Dating violence : I was a victim and feel prompted to share

When I did the radio show with Dr. Gene Getz it was very emotional for me. When I listened to the show I broke down. I’m not sure why it had the effect that it did on me but hearing my story from someone else’s perspective touched a place deep in my heart.  As the week went on Dr. Getz kept referring to the abuse, neglect, and abandonment that happened to me.  ABUSE is a word I never associated with my childhood but the bottom line is I was abused. I had a dear friend from church that I consider my spiritual leader and have reached out to many times say “Susan, you were abused and what you experienced was extreme abuse! You need to realize that so you can move forward”  Those words caused me to pause when she said them and I wanted to argue that I wasn’t abused that it was because they were hurting so bad, that they didn’t hit me or anything. But I didn’t argue because I think I knew deep down inside that it was abuse and there are many scars from that abuse.  Those scars are now healed and as with my others scars will be a source of healing and hope for others I pray. With that being said I need to be open and transparent about some other abuse in my life.

The thought of abuse made me think back to a relationship that I was in that was very abusive. It is something I haven’t shared  with many because when I think back to it I have felt such shame thinking that it was my fault and that on some level I deserved it , just like on some level I felt I deserved the abuse from my parents. But it is time I speak out about this because I do believe it is an issue for teens and young adults especially girls and I believe many tolerate abuse because they feel unworthy. Statistics show that one in three teenagers has experienced violence in a dating relationship. That is huge. Dating violence crosses all racial, economic and social lines. Most victims are young women, who are also at greater risk for serious injury.  These statistics are staggering and I was one of them.

I have one dear friend that I go to advice for, we were never that close in school but because of Facebook we have really connected. God has blessed her with spiritual wisdom and He has blessed me with her friendship. She was a couple of years younger than me and she believes I should share this part of my story because it will help someone. I don’t want to hurt anyone  but this dear friend witnessed some of my abuse while we were in school, she saw him abuse me in the hall, I never knew that. After she witnessed this abuse, which was minor compared to what happened at other times, she was shocked I stayed with him. She saw me as popular and outgoing seeming to have it all and she wondered why I would let anyone treat me like that but after learning my story she said it all made sense. I was just living in a cycle of abuse thinking I deserved the pain and that I brought it on myself.

John and I got together in high school. After our first date we were an item. We had a lot of fun: )) John was the funniest guy I knew and would pull the craziest stunts. I was in awe of his humor and the things he would do.  We were just so silly together; it was great fun especially in the beginning. I don’t remember when the hitting began, I am somewhat surprised that I don’t remember the first time but at some point it became routine and part of our relationship. I just don’t know how. The neglect and abuse were becoming more extreme at home but I was never hit. My father was verbally abusive and mother just absent so it still surprises me on some level that I tolerated this. Although we had a lot of fun our relationship was comprised of a lot of drinking and I’m sure that played a huge factor in the abuse that took place.

One of the worst times happened when we were at a club (don’t ask me how we went to clubs in high school but we did , to be honest it was PT’s on Lawther off Northwest Highway (it wasn’t a strip club then)  We were with a lot of kids from school and John and I got into a fight and broke up. He began to make out with another girl in a booth and I decided to dance with a boy named Billy who had always had a crush on me. When we started dancing John came over and pushed Billy out of the way grabbed me and bit through my cheek. It was bad I was bleeding and people jumped up to separate us. Everyone there just chalked it up to alcohol but I knew different, this had happened before but never in front of people and he was always careful to hit me where the bruises would not be visible.  An older boy that I had in a class with me and his girlfriend gave me a ride home. By the time we left my face was swollen and bruised from the bite, the girl asked what on earth I would tell my parents. I just remember looking at her and saying I would be able to conceal it knowing that my parents would never notice because my dad didn’t live there and my mother was never awake. I only had to hide the bruises from my friends and people at school because no one at home would notice. I remember sitting back in the seat of her green cougar and gazing out the window absently brushing my fingers across my bite mark feeling such shame.

I can’t remember what would set off his anger but he would just explode. One time we were at the lake and he was driving my car and got so angry grabbing head with one hand and holding it in his lap then pummeling me with his fist. I tried so hard to get away but couldn’t and I was so scared he would really hurt me.  I finally grabbed my gear shift and threw the car in park which made him let go of me and slow down then I jumped out of the car and began to run for my life. He was very careful to only hit my head and not my face. I remember my head being so sore but there were no visible bruises.

