Revisiting Van Pelt

GOD IS WITH US behind our defensive walls, our locked doors. The doors are not kicked in, nor are the walls and masks torn away. God understands that our walls and masks grew from our pain and fear, from traumas that affected our ability to trust. In time the doors themselves will be healed, and our masks will become living flesh again when we realize we no longer need them for our survival. But in the meantime, the healing love shines in our defended darkness, and God’s Holy Spirit is breathed upon us.

- Flora Slosson Wuellner 
Miracle: When Christ Touches Our Deepest Need

Wow that writing from For a Slosson Wuellner speaks to my heart and life. I have been so blessed. I got a few emails through my website yesterday that touched me deeply. This one in particular:

“My name is Judy Miller and my husband and I live in your former home on Van Pelt. Barbara Key told me about your blog, and I was very touched as I read it. I’m sorry that you have had to experience so many tragedies in your life—but happy that you are emerging victorious. I’m glad that your visit to “our” home proved helpful to you. Maybe the painful memories are the first to emerge when we revisit a place from our past—especially where you have experienced such tragedies. Like you, I feel there must also be some good memories for you here.You are welcome here anytime you feel it would be beneficial to you to confront your memories. You are a very special lady, and I would enjoy getting to know you.”

 

____________

This brought tears of joy and expectation to my eyes because I know now I don’t have to hide the truth about what happened there, she read the blog so she knows. She was so very kind to make this offer and reach out to me. My heart is overwhelmed. Now I can walk through my childhood home in truth and light not trying to hide the tragedies that occurred there. I love the saying “We must reveal it for God to heal it”. The last time I went through the home the darkness won because I was trying to hide the truth (isn’t that how Satan operates?) I am so excited and am going to embrace this experience, claiming victory, knowing God’s light is shining in my defended darkness and that HE will be with me as HE always was.  I emailed my new friend Judy with some dates and can’t wait to hear back. I will be sure to keep you updated on my blog and share the good memories from Van Pelt because I know they will surface , I just know it. Feeling incredibly excited and blessed . God is so good J

John 8:32

New King James Version (NKJV)

³² And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.

Thank you!!

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!!!!

Your wishes and comments about my birthday and my site have blessed me beyond measure. This has been an amazing day for me and you have truly inspired me. It is so ironic that on my 17^th birthday I felt alone, abandoned, unloved , and rejected when mother, daddy, and Kathey were still alive.  And today on my 51^st birthday I feel so loved ,accepted and surrounded with support  and  they ( mother, daddy , and Kathey)  have all passed.  That is Christ working in my life and yours. Thank you for reaching out to me continuously with kind words  of encouragement. I can honestly say that I have not once felt judged by any of you when you could have so easily done that.  You are all amazing. God has blessed me through each of you and I sincerely mean that. I am overwhelmed by your kindness  and all the support I have received. May God bless all of you : ))))

At Seventeen

There aren’t many birthdays I remember in detail but my 17th is engraved in my memory. Each time I read this part of my story I am brought to tears because of the tragedy of it all. I believe God was protecting me against the harsh reality of what my normal had become: living alone with my mother whose alcoholism had become so debilitating we had reversed roles with me taking care of her, it had become quite overwhelming. I was a 17 year old child feeling so alone in the world, trying to make the best of a situation that did not make sense to me. Hoping each day I would come home to the mother I had before David died, although the memory of that person was fading fast.

Those hopes were dashed each day as I opened the door and went through the house calling her name only to find her passed out on the floor somewhere. After the initial disappointment I would take a deep breath shutting my eyes and hope and pray she was alive . I would then gather my courage and bend down to check her pulse and breathing sighing with relief when I knew she wasn’t dead.

My expectations were high on my 17th birthday and I truly believed it might be different that day. Maybe my mother would be sober to celebrate my birthday and hopefully my dad would come home to see me too. I was so excited at the thought that my parents might be there for me, I had been feeling so alone for a very long time. Maybe today would be different.

