Another instance where God tried to open my eyes but I refused to see.

Yesterday  I went to Lakewood to have lunch with my dear friend Kelly Secker. It is always so nice to spend time with her . Each time I drive to Lakewood I always go down Garland Rd. under 635 to Gaston and never fail to notice the old Hypermart located on Garland Rd.  As I glanced at the closed building mixed emotions began to rise within me.  I only have one memory of going to that store and it ended very badly. It was 2001 and I was at the peak of my drug use but I didn’t have enough money to support my habit so I had resorted to getting pills for the cook I knew. The problem with this “2^nd job” was those pills were hard to come by. Trying to crack down on the manufacturing of meth you could only by 3 boxes at a time, it took a lot more than 3 boxes of pills  to feed my habit.  On this fateful trip , the only one I remember at this store, I bought some pills , bought some  face wash, and I shoplifted some boxes of pills. I went through the line and paid for part of my merchandise.  As I walked out of the store I was very nervous and anxious. Sure enough  a guy from the Loss Prevention Team ran  out of the store and stopped me. I was caught. He took me in the store and up to an office where he questioned me.  I thought I would be able to leave since the amount I shoplifted only came to about $11 but it turned out that I had a warrant for my arrest because I had gotten a ticket for my inspection sticker being out of date and had never paid it so I was arrested.  As the police arrived to take me to jail I stupidly told him I was a teacher at Lakeview Centennial High School.  I don’t know why I always did that , I guess in my twisted mind it made me sound better .  I needed him to know that even though I was stealing pills to support my meth habit I was a teacher.  It made me sound  respectable I guess. I don’t think he saw it that way. Immediately he called our SRO and told him what was going on. After being booked into the Garland jail I called my husband then my dad who paid to get me out. I made up some crazy story that I guess my dad believed on some level. The next morning I was called into the principal’s office to discuss my arrest. Honestly I can’t remember how I explained my actions but I did and went back to class . It was so humiliating on so many levels , everything was being exposed and I was running out of ways to cover up. That is one thing I hated the most about that time – everything was crazy and out of control but I still wouldn’t stop. The craziness was driving me crazy and my life was so out of control.  I have written in detail about God throwing bricks in my window to try and stop me , but  he started with rocks and I still couldn’t or wouldn’t  see a way out.  This arrest was horrific and so embarrassing  and I still didn’t change . In my sick mind I thought “ I have had a lot of bad luck lately ( totaled cars, lapsing insurance, DEA agents busting in on me, losing my job , being evicted from my home, etc)   things will turn around now.  I was thinking “how much bad luck can one person have, it is time for my luck to be good” Problem was that I was looking at myself as a victim when in reality I was creating all the chaos.  All I know is I was blind, looking back it is so clear but that is because God has opened my eyes and now I can see, for that I am thankful. Anytime I speak to someone struggling with drug use I tell them once they stop the craziness will end. It takes time and work to put your life back together but it is possible when the insanity ends.

I recently  learned that some people were mocking me because of my faith. At first my feelings were hurt because I am such a people pleaser wanting others to like me, I have always been that way . But the hurt soon faded and I didn’t care. My faith is genuine and I am so thankful for my relationship with Jesus because I know where I would be without HIM : if not dead , or in prison, I would be in that crazy cycle of addiction  . If that was the case  I would be mocked for being a strung out meth addict.   So I am proud to be addicted to Jesus now and people can think what they want. I will continue to share what HE has done and will do in my life.  There is no bitterness about these people making fun of me ,I will pray for their hearts to be softened and their eyes to be opened just like HE did for me. He has brought me a long way.

This is a simple form of persecution and the Bible warns us of this so I will shrug off my hurt feelings and continue to glorify God, who redeemed my life from destruction about 100 times .

1 Peter 4:16 Yet if any man suffer as a Christian, let him not be ashamed; but let him glorify God on this behalf.

Today marks 7 months: The last person to see and speak to Alexis : Jen Bernal, in her words.

