June 7, 2012

There are moments which mark your life. Moments that you realize nothing will ever be the same. And time is divided into two Parts: Before this and after this. (I know I always use this quote but I keep having these moments)

This saying has fit my life so many time but never more than now. As I was praying this morning and crying out to God in my pain he told me to write, he told me to journal. He reminded me of all the Healing that has happened through my writing for me and for others. That touched my heart so I am going to process about the morning of June 7 and share my experience.

I had left for work about 8:30 and decided to stop at Wal-Mart in Rowlett to buy these new Rembrandt whitening dissolving strips for my teeth, lip liner, and some sweet mint Orbit gum. I ran into the store and left my phone in the car. After buying the items I went back to the car and surprisingly didn’t think about my phone. ( Normally I have my phone on a charger and connected to my stereo so I can listen to my Itunes but since my car broke down I am borrowing a car and had just basically set the phone under the dash ) As I started to drive off I could hear the vibration of my phone because I had it on silent so I grabbed it and saw it was a 469 number and answered. A man asked to speak to Susan Washington and I immediately thought he was a sales person or a creditor so I lied and said there wasn’t a Susan Washington at this number. He asked again if I was her and I said “No, who is this ?” and he said he was with the Wylie Police Department. That caught me off guard because the prefix was 469 and not a 972-442 number but I knew I needed to let him know it was me and I said “Oh I am Susan Washington I just thought you were a creditor or sales person “and then he asked if I had a daughter named Alexis Washington. My mind started to race, just random thoughts thinking she might have gotten in trouble or something but it was 8:30 in the morning so thoughts of what could this be kept bombarding my mind. He then said she was in a car accident and had been transported to the hospital and I asked if she was okay. He said he arrived on the scene after she left but that it was a bad accident. I freaked out and he kept asking if I was okay and I said yes. We hung up and I called Melanie and I know she could hear the fear in my voice. She wanted me to call Ramonne or Cheri to drive me but I was already on my way so I just overlooked that. I asked her to call Jeff , my boss, and tell him because I work alone on Thursdays so there would be no one to open the model. We hung up and I was trying to figure out where the hospital was , I just couldn’t remember. I normally don’t go toll roads but did that day. I called Sammy and spoke to him telling him I didn’t know how she was but to meet me at the hospital, I called Hailey but didn’t reach her, then called Warner and told him letting him know I would call when I got there. My mind was still racing and I began to wonder how she was transported. I had to know. So I called the police back and asked if she was transported by ambulance or helicopter and he replied ambulance. For some reason that made me think she was okay because if it was really bad they would have called Care Flight. So in a way I kind of felt peace that she was okay. As I drove on I called Angela because I knew I had taken her to see her dad at the Medical Center Plano and I thought it was at 15th and Coit. I just wasn’t processing good and wasn’t sure about this hospital. Lastly I called Jill , I didn’t get her but she called right back and I told her Alexis was in a car wreck, she asked if it was on Parker Road and I said “Yes why do you know that?” Her housekeeper had come upon it and I asked what she said. I don’t remember how she replied but I remember it scaring me because she had heard of the accident. Finally I arrived at the hospital and frantically tried to find the emergency room. After asking directions I sped to the parking lot and parked. The security guard who patrolled came and yelled at me to slow down and I told him I was sorry breaking down into tears.

Then I ran into the ER and asked to see my daughter, that I had been told she was transported there. They told me to walk through the doors. I went through and started looking for Alexis but they stopped me and told me to go sit in this little room and that a nurse would be with me in a moment.

I kept screaming is she okay and they just said a nurse would be with me. I was freaking out and alone, I have always been alone when my loved ones died : with mother, daddy, and now Alexis. I was told of Kathey’s death over the phone. So I paced in this little room waiting for the nurse who finally came in and said a doctor needed to speak to me. My heart stopped for a second and I just kept praying believing she was okay that maybe he just had to prepare me to see her because of external injuries or something. So I just waited for the doctor and it seemed like an eternity. He came in and asked me to sit down. He told me the wreck was really bad and they lost her at the scene but I think he said they got her heart beat back for awhile ( I was hopeful again) but he said the internal injuries were too severe and she was gone. I screamed. People in the waiting room told Shelby they hoped I was okay because I was screaming and I am sure that is when I screamed the loudest. My phone went off with a text from Sammy saying he was there. And I didn’t know how I was going to tell him Alexis was gone. They were so close in age there was a twin like connection. So again I just waited for my baby to come to me. Then Hailey started calling and I ignored her calls by the advice of the nurse knowing I needed to tell Tony’s mother . I couldn’t say this to Hailey over the phone. l think I screamed again not knowing what to do just waiting for my Sammy who I needed so desperately but I did not want to deliver this news. It was just surreal.