After arriving home from school I hurriedly went into the house looking for my mother. With a childlike faith and expectancy, I hoped she would be standing there to greet me but as I called her name there was no response.  She was most always passed out by this point but I never knew where I would find her. This day she was on the floor outside of the master bathroom. Walking into the powder room of the bath I bent down to see if I could hear her breathing and to check her pulse. Knowing she was “okay” I went to kitchen as the phone began to ring. It was my dad calling to say that he wouldn’t be coming home again because he was too busy and would be staying at the lake. He had not been home in a  long time. He didn’t even remember it was my birthday. Sadly I hung up the phone and went into the den.  My spirits were somewhat lifted as I saw birthday presents stacked on the old stereo, I guess mother did that before her drinking began that day. Not sure what to do because I knew she was out for the night and my dad wouldn’t be coming home, I decided to open my presents.

I sat on the blue rug in the den and began to celebrate my 17^th birthday by myself. That year I received three gifts that I remember: a beautiful light blue sweater that I had seen at Sanger Harris, pants to go with it, and a One Step Camera (this was the return of the Polaroid and very popular at the time). I was so excited about the camera that I opened it quickly to start taking pictures.

Not one to really read instructions, I loaded it with film and took a picture of our Christmas tree. As the camera spat out the photo, there was nothing on it so I took another. This continued to happen until I used the whole roll of film, each photo as blank as the next. I thought the camera didn’t work so I went to my room to try on my sweater. Excitedly I ran through the powder room, leaping over my mother’s passed out body, so I could go into her room and use the full length mirror. The sweater was as pretty as I thought it would be as I smiled at myself in the mirror.  When I returned to the den to see about my camera there were 20 pictures of our Christmas tree!!!  I laughed realizing it took awhile for the photographs to develop.

The story of the camera was so funny to me I decided shared it with someone. There was a boy in my chemistry class at school that I had this huge crush on. He was a year older than I, a star football player, and the most popular boy at school. That class was so fun for me and he and I laughed all the time. So the next day I told him the story about the camera. As I got to the part of the 20 pictures of the Christmas tree, I looked into his eyes expecting to see laughter but all I saw was sadness and sorrow. He touched my arm gently and said, “You mean you opened your birthday presents all by yourself? Susan that is the saddest thing I have ever heard.”

I can’t remember how I responded but I knew I had let my guard down and opened a window into my tragic life that I didn’t want revealed. From then on I was much more careful. I did not want anyone feeling sorry for me, especially him. I wanted him to see me as cute, funny, and outgoing, not the way I truly felt: alone, abandoned, unloved, and obviously  so deeply damaged that I didn’t matter to anyone. Another wall went up and I didn’t let my guard down again.

Thinking back to that day has brought upon a wave a sadness and it isn’t because I was alone and my parents had let me down again. What has made me sad in the past is that I was truly happy after the initial disappointment and had fun, and for some reason I found that tragic.

To be honest I was happy most the time, I hear that quite often from people who knew me then,  one girl  from school wrote me  and said “you were always be-bopping down the hall with a smile on your face and a jump to your step,I was somewhat jealous of your joy.”  And I did feel joy much of the time and I think that is because for some reason God protected my heart:) when I was in rehab my counselor smiled at me one time and said “You have such a child like quality” even though I was over 40 and one of the oldest in the rehab. He said I was full of hope, love, kindness, gentleness and forgiveness. I believe that child like quality was a gift from God who was protecting my heart through the pain. I now recognize those as the fruit of the Spirit. His spirit was with me always. To be honest I just came to this realization as I have been writing and the wave of sadness was washed away replaced by thankfulness for the joy I was able to experience through some very tragic circumstances. Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life. (Proverbs 4:23 NLT)

Assuredly, I say to you, unless you are converted and become as little children, you will by no means enter the kingdom of heaven.  Therefore whoever humbles himself as this little child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. (Matthew 18:3, 4 NKJV)

²² But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, ²³ gentleness, self-control. (Galatians 5:22)

Memories on Van Pelt

Yesterday I talked about the amazing journey God is taking me on as I revisit these places of darkness from my past. There is one place that I hope to revisit and that is the home I grew up in on Van Pelt. I went through the house a few years back. It was really a God thing :) I had gone to have lunch with Barbara Robertson Key and as I parked my car and got out Tad Denton’s mom and the owner of my old house were walking by . Barbara stepped out of her home and greeted them. As I meet the lady, I can’t remember her name, who lived in my house tears filled my eyes and I began to shake somewhat. 

