Alexis and Riley

Each test came out as positive as the one before and the realization sunk in that I had a pregnant 15 year old daughter.  Selfish thoughts immediately began to bombard my mind: “what will people think of me? I’ve been to prison, am a recovering drug addict, and now I have a pregnant 15 year old” to the worst one of all “we can get an abortion, pretend it never happened, and no one will ever know.”  That thought stopped me in my tracks because it was the way I had learned to deal with everything from the time I was ten years old and my brother committed suicide. 

It was a thought pattern ingrained so deeply I had to be intentional to change it. My whole life I had dealt with things by locking them away and pretending they didn't happen, and we know where that got me. So I captured those evil thoughts and brought them into obedience declaring that is not who I am anymore! I don’t hide in fear from the truth, I face the truth head on.

Thankfully I found out Alexis was pregnant on a Wednesday afternoon and I had hometeam that night. I had begun leading a hometeam at New Hope and many of us were in recovery. That night after a time of praise and worship I looked at this group of about 15-20 people and said I had something to say. Tearing up I confessed that I just learned my 15 year old daughter was pregnant. 

As with every trial before that I confessed to my church family I was surrounded with love and support. Amazingly I was told of different people at my church who had the same experience and chose different options: one kept the baby and another put her baby up for adoption. The couple I reached out to for advice were respected leaders in our church and had experienced this years before. The shame that the enemy was trying to trap me in immediately left and I had hope, I didn’t feel alone. Again what the enemy mean for evil God brought good from.

Alexis made the choice to keep her baby and we said we would support her decision. (I cannot imagine life without Riley now, I just can't, I love her with all my heart and she has brought such joy to our family) My oldest daughter Hailey was so scared that the kids at school would be mean to Alexis, making fun of her. I don't know if that happened or not. Alexis is a pretty tough girl so she never mentioned it.

What I remember the most is how she took care of herself being sure to eat healthy food, putting ear phones on her stomach and playing Beethoven, and sewing blankets, dolls, and pillows for her unborn baby. Her care didn't stop when Riley was born on June 25, 2008. She chose to nurse Riley because she had learned that was best for her baby. I thought she might stop when she started her junior year in the fall but NO , Alexis took a pump to school and would go to the nurses office throughout the day so she could continue to nurse Riley. She did that until January.

I am still amazed by that :) I remember her saying that she wished the bag for the pump was more stylish:) I told her I didn't think they would design breast pumps for teenagers :) I don't want to sugarcoat anything because it has been extremely hard and there have been many ups and downs for Alexis. But she has strength and I know she will be okay. When I am scared for her I always think of dropping her off at school (her DL was put on hold for awhile)  her junior year and her jumping out of the car with a backpack on one arm and the breast pump on the other, running into the building or taking her to youth group at church when Riley was an infant and Alexis dropping her off in the nursery while she went to youth. Deep down in my heart I know Alexis will make it. She has such strength and I am not sure where it comes from but I am so thankful she has it.

Today Alexis is working at a church in Allen and building a life for her and Riley. She has made some poor choices along the way but has taken the initiative to accept the consequences and deal with them. God has a great plan for Alexis, I don’t know what it is but I know it is full of hope and promise.

At Christmas this year as we were eating dinner Riley broke out into a song she made up. The words were basically "It's a lovely day , It's a Shine"  Each time I watch this video I see the light within her. As I look at her sweet innocence her words "It's a Shine" bring a light and smile to my face :))  It inspires me to shine for Jesus. Let's all go out and shine today :)) God is so good and will bring good out of everything .

Even if you are in the midst of despair and trials  there is hope, just look for his LIGHT and many times we find that HEALING light in others.

Jeremiah 29:11

New International Version (NIV)

11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

My Rosebud

Alexis and her baby girl Riley !! 2010 Wylie High School Graduate !!

