Addiction- A snowball effect

As I said previously between May 26,2002 and July 18.2002 my life was spiraling out of control, the chain of events that happened had a snowball effect and I was lucky to make it through. Well of course I know it wasn't luck, it was God's sovereighnty.  During my year of sobriety from April 24.2001 to probably the middle of May 2002 I had gotten my life together basically. I had lost weight  ( remember I was probably the only fat meth addict ever ) and I felt really healthy. The problem was I was only healthy  on the outside, and still not healed on the inside. It was as if I put a bandaid on my wound (the addiction) instead of trying to get to the source of the bleeding ( the root of my problems) which ran very deep. I attended a lot of AA meetings throughout the year and I loved the program although I didn't work it to the full extent because I wasn't ready to go there yet. I was scared about what I would find if I dug too deep.

I put a bandaid on my addiction and a smile on my face believing that if I was sober nothing  bad would ever happen again.  I was setting myself up for a huge let down with those unrealistic expectations and I should have known because I had done this repeatedly in my life. (When Kathey got sick and we knew it was terminal I refused to believe she would actually die. In my thwarted way of thinking there was a scoreboard in my head and I thought "I have already lost a brother and mother tragically, God will not take Kathey. It isn't fair !!  I have many friends who have lost no one, He won't take Kathey.  The score is 2 - O when comparing myself with many people I knew !!!"  As the reality set in and Kathey's life dwindled away I  was hurt even worse because of my expectations and beliefs.  My drug use increased because I was hurt worse because of this let down but I was let down because of my thinking.  As I quoted before " You don't think your way into a new kind of living, you live your way into a new kind of thinking " My thinking has caused me so many problems which has made the real problems worse.

After over a year sober it was just a matter of time until I would relapse because I didn't change my way of  thinking. My thinking was very simplistic and child like " If I am clean and sober I will have the perfect life " The first time imperfection set in I was hugely let down. The abuse by my father , the loss of my teaching certificate , and the ramificactions of being a felon were a slap in my face because I had this idea that all would be perfect and of course nothing is ever perfect and I didn't have God.

The relapse came after I was fired as a substitute teacher because of my felony drug charges, I was shocked and dismayed by what I perceived as a personal rejection. My father's abuse became more frequent after my firing and I felt defeated. I disregarded everything I learned in reahab and went to see my drug dealer "friend" promising myself I wouldn't use, that I just wanted to see how he was. I wasn't there 5 minutes before I was using. Then the snowball gathered speed.

Yesterday I share about June 24 and today I am going to share about May 26,2002. It was another incident on I-20 in Lindale Texas. Not sure whats up with heading west on I-20 from Kilgore, Texas but these events have had a lasting effect and what is so strange is that I kind of forgot about them until recently.  God has brought them to the surface of my mind for some reason and as I process the events in my life I receive more clarity when I write about it so let's go back to May 26, 2002. Sorry I am not a chronological kind of girl but this event was just a few weeks before the simultaneous accidents on June 24. Things were crazy in this time period absolutely nuts !!!

It was Sunday May 26, 2002, the day before Memorial Day ( of course ). I was back to using daily . I had gone to Kilgore to see a friend from rehab who I had relapsed with ( he is now serving 12 years because he couldn't stay clean, just a bunch of small possession charges, I just wrote him a letter and went to visit him at Dawson trying to encourage him)

Anyway I left to drive back to Rockwall . I needed gas but put it off and ran out in Lindale off of I-20 and  saw no station in sight so I began to walk ( I have been clean almost 10 years and in that time I haven't run out of gas once , literally or figuratively :)) while on drugs I ran out all the time literally and figuratively . I even fell asleep at my desk in class and my students woke me up and asked if it was nap time!!!)))) 

After I had been walking awhile a man in an 18 wheeler pulled over . Excited about help I approached the truck but when he opened the door my heart skipped a beat and I was scared . He was rough looking and said get in, even in my altered state my gut told me I was in trouble. Looking around skittishly I didn't know what to do. Impatiently he said get in again and at that moment a DPS officer pulled up and asked if there was a problem. Not sure what to do because I had drugs on me but I was very scared of the man  in the truck so I told the trooper I ran out of gas and went with him. I was so nervous after getting gas he asked if he could search my car because I was acting suspicious. I predicted that would happen so I had the drugs on me and was able to dispose of them but I didn't get rid of my pipe and some basically empty baggies. He issued me a paraphernalia ticket. I left shaking but  when I got back to Rockwall I went and got more drugs .

God saved me that day and tried to warn me with that ticket to get back on the right path but I chose the path of self destruction . Not sure what would have happened if I got in that truck with that man but the red flags were flying frantically and I chose to go with an officer while on probation for manufacturing meth, high, and with drugs on me so I was extremely  scared . That decision may have very well saved my life. It would be the next week on June 5 that I would get pulled over and get the  possession charge that revoked my probation that ultimately sent me to prison. Thank God I went to prison, I really mean that. I think prison scared me straight keeping me clean just long enough for God to get through to me .After I opened the eyes of my heart to the Lord , he began the intense healing that I so desparately needed and that continues today.

God certainly works in mysterious ways and I'm thankful knowing  he intervened that day.  And what seemed  bad ( getting a ticket) was actually a blessing in disguise as prison was. It was all part of His plan.  Another part of my journey visiting places where I was in bondage and defeat now standing in the victory and freedom that only he provides:)

Comments

[Toni Jett Niles]

Wow an amazing entry..