Sammy’s facial expression of concern as he walked in will forever be etched on my mind. He looked imploringly at me and asked “How is she?”. I began to cry and said she is gone. He screamed “NO” and began to fall apart. Shelby was right behind him and said “No , NO, NO” and we all cried together. This is where it gets all confusing. I think I called Mel to tell her Alexis had died and I think I called Jill also. I just remember at some point Jill was there, then my Hailey arrived. Jeff, my boss, had also come and he was a great support to me. It was just a horrible moment of grief, gut wrenching cries as we clung to each other. Warner was on his way and I think he knew, not sure on that. Everything was a blur. My pastor Keith was there, Jake the youth pastor, Lynn the equipping pastor and my dear friend Patti Ramsey and Angela who is like a daughter to me. As I said this was all a blur.

All I knew is I wanted to see my baby, I felt as if I had to see her. The nurse was trying to prepare me because there was a lot of blood but I didn’t care. We began to walk down the hall to the room Alexis was in and I began to slow down. Fear started to rise within me and I didn’t know if I could take it. The nurse and Jill hugged me and said I didn’t need to see her if I felt I couldn’t . So I decided to wait and returned to the little room where we were all gathered.

The next thing that happened or at least I believe happened was Two DPS Officers who arrived on the scene wanted to talk to me so we went to another room. At this time it was Me, Jill, and my Pastor Keith. They said Alexis was traveling at a high rate of speed and lost control on the curve, as she over corrected she veered into the oncoming traffic and a red 3500 Dodge truck impacted her on the passenger side. She went into the grass by the cabinet shop and I think died instantly. If I am correct they said she was revived briefly but the damage was too severe. I asked the troopers about the man who was driving the truck wondering if he was injured and they said his knees were hurt a little but that was it. Thankful he was okay I asked them to tell him I was thinking and praying for him and not to feel any guilt, it was just a tragic accident. I never want anyone to feel guilty; I knew how it felt to carry the burden of undeserved guilt. It can destroy you. . We then returned to the room and I decided to go see my Rosebud, this time I would make it there. I just had to see her.

Mustering up all the strength and courage that I could I began to walk down that stark white hall again, the memories that surfaced in my mind were of the recurring nightmare I had after mother died. David and Mother were in clown makeup chasing me down a stark endless hall ( it was my home on Van Pelt) accusing me of being a killer and a horrible person. I shook my head and rebuked that thought. I was not alone as I felt I was when I was18 and found my mother dead on that fateful Memorial Day. On June 7, 2012 I was surrounded by people who loved me, people who were demonstrating God’s love and grace at an unbearable time. People I was living life with, people who I had deep connections with through relationship and my church. I felt HIS presence and took a deep breath. She was in the last room on the right.

Jeff and Jill were hugging me and I’m not sure who else was there but the nurse opened the door and I closed my eyes for a moment bracing myself. The sheet was pulled over her head and they went to pull it down reminding me they couldn’t clean her up until the medical examiner came. I opened my eyes and looked at my baby who had been so full of life and such a fighter. Her face was perfect except for the blood and there was a tube in her throat. I honestly don’t recall how I reacted and I couldn’t believe she was gone because she just looked perfect. I’m not sure where the blood had come from but I don’ think there was even a scratch on her ( which is a miracle because they wouldn’t even let me see the car because it was so mangled, but John who got her things out of the car said there was just a little space around the driver’s side uninterrupted.) I didn’t pull the sheet down to look at her body though. I’m thinking I hugged her. After a while I wanted to leave the room and we returned to the little place that was now “our room” . By this time the Jensen’s had arrived (they are the ones who lost their son Alex in a skiing accident ) Warner and his parents. It was heartbreaking looking at the brokenness in my husband. Hailey and Sammy were still so upset and I was just in a fog so I really only know this from my perspective. At moments I would run to them kneeling before them grabbing their knees saying we are going to be okay with as much strength as I could, sometimes I think it came out as a question pleading for their confirmation. And at times I was immersed in my own grief.