A few days ago I shared about my Hailey and today  I want to share about my Alexis  Rose. When I named Hailey I really wanted to name her Bailey but Warner argued with me about that being a name, he said it was an Irish whiskey and cream based liqueur and not a name for a girl. In hindsight it was probably best I gave in on this one with the history of addiction and alcoholism in our families we needed to steer clear of names referring to alcohol and especially names referring to meth like Crystal : )))  ( I love the name Crystal : ) I am really just trying to be funny:)

When I got pregnant with Alexis I knew I wanted to name her something with Alex in it. My mother’s maiden name was Alexander and I wanted to use that somehow and my mother’s name was Rosemary so I knew I wanted to use Rose. We decided on Alexis Rose because I thought Alexandria Rose Washington was just toooo much. My plans were to call her Alex.  I loved Alex for a girl and when she was born she was our little Rosebud.

Alexis was a little spit fire of a baby and very beautiful. She was born on Feb. 29, 1992 and we knew she would be special. Everything surrounding her birth was special. My husband had left on Friday night Feb.28 1992  to go pick up Chinese Food and while he was gone my water broke. In a panic I called my sister but there was no answer and I called all my teacher friends to try to find someone to watch Hailey. No one was at home that Friday night.  Scared because I was alone I called the Chinese restaurant and asked them to find my husband and let me speak to him. Minutes later he was on the line and said he would come home . Crying I told him I didn’t know what to do because Kathey wasn’t home. He said we would figure it out. I started packing a bag for me and Hailey and waited for Warner. Later I saw his headlights pull into our driveway and I was shocked to see Kathey sitting with him in the truck and Carl my brother in law in the car behind. As Warner was leaving the restaurant he looked over and saw my sister eating there !! This was the first time Kathey and Carl had ever eaten at that restaurant !  Now Amarillo is not big city like Dallas but it is still quite large.I believe that was a God thing. I needed Kathey, she was my rock and anchor. Just her presence was calming and I felt peace in my heart when she was near. Warner then took me to the hospital and Kathey took Hailey to Panhandle. Alexis was born hours later.

 People would comment on what a beautiful baby she was and she was full of energy. Where Hailey had been laid back  Alexis was anything but. By nine months she was figuring ways to climb out of the crib. She would hold the side and bounce as high as possible. The only way I can describe it , is she did some sort of vault to get out. I put cushions by the crib because I was so scared she would get hurt. You had to always keep your eyes on Alex.

Alexis hadn’t even turned a year old and I was due with my Sammy. I will never forget on Sammy’s due date which was Feb 8 I called the pediatrician for some more cough medicine for Alexis because the cough she had wouldn’t go away. As I was talking to the nurse she could hear Alex in the background and told me I needed to bring her in. Sighing deeply but not really alarmed I left with Hailey and Alex in tow for the doctor. After arriving at the office we were taken straight back to an examination room as the other waiting patients looked at us angrily. By this point I was a little nervous wondering why we were receiving the VIP treatment. The doctor rushed in and examined Alexis and asked me how long she had been that way. Alexis was smiling and laughing between coughs so I said I didn’t know, I just knew the cough wasn’t’ getting better. The doctor administered a breathing treatment on the spot and called the hospital.  I was instructed to take her there ASAP,  that the situation was critical. Still in shock because Alexis was laughing I gathered up our things and headed to the hospital. At that point I broke down: It was so scary that my baby was critically ill and I didn’t even have a clue, what if I wouldn’t have called the doctor, thoughts like that bombarded my mind, I was due with my third baby and was huge ( in my classroom we would put down tape inside my door and see how far I could stand in my room and my stomach be out the door, it was amazing how far I could be in the room. When my OB would take the tape measure  to measure my stomach in weeks the last visit showed 54 weeks. I WAS HUGE!!!!  I had people tell me I was the biggest pregnant person they ever saw, my stomach stuck straight out. It is hard to describe : )), and I was alone trying to keep up with a four year old and an 11 month old that was deathly ill but felt great wanting to go all over the place. As we walked into the hospital everyone tried to lead me to maternity and I was crying so hard I couldn’t talk. I think Hailey finally told them Alexis was sick.

