God brought good from.

Alexis made the choice to keep her baby and we said we would support her decision. (I cannot imagine life without Riley now, I just can't, I love her with all my heart and she has brought such joy to our family) My oldest daughter Hailey was so scared that the kids at school would be mean to Alexis, making fun of her. I don't know if that happened or not. Alexis is a pretty tough girl so she never mentioned it.

 

What I remember the most is how she took care of herself being sure to eat healthy food, putting ear phones on her stomach and playing Beethoven, and sewing blankets, dolls, and pillows for her unborn baby. Her care didn't stop when Riley was born on June 25, 2008. She chose to nurse Riley because she had learned that was best for her baby. I thought she might stop when she started her junior year in the fall but NO , Alexis took a pump to school and would go to the nurses office throughout the day so she could continue to nurse Riley. She did that until January.

I am still amazed by that :) I remember her saying that she wished the bag for the pump was more stylish:) I told her I didn't think they would design breast pumps for teenagers :)

Alexis had one goal that was very important to her after having Riley and that was to walk the stage when she graduated with her peers. She did not want to go to Choice or get her GED. She achieved that goal and was so very proud of herself :)

I don't want to sugarcoat anything because it has been extremely hard and there have been many ups and downs for Alexis. But she has strength and I know she will be okay. When I am scared for her I always think of dropping her off at school (her DL was put on hold for awhile)  her junior year and her jumping out of the car with a backpack on one arm and the breast pump on the other, running into the building or taking her to youth group at church when Riley was an infant and Alexis dropping her off in the nursery while she went to youth. Deep down in my heart I know Alexis will make it. She has such strength and I am not sure where it comes from but I am so thankful she has it.

Today Alexis is working at a church in Allen and building a life for her and Riley. She has made some poor choices along the way but has taken the initiative to accept the consequences and deal with them. God has a great plan for Alexis, I don’t know what it is but I know it is full of hope and promise.

At Christmas this year as we were eating dinner Riley broke out into a song she made up. The words were basically "It's a lovely day , It's a Shine"  Each time I watch this video I see the light within her. As I look at her sweet innocence her words "It's a Shine" bring a light and smile to my face :)) It inspires me to shine for Jesus. Let's all go out and shine today :)) God is so good and will bring good out of everything. Even if you are in the midst of despair and a trial there is hope, just look for his LIGHT and many times we find that HEALING light in others.

As the anniversary of her death approaches this means so much to me. In reality it was meant to be a gft for my children, something I wrote about them to show them who they were to me and all the wonderful qualities I saw in them regardless of their mistakes. But now this is a gift to me , words captured from my heart and I can only pray they touched hers.