He would always apologize and promise to never do it again proclaiming his love for me then he would make me laugh and I would forgive him believing that would be the last time. Maybe I was so desperate for love that I continued to take this abuse I don’t know.  John had some wonderful qualities but the bottom line is he abused me horribly.

As time went on the abuse got more violent and our relationship was nearing its end. We kept breaking up and getting back together. He was so terribly controlling that I was isolated from my friends and he even talked me out of trying out for cheerleader one year . Because of him I didn’t’ try out, I still can’t believe that. But things were bad and about to get worse. This next night was the night that ended it all.

We were broken up again (which was happening on a daily basis) so Peri, Patti, and I decided to go hang out at Woodrow Hill with our friends from Long. We had a great time and I ran into my old boyfriend Hal and I spent a lot of time talking to him. Before I knew it I looked around and Peri and Patti were gone and I had no ride. Hal offered to drive me home and we left. As we turned off of St. Francis to Van Pelt I decided to lie down in the seat and I asked Hal to tell me if he saw a red Firebird parked in front of my house. He said no but there was one down the street. I told him not to stop so we took a right on Dorrington then a right on Baumgarten and parked. Hal was very concerned because he could sense my anxiety and asked me if I was scared of this guy. I wiped a tear from my eye and said no that I just didn’t want there to be a scene telling him I would run between the houses and go in through the garage or the backyard. Hal didn’t want to let me go but I said I would be fine and jumped out of his car. I then ran up the alley between Van Pelt and Baumgarten. I got very close to St. Francis because I was so scared John would see me . Then I ran across Van Pelt until I got to my alley then ran down  to my house. I climbed my wooden fence and jumped into the back yard trying to keep my German Shepherd Carl from barking and whining. I could tell he was so concerned for me. I gave Carl a huge hug then went into the sliding glass door and sighed deeply knowing I was safe.  I locked  the door behind me and then went back to my bedroom and turned the light on.

I knew Peri and Patti were there because their car was out front. Peri was asleep in my bed , Patti was lying down in my childhood room, and mother was passed out. My mistake was turning my light on because after I did I heard a knock at the front door. I went to the door and John pleaded with me to come out and talk to him, I could tell he had been drinking and I continued to say no but somehow he got to me. I can’t remember what he said that touched my heart but he was in tears begging me to just give him a moment and to be honest I still cared for him so much.  I opened the door slightly and he pounced. He reached in and grabbed my arm pulling me outside and down the steps with one arm. Behind his back he was holding a crow bar or a tire tool, the thing you use to change a tire. He threw me on the ground and hit me with the “crowbar” I began to crawl away and he kicked me over and hit me in the face with the tool.  I immediately felt the blood begin to flow raising my arms to shield my face. I couldn’t get up because he kept hitting me but I began to scamper away like a frightened animal and crawled between mine and the Griffith’s house. I prayed they would see me out the window but it didn’t appear as if anyone was awake. I can still feel the wet grass beneath my clothes and taste the blood from my busted lip and cheek. He was out of control and for the first time I was literally scared for my life and crying hysterically begging him to stop hoping someone, anyone would hear me.

At that moment Patti came running out of the house in her cute denim overalls with the spirit stick I had from cheerleading camp during junior high in her hand. Although genuinely thankful for her attempted rescue my first thought was couldn’t she have found a better weapon?  I mean a spirit stick is a small wooden dowel painted red, white, and blue. I was thinking of the Civil War sword that stood at my fireplace as well as the old musket which was displayed beside it but it was not a time to be critical, she was my saving grace. I am so thankful for Patti and the spirit stick because it provided me comic relief in this horribly tragic situation.  I was on the ground trying to avoid the blows, John was standing holding the crow bar and swinging at me and Patti was behind John trying to hit him with the spirit stick. The only problem is she kept missing him; she would raise the spirit stick with both hands and come down and COMPLETELY miss John then almost fall down. By this point I was laughing through the tears and blood. Patti then ran into the house screaming “Mrs. DeFace, Mrs. DeFace, you have to get up John is outside beating up Susan” Something about that made him stop, he grabbed his tool and ran to his car and left. Patti ran outside to help me get up and my mother staggered to the door still drunk not sure what was going on. My father was at the lake. Mother went back to bed and Patti and I began to tend to my wounds . Somehow Peri slept through it all. That was the last beating I received from John and the worst. Not long after that night an older boy who was a varsity offensive lineman and very large told John to never bother me again and he didn’t. It was the end to our relationship.