After getting a hold of Kathey ( my rock ) I felt better , she came to see me and took Hailey home with her. Warner then came when he got off work. Alexis was very sick and spent 4 days in the hospital. I stayed with her during the day and my husband did at night so I could sleep because I could go into labor any minute.  They said it was asthma and they gave her many breathing treatments but she has never suffered another attack. My friend Linda , who I taught school with, said Alexis was just not going to let anyone steal her thunder : )) She knew a new baby was coming and she was going to make sure she got our attention. I think Linda was right.

As Alexis grew she was so very creative. The things she would come up with amazed me. She was and is extremely loyal and loves deeply. She will fight for the rights of anyone she believes is being mis treated. She has no fear !!! She and Sammy were so close in age  ( 11 months apart) they have a deep bond and can relate to each other on levels the rest of us can’t. She could be awfully mean to Sammy too but if anyone else was mean to him when they were very little she would go after them. Of course Sammy grew and could take care of himself but for a short time Alexis was his defender when they were very small. 

School didn’t’ come as easy for Alexis and she was diagnosed with dyslexia but her IQ was VERY high so she could compensate. She was always just so strong willed and adventurous . I remember once Hailey and her friend were having a lemonade stand in Rockwall and they wouldn’t let Alexis participate. So Alexis decided to make her own stand. For some reason Warner  was cooking all these chicken drumsticks , he had bought like two family packages so there were 20 plus at least. Alexis snuck to the grill and took all the drumsticks. She then set up a table on the side of the road and had a drumstick sale. She was so cute holding up the drumsticks  shouting “drumsticks for sale” that her drumstick stand was hit and she made more than Hailey and her friend, now of course our dinner was gone but it was okay we still laugh at the memory.

Another time I remember we got home from Campbell, at this point all the kids were going to school with me and this probably happened during our drug use. We got home and I was locked out of the house. We went around to try every window but nothing was unlocked . I was about to cry when Hailey told me to look on the roof. Alexis who was probably 6 at the time had somehow climbed  up there. She proceeded to tell me she would go down the chimney that if it worked for Santa Claus it could work for her. Screaming I told her “NOOO” because I knew she would do it. She looked at me and pointed her hand out and said “It is a free world and I can do as I please “as dramatically as possible. The dramatics of the situation caused her to sway slightly and then she grabbed the chimney and got scared. Luckily a cable guy was working on a house nearby and brought his ladder and rescued Alexis.

Her heart  is always in the right place but sometimes we just need to channel that energy into more appropriate responses.

Another thing about Alexis is you could never use child psychology on her. We would all be at a store and I would be ready to leave and the kids wouldn’t. In frustration and impatience I would tell them “okay I’m leaving you can stay here “ and start walking out the door . Hailey and Sammy would come running saying don’t leave me Momma hugging me tightly. Alexis would roll her eyes and say “You’re not going to leave me. You might act like you are and you might even go outside but you wouldn’t leave me “ She ALWAYS called my bluff. There was no reverse psychology with her. God gave her a deep wisdom and discernment that I noticed at a very young age..

Alexis has never been a morning person either. The day she graduated from High School I thanked God genuinely that I would never have to get her up again J She is just most productive at night. I couldn’t keep up with her. During the week I would repeatedly tell her to get back in bed but she had so much energy she would get up and start a project. One night I remember I could hear the sound of  duct tape pulling and tearing. It was a continuous sound and I was very curious about what in the world she was up to but I was also VERY tired. I didn’t hear Sammy or Hailey arguing with her so I felt secure that she wasn’t using the duct tape to tape up her brother and sister so I just went to sleep. When I woke up the next morning Alexis was asleep on the couch and beside her on the floor was a pair of shoes and a purse she designed and made out of duct tape.  I picked them up and was just so impressed at her creativity and thinking process. Things would get a lot tougher for Alexis  as she got older.

 To be continued ……………………………………

Update on Saturday, June 9, 2012 at 01:31AM by Susan Washington

I wanted to share this again in the light of My Rosebud's death.  I wrote this blog as a gift to her and I just wanted to share it again.  Thank you for all your support . In Christ,  Susan

Update on Saturday, February 28, 2015 at 11:51AM by Susan Washington

With Alexis' 23rd birthday today I wanted to share this blog again. I wrote this just a few months before she died. So thankful I did that!!

