July 3, 1971- The Day David Committed Suicide

This is our old boathouse where I spent endless summers.

This has always been a tough time of year for me, it is the day my brother committed suicide. It is the day of my first memory. It was the 4th of July weekend and we were at our lake house at Cedar Creek. I was eagerly awaiting the arrival of my 18 year old brother David. Typically I wouldn't have really cared when he got to the lake but on this holiday he was bringing the fireworks and he was in charge.  I couldn't do anything until he got there not even a smoke bomb or a sparkler. I could barely contain my excitement as I kept looking up to the blacktop road to see if his brown Camaro was driving up.  After awhile I decided to ski to pass the time as I waited.

I was in the water  right by the  pier about to ski. Norman hadn't pulled  the slack out of the rope so I was struggling keeping my slalom ski up. Being 1971 I don't think water safety was what it is today and we always skied in the life preservers that went around the waist, like a ring you could pull tighter or looser depending on your size. Thinking back that wasn't a very safe preserver but we used them nonetheless, maybe we didn't know any better. Anyway I was struggling with my ski when I noticed  Joe LaBarba and Bill McCartney walking down our pier with their heads downcast. Seeing Bill was normal , Bill was one of my parents best friends and their lake house was a few lots down, we vacationed with them , and basically lived life with this family. Seeing Joe was a different story. He had a very nice lake house a few lots down the other way and although we were acquaintances and my parents knew him pretty well we didn't hang out at the lake ever. I remember wondering what was up so I continued to observe the situation as I struggled with my ski. My mother and father were sitting at a table under a green and white umbrella on the pier. Joe and Bill approached them and bent down whispering something , I know it was a whisper because I was right in the water by the pier and couldn't hear what they said, I could always hear conversations from the water but these words were not meant for my ears. After Joe spoke my mother collapsed and had to be carried off the pier.

(This where I was in the water when my parents heard of David's suicide. This is my first and one of my most vivid memories.)

My memory fades at that point . All I remember is a bustle of activity and then we were in Norman's car driving back to Dallas. The car was filled with silence for the whole ride. Little did I know that the cold silence I experienced that day would permeate our lives through the deaths of the rest of my family. I had so many questions that I wanted to ask but the silence was overpowering and I NEVER asked the questions the kept coming to the surface of my mind for decades to come.

All I know is my brother David who was 18 at the time had taken my father's gun and put it to his head taking his life at our home in Dallas- 8322 Van Pelt. He had sent his friend Dean to the store and as he was getting back he heard the gun shot but could not get in the house. At least that is what I was told in fragments of conversations because David's death and David was a forbidden subject in our home from July 3, 1971 forward. We never spoke of him again . The only remnants that he existed was a photo of him and Kathey that hung in our formal living room next to a photo of me by myself.  It seems I was always set apart and still am.

(David's room today. For years we shut the doors to his room and never opened them. It was the forbidden room)

(Standing in front of 8322 Van Pelt. For years I thought of this home as the House of Death but I know God will bring forth the many good memories that happened there.)

(The only remnant of David that remained in our home was this photo)

Those were my thoughts as I woke up this morning remembering David and then the realization set in that Alexis was gone as well. Sometimes in those first moments when I wake up I forget she died and then it all comes flooding back taking my breath away but in those moments I begin to pray and the God of all comfort wraps me in HIS arms and I feel HIS peace surrounding my broken heart, mending it back together.

As I sat up in bed I glanced over at Riley who was sleeping upside down :)) and I covered her with her princess blanket so very thankful that we have her and I began to think of David's death as well as Alexis' death.

David's death destroyed my parents , they never recovered and both of the them slowly self destructed as a couple and individually . As my parents fell apart so did our family unit and I was left to care for myself and later I would have to take care of  my mother  trying  to make sense of what was happening. This was a heavy burden for a teenage girl to carry but I did it to the best of my ability.  I was so very confused and I did my best to stay afloat , just hoping I could do something ( perform well in school, be popular) so they would pay attention to me but their pain was too deep and they didn't have the tools to survive . The bottom line is they didn't have a personal relationship with God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit. That relationship is the only one that can get you through the losses of all  loved ones but I think, well now I know, the loss of a child cuts the deepest. I didn't know I had such depth to feel such raw pain. It is hard to describe.

On the other hand Alexis' death WILL make me stronger. I will keep her memory alive with photos, videos, and talking about her at lengths. She will live on forever in our hearts. And although her death at such a young age is tragic I trust God will bring good from it and many will come to know him through her life an death. That gives me hope !!  That knowledge lets HIS light shine more brightly  through my brokenness.

There are open lines of communication with Sammy and Hailey , I can minister to them because I know what if feels like to lose a sibling , I have lost both of mine . I am grateful for that. I can tell them how not to grieve because I have a lot of experience with grieving inappropriately. Thankful that God is guiding me through and giving me the strength I need to be there for my kids and for Riley. My kids look to me for strength I can see it in their eyes as they look at me with a  questioning look, a little scared that the death of Alexis might cause me to unravel. But I think they see that I am walking out my sorrow and God is walking along beside me carrying me when needed.

A few people have posted this song saying it reminded them of me. I finally listened to it and I had heard it before but the words never really stuck, until the words fit my life . The words blow me away. The song is the :

The Hurt & The Healer

Why?
The question that is never far away
The healing doesn’t come from the explained
Jesus please don’t let this go in vain
You’re all I have
All that remains

So here I am
What’s left of me
Where glory meets my suffering

I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I’ve fallen into Your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide

Breathe
Sometimes I feel it’s all that I can do
Pain so deep that I can hardly move
Just keep my eyes completely fixed on You
Lord take hold and pull me through

So here I am
What’s left of me
Where glory meets my suffering

I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I’ve fallen into your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide

It’s the moment when humanity
Is overcome by majesty
When grace is ushered in for good
And all our scars are understood
When mercy takes its rightful place
And all these questions fade away
When out of the weakness we must bow
And hear You say “It’s over now”

I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I’ve fallen into your arms open wide
When The hurt and the healer collide

Jesus come and break my fear
Awake my heart and take my tears
Find Your glory even here
When the hurt and the healer collide [x2]

Jesus come and break my fear
Awake my heart and take my tears
Find Your glory even here

Another view of the boathouse. A lot of good memories from there.

Right now I am feeling very hopeful knowing that I am handling Alexis' death to the best of my ability and leaning on God who is my provider, healer, and comforter. My children and grandchildren are witnessing this as well and we are grieving in a healthy way. We are all grieving differently as everyone does but within our family there is a safe place where we can communicate and say what is on our minds as we are overcome with emotions. When David died there was no safe place , my home was filled with land mines and I felt as if I had to tip toe around being as cautious as possible so nothing would blow up and when there were explosions I never understood what set them off so I became more cautious building up more walls to protect my young broken heart. God was right there protecting my heart though so it wouldn't become hard and callous as so often happens. I think that is one of the blessings I am most gratefu for is that my heart ( although it's been  broken repeatedly) never became cynical  or tough. Thanking God for HIS protection . All I know is His Glory has met my suffering and I am alive :))