That was really my only abusive relationship, my marriage got abusive but that was the drugs and at the very end. Although alcohol played a huge part in John’s abuse it was different. For some reason at that time I didn’t believe that I deserved better. I didn’t believe that I was worthy.  At the time I was surprised I tolerated that because of who I was : popular, outgoing, “ the cheerleader” but that was who I wanted people to believe I was. During high school our self image is so very fragile. I have talked to many friends who were in abusive relationships also and they were from loving stable families so as the statistics say dating abuse crosses all lines and does not discriminate.  Looking back it was typical that I would tolerate that abuse, my family life was disintegrating and I felt I deserved it. I didn’t know how to set boundaries and my father who should have been my protector at that age left me with my alcoholic mother to tend to. It is not surprising at all that I tolerated that abuse. Just so thankful it ended without a severe injury.

When I wrote a little post after Hal’s death last week and what he meant to me I didn’t share this one night because I don’t want to hurt anyone not even John. That was really the last night that I spent much time with Hal and I will never forget the concern in his eyes which showed how much he still cared for me, his eighth grade girlfriend. The one regret I had was that I didn’t let him walk me to my door, he would have protected me I know and he was a tough guy.  I don’t think he ever knew what happened.

John’s  abuse was a fact and a lot of people knew about it to some extent but didn’t realize how bad it was and of course Patti witnessed  and thankfully rescued me from the most brutal beating of all. That picture will be forever stamped on my mind: Beautiful, gorgeous Patti wielding a spirit stick in my defense , while lacking coordination which only brought a little humor to this tragic situation and for that I am eternally grateful. Patti and I still laugh hysterically about that night that seemed to foreshadow the tragic events that were yet to come. It’s a little bittersweet but so thankful to have Patti still in my life 30 + years later : ))

Pride : Proverbs 16:18 Pride goes before destruction, And a haughty spirit before a fall.

I love Proverbs 16, each time I read it God touches my spirit deeply. All day today I have been thinking about pride and its many forms. Pride can be quite deceptive and we don’t realize that is what is operating within us.

As I read this scripture  ¹⁸ Pride goes before destruction, And a haughty spirit before a fall it took me back to when I got out of rehab and went to live with my father. I had such pride !!  I don’t think anyone would have looked at me and said “Wow Susan is sure prideful!!!” (I had just gotten charged with manufacturing meth, my crimes were reported in the Dallas Morning News, and CPS and gotten my children) but as I said pride can be deceptive and disguise itself in different ways. I had a haughty attitude in regard to what I was willing to do job wise. To be honest I was a little clueless on how this felony conviction was going to affect my life. I didn’t realize I would lose my teaching certificate, I was somehow shocked :)) You would have thought that I would have realized the state of Texas and most school districts would have policies about hiring felons and the policy would be to not hire them:))

But I thought I was different, that I was the better felon, and that I was the exception. I was setting myself up for a fall and fall I did. There were jobs that I thought I was too good for, I didn’t say that out loud but in my heart I thought it and that is where it matters the most. (Proverbs 4: ²³ Keep your heart with all diligence, For out of it spring the issues of life.)  I thought I was too good to work in a restaurant, wait tables, etc. My thoughts were “I have a college degree , I deserve something better!!” It amazes me how bad my attitude was and it wasn’t exhibited outwardly, no one would have ever thought I was thinking that way but I was in my heart. This pride and way of thinking came before my relapse which caused such destruction in my life yet again. The relapse sent me to prison.

Prison was very humbling on many levels but probably the greatest humbling event in prison was when I worked on the pig farm cleaning the slabs and feeding the pigs. It was horrendous:  the filth and the smell were overwhelming. The degradation I felt when I had to strip down to nothing in front of guards four  times a day to ensure I wasn’t taking contraband on or off the unit is a feeling I will never forget. It was humiliating but I had no choice. My poor choices led to these consequences. As I would wear my rubber suit and rubber boots to walk through the muck and the mire scraping the waste the pigs left on the slabs I don’t think I had ever felt so low.  

