At Seventeen

There aren’t many birthdays I remember in detail but my 17th is engraved in my memory. Each time I read this part of my story I am brought to tears because of the tragedy of it all. I believe God was protecting me against the harsh reality of what my normal had become: living alone with my mother whose alcoholism had become so debilitating we had reversed roles with me taking care of her, it had become quite overwhelming. I was a 17 year old child feeling so alone in the world, trying to make the best of a situation that did not make sense to me. Hoping each day I would come home to the mother I had before David died, although the memory of that person was fading fast.

Those hopes were dashed each day as I opened the door and went through the house calling her name only to find her passed out on the floor somewhere. After the initial disappointment I would take a deep breath shutting my eyes and hope and pray she was alive . I would then gather my courage and bend down to check her pulse and breathing sighing with relief when I knew she wasn’t dead.

My expectations were high on my 17th birthday and I truly believed it might be different that day. Maybe my mother would be sober to celebrate my birthday and hopefully my dad would come home to see me too. I was so excited at the thought that my parents might be there for me, I had been feeling so alone for a very long time. Maybe today would be different.

After arriving home from school I hurriedly went into the house looking for my mother. With a childlike faith and expectancy, I hoped she would be standing there to greet me but as I called her name there was no response.  She was most always passed out by this point but I never knew where I would find her. This day she was on the floor outside of the master bathroom. Walking into the powder room of the bath I bent down to see if I could hear her breathing and to check her pulse. Knowing she was “okay” I went to kitchen as the phone began to ring. It was my dad calling to say that he wouldn’t be coming home again because he was too busy and would be staying at the lake. He had not been home in a  long time. He didn’t even remember it was my birthday. Sadly I hung up the phone and went into the den.  My spirits were somewhat lifted as I saw birthday presents stacked on the old stereo, I guess mother did that before her drinking began that day. Not sure what to do because I knew she was out for the night and my dad wouldn’t be coming home, I decided to open my presents.

I sat on the blue rug in the den and began to celebrate my 17^th birthday by myself. That year I received three gifts that I remember: a beautiful light blue sweater that I had seen at Sanger Harris, pants to go with it, and a One Step Camera (this was the return of the Polaroid and very popular at the time). I was so excited about the camera that I opened it quickly to start taking pictures.

Not one to really read instructions, I loaded it with film and took a picture of our Christmas tree. As the camera spat out the photo, there was nothing on it so I took another. This continued to happen until I used the whole roll of film, each photo as blank as the next. I thought the camera didn’t work so I went to my room to try on my sweater. Excitedly I ran through the powder room, leaping over my mother’s passed out body, so I could go into her room and use the full length mirror. The sweater was as pretty as I thought it would be as I smiled at myself in the mirror.  When I returned to the den to see about my camera there were 20 pictures of our Christmas tree!!!  I laughed realizing it took awhile for the photographs to develop.

The story of the camera was so funny to me I decided shared it with someone. There was a boy in my chemistry class at school that I had this huge crush on. He was a year older than I, a star football player, and the most popular boy at school. That class was so fun for me and he and I laughed all the time. So the next day I told him the story about the camera. As I got to the part of the 20 pictures of the Christmas tree, I looked into his eyes expecting to see laughter but all I saw was sadness and sorrow. He touched my arm gently and said, “You mean you opened your birthday presents all by yourself? Susan that is the saddest thing I have ever heard.”

I can’t remember how I responded but I knew I had let my guard down and opened a window into my tragic life that I didn’t want revealed. From then on I was much more careful. I did not want anyone feeling sorry for me, especially him. I wanted him to see me as cute, funny, and outgoing, not the way I truly felt: alone, abandoned, unloved, and obviously  so deeply damaged that I didn’t matter to anyone. Another wall went up and I didn’t let my guard down again.

Thinking back to that day has brought upon a wave a sadness and it isn’t because I was alone and my parents had let me down again. What has made me sad in the past is that I was truly happy after the initial disappointment and had fun, and for some reason I found that tragic.

To be honest I was happy most the time, I hear that quite often from people who knew me then,  one girl  from school wrote me  and said “you were always be-bopping down the hall with a smile on your face and a jump to your step,I was somewhat jealous of your joy.”  And I did feel joy much of the time and I think that is because for some reason God protected my heart:) when I was in rehab my counselor smiled at me one time and said “You have such a child like quality” even though I was over 40 and one of the oldest in the rehab. He said I was full of hope, love, kindness, gentleness and forgiveness. I believe that child like quality was a gift from God who was protecting my heart through the pain. I now recognize those as the fruit of the Spirit. His spirit was with me always. To be honest I just came to this realization as I have been writing and the wave of sadness was washed away replaced by thankfulness for the joy I was able to experience through some very tragic circumstances. Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life. (Proverbs 4:23 NLT)

Assuredly, I say to you, unless you are converted and become as little children, you will by no means enter the kingdom of heaven.  Therefore whoever humbles himself as this little child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. (Matthew 18:3, 4 NKJV)

²² But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, ²³ gentleness, self-control. (Galatians 5:22)

Comments

[Lisa Smith]

wow. awesome. so glad that you have overcame so much to be the person you are today.

[Venetia]

I am not sure how I missed reading this one. I hope I
would have done the same as the boy did. That is a sad thing to remember on your 17th birthday.