The Rose

Hosea 2:15  I will make the Valley of Achor (Trouble) a door of hope and expectation for her.

Mornings are the toughest and sleep has not come easy. I wake up crying, these tears are coming from deep within my soul and spirit. God is so good and I am trusting HIM with all my heart. He blessed me with a sign this morning as I prayed. He used a photo HE has used before to confirm HIS call on my life . The life and death of our Alexis Rose Washington will lead many to the Lord, it already has.  So I feel  led to share this photo again.

What became apparent last time was the plaque that reads : You are now entering your mission field ( he confirmed he wants me to be a speaker : ) and what became apparent today was the vase of roses on the table beside me.  They look as if they are an extension of me. Tears formed in my eyes as I thought of the power in this picture and how God keeps revealing more to me through this amazing photo.

Then I remembered a string of emails between my sister Kathey and her friend Barbara. In these emails that started about a year before her death and ended a few months before she died Kathey and Barbara shared their lives, hopes, dreams, and faith. She talked about God and how her relationship with him specifically knowing Him as the God of the triune ( God, Jesus, and Holy Spirit)  sustained her through so many of our family’s tragedies . She only referred to one scripture which was Psalm 121 which was the first scripture I felt led to memorize after the Virginia Tech massacre ( I didn’t know of these e-mails then). That was not a coincidence, that was God ‘s tapestry weaving in our lives . It is a sign from HIM that I can go back to when I struggle, HE knew.

In these e-mails Kathey referred to one song  : The Rose by Bette Midler, I didn’t realize this song meant so much to her but this is not a coincidence either, this is a precious sign from God to brind me comfort during this sorrowful time .   I thought of  the Kathey’s emails  today as I saw the vase of Roses that look to be an extension of me in the photo of me praying.  Alexis , my Rosebud, is an extension of me and will always be in my heart. It is another one of God’s gifts showing the tapestry of how our lives are intertwined and I know my precious Rosebud is with my precious sister in Heaven.

More importantly I know what God expects me to do : SHARE HIS LOVE AND GRACE TO A HURTING WORLD AND LET THEM KNOW THERE IS ALWAYS HOPE EVEN IN THEIR DARKEST HOUR (S).  ( that was my blog on June 5 two days before she died, at that time I thought I knew my darkest hour  thinking my world couldn’t or wouldn’t get any darker BUT it did and as I am IN the midst of this  darkness  HE surrounds me with HIS LIGHT and that LIGHT  shines brighter.

Light is more apparent in the Darkness and of course more needed so I am going to let HIS light SHINE BRIGHT from within  during this very dark time.  This tragedy has broken me more but I know LIGHT shines more brightly through broken vessels there are now more cracks for HIS LIGHT to shine through.  I want HIS LIGHT to be apparent in me.  TRUSTING HIM COMPLETELY AND HIS PLAN. 

So thankful for all the prayers and support. Here are the words to the song , again the only song, my sister Kathey shared in her email  and of course my daughter’s middle name. God is amazing. This song is perfect for Alexis, she is the ROSE and I named her well.  She is a seed that will produce a great harvest !!!!

“The Rose”

Some say love, it is a river
That drowns the tender reed.
Some say love, it is a razor
That leaves your soul to bleed.
Some say love, it is a hunger,
An endless aching need.
I say love, it is a flower,
And you its only seed.

It’s the heart afraid of breaking
That never learns to dance.
It’s the dream afraid of waking
That never takes the chance.
It’s the one who won’t be taken,
Who cannot seem to give,
And the soul afraid of dyin’
That never learns to live.

When the night has been too lonely
And the road has been too long,
And you think that love is only
For the lucky and the strong,
Just remember in the winter
Far beneath the bitter snows
Lies the seed that with the sun’s love
In the spring becomes the rose.

Roses have long been a symbol for LOVE. We know Alexis loved BIG and we now know how much she was LOVED. I am so glad she can witness from heaven the difference she made. She didn’t believe that while on this earth. Let your friends  and family know how much they mean to you, you never know when it will be their time. LOVE BIG like Alexis Rose did : )) We can’t love BIG in our own strength we have rely on JESUS !!!

Hosea 2:15  I will make the Valley of Achor (Trouble) a door of hope and expectation for her.

Alexis Rose Washington Memorial Video

Alexis Rose Washington from Susan DeFace Washington on Vimeo.

Alexis Rose Washington June 7, 2012 ( A little later still )

I love her beautiful green eyes and this shows her spunk :)