Then we would prepare the trough for the food for the pigs. The food for the pigs was what was left over  from our prison meals mixed together and kept warm. A truck would bring it and dump it into the trough and we would shovel it down. It was so disgusting that I would gag. When I first started this job the stench was so bad I would get sick running through the grass to a private place as my stomach churned. Tears would burn my eyes and I just wanted to give up but somehow I would gather my strength and return to my slab. All pride was removed during that time. I learned I wasn’t a better than anyone else. My education didn’t matter, I had fallen as low and I could possibly go. The only way from there was up.

After I became a Christian and read about the Prodigal Son the similarities were unbelievable. The parable of the Prodigal Son is a story about God’s redemptive grace and mercy. It is a story of His unconditional love and forgiveness.  It is about God seeking sinners. It is a story about me . After I was released from prison I was willing to take any job I could get and was grateful for the opportunity that someone would take a chance on someone like me. I jumped for joy when I got the job as a cashier at Dickey’s making minimum wage. I was happier than I had ever been about a job more so than when I was hired as the Special Education Coordinator for the Campbell school district. This job meant more and represented how far I had come from that pig slab in Gatesville but more importantly the change within my heart. God was working magnificiently in my life and had created a new heart in me and he renewed my spirit (Psalm 51 : ¹⁰ Create in me a clean heart, O God, And renew a steadfast spirit within me).

He did that for me and I am so grateful that he changed me and never gave up, I am even thankful for my pig farming days although I never want to go back : )

My Sammy - Part II

My Handsome Boy :)))

As I said God has worked powerfully through circumstances in each one of my children’s lives to draw me closer to HIM.  It is really quite amazing. Sammy’s circumstance may be the most powerful of all. It was because of Sammy’s friendship with Alex Jensen that I even came to know the Lord. It was witnessing God’s strength and power in Alex’s family during the most devastating circumstances: the tragic death of a 12 year old boy.

Sammy and Alex had met in the summer of 2004 before 6^thgrade and had become the best of friends. They ended up being on the same football team, the Patriots, and their friendship deepened. Then that fateful Christmas when the Jensen’s went snow skiing and Alex skied into that tree and died so young. I will never forget coming home from work at Dickey’s and Sammy sitting on the couch crying and telling me Alex had died. I was so shocked and devastated for the family. I thought they would deteriorate and self destruct like my family did when David died. But to my amazement they didn’t!! They were empowered with strength, hope, and courage and I wasn’t sure where that came from but I knew I needed it desperately in my life. For them to endure this tragedy the way they did and witnessing the  hope they still had which was evident within their spirit stirred a longing and hunger deep within my  heart and soul.

That was the event, as tragic as it was, that led me to the Lord. God used Alex’s death, not that he caused it but he used it powerfully in mine and many lives, to bring me to the place of trust and acceptance where people took off their masks and shared in vulnerabilty. It was a place where I could open up and share my tragic past which led me to the truth and finally set me free. That freedom has trickled down to my children as they have witnessed God’s transformational power in my life. God is restoring what was lost in our lives : ))

Now I don’t want to imply that Sammy is a perfect kid, he isn’t. He has had his struggles and made poor choices. There was a curfew ticket, a minor in consumption ticket, and times he lied to me about what he was doing. The amazing thing about my relationship with Sammy is once we got down to the truth of what was really going on we could discuss it in depth after our emotions had calmed down. I know at times Sammy still makes some poor choices. (I wish my kids would not drink or experiment with any drugs at all but I know that is not the case so the best I can do is pass along my experience hoping they will listen and praying to God to speak to them.  God is working in their lives and I know HE has Sammy’s heart. All I know is I trust God completely with my children)

(Below is a photo of Sammy and Kendall minutes after she was born. He was there for the whole thing to support his sister Hailey. He had plans to go to Tennessee on vacation but decided the birth of his niece was more important :))   

Sammy started working right after he turned 16 and still holds his job at Sonic. Sonic is a great job he makes a good hourly wage and gets tips. The tips are really unbelievable, there has been nights he has come home with over $100 in tips and that does not count the change (Hailey worked at Sonic also and quit at one time to go be a server at On the Border, she had to return to Sonic because she made more money ) I am very proud of his work ethic. He pays for his phone and insurance plus he bought his own car. He is very responsible.