Renewal Radio and a powerful memory

Yesterday was a lot of fun as I did the radio interview. The program is called Renewal Radio and it airs daily for 15 minutes Monday-Friday.  One guest is featured each week  and Dr. Getz unfolds their story on the air through an interview and then he applies Biblical Principles to Live By through the story. That was my understanding. I really don’t know how it will come together because there will be a lot of work that doesn’t include me. Dr. Getz had contacted me through the website after reading the article in the Dallas Morning News. He asked for a summary of my story and some video clips of me sharing which I sent to him. After going over my information he decided to do a program on God’s Redemption in my life. We then set the interview for Wed. Feb. 1 @ 3. Luckily I was able to have someone cover the model for a couple of hours.

As I stated yesterday I had a rough morning and was feeling out of sorts but by the time I arrived at the studio I was feeling better. It is amazing how prayer and soaking in the presence of the Lord can help plus a quick stop at Starbucks always puts a smile on my face : )

Thank goodness for Iphones and the GPS/maps they have because that guided me to my destination. As I pulled into the office parking lot which is part of Chase Oaks church I looked up the hill at the actual church and remembered my very first speaking engagement for a Seed Sowers banquet  back in March of 2010. The banquet was held in that building. Melanie had attended the banquet to support me (as always) and brought a flip camera and recorded that presentation which we uploaded onto Facebook the next day. That 15 minute video was the first time many of my facebook friends heard my story or what had happened, I was amazed at the outpouring of love and support from my childhood friends.

It was kind of hard for me but after a little thought  I told Melanie to just post it : ))  She texted me later that day because I was working and said “Susan, you’re not going to believe all the comments on the video” I was so very touched . Those were my thoughts as I stepped into the building and told the receptionist I was there to see Dr. Gene Getz.

Dr. Getz came to meet me and grabbed my hand warmly and showed me back to the radio studio. He was so very kind and told me he was amazed by my story. After settling in at the table with the mic and headphones Dr. Getz went to do a few things before we started and his producer came out to brief me on what would take place. Having never been on radio or in a radio station my only reference to pull from was Peri on Frasier. ( She was the producer of Frasier’s radio show )  David was the producer's name and he was so very nice too. He got me some water and I told him I was scared I was going to sound too Texan/Country but he said I would be fine and when I put on the headphones I would be able to hear myself. Taking a sip of water I relaxed a little and said a prayer for God to speak through me and for his message to shine.

Dr. Getz then returned and sat down and we began the interview. He knew my story well and had done his research so in a way he was telling my story and I was adding detail. I have never been in that position before where I heard my life through  someone else’s voice. As he talked about the suicides( David, my dad’s best friend, and my grandfather ), the alcoholism of my mom and dad, mother’s death, Kathey’s death, my addiction, prison, then the death of Sammy’s friend Alex I was in tears and my heart was broken. It is hard to explain the impact it had on me. I was just so sad for the little wounded girl within me and what she went through, it was almost like it was someone else.

It is so hard to describe the emotions I was feeling. But then we talked about my salvation and accepting Jesus Christ as my Savior and I began to smile through those tears because of what I have overcome through my relationship with Jesus Christ. I survived because of HIM. We ended the interview with the end of my father’s life and that amazing moment on Oct. 9, 2010 when I led him to the Lord and he himself accepted Jesus Christ as his Savior and then his death on Dec. 13, 2010.

 

Dr. Gene Getz and I after the interview. I also got an amazing Bible :)

Dr. Getz said I had such a tragic story and that he was amazed that I survived and was living in the freedom that Jesus provides. He said many would have laid it down or given up but I was now standing in victory. He then asked me if I ever thought about ending it all and I told him one time I came very close and I will share that moment because ironically enough I told this story to the students at Skyline the day before as well. I thought the program was over but when I finished sharing this part of my story Dr. Getz asked David if he got that (what I had just shared) on tape and he said yes. He said they would probably try and use it because it was so powerful. I will share it with you, I have shared it before but some of you may have not read it.

