Memories on Van Pelt

Yesterday I talked about the amazing journey God is taking me on as I revisit these places of darkness from my past. There is one place that I hope to revisit and that is the home I grew up in on Van Pelt. I went through the house a few years back. It was really a God thing :) I had gone to have lunch with Barbara Robertson Key and as I parked my car and got out Tad Denton’s mom and the owner of my old house were walking by . Barbara stepped out of her home and greeted them. As I meet the lady, I can’t remember her name, who lived in my house tears filled my eyes and I began to shake somewhat. 

That house, and I call it a house because I just don’t remember it as a home, brings back so many sad and painful memories. I always think of it as the house of death. There were times I would drive by it and I would feel so afraid as if it were filled with evil. I had built this up so much in my head I knew I had to face the fear but I just didn’t know how. The opportunity presented itself that day. As I cried softly the sweet lady asked me if I would like to go through my old home and without really realizing it I slowly nodded yes. As we walked across the street the painful memories started to bombard my mind from David’s death and shutting off his room as if he never existed to finding mother’s lifeless body after I graduated. Feeling somewhat overwhelmed I took a deep breath to try and relax. I’m not sure what this lady thought of my emotional response but I didn’t want her to know all that had happened there. We walked through the gate into the back yard and I remembered my trampoline that I spent hours jumping on , I was fearless then as I would flip and spin in the air as if I didn’t have a care in the world. As we walked up to the back patio I vaguely remembered the graduation party my parents had for my sister with a Hawaiian theme and the porch was decorated with lanterns, those were just flashes and I am not even sure if they are real memories. 

We went into the master bedroom through a door that I had forgotten about. As I stepped into the house memories began to flood my mind. This was my parents bedroom and although it was completely redecorated I saw it as it was when I was growing up . I could picture the dresser with two mirrors ( one for my dad and one for my mom) then the tall dresser by the closet. The bed was king size with a headboard to match the rest of the set . I relaxed a bit because this wasn’t too bad but then I remembered when mother started the fire and ruined her mattress because she was so drunk . The picture of her trying to make a bed without a mattress, tripping over the frame and not even realizing there was no bed broke my heart again.. I kind of shook my head and moved on.

The next room was Kathey’s room but became mine when she went to college. Again I could picture it perfectly with my cream colored furniture and my black light on the wall , posters tacked to the sheetrock that lit up when my room was dark . My megaphones and pompons from both Long and Skyline proudly arranged by my door . As I looked at the closet I remembered my Mark Spitz poster with his 7 gold medals in that bathing suit and smiled slightly. I could picture my television set and stereo / record player where I would play Kathey’s old albums . The one I remembered most was Herman Hermits “ Mrs. Brown You’ve Got A Lovely Daughter” for some reason that memory made me sad. I guess it reminded me of the lonliness I felt so often while growing up. 

Moving on I walked through the Jack and Jill bathroom with the triangle bathtub. Laughing I remembered spending hours in there with m y friends cracking the window up high and smoking cigarettes as we talked about our lives , dreams, and teenage angst. These memories brought a smile to my face and that was so very nice.. The Jack and Jill bathroom connected to my childhood room and those memories started off pleasant as I remembered the princess furniture , the baby dolls, Little Kiddles, and all the stuffed animals I collected.

The one I remembered most was a huge elephant that sat in the corner and I would arrange all the other animals around it. I was overcome with sadness as I thought of the that because in a way that toy elephant represented “ the elephant in the room “ that defined my life. All the problems and risks that went on in that home that no one wanted to discuss and the obvious truths that went unaddressed. Shutting my eyes I braced myself for the hardest memory of all. This was the room where I found my mother’s body after telling her I hated her and wished she were dead. I reminded myself I was not responsible for her death but I was ready to move one.

Walking across the hall I went into what was David’s room. That room was off limits for so very long . Maybe my parents believed if they shut the doors they could pretend he never existed and therefore never took his life in that room . I don’t have many memories of it because I wasn’t allowed to go in there. But I had one memory surface while in rehab and I don’t even know if it was real : David killed himself on the 4th of July 1971 in that room with my father’s gun. When we got home and went into the house I remember being so confused and not understanding what was happening to my world. My memory is that I opened the forbidden door quickly just to see in there, maybe David was there. I just had to open that door and look but when I did it was empty and all I saw were traces of blood that had been missed after the room was cleaned by whoever cleaned it. Like I said I don’t even know if that memory is real. It surfaced while in rehab . I guess I will never know if I just dreamed it or imagined it or if it really happened but the release of emotion that came from it was cathartic none the less.

We left David’s room and entered the powder room that connected to the master bath , this is where my mother usually was passed out . The cabinets in that room is where she would “ hide “ her vodka. I remember the first time I found cups of vodka stashed in cabinets throughout the house but mainly in that room. Maybe she hid it there because it was her room with her pretty stool and built in make up mirror where she would get ready and keep all her toiletries before she felt so hopeless and didn’t care anymore.

Next we walked down the hall into the sunken den that was a pretty cool feature to our home . Again the memories were of sadness: sitting on the floor watching “ All My Children” waiting for my dad to come home after finding my mother’s body. It was just so hard being alone at that time . Tears started to form and I was almost overcome just wanting some good memories to surface , there had to be some good memories in that house but if there are they are buried so deep………………………………………….. That is why I think I need to revisit that place if possible because there was so much darkness there and at the time I went through the house I was in a good place but not where I am today. I think if I walked through it today I would remember some good times, I just know it. That is on my list and the very nice lady told me I could come back anytime so maybe I will contact Barbara and revisit that house again. I know there is victory and light waiting for me but I have to face the fear and push through.

Comments

[Susan Washington]

Great post - thanks for sharing Susan.