Mustering up all the strength and courage that I could I began to walk down that stark white hall again, the memories that surfaced in my mind were of the recurring nightmare I had after mother died . David and Mother were in clown makeup chasing me down a stark endless hall ( it was my home on Van Pelt) accusing me of being a killer and a horrible person. I shook my head and rebuked that thought. I was not alone as I felt  I was when I was18 and found my  mother dead on that fateful Memorial Day. On June 7, 2012 I was surrounded by people who loved me , people who were demonstrating God’s love and grace at an unbearable time. People I was living life with , people who I had deep connections with through relationship and my church.  I felt HIS presence and took a deep breath.  She was in the last room on the right. Jeff and Jill were hugging me and I’m not sure who else was there but the nurse opened the door and I closed my eyes for a moment bracing myself. The sheet was pulled over her head and they went to pull it down reminding me they couldn’t clean her up until the medical examiner came. I opened my eyes and looked at my baby who had been so full of life and such a fighter. Her face was perfect except for the blood and there was a tube in her throat. I honestly don’t recall how I reacted and I couldn’t believe she was gone because she just looked perfect. I’m not sure where the blood had come from but I don’ think there was even a scratch on her ( which is a miracle because they wouldn’t even let me see the car because it was so mangled, but John who got her things out of the car said there was just a little space around the driver’s side uninterrupted.) I didn’t pull the sheet down to look at her body though. I’m thinking I hugged her.  After awhile I wanted to leave the room and we returned to the little place that was now “our room” . By this time the Jensen’s had arrived ( they are the ones who lost their son Alex in a skiing accident ) Warner and his parents. It was heartbreaking looking at the brokenness in my husband. Hailey and Sammy were still so upset and I was just in a fog so I really only know this from my perspective. At moments I would run to them kneeling before them grabbing there knees saying we are going to be okay with as much strength as I could , sometimes I think it came out as a question pleading for their confirmation.  And at times I was  immersed in my own grief.

At one point I screamed I wanted a cigarette and Sammy looked up sharply and screamed “NO” I could see the fear in his eyes that  a cigarette might lead to alcohol and that might lead to meth.  Even though I really wanted one I said okay and he looked so relieved. It was so heart wrenching to not be able to relieve my children's  pain. Hailey and Sammy just kept saying “no” and how they wanted to talk to her again. All I could do was hug them and assure them we would get through this somehow.

Alexis’ dad answered the medical examiners questions and then there was nothing else to do at the hospital . We needed to move on and begin to plan the arrangements for our baby.  Before we left the hospital we decided on Monday evening because Lynn let me know that Keith was going to be out of town that weekend. One thing I knew is I wanted my pastor Keith Spurgin to lead this service. I picked 7 o’clock and felt a little peace that a decision had been made.  I had to see Alexis one more time even though they told me they would let me see her cleaned up I just had to hug her . On some level I think I was scared they might lose her or something and I wouldn’t get the chance to see her again so I went in the room . Again I’m not sure if Sammy, Hailey, and Warner went. I think they did. My only memory is of Warner crying saying “he didn’t want to see her that way” but I think he did. I only knew I had to. I kissed her cheek and brushed back her hair with my hand. I then thought about the James Avery ring I had given her for graduation 2 years ago and I pulled back the sheet a little to see if there was a ringon her finger but there wasn’t .  She had her James Avery Cross necklace and a belly button ring they had put in an envelope. On her ear in the cartilage area there was a bar thing and I guess they couldn’t get that out , not sure what that is called.

We all then left the hospital and Jill offered her home as a place to meet. Jill is an angel from God. Jill drove me and we left the car I was driving there, she said John and Johnny would get it, Keith drove Warner, Jake drover Warner’s car, Shelby drove my Sammy, and Tony drove Hailey and sweet Kendall Grace.  As Jill and I left the parking lot she knew I needed Starbucks so we headed there and I got 2 Venti Skinny Caramel Lattes and we headed to Wylie. I was still having trouble processing exactly where the accident happened for some reason I thought it was near South Fork but then learned it was closer to Wylie so I asked Jill if she would show me where, she knew exactly where it was . So we headed toward the site.

Alexis loved life and treasured all living things : people, animals ( even insects),and from her journal I know she loved GOD

June 7th , 2012- Alexis Rose ( a little later)

Sammy’s facial expression of concern as he walked in will forever be etched on my mind.  He looked imploringly at me and asked “How is she”. I began to cry and said she is gone. He screamed  “NO” and began to fall apart. Shelby was right behind him and said “No , NO, NO” and we all cried together. This is where it gets all confusing.  I think I called Mel to tell her Alexis had died and I think I called Jill also. I just remember Jill was there , Sammy, Shelby, then my Hailey arrived. Jeff , my boss, had also come and he was a great support to me.  It was just a horrible moment of grief, gut wrenching cries as we clung to each other. Warner was on his way and I think he knew, Not sure on that. Everything was a blur. My pastor Keith was there, Jake the youth pastor, Lynn the equipping pastor and my dear friend Patti Ramsey and Angela who is like a daughter to me.. As I said this was all a blur. All I knew is I wanted to see my baby, I felt as if I had to see her. The nurse was trying to prepare me because there was a lot of blood but I didn’t care  We began to walk down the hall to the room Alexis was in and I began to slow down. Fear started to rise within me and I didn’t know if I could take it. The nurse  and Jill hugged me and said I didn’t need to see her if I felt I couldn’t . So I decided to wait and returned to the little room where we were all gathered.