Let’s go back to April 24, 2001: I was all alone in a motel room off 635 and Ferguson, sitting on the edge of the bed. Crying with my head held between my hands contemplating what to do next. There were so many voices whispering in my ear telling me I was horrible, a murderer, a loser, and a failure. These criticizing voices were overwhelming and I thought it might be better for everyone if I was gone. I was just so scared and I missed Kathey so badly.

It had been a very long weekend and I was basically “on the run.” My kids were gone (thankfully CPS turned them over to my husband’s parents), my husband was locked up with no chance for bond, and I was too scared to call my Dad.  I was all alone in a motel room not knowing what to do. It was the most desperate and alone I think I have ever felt in my life.

I had been calling in sick to work and I knew I had to do something because I couldn’t continue doing nothing. Finally I mustered up the courage and called the GISD benefits office. To this day I can’t remember who I talked to but she was an angel sent from God. Crying, I told her I was a teacher in the district,  in a lot of trouble with the police , on drugs, and  I didn’t know what to do (as I type this I am crying so hard because I can still feel the pain, desperation, and fear I felt at that time). She told me, in the kindest gentlest voice, to calm down because that is what she was there for. She suggested I check into Baylor Richardson Hospital to be assessed, reminding me that I had insurance that I should access. She told me things were going to get better and asked that I please not do anything drastic. I think she was crying too because she was so scared for me and what I might do.  She then offered to call my principal and tell him what was happening. Relief flooded my body because she didn’t judge me, she didn’t think I was horrible, she just knew I was in trouble and needed help. I needed her and her reaction that day.

To be honest I don’t know what I would have done if she had been judgmental. I never thought I would consider suicide because I saw what my brother’s suicide did to my family but I was WITHOUT HOPE that day and I couldn’t see a way out.  I didn’t want people to see the real me and what I had become. I was covered in shame and did not feel I could face anyone. But she looked past all that and treated me with love and respect. I have thought about her often and her impact on my life that day, it was huge.

I have always hoped to treat everyone I come into contact with the way she treated me, I fail sometimes but the memory of the despair I felt that morning  is always close to my heart and when she treated me with love and acceptance it gave me hope. Isn’t it amazing how a little kindness and love changed a potentially tragic situation? It takes so little to be loving and kind. I took her advice and drove straight to Baylor Richardson.

I parked my Silver Toyota Camry and took a deep breath.  My car was a mess because I had basically been on the run, going from motel to motel. I had not been back to my home since the drug bust so throughout the weekend I had to buy clothes, personal hygiene products, etc. I had to buy everything because I had walked out of that school on April 19^thwith only my purse. So I sat in my car mustering up the courage to walk in to that hospital and say I was a drug addict, I had never admitted that before that day. As I looked through my car I picked up the plastic baggie that had the traces of Meth I had left and just stared at it. 

Thoughts began to bombard my mind: “do the rest of the drugs”, “go ride around and finish what you have then come back” to “throw the drugs away and check into that hospital”.  Again I took a deep breath and put the baggie into a paper sack I had from McDonalds and got out of my car. Slowly I walked to a trash can and looked at the bag one last time then shoved it into the trash, turning quickly I ran into the emergency room. Breaking down into tears I told the lady in the admissions that I was a drug addict and I needed help. I was admitted into the hospital and assessed. I was sent to the fourth floor which was for patients dealing with substance abuse issues as well as mental problems. I was so scared but I was also relieved, in a way I had finally surrendered.

I spent three days there. We participated in groups, attended AA meetings, and listened to speakers who came to share their stories, many of the patients on the floor had severe mental problems and for the first time in a long time I felt a little hope because my problems didn’t seem as severe as some of the people I met there.

I also shared this part of my story with the students at Skyline. As I walked the halls of the school there were many posters about Rachel's Challenge and I just believed this story of being kind and accepting would fit right in with Rachel's Challenge. I encouraged the students to treat everyone with kindness because you never know what someone else is going through. They may have smile on their face that is covering the pain in their heart or they may be acting out,  but sometimes we just never know what is going on in someone's life and as I said  "It takes so little to be loving and kind".  It is an attitude that we can all choose to have and you never know when you may change a potentially tragic situation by saying a kind word.

I know, it happened to me.