At one point during high school I was scared he was going to quit. I became consumed with him passing and doing his school work. Something was wrong because I was much more worried about this than he was. It was really causing me a lot of stress because I already had enough on my plate. So his junior year I told him I was done harassing him. I told him I loved him and if he chose to go to Choice or get his GED I would support him . (It was such a release to let go of that situation, I really had no control over it anyway. My main concern was that he knew I loved him and was proud of him no matter what) I truly Let it Go and Gave it to God. I never picked it up again.

After our talk Sammy spurred into action and got serious about school.

Last year he graduated and walked the stage with his friends. During his senior year I did not look at his grades one time, his education was his choice and responsibiltiy. I was so proud of the choice and determination he had. After that moment I knew he would be okay, that he would always find his way. He has a good foundation with God and although he has drifted somewhat I know he will find his way back. I know one day he will be a fisher of men ( he loves to fish now :))

(I love this photo of Sammy !! It shows his enthusiasm for life and fishing. I know one day he will lead many to the LORD)

Not long ago, Sammy came into my room and woke me up after he got off work. He sat down on the side of my bed and hugged me telling me to keep sharing my story that I was making a difference in people’s lives. A boy had come up to Sonic who had heard me speak and was really touched by my story, he related to it in some way. He was quite emotional telling Sammy about the woman he heard speak. Sammy looked at him and said with pride that’s my Mom : ))  He said it with pride !!!! Sammy could see the impact and the pain the boy was going through. God has given him eyes to see people the way God does at times. That is such a gift.

Last week when my feelings were hurt terribly I called my Sammy and as always he was my encourager speaking in love, truth, and wisdom. The comment that stuck with me the most was when he said “Mom you are getting quite a bit of publicity and with that you are going to have some critics but you can’t let their opinion get your down, you need to focus on all the people who love and support you, the ones that need to hear your hope. You don’t know what is going on in the people’s lives who are being critical but you can’t let it hurt your feelings. You’re going to have to toughen up a little. I love you : )) “  Out of the mouths of babes, again I was amazed at his wisdom. He is such a blessing.

My children and I have a bond that is very strong and has withstood many trials. As I watched Sammy walk across that stage when he graduated last May I felt the presence of the Lord, his joy was my strength. I was so thankful to Our Sovereign God and what he had done in our lives. This could have been a much different story.  Although we have had our ups and downs all three of my children walked that stage and each one of them are finding their place in the world. They have to figure it out financially on their own and they all work very hard to do that. They have learned if they want something they have to work for it : )  It has been such a blessing to watch them. God has given me a glimpse into their hearts so even when they make a poor choice I know deep within my own heart they will turn it around and get it together.

I stress all the time that the choices we make have consequences and some of them can impact our lives forever  praying they will think before they act. I read a report recently that 7 out of 10 children of incarcerated parents will end up in the criminal justice system and that is more likely when the mother is incarcerated also. My kids got a double whammy; we both got in trouble and were sent away.  And because of my relapse I was gone for 2 years but because of God’s grace and mercy he has restored my children to me. They love me and I love them.  We serve an awesome God and he is still in the business of miracles. My life and my relationship with my children is one of God's miracles, His grace is all over us and I am so very thankful for that. 

As I said I love my children’s hearts. When I had to make the decision to leave my husband of 25 years after all we had been through they understood that it was a choice I had to make.  It was a choice God told me to make and I struggled with that. But my husband has chosen not to stay sober. He has a beautiful heart and soul but he is trapped in an addiction and I felt as if my soul was beginning to die and the hopelessness I lived with for so long was taking root in my heart again. I couldn’t let that happen. 

Hailey, Alexis, and Sammy have supported me through this separation while still loving their father. Sammy looked at me the other day and gave me a hug saying you did the right thing, you had to leave. I am so blessed no one is pointing fingers they all understand. My next blog will be about my marriage and of course I am at fault also. My husband has just chosen alcohol over me , that has been the story of my life: my parents also chose alcohol over me. The only difference is I am now the daughter of the Most High and that is not acceptable. I am worth more than that and it is okay to have a boundary that I refuse to live with an active alcoholic. I will share more later .