At one point I screamed I wanted a cigarette and Sammy looked up sharply and screamed “NO” I could see the fear in his eyes that a cigarette might lead to alcohol and that might lead to meth. Even though I really wanted one I said okay and he looked so relieved. It was so heart wrenching to not be able to relieve my children’s pain. Hailey and Sammy just kept saying “no” and how they wanted to talk to her again. All I could do was hug them and assure them we would get through this somehow.

Warner answered the medical examiners questions and then there was nothing else to do at the hospital . We needed to move on and begin to plan the arrangements for our baby. Before we left the hospital we decided on Monday evening because Lynn let me know that Keith was going to be out of town that weekend. One thing I knew is I wanted my pastor Keith Spurgin to lead this service. I picked 7 o’clock and felt a little peace that a decision had been made. I had to see Alexis one more time even though they told me they would let me see her cleaned up I just had to hug her . On some level I think I was scared they might lose her or something and I wouldn’t get the chance to see her again so I went in the room . Again I’m not sure if Sammy, Hailey, and Warner went. I think they did. My only memory is of Warner crying saying “he didn’t want to see her that way” but I think he did. I only knew I had to. I kissed her cheek and brushed back her hair with my hand. I then thought about the James Avery ring I had given her for graduation 2 years ago and I pulled back the sheet a little to see if there was a ring on her finger but there wasn’t.

The James Avery ring I gave Alexis for graduation is always on my finger. I found it by the sink when I got to the house later.

She had her James Avery Cross necklace and a belly button ring they had put in an envelope. On her ear in the cartilage area there was a bar thing and I guess they couldn’t get that out , not sure what that is called.

We all then left the hospital and Jill offered her home as a place to meet. Jill is an angel from God and He has blessed me through her countless times. Jill drove me and we left the car I was driving there, she said John and Johnny would get it, Keith drove Warner, Jake drove Warner’s car, Shelby drove Sammy, and Tony drove Hailey and sweet Kendall Grace. As Jill and I left the parking lot she knew I needed Starbucks so we headed there and I got 2 Venti Skinny Caramel Lattes and we headed to Wylie. I was still having trouble processing exactly where the accident happened for some reason I thought it was near South Fork but then learned it was closer to Wylie so I asked Jill if she would show me where, she knew exactly where it was . So we headed toward the site.

We headed down Parker Road and were in Wylie before I knew it. After passing the Sonic I glanced over at the old trailer we lived in when I first got out of prison.

It seemed a lifetime ago and tears formed in my eyes as I thought of those words because it was true Alexis’ lifetime on this side of eternity was over. A funny memory surfaced of Alexis getting off the school bus one afternoon . As she ran to our trailer she looked back at her friends on the bus to wave and ran into a pole falling down. She was so embarrassed but she was laughing at herself also. She was blessed with the gift of laughing at herself.

I focused my attention on the winding road still confused about where she died but as we passed McMillan Rd Jill pointed and said it was there. We pulled off on the road by the Lutz Woodworks shop and parked. I think I got out and walked around.

Here is the scene of the accident , when we arrived the car was gone but all the fragments of Riley's toys remained. This is the only photo that really captures what I saw my first time at the scene

The orange paint in the grass and the tire tracks marked the scene. There was something plastic that was pink and blue , it was in shattered pieces. I tried to pick them up and figure out what they were but there was just too many , all I knew is it was a toy of Riley’s . I swallowed hard feeling thankful that Riley was safe at Jenn’s . I didn’t even want to imagine what would have happened if she would have been in the car.

We left for Jill’s house and met everyone there. We hadn’t been there five minutes when the home team I used to attend began to arrive with food and drinks. We learned her friends had organized a candle light vigil at New Hope which was so very sweet. Mel called me and said she would be there as soon as possible and would bring me some clothes. I was in a dress and high heels. I honestly don’t know if I will ever wear that dress again. I washed it yesterday and it brought upon a wave of sadness. It was the dress I was wearing in the photo where I am standing in the blue office and you can see my reflection in the picture of the boats being tossed by the storm. It was the dress I wore last year to celebrate the birth of my dear friend Melanie. There have been so many storms in my life, this being by far the worst but I kept reminding myself I was standing on the other side of that storm with a smile of victory on my face. Maybe God gave me insight into that photo knowing I would think of it today and knowing I would be wearing that dress. He knows every detail of our intricate lives. Nothing happens by chance and nothing happens that he does not allow.

