Alexis' Sweet Heart- She was hurting but also healing :)

It is so wonderful to hear Alexis' voice in her writings and you can see her courage and boldness. Before she went on this interview I told her she needed to be honest about her past because when we are honest we can walk in freedom. I know how hard it is to confess your failures and mistakes in a job interview because you run the risk of being rejected but the rewards of facing your fears head on regardless of the consequences are indescribable. Honestly it is hard to confess your failures and mistakes in any venue but once you do God's light shines in and takes away the darkness of your secrets and  the lies Satan is whispering in your ear.  As the Bible says in  John 8:   " ³² Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” Nothing has made more of a difference in my life than walking in truth and light, God's light can shine from within. It is the most powerful precept I live by.

Even in my pain, a pain so deep and raw that  I have never experienced before and I have experienced a lot of pain, I see God's goodness and grace. Later I will share  HIS amazing love  and gift to me through photos of the car. He blessed me so much and I want to shout from the depth of my soul how Good He Is and how I know HE is hurting with me and for me. We live in a broken world but HIS grace and love is still omnipotent . And because of his unconditional love that lives in my heart HIS brilliant light can shine through my brokenness.

  

My last quality moments with Alexis and more of her incredible journal :)

Hopefully you have been enjoying this journal of Alexis and it has given you a glimpse into her heart and soul. There weren't many entries and I only have a few more to share but again I am so thankful to God for them. They have blessed Warner, Hailey, Sammy and me  and brought comfort to my breaking heart. There are lessons for all of us, young and a little older :) through these writings. Today I just want to say hug the people in your life and speak words of encouragement that will build them up. Choose to see the best in them and speak to that. We are all wired differently so that is hard for some people to do. Alexis was very guarded but felt so deeply and you will see that in some of the later journals, you have already seent he depth of her wisdom. She was much wiser than her 20 years would suggest.

The last time I spent quality time with  Alexis was on Monday June 4, 2012  at Kenen's house, she was hanging out with Angela and Riley was playing with all the kids. I had stopped by to see her and give her a shirt that I thought would magnify her beautiful green eyes.  She was hopeful and excited about a new boy named Shane that she had gone out with and had asked her to the races for the coming weekend. It warmed my heart to see that shy smile when I asked if he was a boyfriend, just that special smile when a young girl feels a boy really likes her. She needed that desperately.  

We were trying to figure out babysitting for the coming Saturday June 9 because she was going to do some community service and then go to the races with Shane. As we walked outside I told her I was so proud of how responsiblie she had become and that all this mess was almost over and soon she would be free and clear not having to worry about her legal consequences.  During the last few months I had encouraged her to take everything one day at a time, one fine at a time, one class at at time because then it wouldn't seem so overwhelming. When we look at the big picture of all we have to do at times  it can be so overwhelming. I listed to her all the things she had accomplished and could check off her list.  I told her again this is almost over then you will finally have some freedom with your time and your money. I have never thought I had the gift of prophecy but I certainly spoke prophetically that day.  She is completely free from all the worries she had.

I also wanted her to see the car that I wanted to get for her, it was the one I was borrowing from Ramonne and Cheri since my car broke down. It is a 94 Maxima in great condition. She didn't look thrilled but when I told her it had an amazing air conditioner and a radio her eyes lit up and she hoped Ramonne would let us buy it from him. I told her we had been discussing it. Then we hugged awkwardly because hugs tended to be outside our comfort zone , that is just he way it was with us  but we tried because we loved each other deeply. Then we both said "I love you" at the same time. I got in the car and we waved.

We talked on the phone after that but that was the last time I really spent time with her until I saw her at the hospital after she passed. So thankful I went by Kenen's because I almost put it off until Thursday night which of course would have been too late. 

