Proverbs 14:12 There is a way that appears to be right, but in the end it leads to death.

Earlier I was thinking about how important it is to seek God’s will and wait for his voice when making decisions. It reminded me that every choice we make needs to line up with God’s word and if it doesn’t it is out of HIS will. It reminded me of how we, in our flesh, can twist, manipulate, rationalize ,and justify our choices  until they seem right in our twisted minds  but in the end it will lead to death because we are blinded by our own will and desires.

It reminded me of a situation that seemed so right at the time but it ended so very badly because although I started off trying my best to be honest in the end I tried to hide the truth. Let me take you back.

It was February of 2002 and I had just graduated (with honors I might add : )) from a 6 month court ordered rehab in Overton Texas.  I was excited about my new life; I was clean, sober, and determined to stay that way.  Being a felon was new to me so I didn’t know what to expect so I expected nothing. I thought my life would return to normal and I would just find another teaching job. After about a week of settling in at my dad’s house I set out to find a job substituting and started looking for a district. Garland ISD was out of the question  because they had fired me  the year before because of my drug charges, I think the Dallas Morning News article about me was slightly embarrassment to the district.  I thought Rockwall ISD might be a little too close for comfort since there had been a huge article in the Rockwall Herald Banner about the drug bust at my home and the sheriff  finding the meth lab and all so I decided to try another city.  I called Royce City ISD and  Terrell ISD.

When I got someone in HR in Terrell  it was kind of crazy because they were in immediate need for a substitute teacher  for one child who needed one on one supervision in each of his classes. I had called at what I thought was the perfect time and was hired to start the next Monday without filling out any paperwork.  This opened door surprised me so I thought I will tell them about the 2nd degree felony for manufacturing methamphetamine a little later. I thought this is a God thing: they will see what a wonderful teacher I am then will keep me in spite of the felony. This is God (even though I didn’t even know HIM then) opening a door for me. But the problem was I wasn’t being honest, I was trying to hide the truth  even if  just  for a little while. The hiding of the truth  did not line up with God’s word. I needed to make sure they knew all the facts up front because what ultimately happened is it all came tumbling down on me.

Finally after about a month or so of working I went to see the Assistant Superintendent to tell him about my charges. He told me it would probably be okay and I left with a smile on my face thinking this long term sub position was mine until the end of the year. Later when I was in the classroom with my one student three administrators walked into the room and asked me to come with them bringing all my belongings. I was then let go and escorted out of the building and told not to return.  I was devastated, heartbroken, and humiliated by this treatment.  The worthlessness I struggled with washed all over me again and I felt like a nothing. It was at this point I knew the chances of teaching again were very slim. It was a tough blow and I let it eat away at me. The worthlessness and  hopelessness I thought I had discarded jumped right back onto me and I would carry that debilitating baggage for years.    Soon after that  I relapsed , got a new charge, went to prison , etc.

If I would have made someone at the district listen to me at the very beginning and been totally honest the letdown would not have been so great . I would have basically just not got the job and I would have known it was because of my charges. I would not have experienced the humiliation of being escorted by administrators out the door . I would have not felt so personally rejected if I would have been honest to begin with. Since that  I have been totally upfront and honest with every job some I didn’t get and some others I did because they admired my courage and openness.

So although taking this job  without letting them know the truth seemed right  at the time in my messed up mind  it lead to death . It was not God’s will because I was not walking in truth. Since that experience I try my best to align my choices and what I think I am hearing from God with his word because I know I can get so terribly off in my own power. I also seek guidance from others that I respect because I know I have blind spots , WE ALL do so we need others speaking into our lives holding us accountable.  By no means do I do this right all the time and I have gotten hurt again when I have tried to twist God’s word and will to meet my own desires. I am just thankful he guides me back on track sometimes it is gentle and sometimes he has to throw a brick in my window to get my attention. I will share that story later.