There is always hope even in your darkest hour (s) !!

Ten years ago on June 5,2002  I got pulled over at LBJ and La Prada in Dallas, Texas . The end result of that traffic stop was the possession charge that revoked my probation and sent me to prison . As I said in my recent blogs my life had deteriorated at such a fast rate from my relapse a few weeks earlier. As the cops went to their car to run my license I knew I would be searched so I tried to eat part of the drugs I had . It was hard but I succeeded.

Although the baggies got stuck in my throat I was finally able to swallow them. As they went down the reality set in that I could OD on all these drugs. I had just left the dealer and had all kinds of drugs , I had meth for me and pills and coke that I got for someone else. I ingested a lot and what I didn't eat resulted in a state jail felony. I was really scared because I didn't want to die but I didn't want to tell the cops I ate the evidence either so I just remained silent .

God protected me again, that is the conclusion I have come to is God had a hedge of protection around me during those weeks of insanity : when I ran out of gas in Lindale and was scared of the truck driver, when I crashed my car the day of the bus accident , and when I ate a bunch of drugs. He kept me alive for HIS purpose and has been preparing me since I accepted him 7 years ago;))

I know I still have so far to go but I look how far he has brought me and how he has changed me from the inside out and I want to serve him sharing all he has done in for me. He has performed some amazing miracles in my life and I want to tell of the things he has done!!! I want to be like Isaiah who said " Here I am, Send me" when the Lord asked  " Whom shall I send? And who will go for us? I want the Lord to use me ~!!! 

Isaiah 6:8

Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, “Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?” And I said, “Here I am. Send me!”

I was very messed up , making some horrible choices but he stilled loved me and wants to use me. No matter what you have done , He loves you too and has a purpose for your life . There is always hope and it is never too late to change. I am living proof of what HE can do and there is so much yet to come. Loving life and can't wait to see what he has for me:)) As I look at my mug shot below , I appear  desperate but today I am a new person overflowing with hope. That is what a relationship with him can do.

Addiction- A snowball effect

As I said previously between May 26,2002 and July 18.2002 my life was spiraling out of control, the chain of events that happened had a snowball effect and I was lucky to make it through. Well of course I know it wasn't luck, it was God's sovereighnty.  During my year of sobriety from April 24.2001 to probably the middle of May 2002 I had gotten my life together basically. I had lost weight  ( remember I was probably the only fat meth addict ever ) and I felt really healthy. The problem was I was only healthy  on the outside, and still not healed on the inside. It was as if I put a bandaid on my wound (the addiction) instead of trying to get to the source of the bleeding ( the root of my problems) which ran very deep. I attended a lot of AA meetings throughout the year and I loved the program although I didn't work it to the full extent because I wasn't ready to go there yet. I was scared about what I would find if I dug too deep.

I put a bandaid on my addiction and a smile on my face believing that if I was sober nothing  bad would ever happen again.  I was setting myself up for a huge let down with those unrealistic expectations and I should have known because I had done this repeatedly in my life. (When Kathey got sick and we knew it was terminal I refused to believe she would actually die. In my thwarted way of thinking there was a scoreboard in my head and I thought "I have already lost a brother and mother tragically, God will not take Kathey. It isn't fair !!  I have many friends who have lost no one, He won't take Kathey.  The score is 2 - O when comparing myself with many people I knew !!!"  As the reality set in and Kathey's life dwindled away I  was hurt even worse because of my expectations and beliefs.  My drug use increased because I was hurt worse because of this let down but I was let down because of my thinking.  As I quoted before " You don't think your way into a new kind of living, you live your way into a new kind of thinking " My thinking has caused me so many problems which has made the real problems worse.

After over a year sober it was just a matter of time until I would relapse because I didn't change my way of  thinking. My thinking was very simplistic and child like " If I am clean and sober I will have the perfect life " The first time imperfection set in I was hugely let down. The abuse by my father , the loss of my teaching certificate , and the ramificactions of being a felon were a slap in my face because I had this idea that all would be perfect and of course nothing is ever perfect and I didn't have God.

The relapse came after I was fired as a substitute teacher because of my felony drug charges, I was shocked and dismayed by what I perceived as a personal rejection. My father's abuse became more frequent after my firing and I felt defeated. I disregarded everything I learned in reahab and went to see my drug dealer "friend" promising myself I wouldn't use, that I just wanted to see how he was. I wasn't there 5 minutes before I was using. Then the snowball gathered speed.

