A Revelation revealed!! I need to forgive !!

Mark 11:25-26

New International Version (NIV)

²⁵ And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.” ^[26

I had a revelation yesterday as I listened to MY sermon : )) Lately I have felt I had some unforgiveness in my heart and I have diligently been working on that . Praying for anyone that I felt I was holding a grudge against, racking my brain and heart wondering what offense I’m holding onto  that is blocking me from  being closer to God. I want more than anything to be obedient to the Lord but  I have still felt a little unsettled. Here is how this revelation was revealed : )))

The other morning I noticed Warner as he was sitting on the edge of his bed with his head held down. He was just looking into the dresser with a far away look  in his eyes. There was such a look of sadness on his face and his posture suggested brokenness . My heart hurt for him. His pain was so evident but I knew there was nothing I could do to ease it, he just needed to feel it.  His brokenness was imbedded in my mind.

Yesterday morning as I listened to my message in my head  : )) I had  a déjà vu moment  as that picture of Warner in  his pain and brokenness surfaced in my mind and I was instantly  taken back to June 5^th of 1999. I was standing in my father’s garage. We had just returned from Panhandle, Texas  where we had attended my beloved sister’s funeral. My father was standing in his door way barely able to hold himself up because the burden of grief was so very heavy. As I looked at him I didn’t know if he would ever recover from this tragic loss of his favorite child,  honestly he had never recovered from David’s suicide. 

With tears streaming down his face he asked me if I was okay because  some people had expressed concern about me. I was not okay by any means, I was using  meth every day and had even taken it  on the plane to use before/ during/ and after  Kathey’s  service.  That was the only way I could function  ( or so I thought ). Honestly I was a mess and things were spiraling out of control at such a fast rate.

But as I looked at this man who had always been bigger than life to me, who I wanted to be proud of me more than anything, who I just wanted to hear the words “I love you Susan” come from his mouth and see his eyes light up at the mention of my name as they did when he thought of Kathey : as I looked at him in this state I saw his weakness and I was shocked. He wasn’t who I perceived him to be and I knew he couldn’t handle the truth which I wasn’t ready to admit either so I lied and said I was fine .  (But on some level I resented him because what I really wanted was to run into his open arms and say “Daddy please help me I am hurting so badly". And for him to hug me tightly and say “It will all be okay, I will take care of you and fix everything“ , I wanted him to comfort and assure me but I had to comfort and assure him)

As the images of my dad and Warner collided I realized I needed to forgive them  (because sub consciously I was holding an offense against both of them). I needed to forgive them for letting me down and not living up to the expectations that I had built up in my mind that men are always strong and will take care of you. Those unrealistic expectations were impossible for them to attain. 

As this revelation dawned on me it helped me to find forgiveness for my dad on a much deeper level, forgiving his neglect of me as a teenager .  All the walls he built up to keep people out were a result of his weakness and fear of facing the truth. It seems his mantra for life after David died and more so after Kathey’s death became  “Keep people at a distance and then you won’t be hurt”  “Don’t feel  because it hurts too bad”  but of course the problem with that is when you don’t feel you might not feel the pain but you don’t feel the joy either   and you miss out on so much.

This realization helps me to forgive Warner for not dealing with the grief of losing our daughter the way I think he should. He is doing the best that he can and he is a good man with a wonderful heart.  My heart feels a little lighter now.

Another realization that came to light is I need to forgive myself for surviving. I believe there has been a type of survivor’s guilt that I made it through, barely but I MADE IT : )))   I chose to cling to the strength God instilled in me  and I can’t feel guilty that mother and daddy didn’t. Their  destruction was not my fault  and it wasn’t my fault they didn’t choose life and HIS light. I can’t feel bad that I did !! So today from the depth of my heart I forgive those who let me down and I forgive myself for hanging on and surviving the pain.

And as I finished writing Bubble Guppies was on in the background and I heard the familiar Hoot of an Owl and glanced at the TV to see a cute MOON Owl. I think that was a sign I am on the right track : ))

Comments

[Lori]

Susan, the Lord has blessed you with wisdom and insight few share. Every struggle you've gone through is now a window through which you peer into the hearts and minds of suffering souls. It breaks my heart to hear how you struggled with your grief alone and uncomforted, but I believe through it God sowed the seeds of the wisdom and compassion you have today. I feel so sorry for that child, but so inspired and blessed by the Godly woman you've become. I'm keeping you, Warren and your beautiful family in my prayers as you continue to grieve as well as heal. Love you!

[Puddles]

I MADE IT !! were magical words, Snowy, all throughout a special heyday. That will be a mantra easy to remember. The extraordinary work that attends those words, wishfully, is hard to forget. ...and, others their process. Only they who know...