The next thing that happened or at least I believe happened was Two DPS Officers who arrived on the scene wanted to talk to me so we went to another room. At this time it was Me, Jill, and my Pastor Keith. They said Alexis was traveling at a high rate of speed and lost control on the curve, as she  overcorrected she veered into the oncoming traffic and a red 350 Dodge truck impacted her on the passenger side. She went into the grass by the cabinet shop and I think died instantly. If I am correct they said she was revived briefly but the damage was too severe. I asked the troopers about the man who was driving the truck wondering if he was injured and they said his knees were hurt a little but that was it. Thankful he was okay I asked them to tell him not to feel guilty, it was just a tragic accident. I never want anyone to feel guilty . We then returned to the room and I decided to go see my Rosebud, this time I would make it there. I just had to see her

June 7, 2012- Alexis Rose Washington

There are moments which mark your life. Moments that you realize nothing will ever be the same. And time is divided into two Parts: Before this and  after this.

This saying has fit my life so many time but never more than now. As I was praying this morning and crying out to God in my pain he told me to write, he told me to journal. He reminded me of all the Healing that has happened through my writing for me and for others. That touched my heart so I am going to process about the morning of June 7 and share my experience.

I had left for work about 8:30 and decided to stop at Wal-Mart in Rowlett to buy these new Rembrandt whitening dissolving strips for my teeth, lip liner, and some sweet mint Orbit gum. I ran into the store and left my phone in the car. After buying the items I went back to the car and surprisingly didn’t think about my phone. ( Normally I have my phone on a charger and connected to my stereo so I can listen to my Itunes but since my car broke down I am borrowing a car and had just basically set the phone under the dash )  As I started to drive off I could hear the vibration of my phone because I had it on silent so I grabbed it and saw it was a  469 number and answered. A man asked to speak to Susan Washington and I immediately thought he was a sales person or a creditor so I lied and said there wasn’t a Susan Washington. He asked again if I was her and I said “No, who is this ?” and he said the Wylie Police Department.   That caught me off guard because it was a 469 number and  not a 972-442 number but I said “Oh I am Susan Washington I just thought you were a creditor or sales person “ and then he asked if I had a daughter named Alexis Washington. My mind started to race just random thoughts thinking she might have gotten in trouble or something but it was 8:30 so thoughts just kept bombarding my mind. He then said she was in a car accident and had been transported to the hospital and I asked if she was okay. He said he arrived on the scene after  she left but that it was a bad accident. I freaked out and he kept asking if I was okay and I said yes. We hung up and I called Melanie and I know she could hear the fear in my  voice. She wanted me to call Ramonne or Cheri to drive me but I was already on my way so I just overlooked that. I asked her to call Jeff , my boss, and tell him because I work alone on Thursdays so there would be no one to open the model.  We hung up and I was trying to figure out where the hospital was , I just couldn’t remember.  I normally don’t go toll roads but did that day ( I need to tell Ramonne because he will have Zip Cash charges ). I called Sammy and spoke to him telling him I didn’t know how she was but to meet me at the hospital, I called Hailey but didn’t reach her, then called Warner and told him telling him I would call when I got there. My mind was still racing and I began to wonder how she was transported. I had to know. So I called the police back and asked if she was transported by ambulance or helicopter and he replied ambulance. For some reason that made me think she was okay because if it was really bad they would have called Care Flight. So in a way I kind of felt peace that she was okay.  As I drove on I called Angela because I knew I had taken her to see her dad at the Medical Center Plano ( I think)  and I thought it was at 15^th and Coit.  I just wasn’t processing good and wasn’t sure about this hospital. Lastly I called Jill , I didn’t get her but she called right back and I told her Alexis was in a car wreck, she asked if it was on Parker and I said “Yes why do you know that?”  Her housekeeper had come upon it and I asked what she said and I don’t remember how she replied but she protected me because she knew I was driving. Finally I arrived at the hospital and frantically tried to find the emergency room.  After asking directions I sped to the parking lot and parked. The security guard who patrolled came and yelled at me to slow down and I told him I was sorry  breaking down into tears. Then I ran into the ER and asked to see my daughter that I had been told she was transported there. They told me to walk through the doors. I went through  and started looking for Alexis but they stopped me and told me to go sit in this room and that a nurse would be with me in a moment. I kept screaming is she okay and they just said a nurse would be with me. I was freaking out and alone, I have always been alone when my loved ones died  and I was with them : with mother, daddy, and now Alexis. I was told of Kathey’s death over the phone.  So I  paced in this little room waiting for the nurse who came in and said a doctor needed to  speak to me. My heart stopped for a second and I think I screamed. People in the waiting room told someone they hoped I was okay because I was screaming. I don’t recall that. But I just waited for the doctor and it seemed like an eternity.  He came in and asked me to sit down. He told me the wreck was really bad and they lost her at the scene but I think he said they got her heart beat back for awhile ( I was hopeful again) but he said the internal injuries were too severe and she was gone. I am sure that is when I screamed.  My phone went off with a text from Sammy saying he was there. And I didn’t know how I was going to tell him Alexis was gone. They were so close in age there was a twin like connection. So  again I just waited for my baby to come to me. Then Hailey started calling and I ignored her calls knowing I needed to tell Tony’s mother . I couldn’t say this to Hailey over the phone.l think I screamed again not knowing what to do just waiting for my Sammy who I needed so desperately but I did not want to deliver this news. It is just surreal.