A Revelation revealed!! I need to forgive !!

Mark 11:25-26

New International Version (NIV)

²⁵ And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.” ^[26

I had a revelation yesterday as I listened to MY sermon : )) Lately I have felt I had some unforgiveness in my heart and I have diligently been working on that . Praying for anyone that I felt I was holding a grudge against, racking my brain and heart wondering what offense I’m holding onto  that is blocking me from  being closer to God. I want more than anything to be obedient to the Lord but  I have still felt a little unsettled. Here is how this revelation was revealed : )))

The other morning I noticed Warner as he was sitting on the edge of his bed with his head held down. He was just looking into the dresser with a far away look  in his eyes. There was such a look of sadness on his face and his posture suggested brokenness . My heart hurt for him. His pain was so evident but I knew there was nothing I could do to ease it, he just needed to feel it.  His brokenness was imbedded in my mind.

Yesterday morning as I listened to my message in my head  : )) I had  a déjà vu moment  as that picture of Warner in  his pain and brokenness surfaced in my mind and I was instantly  taken back to June 5^th of 1999. I was standing in my father’s garage. We had just returned from Panhandle, Texas  where we had attended my beloved sister’s funeral. My father was standing in his door way barely able to hold himself up because the burden of grief was so very heavy. As I looked at him I didn’t know if he would ever recover from this tragic loss of his favorite child,  honestly he had never recovered from David’s suicide. 

With tears streaming down his face he asked me if I was okay because  some people had expressed concern about me. I was not okay by any means, I was using  meth every day and had even taken it  on the plane to use before/ during/ and after  Kathey’s  service.  That was the only way I could function  ( or so I thought ). Honestly I was a mess and things were spiraling out of control at such a fast rate.

But as I looked at this man who had always been bigger than life to me, who I wanted to be proud of me more than anything, who I just wanted to hear the words “I love you Susan” come from his mouth and see his eyes light up at the mention of my name as they did when he thought of Kathey : as I looked at him in this state I saw his weakness and I was shocked. He wasn’t who I perceived him to be and I knew he couldn’t handle the truth which I wasn’t ready to admit either so I lied and said I was fine .  (But on some level I resented him because what I really wanted was to run into his open arms and say “Daddy please help me I am hurting so badly". And for him to hug me tightly and say “It will all be okay, I will take care of you and fix everything“ , I wanted him to comfort and assure me but I had to comfort and assure him)

As the images of my dad and Warner collided I realized I needed to forgive them  (because sub consciously I was holding an offense against both of them). I needed to forgive them for letting me down and not living up to the expectations that I had built up in my mind that men are always strong and will take care of you. Those unrealistic expectations were impossible for them to attain. 

As this revelation dawned on me it helped me to find forgiveness for my dad on a much deeper level, forgiving his neglect of me as a teenager .  All the walls he built up to keep people out were a result of his weakness and fear of facing the truth. It seems his mantra for life after David died and more so after Kathey’s death became  “Keep people at a distance and then you won’t be hurt”  “Don’t feel  because it hurts too bad”  but of course the problem with that is when you don’t feel you might not feel the pain but you don’t feel the joy either   and you miss out on so much.

This realization helps me to forgive Warner for not dealing with the grief of losing our daughter the way I think he should. He is doing the best that he can and he is a good man with a wonderful heart.  My heart feels a little lighter now.

Another realization that came to light is I need to forgive myself for surviving. I believe there has been a type of survivor’s guilt that I made it through, barely but I MADE IT : )))   I chose to cling to the strength God instilled in me  and I can’t feel guilty that mother and daddy didn’t. Their  destruction was not my fault  and it wasn’t my fault they didn’t choose life and HIS light. I can’t feel bad that I did !! So today from the depth of my heart I forgive those who let me down and I forgive myself for hanging on and surviving the pain.