So my advice to you is :  love big my friends and don't put off until tomorrow what can be done today, you never know if tomorrow will come. I loved that girl , everything about her : her beauty, humor, love, and even her difficulties. I kind of rambled in this blog but I am going to leave it, it came straight from my heart. Below is the next journal from Alexis. So very thankful :)) As always trusting God daily . I am not only laying my burdens at the cross , I am laying down there too. Because it is at the cross  where grace and mercy meet. I need his grace and mercy constantly.

 

From the Heart of Alexis-What an amazing heart she had:)

Here are two more excerpts from Alexis' journal. What I love the most as I read these is the simplicity and the depth of them at the same time. They reveal a childlike quality which is so charming and they also reveal the wisdom and understanding of a young woman who was wise beyond her very short 20 years. What is amazing about someones writing is you can "hear" their voice through it, Alexis' voice is so apparent and I am so thankful for that.

I have a really funny story that goes along with one of these journals. Alexis and I laughed until we cried about this.  Alexis had gotten a ticket and really couldn't afford to pay it since she didn't have a job yet. She was really stressed and made the decision to sit the ticket out in jail. They told her she would have to sit it out for four days ( I think they were trying to deter her from that and have her make a payment plan) . She felt four days was a long time but she accepted it and started to plan. The plan was to turn herself in on a Friday and stay through the weekend. It takes a lot of preparation to go to jail when you have a three year old and she was getting prepared. Riley and her well being were most important to Alexis. Jill was going to keep Riley Friday night and let her spend the night and watch her Sat since Warner and I work. Then Warner could keep her Sunday and I on Monday. I thought they might let her out early and give her double time or something but if she had to stay to Tuesday we would figure it out.  Everything was in place and the dreaded Friday came. Honestly I wondered if she would do it, sitting in the Wylie jail for four days would be very boring and I knew time would go slow. I thought she might call and put it off but she didn't . As I said she was determined.

She called me as she drove to the Wylie Jail to turn herself in and I told her how proud I was that she was taking responsibility. We hung up and I was just so impressed with her. There weren't too many 20 year olds who would turn themselves in for a ticket , they would wait until they got pulled over and  had a warrant for their arrest probably thinking it would never happen to them but she knew she couldn't take that chance with Riley. She was being so responsible about this and  that  warmed my heart to see her heart.

After we talked I returned to my work  and didn't think much more about it . My phone began to ring about an hour after I had talked to Alexis and I was surprised it was her, she was supposed to be in jail. I answered and she was crying uncontrollably which really scared me but I finally got her to calm down. She told me they wouldn't let her go to jail because she didn't have a warrant and even though she begged them they kept saying "no".:)) I could just picture her crying begging them to let her in jail !!I even got a little upset with them about the whole situation then I began to comfort her telling her I would call and see if I could plead her case so she could go to jail.  As I said the sentence I began to laugh hysterically about the conversation we were having.

The irony of the circumstances hit me like a ton of bricks :) It was just a crazy situation:) My 19 year old daughter was crying and so upset because they wouldn't let her go to jail. She was genuinely distraught when normally people are distraught when they get arrested . I was thinking only in my family would this be. Alexis began to laugh through her tears also at how backwards the situation was. I told her to go back to the jail and just make a payment plan. I would make the first payment for her and we would figure out the rest. She returned and they called me and I put it on my debit card. She did pay off that ticket according to her plan and never asked me for another dime for it.  What a precious memory of a preciously unique girl.

 She was becoming very responsible. She had such determination and drive. Her parenting teacher , Ms. Chapman, once told me she never worried about Alexis because Alexis had an amazing strength within her and she knew she would be okay even though she made some mistakes  along the way, she knew when it was all said and done that her determination and drive would set Alexis apart and it certainly did.  Her excerpts are below :))

The scripture below is fitting for Alexis life and her death. He was making a new life in her and that is being revealed through her writing and her memory. She was fighting the hard fight and now there has been a lavish celebration in Heaven and she won’t have anymore hard times, no more pain or tears. That brings me joy knowing she is at peace. I love how she wrote out in Big Letters  “LIVE HATE FREE” WOW !! She was such a precious gift !!