My Sammy - Part I

After I had Alexis I stayed home for about 6 weeks and then returned to teaching. I just didn’t have the time built up to take more of a leave and I needed to work. I also signed up to teach summer school because it was only from 7:30-11:00 and was great money . I finally was getting into a routine of having a baby and a 3 year old and things were going smoother.

Summer school that year was awesome, I just loved teaching it. I had a group of 3 and 4 year olds with challenges ranging from speech problems to autism. This was an age group I loved and was just a refreshing change in the routine from the middle school group that I had been teaching during the school year. Music therapists and speech therapists were part of the summer school experience and it was just an enjoyable time.  As summer began I enjoyed the time with Alexis who was just a few months old, Hailey, and my class but the only problem is I was so very tired. I thought it was understandable with work and taking care of two small children but every day when I would get home from school I would put the kids down for a nap and I would take one also which was not normal for me. It was almost as if I felt pregnant again but I dismissed that thought thinking the symptoms were left over from Alexis, she was only 3-4 months old!!!

But the symptoms continued and I wasn’t sure what to do. I called my friend Leah who had given birth to two children very close and would asked her repeatedly “ Leah , how did  you know you were pregnant ?” and each time she would reply “ Susan, you need to take a test” to which I would reply ”I don’t want to take a test.” 

This denial went on for awhile then finally one day I went to the store and bought a pregnancy test and took it. I had not even got out the bathroom door before the positive sign showed for the test. I couldn’t believe it !!! I had a four month old baby and was pregnant again : ))

By the time school started that fall I was already in maternity clothes. I will never forget walking into the first in service meeting and my fellow teachers doing double takes and saying quips like “ don’t you know what causes that ?” to “don’t you know what prevents that?”. My fellow teachers did throw me another shower but I think they made a rule only two baby showers per teacher : ))

My pregnancy was uneventful and easy as they all were. I just got extremely big in my stomach. I mean my stomach was huge !!. As I said in Alexis’ blog we would put tape on the floor  in my classroom and measure how far I could be in the room with my stomach sticking out the door. It was unbelievable how far I could stand in the door with my stomach out of the room.

Sammy’s due date was Feb. 8 and I eagerly awaited his birth. People who knew me really well thought I might go into labor during the Super Bowl with both Alex and Sammy because the Cowboys went to the big game both those years and I was so into football screaming and getting excited but that didn’t happen.  Feb. 8 came and Sammy didn’t but I had to take Alexis to the hospital for a week and during that time I told my doctor I needed to have this baby, they thought he was huge and I was missing work with Alexis in the hospital and I didn’t have time saved up so on Feb. 12 at 6 in the morning they induced me and I had Sammy at 2.

He was my fastest and easiest delivery by far, only 8 hours !! I was so happy. When he emerged and I had my baby boy tears rolled down my cheeks. I was somewhat overwhelmed wondering how I was going to handle an 11 month old and a new born but I just knew I would have to. Right after Sammy’s birth they wheeled me down to do a tubal so I couldn’t get pregnant again. I was going to make my husband get a vasectomy because  I had just delivered two babies in 11 months and I thought it was his turn to experience some pain : ))but it was to our extreme financial advantage to do a tubal right after delivery  so reluctantly I agreed to the procedure.

Sammy was my largest baby arriving at 8lb 13oz and he was also a fairly easy and happy baby. I was really blessed with children who weren’t sick and easy to care for. He and Alexis shared a room for awhile and Alexis taught him all her mischievous ways to get out of the crib.

Having a boy was just so new to me; I really didn’t have much male interaction in my life. David died while I was so young, my father and I just didn’t relate in a healthy way at all, and my husband and I really didn’t either so I didn’t know what to expect. But I loved this little boy so and he was just so precious.

He was very gifted athletically and could pick up anything fast. My father bought him a trampoline for his 5^th or 6^th birthday. When they delivered it and set it up at our home in Rockwall Sammy was the first one on it. I will never forget he just started jumping and doing back flips as if he knew how. I was amazed. He then started doing front flips. He was just a natural. For the most part he was good at anything he tried athletically. He was so fast and loved playing football and basketball!!!

He had and still does have a heart of gold. I am always amazed at his heart and the wisdom God has instilled in him.  He is so much wiser than his years. His wisdom comes from the pain he has experienced and that makes me sad. But I can’t change the past or the pain I’ve caused, I just have to trust God and know he will bring good from all the pain Sammy has experienced in his life.