Yesterday I share about June 24 and today I am going to share about May 26,2002. It was another incident on I-20 in Lindale Texas. Not sure whats up with heading west on I-20 from Kilgore, Texas but these events have had a lasting effect and what is so strange is that I kind of forgot about them until recently.  God has brought them to the surface of my mind for some reason and as I process the events in my life I receive more clarity when I write about it so let's go back to May 26, 2002. Sorry I am not a chronological kind of girl but this event was just a few weeks before the simultaneous accidents on June 24. Things were crazy in this time period absolutely nuts !!!

It was Sunday May 26, 2002, the day before Memorial Day ( of course ). I was back to using daily . I had gone to Kilgore to see a friend from rehab who I had relapsed with ( he is now serving 12 years because he couldn't stay clean, just a bunch of small possession charges, I just wrote him a letter and went to visit him at Dawson trying to encourage him)

Anyway I left to drive back to Rockwall . I needed gas but put it off and ran out in Lindale off of I-20 and  saw no station in sight so I began to walk ( I have been clean almost 10 years and in that time I haven't run out of gas once , literally or figuratively :)) while on drugs I ran out all the time literally and figuratively . I even fell asleep at my desk in class and my students woke me up and asked if it was nap time!!!)))) 

After I had been walking awhile a man in an 18 wheeler pulled over . Excited about help I approached the truck but when he opened the door my heart skipped a beat and I was scared . He was rough looking and said get in, even in my altered state my gut told me I was in trouble. Looking around skittishly I didn't know what to do. Impatiently he said get in again and at that moment a DPS officer pulled up and asked if there was a problem. Not sure what to do because I had drugs on me but I was very scared of the man  in the truck so I told the trooper I ran out of gas and went with him. I was so nervous after getting gas he asked if he could search my car because I was acting suspicious. I predicted that would happen so I had the drugs on me and was able to dispose of them but I didn't get rid of my pipe and some basically empty baggies. He issued me a paraphernalia ticket. I left shaking but  when I got back to Rockwall I went and got more drugs .

God saved me that day and tried to warn me with that ticket to get back on the right path but I chose the path of self destruction . Not sure what would have happened if I got in that truck with that man but the red flags were flying frantically and I chose to go with an officer while on probation for manufacturing meth, high, and with drugs on me so I was extremely  scared . That decision may have very well saved my life. It would be the next week on June 5 that I would get pulled over and get the  possession charge that revoked my probation that ultimately sent me to prison. Thank God I went to prison, I really mean that. I think prison scared me straight keeping me clean just long enough for God to get through to me .After I opened the eyes of my heart to the Lord , he began the intense healing that I so desparately needed and that continues today.

God certainly works in mysterious ways and I'm thankful knowing  he intervened that day.  And what seemed  bad ( getting a ticket) was actually a blessing in disguise as prison was. It was all part of His plan.  Another part of my journey visiting places where I was in bondage and defeat now standing in the victory and freedom that only he provides:)

6/24/02- Two simultaneous accidents - Two different outcomes :(

Monday June 24, 2002 was a surreal day to say the least.  It had been a couple of weeks since I got my new possession charge and I was frantic, so scared my probation officer was going to find out so I stayed away from the house as much as possible.  My plan was to stay clean but I just couldn’t,  the addiction was too strong and I started using again a few days after I got out of jail.  I was feeling hopeless and knew my life was out of control again but I couldn't stop.  I just didn’t realize how far gone I was and how dangerous my life was becoming.

By this time it was just me and my Dad at the house in Rockwall. Sammy and Alexis were spending a lot of time at Warner's parents since I was back to using daily, Hailey was in and out between Rockwall and Wylie where their grandparents lived. The weekend before that fateful Monday I had gone to Kilgore basically to get high with some friends and to get away from Rockwall. It was just crazy times and the problem was I didn’t really know anyone in Kilgore.  The people I was acquaintances with were all using very heavily, no one really had a home or a place for me to stay. So I was going from place to place, just jumping around. I had been up for days and was running out of money so I knew I needed to get back to Rockwall. After driving around alone all Sunday night I decided to start the drive back home early Monday morning, the biggest problem was I was out of dope and very tired so the details are very blurry !