2 Corinthians 4 (The Message)

^16-18So we're not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There's far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can't see now will last forever.

  

A Heart Revealed- Excerpts from Alexis' Journal

Late Monday after the beautiful service for Alexis we all went home , we had laid our Alexis to rest. About 1 in the morning Sammy called me which scared me to death but as I answered he excitedly told me he had found a journal in her stuff. I could tell it gave him  peace and he began to read entries to me. I was struck by the fact that I didn't even know she kept a journal and by the depth of her wisdom, pain, and hope as he read them to me. Parts broke my heart because of her pain but others brought such peace because she had hope about her future and she had a relationship with God . She had an intimate , personal relationship with God. She was in the process of major changes and I am so grateful that I got to witness that and read her deepest thoughts. So I am going to share some of her writings.

First of all I want to be very honest about Alexis. When people die we tend to elevate them to saint hood and put them on a pedastal and that is not right. My father did that when my sister died and it was a disservice to everyone so I want to remember Alexis in truth and light because that is how God wants it. Revealing her struggles and failures will help as many as remembering her strengths and victories and she had many of both. ( When I finally got real about my life is when people could really relate to me ) When we are open and transparent we create a place where people can meet in vulnerabiltiy and tear down the walls they have erected to protect themselves, to shield their broken hearts. Alexis was no different and had many walls erected.

About a year ago Alexis got a DWI . She had gone to a party, drank, and drove home. This DWI resulted in her losing her job and being put on probation. The consequences were tough and very expensive. Her license was suspended and there were a lot of fines. This was her bed and she had to figure out a way to make it. I was not going to enable her in anyway and I knew that she would either sink or soar. I prayed for God to soften her heart and when the rubber hit the road our Alexis Rose began to soar with wings like eagles.

After a few months she got her driver's license back and things began to improve. She began to change from the inside out. She took a class at Collin College in the fall and took wonderful care of Riley. What she needed most was a job though and God blessed her with a wonderful opportunity. A couple of years ago I had shared my testimony at a Sunday School class at First Baptist Church in Allen and meet a man named  Steve Wade , we became friends. One day I posted something about Alexis, I was so proud of how hard she was trying. It was so difficult because we as a family struggle financially but we could see how hard she was trying to change. After my post he contacted me and said he may have an opportunity for Alexis . This was a blessing from God.  If she got the job she would be working in a positive  environment  with Christians speaking into her life. God had placed Alexis on Steve's heart and he want to speak life building words to her. This opportunity gave Alexis much hope and she just had to be patient until there was a job opening and then go on an interview. This would all take place early in January.....She wrote her first blog on Dec.29, 2011 . The first two journals are below. She checked off her goals as they were completed. Please note the ones she checked. Praise the Lord for this blessing. He is good all the time !!!

Alexis Rose Washington ( June 7,2012) The day that seemed to never end.

We headed down Parker Road and were in Wylie before I knew it. After passing the Sonic  I glanced over at the old trailer we lived in when I first got out of prison. It seemed a lifetime ago and tears formed in my eyes as I thought  of those words because it was true  Alexis’ lifetime was over. A funny memory surfaced  of Alexis getting off the school bus one afternoon . As she ran to our trailer she looked back at her friends on the bus to wave and ran into a pole falling down.  She was so embarrassed but she was laughing at herself also. She was blessed with the gift of laughing at herself. I focused my attention on the winding road still confused about where she died but as we passed McMillan Rd Jill pointed and said it was there. We pulled off on the road by the cabinet shop and parked. I think I got out and walked around.  The orange paint in the grass and the tire tracks marked the scene. There was something plastic that was  pink and blue , it was in shattered pieces. I tried  to pick them up and figure out what they were but there was just too many , all I knew is it was a toy of Riley’s . I swallowed hard feeling thankful that Riley was safe at Jenn’s . I didn’t even want to imagine what would have happened if she would have been in the car.