And as I finished writing Bubble Guppies was on in the background and I heard the familiar Hoot of an Owl and glanced at the TV to see a cute MOON Owl. I think that was a sign I am on the right track : ))

June 11, 2012 Part 2- A Celebration of Alexis Rose's Life

Peri and I drove to Wylie and met Hailey, Tony, Sammy, Shelby, Warner, and Riley at our house. We then followed each other up to New Hope. It was about 5:30. There were only a few cars there so we parked and went into the church.  The lobby looked so nice. There was a table with some of Alexis’ favorite things and items that we thought best described Alexis.

We put the bear and blanket she made for Riley there and the “prom” dress she had sewn.  Her camera and photos sat atop the table as well. We were escorted into one of the rooms where my life group was serving us dinner. As I walked in I saw my sister’s children.  Courtney and his wife Brea , Chris and his wife Joy who had driven in from Amarillo, and my niece Jennifer  who drove in from San Antonio . My brother in law Carl was there as well with his wife Susan.

Then Warner’s parents arrived and his sister Mary and her husband Keith.  Melanie arrived not long after as well as my good friend Cheri. It was nice to see all the familiar faces and to sit down for  a dinner. Cheri and Peri had a lot of fun talking with my niece and nephews because they had helped me babysit them numerous times at Cedar Creek Lake, when we were in our young twenties,  when my sister and Carl would go on a trip.

Somewhat anxious I had to get up and move around. I walked toward the “sanctuary” and opened the door. My breath was taken away as I looked at all the beautiful flowers at the front of the church. There were tons of flowers, plants, and sprays so I went to read all of the cards. As I was admiring all the flowers my friend Linda began to play the  music video of Alexis .

This was the first time I heard and saw the songs combined with the photos and I began to cry because of the reality of it all. Taking a deep breath I pulled myself together to try and practice what I was going to say.  My mind could not focus so I threw away my notes and said a prayer letting God know I needed him .

The others had finished dinner and it was getting close to 7 so everyone trickled into the church. My family and I stood at the door as the guests began to arrive.  My heart was overflowing at all the people who kept streaming in handing me cards. It was decided that the family and close friends would go sit down as the guests were ushered to their seats. At that point I wasn’t really aware of who had come. We sat on the first two rows and then my daughter's funeral began. It still seemed unreal that she was really gone.

We started with worship and the songs I had chosen were Healer and Shout to the Lord. As Kerri , Rita, and Courtney began to sing and play I rose from my chair lifting my hands up to my God and singing from the depth of my heart.

I needed to feel HIS presence at the moment more than I ever had, I needed HIM to be my refuge and my strength. My hands were lifted praising my God claiming HIS goodness as the tears streamed down my face. It was one of the most emotional moments of my life. The song Hurt and Healer describes those moments perfectly “where glory meets my suffering“. It was overwhelming.

I think after the worship we played the music video to the songs “Angel” and “Over You”. I am confused about the order events but I will do my best. That was probably the most emotional for everyone because we looked at the life of Alexis: her family, her friends, her humor, and of course her loving relationship with our  Riley Roo. A clip to the video is below.

Alexis Rose Washington from Susan DeFace Washington on Vimeo.

After the worship time Jake Vicknair New Hopes Youth Pastor spoke first . He shared about when he first came to New Hope and was told he had a pregnant teen in his group.  He wondered how this pregnant teen would handle everything. He said that Alexis always fit in and always paid attention. After she had Riley she brought her friends to youth and two of those girls had become leaders at New Hope and one of them , her friend Katie, was serving in Africa as a short term missionary. And even though Alexis had strayed from church he was amazed at the impact she had. You never know whose lives you impact .

After Jake spoke Alexis’ grandfather Warner Washington Jr. came up to read scripture. This was nothing new to him, he has been a priest  in the Episcopal Church then a Deacon in the Catholic church for his entire adult life. He had performed many types of services but never the funeral for his grandchild. Tears began to flow again. After Warner read from the Bible Keith introduced us : Alexis’ immediate family.

Like I said I didn’t know what I was going to say all I knew is God was going to speak through me.  Keith introduced us then Warner, Hailey, Sammy, Riley, and I went up on the stage. We each took turns speaking and Warner began. He shared two funny stories about Alexis: once she had called 911 on her Grandy because he wouldn’t let her play. She told the officers she was being abused.  