              This was one of my favorite pictures of AlexisToday marks 7 months since Alexis Rose died. My heart is heavy and hopeful at the same time. I have spent my day finalizing the proposal for my book, working on the adoption of my Riley,  and  preparing to speak at Rockwall Heath High School tomorrow . As you can see I have been all over the place today. But as I reflect on her death I want to share a letter with you. Jen Bernal who is Riley’s babysitter and has been for approximately 10 months was the last person to see Alexis and speak to her. WOW !!! So awhile back I asked her to tell me about the day Alexis died. She sent me this last Wed although she wrote it awhile back , Jen's message to me : 

I wrote this back when I got your message, but have had a hard time sending it to you. I don't know why, I just have...I was watching a lifetime Christmas movie & bawled by eyes out the whole time I wrote it. :/ But I know you want it so here it is.<3 y'all.

The day Alexis died...

 It was a regular morning, but Alexis was running a little late. When she arrived she was all in a rush. I opened the door & she dropped Riley off & ran back to the car to get Riley's backpack. That moment instantly freeze framed in my mind. She ran it back to the door & told Riley, " I love you baby." as she ran back to the car & was off to work.
 A little later that morning we got the call. My phone was on silent so all I knew was Keith had called. I was all upset panicking thinking something had to have happened to my mom. I felt all worked up preparing myself for bad news, but nothing could have prepared me for what Keith had to say. When he told me Riley's mom, Alexis died I was in complete shock. First in tears then I kept saying,"I have to be strong for Riley. If the kids see me cry they will be upset. I'm okay, it's okay." Keith said, “It’s okay to not be okay. I'll be here if you need to talk." So I got off the phone & Richard asked what happened. He just knew by my expression &fell apart. We had been taking care of Riley for a little while &just started to really get to know Alexis a little better. All we could think about is how we wanted to scoop Riley up & hold her & love her because we knew how hard it would be for her when she found out. It hurt so bad looking at her knowing there wasn't a thing I could do to fix it. That this sweet baby would never see her mom again. All of the days Alexis had picked her up before replayed thru my mind. How Riley would run to the door & scream all excited,"Mommy!" & Alexis would say,"Hi babyyy!" It was so hard. Richard looked at me & said, “We will be here for Riley from this point on. In whatever way they need us to be." I agreed. We regained composure & I put on a movie thinking maybe it would help keep my mind off of things. It was "We bought a zoo". I had no idea what it was about when I turned it on, but it was exactly what Riley was about to face. A family that lost their wife/mother & moved & bought a zoo to try to cope with their loss. The kids all made pallets & watched the movie. Riley asked several times,"When will Mommy be here?" " I want Mommy." She didn't ordinarily ask. Her little eyes looked sad & like she was in deep thought. I felt like she just knew. She also told me her mommy's eyes were swollen. I don't know what that was about, but keeping it all together knowing what I knew when she said all this it took everything in me not to fall apart. The rest of the day is a blur. I kept our schedule as normal as possible until Warner, Sammy, & Shelby came to pick her up. After she left I cried like a baby.

This brought forth healing for me and I was so glad Alexis’ last words to Riley were "I Love You". I am so thankful for Jen. God is so good and bringing healing but STILL at times I am just shocked one of my children have died. Some of the hardest times are seeing that people are getting engaged, married, celebrating their 21^st birthdays. When I read these things I am so happy for the kids but saddened too because Alexis will never experience this but in those moments of grief I picture her smiling in Heaven and as Riley exclaimed this morning “ When we get to Heaven Momma will be my Momma again” I told her she is still and will always be your Momma, I will just be your new Momma until then : )) We hugged tightly and she smiled and said “Right now Momma is smiling and jumping from cloud to cloud"  I think she is right . Alexis is celebrating with all her friends getting married and turning 21. She is watching over all of us.