 I started going west on I-20 about 8:30 or so and was barely able to keep my eyes open.  Honestly I don’t recall the drive other than nodding off and shaking myself awake occasionally.  The next thing I remember was waking up as I ran off the road into a concrete culvert , shaking and wide awake now due to the impact I emerged from my car to investigate the damage,  the front end of my car was smashed  and my two front tires were flat,  the wheels were damaged and I knew the car was not drivable. Amazingly I was not hurt at all  because from the looks of the car I should have been injured , no one noticed  me or the car either, there wasn’t much traffic going west  that Monday morning. I felt invisible. Taking a quick look at the clock in my car  I noticed it was about  9:40 or 9:45.  I climbed up the culvert trying to figure out what to do. My mind was not clear and I didn’t have anyone to call so I began to walk. Looking across I-20 I saw a gas station/restaurant and decided to run over there and get some cigarettes and something to eat and drink. Then I would make my plan.

As I ran across the west bound lanes of I 20 I stopped in  the grassy  median of the east and west bound lanes.  I noticed there was a lot of traffic backed up heading east and wondered what was happening. As I ran across the east bound lanes between cars not moving I heard the sound of helicopters above. Meth tends to make you very paranoid  and delusional so I wasn’t sure if the helicopters were real or if I was having hallucinations. I just knew I was scared and wanted to get in the station and splash water on my face to try and gather my thoughts and distinguish what was real and what was an illusion. As I ran into the restroom I shivered slightly as I looked in the mirror. I looked horrible and worn out. I was somewhat surprised that my appearance went downhill so fast  I had only been using again for about a month,  before that I had over a year clean but I looked just as ragged out as I had when we got busted the year before.  I cupped water in my hand from the faucet throwing it on my face and wet my hair in the sink to try and clean up.  Looking in the mirror one more time a tear rolled down my cheek because the reflection looking back at me was obviously a drug addict, I hated who I had become. I pushed those feelings down , took a deep breath and went out to buy something. It was then that I  heard the sound of sirens and more helicopters.

Knowing this was not my imagination I walked out of the store and saw there was no movement at all on I-20 east. Looking up I saw that  some of the helicopters were  from  hospitals and some were from Dallas news stations. Fire trucks, highway patrol ,and ambulances were driving in the grass on the median I had just run across trying to make it through the traffic. Afraid and stunned by what I was witnessing I asked someone in the parking lot if they knew what happened and they said they weren’t sure.  As a policeman pulled into the station I got very paranoid because I was on drugs, I didn’t have any left but I did have paraphernalia on me.  To be honest I was freaking out because on some level I thought they could be looking for me because my probation officer had found out about my new charge  and issued a  warrant  and  sent the  Rockwall Sheriff's department to arrest me. That is what meth does , it is just unbelievable how your mind runs crazy. I know of tragic things that have happened when people were in a paranoid delusion due to meth.

I wanted to get away from the cops so I decided to run back to my car and charge my phone. As I ran to  it I noticed more helicopters  hovering overhead. Whatever happened was really bad and was really close . Although my car was not drivable I could start it , probably not the best idea but I wasn’t thinking clearly and needed to get the charge on my phone up so I could call and see if someone could help me and maybe find out what was going on. With all the news helicopters I was sure there was maybe a broadcast.  All I knew is something horrible happened because of all the emergency vehicles I was seeing  and I knew that it probably happened at about the same time as I fell asleep at the wheel and went off the road. Shaking I  got in my car, turned the key, and plugged my phone in. I rested my head back and closed my eyes wondering how on earth I was going to get myself out of this mess, not realizing how lucky I was to be alive because across that highway a bus carrying a group of teenagers to church camp crashed into a concrete pillar killing 5 people . The speculation was the driver fell asleep at the wheel. As  I thought about it later I realized that the bus crash and my crash happened about the same time, we had probably passed each other although I didn't realize that right before the driver and I fell asleep. I would run off into a culvert  and walk away without a scratch and the bus would hit a concrete pillar killing four innocent teenagers and the driver. For some reason God spared my life and it didn't seem fair at all . The timing of these two incidents were unbelievable and I am still processing that.