The Wylie Police arrived at the Washington household to investigate these charges made against Warner who was a pillar in the community, a deacon at the Catholic Church, and had never had so much as a traffic ticket J  The next story Alexis’ dad shared was about the two records Alexis held at Wylie High School: One for the most consecutive days in ISS and the other for the most tardies. He also shared how she had snuck into a cabinet to avoid Friday Night School. Everyone laughed with us because Alexis was such a funny girl. Next Sammy shared, he talked about how tough Alexis was and how she could beat anyone including him which everyone laughed again. He just shared about how much he would miss her because they were so very close not even a year apart. They would talk for hours about the hopes, dreams, and problems.

He always imagined growing old with her. He was having a hard time imagining life without her. Hailey Beth was next and the most emotional of the group; she loved Alexis so much and just felt so bad that for so many years they didn’t get along. Then it was my turn and honestly I don’t know what I said. I think I shared  my love for her and my love for God knowing he was with us during this tragic time. What I wanted to convey was the difference in my life since I had made Jesus my savior. Life is so different when you have hope even in the most tragic circumstances.  And there is hope because you know God is on his throne in the good times and bad.

Our family : Hailey, Sammy , Warner, Riley, and I sharing our love for Alexis

Then Keith Spurgin , New Hope’s pastor, spoke. It was  moving and impactful . I think many hearts were changed in that moment and he even felt led to ask people who didn’t know Jesus but wanted and needed him to raise their hands. It was estimated that over 200 gave their hearts to Jesus that night. Alexis’ death had made and is still making an eternal difference. Because of that I can honestly say it is worth it. Because of my faith I know I will see her again and it will seem like in a flash as Keith had said “Alexis was gone in a flash” and we could be too. Live for today and secure your eternal future now.

After Keith was done my classmate Deryl Dodd played his guitar and sang Where the River flows I believe and people started greeting  us.

My heart was overcome with gratefulness and thankfulness as friends from so many different walks of my life came to hug my neck. There were friends from elementary school, junior high, high school, friends I taught with in Amarillo and Garland and people from my church who worked so hard to make this such a beautiful ceremony .

People who drove hours to support me and my family. People who took time out of their busy evening to pay their respects to my daughter. And that doesn’t even scratch the surface of the young adults who knew Alexis that came to say goodbye to our funny funny girl. It was a beautiful celebration of her life. As the crowd of 600 + began to trickle out we started loading up our cars with all the flowers .

We left some for the church , and sent some with friends and decided to take the remainder to the crash site. The reality was sinking in and I began to feel so anxious about what to do next because now there was nothing to do or plan. I had been preoccupied with the busyness of getting ready for the service and now I didn’t know what would I would do. Melanie was leaving the country and I was housesitting for her and I had a list to do each day.

It was a simple list but I was thankful knowing if I could perform those tasks : feeding the dogs, watering the plants, and winding the clock I would feel a sense of accomplishment. I couldn’t imagine much more , the idea of work was overwhelming. I would just focus on the tasks right in front of me and try not to imagine how I was going to survive the rest of my life without my daughter. I took a deep significant breath knowing I would survive and thrive one breath at a time. 

I had experience with this and I knew God would get me through it this time as well the main difference is this time I knew where to get my strength. Sighing sadly I knew I was going to make it.

We loaded up in our cars with all the flowers and headed to the crash site. 

Our family at the cross with all the flower from the service. It was and is so very beautiful and peaceful

A closer look at the beautiful flowers.

Honoring Alexis Rose for her gift of donation:))

Here is a clip from the reception. When they spoke about Alexis I walked up and tied a ribbon that was given to us to fill out onto "The Circle of Life". I am so thankful Angela captured this so we will always have it and Riley can watch it when she is older and understands the impact of her mother's life . The impact on so very many levels.

20121118015509 from Susan DeFace Washington on Vimeo.