Teachers and classmates always liked Sammy so much, he is very laid back and funny : )) but at times he struggled with school and a lot of that may have had to do with the neglect he experienced from me when he was young. We were just really messed up during his first years of school. He was in second grade when we got busted and I just know I wasn’t there for him to help him with his school work plus all the distractions at home. We missed so much school also because of my drug use. I know I did him a disservice and throughout the years he never felt he was very smart although he was, he just didn’t receive that educational foundation during those formative years  that was so important. While he should have been able to focus on school he was wondering why his family was falling apart and things were so chaotic, I can’t imagine the fear. Well yes I can because I lived that also. So very thankful I finally stopped the cycle of dysfunction : )

As I said Sammy was so young when we got in trouble I don’t’ remember how it affected him the way I did with Hailey, I saw her withdraw but Sammy and Alex were just so little trying to deal with destruction of their family, on  a level I can only begin to imagine.

I remember clearly the incident that got CPS involved in our lives the week before we got busted. I was at work when I received a call from the elementary school asking if I knew where Alex and Sammy were. I told them they should be at school. I was then told something wasn’t right. My husband was asleep in the car and the kids were nowhere to be found. 

Alarmed by the situation and noting the judgment and condemnation in the voice of the administrator I knew I had to get back to the Rockwall as soon as possible. I kept calling our phone (we only had a go phone by this point) and there was no answer. I was off campus with my students so I had to get a ride back to my car and drive to Rockwall, when I got home Warner was asleep and Alex and Sammy were hiding in the attic. I didn’t even know what to say. Everything was just so messed up. I called the school and told them I found the kids but deep down in my gut I knew this meant a lot of trouble and I was pretty sure CPS would be called. 

Feeling overwhelmed all I knew to do was get high , that is how I dealt with everything at that point. A week later CPS interviewed our kids at school and as I have said I don’t know what they said  but I know that Sammy knew  we were doing drugs and he knew if he told those CPS workers  the truth our lives would change. He was in second grade and he had that wisdom. He wasn’t sure how to handle it because he was scared but He knew the implication of all that was happening and I think on some level he knew things needed to change so he was honest. Hailey got upset with him for his honesty because she was so scared but he chose to tell the truth , he knew something was up and he knew it wasn’t good. He has told me that he knew things were bad because Warner and I didn’t pay attention to them anymore . It breaks my heart to think of his fear but at the same time I am amazed at his thought process as a 7 -8 year old.

He went to live with his aunt and uncle while we were incarcerated and he thrived although he missed us terribly.   Where Alexis exhibited behavioral issues Sammy’s aunt and uncle told me he was just the perfect kid and he loved to eat.  After I got out of rehab Sammy came to live with me at my dad’s. This was when we lived in Chandler’s Landing in Rockwall and could go hang out at the yacht club, take out the Sea Doo, and swim anytime.  From the outside looking in it seemed like the perfect life for a young boy but there was so much going on: the abuse from my father towards me , the abuse and critical aspect in which my father treated my children, and  my relapse which instilled fear in my children’s hearts and minds again. Things were not as they appeared at all.

( I will never forget going back to Chandler’s Landing to drive past my Dad’s old house when Sammy went to take his driving permit test. As we looked at the house, which was a beautiful two story with a balcony, Sammy made the comment that even though we had  so many “things” at that time he was much happier living in our very modest home with the financial struggles we have because I was clean and sober . Because I was clean and sober I was there for him and he saw that was more important than having a bunch of stuff.  I think my mouth dropped open at the depth of his wisdom and heart. I was just so amazed that at 15 he saw that material possessions do not make people happy and although his friends had so much more than he did he really didn’t care. He was happy for them  and at times he would wish things could be easier but deep down in his heart he was just thankful and happy that our relationship had been restored.

I just love him so much!

Renewal Radio!

My story on Renewal Radio!

Aired March 5 through 9, 2012 in 5 parts

From Bondage to Freedom

Our special guest this week was just eight years old when her brother took his life and her parents shut the door to his room and never talked about it again. Susan Washington's parents turned to alcohol and later she turned to drugs. Eventually she went to prison--leaving her children behind. Join us on Renewal as our host, Dr. Gene Getz, unfolds her amazing story of tragedy--and then redemption. You'll see how God was at work in her life in spite of all her personal tragedies."