We got down to business and started making the arrangements for Alexis. Honestly the only option we had was cremation because of cost but that was okay. Of course I didn’t know her wishes like I knew my dad’s because I never imagined losing my child. Kerri and Dan Jensen were walking us through this process. They had a public viewing for their son Alex before cremation and we thought about that but the difference in cost was about 3000 so we decided upon a basic cremation with a family viewing. Thankfully Jill called and made all those arrangements. Not long after that I got a call that Alexis had registered to be a donor and there was a list of questions to answer. She couldn’t donate organs because they didn’t use a ventilator ( I think) but she could donate tissue. It made me cry that she had registered . What a thoughtful , thoughtful young girl. The questions took about 30 minutes and some of the questions were crazy . ( if she had been transplanted with animal parts or being around others who had . They asked if she had had diseases that I had never heard of. It was a long and exhausting conversation and I almost lost my cool. I understand it was important just so very hard to answer at that time.)

At some point I did a post on Facebook because the news was traveling fast and I had received some condolences so I knew it would be best to announce the death of my daughter. Immediately after posting the news the encouragement started pouring in. It was so comforting to read everyone’s concern. Mel called all our close friends and I called my niece, nephews, and my brother in law Carl.

Warner, Sammy, Hailey, Riley, and I went back to the site. This was tough as we walked around where she took her last breath. I am a crier but I don’t think I have ever cried tears that came from so deep within. It is hard to explain but these tears came from the depth of my spirit and soul. This is a grief I have never known and I am so familiar with grief. Sammy picked up something that we knew was part of her car, we think the door handle to I grabbed it and it is in my purse. Every now and then I pull it out and hold it in my hand rubbing it, it is somewhat comforting as my fingers fit perfectly around it. That may sound morbid but it gives me comfort.

Riley looked at the pink and blue pieces of plastic and told us that was from her bucket that they would take to the lake. Sadly she said she used it to make sand castles. As she said that I thought of the photos Alexis had posted recently of Riley swimming at the lake and the sand castles they made. A wave a grief washed over me again. The range of emotions was overwhelming.

At moments I would yell at God asking him "WHY?” I felt it wasn't fair I had lost so much already; I was trying to serve HIM and share HIS love and grace with a hurting world. I was trying to be obedient and I thought it JUST wasn't fair but then a peace would wash over me calming me down and I would remember HIS word and recite it over and over. Specifically Proverbs 3 :5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart lean not on your own understanding . I could almost physically feel HIS embrace and I could rest in his peace, at least for a moment.

We headed back to Jills and around 6:30 or so Mel, Lisa, and Delaine arrived. They brought me Starbucks and some turkey and cheese. I smiled that my friends knew me so well and I felt so very loved , I love to eat meat. They came in and hung out until we left for the candle light vigil. We all got in our cars and headed to New Hope.

As we drove down Brown Street towards New Hope my stomach began to twist and turn and I felt very anxious. It will seem silly but I was concerned no one would be there and that would break my heart for Alexis. I didn’t want her , Hailey, Sammy or her friends who put this together to be hurt. I kept telling myself that she had just died that morning so the odds of there being many people at this vigil were slim although the news had spread fast. We took a right into the parking lot of the church and I didn’t see many cars and I said a prayer leaving it all up to God. Then we pulled to the side of the church and there were cars everywhere. There was a big circle of chairs with people milling around and I began to cry softly so very touched by the outpouring of love. We got out of the car and began to walk to the circle. The first person I saw was David Landis, who had been Alexis’ boyfriend for almost three years. They had not been together in a while but he was the boy she had loved and Alexis and I had just spoke about him on Tuesday. David and I hugged and I asked him to sit with us. I could tell he was heartbroken and not sure how to process this loss.