Alexis Rose showed up at the Rose Bowl Parade as a TULIP :)) Typical Alexis :))

It was a beautiful New Year’s Day and I have good story , well it is really a God story starring God with Alexis in a supporting role.  First let me give you a little background. As you know we bought the rose to put on the Donate Life Float and I wanted to get a photo of the float so badly but didn’t think that would be possible until my friend Lisa Durbin Cortez contacted me and said she lived in Pasadena and would take a photo for me. That was such a blessing and that is a great story in itself:  Lisa and I went to High School together but she is a couple of years younger than I.  I knew her brother Les who was a year behind me fairly well when we were in High School. He died about 6 1/2 years ago which deeply saddened me. As with so many other classmates Lisa and I reconnected on Facebook. We had a connection through Les and through Andra Campbell ( because I dated her brother) so although we didn’t really know each other we really did if you know what I mean. She like so many others didn’t know the secrets I carried from my childhood and how my life got so off track.  When she learned of my trials and tribulation  she was so very encouraging and supportive as were so many others. I have immensely enjoyed talking with her. It was so sweet of her to offer to take the photo. That could have been the end of the story but  NO this turned into an adventure : ))

As I said  this story goes beyond two high school acquaintances becoming friends with one being so kind to take a photo for the other, a photo that would mean so much. This is a GOD story . This is a story that revealed Alexis and God to me on so many levels.  So let’s take a trip to Pasadena, California . First of all Lisa SOMEHOW found  the actual rose that was dedicated in Alexis’ name and got a picture of that as they were preparing to build the floats.

The Rose dedicated In Alexis' name

I was so touched by that because there had to be a gazillion roses and she told me she would get a photo of the float after it was completed.  I was so excited !!  This will be something the Roo can have forever to remember our sweet Alexis.. These photos will become precious eternal memories of and for my Rosebud . As I watched the parade on TV we screamed loudly when the float went by as Riley shrieked “There’s my Momma “and I took a photo of the photo of the float. It wasn’t that great but I waited in anticipation to hear from Lisa.  The photos came later with the greatest story of all that made me know God and Alexis were with Lisa the whole time !!  

We will now take up with Lisa’s story in her own words. This is priceless stuff !! I got chills when she shared this adventure  feeling the presence of my baby that I miss so badly and feeling the presence of my Heavenly Father.

Susan, they always park the floats for viewing not far from my house. It has always been one of my favorite things to do, to see the floats close up. There are only about a gazillion people in Pasadena so I thought I would go later by myself to take a close up of the float, so about 4:30 I drove down. I was in luck because I found parking right in front of our church/school and walked over, so you can imagine my horror when I saw the sign that said the last ticket sales to view the floats was 3 pm!!! So, I walked up to the fence and there was a big worker and I said, I need to walk straight over to that float and take a picture and come right back. He said "no" can't let you in. I said, "even if I give you full price and I'm just in there 10 min?" He said, "No". I said" I don't think you understand, I promised to get a close up of that heart". I think he was tired of me and told me to walk over to the exit and maybe the police would not be watching and I could get in over there. So, I get to the exit area and all these people are walking out and the Pasadena police are on the right side , they have security guards posted there and I sweetly asked the new big security guy if I could just walk in and get a picture of that float right over there??? He said, "can't let you”   So, I looked at the police and I looked back and I said "Please, I need to take a picture of just that float for my friend, she lost her daughter and she needs a close up picture of that heart, she lives in Texas and can't be here today and I can't come back tomorrow" and he said  “I lived in Texas for two years" In Plano! AND THEN, he said, "I'm going to step over there and talk to that family.  He let me slip in behind him, Susan!!!! You have never seen an old lady run so fast!! I thought the other security guards were going to come after me!!! It was so funny!! So I get to the float and start taking pictures and talking to the workers and then I think “hmmm, I'm already in here, might as well go take some other pictures and I went off to try and find the float that had two owls. It was starting to get dark and I thought, wait a minute, what if I can get a rose from the float, and I said "Alexis, I think we can get a rose, I'm going back to talk to the nice lady" and Alexis didn't say it, but I know she was there because I walked back over and I slowly walked around the float plotting in my mind how to get one and I walked all the way around and there were no flowers on the ground but the  I walked back around again and this TULIP was lying under the heart! And I said, Alexis I know this is you because that was not there a minute ago. So I went up the two workers that were there and said sweetly, can I please have that tulip for my friend in Texas? It's on the ground and needs a home. And they said "yes , I hugged them both and said "what are the odds I could have one of the roses" and they said, "don't push it. So then, when I walked out, I went up to the security guy and told him "you have no idea what you just did. You are going to have a little 4 year old child in Texas praying for you and a whole bunch of other people!!! Then, once I got to my car, I realized I forgot to ask his name!