 We left for Jill’s house  and met everyone there. We hadn’t been there five minutes when the home team I used to attend began to arrive with food and drinks . We learned her friends had organized a candle light vigil at New Hope which was so very sweet. Mel called me and said she would be there as soon as possible and would bring me some clothes. I was in a dress and high heels. I honestly don’t know if I will ever wear that dress again. I washed it yesterday and it brought upon a wave of sadness. It was the dress I was wearing in the photo where I am standing in the blue office and you can see my reflection in the picture of the boats being tossed by the storm. It was the dress I wore last year to celebrate the birth of my dear friend Melanie. There have been so many storms in my life, this being by far the worst but I kept reminding myself  I was standing on the other side of that storm with a smile of victory on my face. Maybe God gave me insight into that photo knowing I would think of it today and knowing I would be wearing that dress. He knows every detail of our intricate lives.  Nothing happens by chance and nothing happens that he does not allow.

We got down to business and started making the arrangements for Alexis. Honestly the only option we had was cremation because of cost but that was okay. Of course I didn’t know her wishes like I knew my dad’s because I never imagined losing my child. Kerri and Dan Jensen were walking us through this process. They had a public viewing for their son Alex before cremation and we thought about that but the difference in cost was about 3000 so we decided upon a basic cremation with a family viewing. Thankfully Jill called and made all those arrangements. Not long after that I got a call that Alexis had registered to be a donor and there was a list of questions to answer. She couldn’t donate organs because they didn’t use a ventilator ( I think) but she could donate tissue. It made me cry that she had registered .  What a thoughtful , thoughtful young girl.  The questions took about 30 minutes and some of the questions were crazy . ( if she had been transplanted with animal parts or being around others who had . They asked if she had had diseases that I had never heard of. It was a long and exhausting conversation and I almost lost my cool. I understand it was important just so very hard to answer at that time.)

At some point I did a  post on facebook because the news was traveling fast and I had received some condolences so I knew it would be best to announce the death of my daughter.  Immediately after  posting the news the encouragement started pouring in. It was so comforting to read everyone’s concern. Mel called all our close friends and I called my neice , nephews, and my brother in law Carl.

Warner, Sammy, Hailey, Riley, and I went back to the site. This was tough as we walked around where she took her last breath. I am a crier but I don’t think I have ever cried tears that came from so deep within. It is hard  to explain but these tears came from the depth of my spirit and soul. This is a grief I have never known and I am so familiar with grief.  Sammy picked up something that we knew was part of her car, we think the door handle to I grabbed it and it is in my purse. Every now and then I pull it out and hold it in my hand rubbing it, it is somewhat comforting as  my fingers fit perfectley around it. That may sound morbid but it gives me comfort.

 Riley looked at the pink and blue pieces of plastic and told us that was from her bucket that they would take to the lake. Sadly she said she used it to make sand castles. As she said that I thought of the photos Alexis had posted recently of Riley swimming at the lake and the sand castles they made. A wave a grief washed over me again. The range of emotions were overwhelming.

At moments I would yell at God asking him "WHY?", I felt it wasn't fair I had lost so much already, I was trying to serve HIM and share HIS love and grace with a hurting world. I was trying to be so obedient and I thought it JUST wasn't fair but then a peace would wash over me calming me down and I would remember HIS word and recite it over and over. Specifically Proverbs 3 :5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart lean not on your own understanding . I could almost physically feel HIS embrace and I could rest in his peace, at least for a moment.

We headed back to Jills and around 6:30 or so Mel, Lisa, and Delaine arrived. They brought me Starbucks and some turkey and cheese. I smiled that my friends knew me so well and I felt so very loved , I love to eat meat.  They came in and hung out until we left for the candle light vigil. We all got in our cars and headed to New Hope.