That house, and I call it a house because I just don’t remember it as a home, brings back so many sad and painful memories. I always think of it as the house of death. There were times I would drive by it and I would feel so afraid as if it were filled with evil. I had built this up so much in my head I knew I had to face the fear but I just didn’t know how. The opportunity presented itself that day. As I cried softly the sweet lady asked me if I would like to go through my old home and without really realizing it I slowly nodded yes. As we walked across the street the painful memories started to bombard my mind from David’s death and shutting off his room as if he never existed to finding mother’s lifeless body after I graduated. Feeling somewhat overwhelmed I took a deep breath to try and relax. I’m not sure what this lady thought of my emotional response but I didn’t want her to know all that had happened there. We walked through the gate into the back yard and I remembered my trampoline that I spent hours jumping on , I was fearless then as I would flip and spin in the air as if I didn’t have a care in the world. As we walked up to the back patio I vaguely remembered the graduation party my parents had for my sister with a Hawaiian theme and the porch was decorated with lanterns, those were just flashes and I am not even sure if they are real memories. 

We went into the master bedroom through a door that I had forgotten about. As I stepped into the house memories began to flood my mind. This was my parents bedroom and although it was completely redecorated I saw it as it was when I was growing up . I could picture the dresser with two mirrors ( one for my dad and one for my mom) then the tall dresser by the closet. The bed was king size with a headboard to match the rest of the set . I relaxed a bit because this wasn’t too bad but then I remembered when mother started the fire and ruined her mattress because she was so drunk . The picture of her trying to make a bed without a mattress, tripping over the frame and not even realizing there was no bed broke my heart again.. I kind of shook my head and moved on.

The next room was Kathey’s room but became mine when she went to college. Again I could picture it perfectly with my cream colored furniture and my black light on the wall , posters tacked to the sheetrock that lit up when my room was dark . My megaphones and pompons from both Long and Skyline proudly arranged by my door . As I looked at the closet I remembered my Mark Spitz poster with his 7 gold medals in that bathing suit and smiled slightly. I could picture my television set and stereo / record player where I would play Kathey’s old albums . The one I remembered most was Herman Hermits “ Mrs. Brown You’ve Got A Lovely Daughter” for some reason that memory made me sad. I guess it reminded me of the lonliness I felt so often while growing up. 

Moving on I walked through the Jack and Jill bathroom with the triangle bathtub. Laughing I remembered spending hours in there with m y friends cracking the window up high and smoking cigarettes as we talked about our lives , dreams, and teenage angst. These memories brought a smile to my face and that was so very nice.. The Jack and Jill bathroom connected to my childhood room and those memories started off pleasant as I remembered the princess furniture , the baby dolls, Little Kiddles, and all the stuffed animals I collected.

The one I remembered most was a huge elephant that sat in the corner and I would arrange all the other animals around it. I was overcome with sadness as I thought of the that because in a way that toy elephant represented “ the elephant in the room “ that defined my life. All the problems and risks that went on in that home that no one wanted to discuss and the obvious truths that went unaddressed. Shutting my eyes I braced myself for the hardest memory of all. This was the room where I found my mother’s body after telling her I hated her and wished she were dead. I reminded myself I was not responsible for her death but I was ready to move one.

Walking across the hall I went into what was David’s room. That room was off limits for so very long . Maybe my parents believed if they shut the doors they could pretend he never existed and therefore never took his life in that room . I don’t have many memories of it because I wasn’t allowed to go in there. But I had one memory surface while in rehab and I don’t even know if it was real : David killed himself on the 4th of July 1971 in that room with my father’s gun. When we got home and went into the house I remember being so confused and not understanding what was happening to my world. My memory is that I opened the forbidden door quickly just to see in there, maybe David was there. I just had to open that door and look but when I did it was empty and all I saw were traces of blood that had been missed after the room was cleaned by whoever cleaned it. Like I said I don’t even know if that memory is real. It surfaced while in rehab . I guess I will never know if I just dreamed it or imagined it or if it really happened but the release of emotion that came from it was cathartic none the less.

We left David’s room and entered the powder room that connected to the master bath , this is where my mother usually was passed out . The cabinets in that room is where she would “ hide “ her vodka. I remember the first time I found cups of vodka stashed in cabinets throughout the house but mainly in that room. Maybe she hid it there because it was her room with her pretty stool and built in make up mirror where she would get ready and keep all her toiletries before she felt so hopeless and didn’t care anymore.