I thought back to my first boyfriend from 8th and 9th grade dying in March. Hal’s death had a huge impact on me and that was just puppy love so I knew this was going to be hard on David even though they were not together. I looked across the circle and saw Jennifer and Rachel Speicher and that touched my heart, Alexis and Rachel had been best friends their sophomore and junior years and although they had drifted apart there was still a strong bond . Riley informed me she and Mommy had gone swimming over at Rachel’s recently and I was happy about that. Beth and Leah came to hug our necks, they had organized the vigil and I could tell their hearts were just broken.

Sammy , Hailey, Warner, and I grabbed our candles and looked through the sea of faces. I think someone said they thought 100 + people were there. Then I looked to my right and saw Riley’s biological father. I had not seen him in over three years and I didn’t know how I felt about that. He looked upset and I remember Riley running around ,as three year olds do, and I got extremely nervous but then I realized she didn’t know him from Adam. She recognized David, but didn’t know who her biological father was. I don’t think he had seen her since she was a baby. He was just another stranger there and I felt calm again. The most important thing to me was that Riley would not have any more surprises that day and I didn’t think her biological father would do anything to hurt her, he had not made any attempt to see her for the last three years and had not provided any support for Riley. So I didn’t think he would cause us problems but I was so wrong about that although that came later in the service.

Alan, our children’s pastor, started the service and we all prayed. It meant a lot to me that Alan was there to lead this, he had helped me with some healing therapy concerning my dad and it had been very emotional for all of us. He is a good man with an awesome testimony and I felt honored that he was there to honor my Rosebud. After praying and saying a few things he asked people to come into the middle of the circle and share memories of Alexis. At first people were hesitant but then as one person shared people began to get more comfortable and many shared their thoughts and memories about Alexis. It was so wonderful to hear all about my daughter.

The most common phrase we heard about her was that Alexis was hilarious and everyone was so happy when she was in their class. They knew it would be a fun year if Alexis Rose Washington was in it. The next most common statement was Alexis spoke her mind and didn’t care what anyone thought. That she was bold and courageous and would stand up for those less fortunate. The records she held at Wylie High School were for the most tardies and most consecutive days in ISS. To date those records have not been broken :) I remember Alexis laughing and saying those would probably be the only records she ever held, I just laughed along with her. Then the funny stories started and we laughed through our tears. Alexis was such a funny , funny, girl.

I was so touched to see Alexis’ former teacher Mrs. Chapman. Mrs. Chapman taught the parenthood class and she always loved Alexis. I remember her telling me she never worried about Alexis because Alexis was going to make it . She said “ Alexis has strength, passion, intelligence, and drive !! She will go for” I always remembered those words and would cling to them as Alexis struggled after graduating. Earlier in the year Alexis was struggling with what she wanted to do and I told her to call Mrs. Chapman and ask her for advice. They had a great talk and I knew Alexis felt better about things. When Mrs. Chapman got up to share she began to cry and I could tell how much she really loved Alexis. My heart was overflowing. The program came to the end and Riley’s father approached me saying he needed to talk. I said a prayer and said okay . I led him away from Riley so she couldn’t hear because I didn’t have a clue to what he had to say. I was shocked by what came out of his mouth...........

He said I work full time and I want Riley, she is my daughter. I think my mouth dropped open and I looked at him putting my hands in the air and said “hold up, first of all this is not the time for this conversation , I JUST LOST MY DAUGHTER TODAY !! And secondly if you had a full time job Alexis would have been receiving child support because she has had a case against you with the Attorney General for years. “ I couldn’t believe he had just done that to me, I was shaking . Riley came running between us grabbing my legs then twirling around and my heart melted with love for her and I vowed to protect her in any way I could. At that moment the girl with Riley’s biological father hit him and screamed in an angry voice “Tell her who you are , Tell her who you are “ I then screamed “NO” gently pushing Riley towards Jill , Mel, Lisa, and Delaine.

I just was in shock that someone could speak to me in that way hours after my daughter died and how another could want a complete stranger to reveal to a precious three year old that he was her father, a father who NEVER came to see her. Riley just lost her mother: her rock, her anchor, her everything .