June 11, 2012- The day of Alexis Rose Washington's Funeral - Part 1

From my Blog : June 8-10: Tough days !! Not only did I lose my daughter I lost a dear friend. Posted on

 October 31, 2012 :  We got back to Mel's and I went to sleep anxious about what tomorrow would bring. As the sun came through the blinds in my room at Mel's the heart wrenching sobs began again. It was June 11, 2012 the day of my daughter’s funeral.

Melanie opened the door to the room I was sleeping in because she heard my sobs and said  with tears in her eyes “Oh Susan , is there anything I can do ?” I just smiled sadly and nodded no so thankful for my good friends.  I got up and had coffee with Mel and Peri. Mel had to go to work but would meet us at the church that evening so it was a day to spend with Peri. Peri had been one of my dearest friends since we met in 8^th grade and I grabbed her hair in shock because I had never seen so much hair on one person : ))  From that moment forward we were inseparable. It was Peri who saved my mother from our burning home when she passed out in a drunken stupor and dropped a lit cigarette in her bed. And although we had drifted apart because of we went different paths in life each time we reconnected it was like we had never been a part. To be with Peri was comfortably familiar and I needed that with this loss. She had been there for me with every loss ( mother, Kathey, and Daddy) but this loss cut the deepest so I was just so grateful for her presence.

We left Mel’s to go to Wylie and our dear friend Cheri came with us. I needed to drop off an obituary at the Wylie News and take Jake, New Hope’s Youth Pastor who would be speaking, some notes about Alexis and he was going to let me know what he would say.

The last time Peri had been to Wylie we stopped by the house and saw Alexis and picked up Riley then we went to Sonic to visit Hailey and Sammy. It was quite a visit at Sonic as Sammy and Hailey’s co workers came to get an autograph from the television star. Peri loved the feeling of Wylie back then, just that small town Texas feel and that had not changed.

We drove into downtown Wylie to visit the Wylie News and walked around downtown . I don’t think I know of many downtowns that are as quaint as downtown Wylie. We then went to the flower shop because I wanted to buy a rose to take to the cross. Both Peri and Cheri made orders for the funeral and got something to lay at the cross. At some point Riley joined us and we went to the cross. It is just such a beautiful place and I am so thankful that if she had to die she died there.

Peri and Riley at the cross the day of the funeral 

Warner, Riley, and I at the cross on the day of Alexis' funeral.

Visiting the site where my daughter died on the day of her funeral. I am wearing the shirt she wore just two weeks before on Memorial Day at Mel's. 

Alexis, Shelby, and I on Memorial Day 2012. Exactly two short weeks before Alexis' funeral. I wore the shirt she is wearing on June 11.

After visiting the cross Peri, Cheri , and I  went to New Hope. The church was bustling with activity . We spoke to Jake in the parking lot and then went to see Kerri and Rita who were practicing for the service. We sat down and I walked to the podium and in tears asked Rita to play for me. She played the keyboard and sang as the spirit led . It was a healing powerful moment that Peri captured on video. Later Rita told me she didn’t realize that was Peri with me. She has been a fan of Peri’s for a very long time , she loved her on Frasier. She said she was glad she didn’t know or she would have been nervous  playing in front of her. It must have been a God thing because I know Peri is now a fan of Rita’s : ))

Rita singing to me from Susan DeFace Washington on Vimeo.

We then left the church to go get mani pedis and get ready for the service. We needed to be back at the church by 5:30 for a dinner provided to the family and close friends. Peri told me she had arranged for Deryl Dodd to play at the funeral as well. He would sing during the closing. All I could think was “Wow” two of Skyline’s most famous alumni would be performing at the service for the daughter of one of the most infamous, me. God is certainly amazing how he orchestrated all of this.  I was on pins and needles feeling so anxious hoping and praying the service would be beautiful for my rosebud. I was still in shock and couldn’t believe my baby was gone.

We went back  to Mel’s and started getting ready for my youngest daughter's  funeral.

“It’s not what you look at that matters, it’s what you see.”