Next we walked down the hall into the sunken den that was a pretty cool feature to our home . Again the memories were of sadness: sitting on the floor watching “ All My Children” waiting for my dad to come home after finding my mother’s body. It was just so hard being alone at that time . Tears started to form and I was almost overcome just wanting some good memories to surface , there had to be some good memories in that house but if there are they are buried so deep………………………………………….. That is why I think I need to revisit that place if possible because there was so much darkness there and at the time I went through the house I was in a good place but not where I am today. I think if I walked through it today I would remember some good times, I just know it. That is on my list and the very nice lady told me I could come back anytime so maybe I will contact Barbara and revisit that house again. I know there is victory and light waiting for me but I have to face the fear and push through.

God has been faithful

Joel :25 The LORD says, “I will give you back what you lost."

This scripture has brought me such encouragement and God has been faithful, as he always is. He has restored so many things that I had lost and I am so thankful for that. This is especially true where relationships are concerned. My relationships with my children are in such a good place now. My son Sammy said to me one time “Mom I can’t even imagine you on drugs, it is like that was a different person. Please keep sharing your story because you are really helping people. I am so proud of you” Hailey with her sweet nature texted me one time and told me “Mom , I just want you to know that I always knew you loved me even when you did drugs. I never felt alone and abandoned like you did when I was growing up. It breaks my heart that you were hurt so badly” and my relationship with Alexis grows stronger every day, she just has more difficulty verbalizing her feelings but she has a heart of gold. This is the work of God.

He gave my children back to me , their hearts could have been hardened by what I put them through but God protected them and our relationships have been restored and reconciled. The most amazing relationship that God restored to me was with my father. There had been so much damage and in the fall of 2010 I was about to give up. My dad was so very critical of me and it just hurt. I would go see him in the nursing home throughout the years and he would say things like “Why did you let yourself go like that, you are so fat” and “Why are you wearing those glasses , you look awful”. I got to the point where I would just leave but the pain was deep. All I wanted from my dad was his love and acceptance and it just seemed as if that was not part of His plan for my life. After awhile the pain turned to anger and I made the decision not to go see him anymore. I didn’t deserve that treatment and I didn’t have to tolerate it so my visits became less frequent. I felt somewhat empowered by the boundary I had set but the pain was still so raw when I would think of how he treated me throughout my life. I decided to seek help and went to counseling.

This worked so much better than doing drugs as I had done in the past to deal with my pain : ) After a few sessions we decided to have someone sit in as my dad and I would tell him the things I felt he should apologize to me for. I spent a week making my list but was somewhat skeptical that I could pretend this man from church was my dad. The morning of the session I was nervous and just hoped and prayed healing would come from this because I needed healing in this area desperately. As we sat down and prayed it was as if the floodgates were opened and I unloaded, crying uncontrollably. It was just the most gut wrenching experience I can remember and when it was done I knew healing had taken place. The man who sat in as my dad was crying also and he said the Lord revealed to him that my Dad resented my strength because I stayed in that house and took care of my mother when he abandoned us.

He knew he should have been strong for me but he wasn’t, so he would lash out at me because of his guilt and find fault in everything about me. Wow, what a revelation!!! I had always seen my dad as so strong but after that session I was able to look at him through the eyes of God and see the hurt, pain, and guilt that had consumed his life since David’s suicide.. My anger was replaced with compassion and I could love him from the depths of my heart because I had truly FORGIVEN him. Leaving the session I went straight to the nursing home and walked into his room. He said “Hi, where have you been? I haven’t seen you in awhile?” I apologized and said I was sorry that I had just been so busy, but I would visit him regularly from now on. I then walked over to his bed and hugged him tightly telling him I loved him. He stiffened slightly as he always did when I tried to hug him, and said nothing. I sighed deeply, then pulled up a chair and just sat with my dad - accepting him for who he was and knowing he did the best he could.

My dad died on December 13th, 2010, exactly a year ago. And I was with him as he took his last breath . I had fallen asleep with my head on the side of his hospital bed and was startled awake with a dream about my mother. Looking at my dad I could tell his breathing had slowed and was very shallow. I stood up and kissed his forehead and began to recite Psalm 23 . Tears were flowing but I continued to speak God’s word with my cheek against his cheek, and then he was gone. The nurse called for a doctor to come announce the time of death and I just sat with my Daddy so very thankful that God had intervened and healed our relationship.