My heart always hurt for Riley because she didn’t have a Daddy and I wondered how we would address this issue when she got older. I always thought Alexis would meet someone who would love her and Riley and Riley would finally have a daddy but until then she would just have her “different kind of family” as Alexis would say. And although we are different there is a lot of love especially a lot of love for that precious three year old that captured all of our hearts when she was born in 2008. She had spent her whole life living with her Mi Mi, Papa, Hailey, Momma, and Sammy. That was the family she knew and I know she felt and feels secure in being loved . That little girl is adored but I wondered how that amazingly intelligent little brain processed about a “ Daddy”. She would talk about Tony being Kendall’s daddy but she never once said who is my daddy , why doesn’t he love me, why doesn’t he ever see me. Maybe God was protecting her because she never asked , I think she just felt complete in the family in which she lived and Alexis loved her so much trying to make up for the absentee father. In my opinion she was successful because Riley never missed her missing Daddy and I was not about to let anyone plant a seed in her mind on the day her mother died . I looked at both of them wondering if they had hearts and said a prayer remembering the Bible says in Matthew : But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you" - Jesus of Nazareth, as recorded in Matthew 5:44 (NIV translation). So I said a prayer and walked away. Minutes later I looked back and saw Hailey and the biological father having words, well it seemed like Hailey had all the words and her huge fiancé was standing behind her ready to protect. I think Tony’s presence dissuaded any response from the biological father. As I watched Hailey I began to smile somewhat because that behavior was more indicative of Alexis than Hailey but Hailey was going to step out of her comfort zone to protect her sister’s baby girl , a baby girl she had loved like her own since she watched her birth almost 4 years before. Sammy was standing by and then some men from the church went and talked to Hailey not wanting anything to happen . That was the last we saw of the biological father, he hasn’t called or stopped by to even check on Riley. He came in as a tordado wreaking havoc on the worst day of my life then left again leaving us with the after math much like he had done to Alexis when Riley was born.

We left the candle light service and drove by the crash site one more time . It was still so hard to believe that she was gone. She was there one minute and gone the next. As we walked around the site Sammy wanted to make a cross to put at the site and we all agreed. As I was walking back to my car I noticed something goldish tan and knew it was from Alexis’ car. I picked it and held it in my hand turning it over and over. For some reason it made me think of the comforting cross I had sent to my friend , Sharon , who had been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. Strangely enough it brought me comfort , it fit in my hand perfectly and was part of the car that my daughter died in. I vowed to always carry it and I have kept that vow keeping it in my purse at all times . When I am sad I will pull it out holding it between my fingers and pray. It is my special comforting "handle" reminding me to hold on to Jesus and that he was there with Alexis.

 Here is the door handle I found . It has been in my purse since that day .

We were worn out and had a big day the next day. We had to plan Alexis’ service and we were scheduled for a family viewing at 1:00 at the funeral home in Sachse. So for the first time since we lost Alexis we went our separate ways deciding to meet at Jill's house in the morning, it would be Friday June 8th. I had decided to sleep at Jill’s and there was a group going to get something to eat at Chili’s . I hugged Sammy, Shelby, Riley, and Warner then got in the car with Delaine to go eat. About 15 of us went to eat and it was nice to sit in the restaurant and just be with Hailey, Hailey’s friends, many from my home team , Delaine, and Melanie ( who is always there for me ). After eating Delaine drove me back to Jill’s and I crawled into bed thinking I would fall asleep easily but it was as if I became more alert . That is when the deep racking sobs began. I don’t know if I have ever cried tears from such a deep place before . It was as if I was in the depths of despair but I didn’t try to fight it I just cried until it hurt but when I finally quit crying sleep still eluded me and all I could think of was my baby. Her life flashed before my eyes and I began to cry again until I finally dozed off . I would wake every hour on the hour and each time I would be somewhat confused then the reality would set in and the painful sobs would begin again. I prayed for sleep and the next thing I knew is it was about 7 in the morning and I opened my eyes with the sun shining through the curtains. My first thought was at this time yesterday Alexis was still alive , it seemed unreal and then I remembered the dream I had . I dreamed Alexis was beautiful in a white flowing dress hugging my sister Kathey who was also beautiful in white . The only thing odd about the dream is Kathey was as I remembered her in her 20’s when she was newly married and began having her children. They both shined with the vibrancy of youth and that brought peace to my broken heart. I got up to get ready for my day. It was June 8, 2012 the day after Alexis died.