 The tulip Alexis dropped for Lisa to find :))

Many of you may be thinking I wish she could have gotten a rose instead of a tulip but the TULIP is perfect !!  When Alexis was just a little older than Riley and we lived in the rock house in Rockwall ( We always called it the rock house because it was made out of stone , no drug innuendo intended )  she stole about 20 tulips from a very mean ladies garden. I will never forget a knock on my door with a screaming lady saying my daughter just stole all her tulips. You would have thought they were prize winning tulips as angry as she was : )))  I caught Alexis red handed  with all those tulips gently laid in her bedroom.  We laughed about the tulip story always and it was something we always kidded Alexis about causing all of us to laugh and smile at the memory.  Being the witty girl that she was, and she was witty, of course she dropped a tulip so all of our smiles would reach deep within the melody of our hearts as we remembered our Rosebud stealing all those tulips years ago. It is a beautiful memory and this is a beautiful story :)  Thank you Lisa !!! This has certainly been a  Journey for my Heart , in so many ways !!

There are 26 red roses placed in the corner in remembrance of the Sandy Hook victims.

Neighborsgo : Resident Faces More Tragedy

http://www.neighborsgo.com/blogs/1/91037

We need to remember how much GOD LOVES us:) More than we love our own children , WOW !!

I try not to be anxious but at times I am and I know that is a sin because the Bible is clear about this  (Philippians 4:6-7 Be anxious for nothing but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God which surpasses all understanding , willguard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.) What I don’t want is my children to hurt , I love them so much. As I have said before I will never forget the looks on their faces  when they learned Alexis died. They were in such deep pain  and all I wanted to do was take it from them. As I witnessed their sorrow I forgot about my own. My pain doesn’t matter when I think of theirs. It is overwhelming when I hear  Riley say “I miss Heaven Mommy” with her eyes swimming in tears. It’s heartbreaking to hear Hailey cry and say “ I miss her so much,  I just hope she knows I loved her “. It is devastating to watch Sammy in his grief , missing the  sister he had such a strong bond with. They were Irish twins born within 12 months of each other and they were so very close. It hurts to  hear him say “I just can’t imagine growing old without her”.  And that is only what I observed ,  I don’t know what goes on behind the walls they have constructed to protect themselves, what their thoughts are, or what their fears are.

All I want to do is shield them from anymore loss or pain.  I love my kids that much and I pray protection around all of us . Right after Alexis died I decided I wasn’t scared to die because I just missed her so much, if it was my time it was but then I worried about those left behind because I saw the pain they felt when she died. They love me and need me so much. I am their rock I know that.  I never want them to hurt that way again but of course I have no control over what happens but  it just gnaws away at me. As I was driving home on Christmas Day in the snow  and ice with Shelby, Sammy, and Riley in the car I was a nervous wreck.  121 was awful and I was responsible for these three people  ( well four  since Shelby is carrying my grand son)  that I love with all my heart.  I prayed the whole way and Sammy was awesome trying to keep me calm. I just love them so much.

At times I worry I feel too much and then as I was driving home tonight  I thought about how God feels about us. In (Matthew 7  ⁹ “You parents—if your children ask for a loaf of bread, do you give them a stone instead? ¹⁰ Or if they ask for a fish, do you give them a snake? Of course not! ¹¹ So if you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good gifts to those who ask him. )

This made me realize how much God loves me and I felt an overwhelming peace and gratitude knowing he is in control .  It was really very powerful and comforting. This comforted me in my mourning because I know that Christ is with me and loves me more than I could even imagine, more than I love my own babies. Because of Christ my mourning is not the kind which has no hope--—it is a mourning of faith in the goodness and wisdom of God; it is a mourning that  believes  our Heavenly Father makes no mistakes even where the death of Alexis is concerned.

As I have said God always swoops in and comforts me. He is good, always faithful, and I know without a shadow of a doubt that He Loves Me. I refuse to believe the lies the enemy wants me to believe and to do that I need to stay strong in the Lord and the power of HIS might . He is always protecting me.