“It’s not what you look at that matters, it’s what you see.”– Henry David Thoreau

Yesterday at church Riley really wanted to get a snowflake off the tree to help a child whose family is struggling this Christmas so we picked one and Riley is going to earn money by doing things around the house to buy the present. There have been MANY...years that my family was on that tree because we have struggled financially for so long. Her giving heart melted mine : )) She is really excited about this although she wishes we would have picked a girl but I reminded her SHE picked the snowflake she wanted and that boys are just as good as girls: )) She reluctantly agreed.

Later she had found some change somewhere and asked me if I could open her owl purse so she could put the money in there. As I was opening the purse I asked her if she was going to save this money to buy the present for our snowflake child . She said “ No no Mommy this is found money , I want to use earned money to buy the present for the little boy “ I just smiled wondering where this found money came from and remembering back to when my kids would “find” change on our dresser and "take" it.

Once I called Alexis out on STEALING the money and she looked at me shocked and said “ Mom it’s not stealing when it’s change it’s only stealing if it is paper money !!!” I was dumbfounded on how that moral and value came to be but it was one I had to really work on to discredit: )). Maybe “the it is okay to take change” moral was birthed because Hailey worked at Sonic and had jars of change in her room so it just seemed okay to take change because it was in such abundance. I think Hailey’s change earned an Olive Garden party for one of Sammy’s classes in middle school : )) This made me laugh as I remembered because I can picture the look of indignation on Alexis’ face as I tried to point out that taking ANYTHING that was not yours was stealing : ))

Anyhow Riley’s sweet heart made me think back to Alexis and her sweet and giving heart (although somewhat skewed morals in taking what isn’t yours ) and how she looked at things. When I got out of prison we were living in a small trailer off Parker. At that time we were the poorest we had ever been. I wasn’t working, Warner was working at Albertson’s, we only had one car and didn’t even have cable. There was no extra money to go out to eat, for movies, for anything. It was a tough time although it was a time I remember fondly because we were finally back together as a family after spending about three years apart because of the consequences of our drug problems. That first holiday season the Christian Care Center donated some food to us to help us out. We were very grateful although the kids weren’t aware of the help.

I unpacked the canned goods and put them away . One morning after the kids got on the bus to go to school I went to see what I could “cook” for dinner and was shocked because all the food was gone. I didn’t know what happened, I called Warner at work and he didn’t have a clue either.

Well later that day as Alexis and Sammy got off the bus and came running in I questioned them about the food . Sammy said he didn’t know what had happened but Alexis looked at me with excitement. She then told me she took all our food to her school because they were having a canned food drive to help the poor and she really wanted to help those less fortunate. I just smiled and hugged her.

I didn’t have the heart to tell her we were the poor they were helping because she didn’t see us that way. When she looked at our family she saw we had more than enough so she wanted to share it. My heart melted. I think Riley is a lot like her motherAnyhow Riley’s sweet heart made me think back to Alexis and her sweet and giving heart (although somewhat skewed morals in taking what isn’t yours ) and how she looked at things. When I got out of prison we were living in a small trailer off Parker. At that time we were the poorest we had ever been. I wasn’t working,

Warner was working at Albertson’s, we only had one car and didn’t even have cable. There was no extra money to go out to eat, for movies, for anything. It was a tough time although it was a time I remember fondly because we were finally back together as a family after spending about three years apart because of the consequences of our drug problems.

That first holiday season the Christian Care Center donated some food to us to help us out. We were very grateful although the kids weren’t aware of the help. I unpacked the canned goods and put them away . One morning after the kids got on the bus to go to school I went to see what I could “cook” for dinner and was shocked because all the food was gone.

I didn’t know what happened , I called Warner at work and he didn’t have a clue either. Well later that day as Alexis and Sammy got off the bus and came running in I questioned them about the food . Sammy said he didn’t know what had happened but Alexis looked at me with excitement. She then told me she took all our food to her school because they were having a canned food drive to help the poor and she really wanted to help those less fortunate. I just smiled and hugged her. 

I didn’t have the heart to tell her we were the poor they were helping because she didn’t see us that way. When she looked at our family she saw we had more than enough so she wanted to share it. My heart melted. I think Riley is a lot like her mother