Alexis and Riley

Each test came out as positive as the one before and the realization sunk in that I had a pregnant 15 year old daughter.  Selfish thoughts immediately began to bombard my mind: “what will people think of me? I’ve been to prison, am a recovering drug addict, and now I have a pregnant 15 year old” to the worst one of all “we can get an abortion, pretend it never happened, and no one will ever know.”  That thought stopped me in my tracks because it was the way I had learned to deal with everything from the time I was ten years old and my brother committed suicide. 

It was a thought pattern ingrained so deeply I had to be intentional to change it. My whole life I had dealt with things by locking them away and pretending they didn't happen, and we know where that got me. So I captured those evil thoughts and brought them into obedience declaring that is not who I am anymore! I don’t hide in fear from the truth, I face the truth head on.

Thankfully I found out Alexis was pregnant on a Wednesday afternoon and I had hometeam that night. I had begun leading a hometeam at New Hope and many of us were in recovery. That night after a time of praise and worship I looked at this group of about 15-20 people and said I had something to say. Tearing up I confessed that I just learned my 15 year old daughter was pregnant. 

As with every trial before that I confessed to my church family I was surrounded with love and support. Amazingly I was told of different people at my church who had the same experience and chose different options: one kept the baby and another put her baby up for adoption. The couple I reached out to for advice were respected leaders in our church and had experienced this years before. The shame that the enemy was trying to trap me in immediately left and I had hope, I didn’t feel alone. Again what the enemy mean for evil God brought good from.

Alexis made the choice to keep her baby and we said we would support her decision. (I cannot imagine life without Riley now, I just can't, I love her with all my heart and she has brought such joy to our family) My oldest daughter Hailey was so scared that the kids at school would be mean to Alexis, making fun of her. I don't know if that happened or not. Alexis is a pretty tough girl so she never mentioned it.

What I remember the most is how she took care of herself being sure to eat healthy food, putting ear phones on her stomach and playing Beethoven, and sewing blankets, dolls, and pillows for her unborn baby. Her care didn't stop when Riley was born on June 25, 2008. She chose to nurse Riley because she had learned that was best for her baby. I thought she might stop when she started her junior year in the fall but NO , Alexis took a pump to school and would go to the nurses office throughout the day so she could continue to nurse Riley. She did that until January.

I am still amazed by that :) I remember her saying that she wished the bag for the pump was more stylish:) I told her I didn't think they would design breast pumps for teenagers :) I don't want to sugarcoat anything because it has been extremely hard and there have been many ups and downs for Alexis. But she has strength and I know she will be okay. When I am scared for her I always think of dropping her off at school (her DL was put on hold for awhile)  her junior year and her jumping out of the car with a backpack on one arm and the breast pump on the other, running into the building or taking her to youth group at church when Riley was an infant and Alexis dropping her off in the nursery while she went to youth. Deep down in my heart I know Alexis will make it. She has such strength and I am not sure where it comes from but I am so thankful she has it.

Today Alexis is working at a church in Allen and building a life for her and Riley. She has made some poor choices along the way but has taken the initiative to accept the consequences and deal with them. God has a great plan for Alexis, I don’t know what it is but I know it is full of hope and promise.

At Christmas this year as we were eating dinner Riley broke out into a song she made up. The words were basically "It's a lovely day , It's a Shine"  Each time I watch this video I see the light within her. As I look at her sweet innocence her words "It's a Shine" bring a light and smile to my face :))  It inspires me to shine for Jesus. Let's all go out and shine today :)) God is so good and will bring good out of everything .

Even if you are in the midst of despair and trials  there is hope, just look for his LIGHT and many times we find that HEALING light in others.

Jeremiah 29:11

New International Version (NIV)

11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

My Rosebud

Alexis and her baby girl Riley !! 2010 Wylie High School Graduate !!

A few days ago I shared about my Hailey and today  I want to share about my Alexis  Rose. When I named Hailey I really wanted to name her Bailey but Warner argued with me about that being a name, he said it was an Irish whiskey and cream based liqueur and not a name for a girl. In hindsight it was probably best I gave in on this one with the history of addiction and alcoholism in our families we needed to steer clear of names referring to alcohol and especially names referring to meth like Crystal : )))  ( I love the name Crystal : ) I am really just trying to be funny:)

When I got pregnant with Alexis I knew I wanted to name her something with Alex in it. My mother’s maiden name was Alexander and I wanted to use that somehow and my mother’s name was Rosemary so I knew I wanted to use Rose. We decided on Alexis Rose because I thought Alexandria Rose Washington was just toooo much. My plans were to call her Alex.  I loved Alex for a girl and when she was born she was our little Rosebud.

Alexis was a little spit fire of a baby and very beautiful. She was born on Feb. 29, 1992 and we knew she would be special. Everything surrounding her birth was special. My husband had left on Friday night Feb.28 1992  to go pick up Chinese Food and while he was gone my water broke. In a panic I called my sister but there was no answer and I called all my teacher friends to try to find someone to watch Hailey. No one was at home that Friday night.  Scared because I was alone I called the Chinese restaurant and asked them to find my husband and let me speak to him. Minutes later he was on the line and said he would come home . Crying I told him I didn’t know what to do because Kathey wasn’t home. He said we would figure it out. I started packing a bag for me and Hailey and waited for Warner. Later I saw his headlights pull into our driveway and I was shocked to see Kathey sitting with him in the truck and Carl my brother in law in the car behind. As Warner was leaving the restaurant he looked over and saw my sister eating there !! This was the first time Kathey and Carl had ever eaten at that restaurant !  Now Amarillo is not big city like Dallas but it is still quite large.I believe that was a God thing. I needed Kathey, she was my rock and anchor. Just her presence was calming and I felt peace in my heart when she was near. Warner then took me to the hospital and Kathey took Hailey to Panhandle. Alexis was born hours later.

 People would comment on what a beautiful baby she was and she was full of energy. Where Hailey had been laid back  Alexis was anything but. By nine months she was figuring ways to climb out of the crib. She would hold the side and bounce as high as possible. The only way I can describe it , is she did some sort of vault to get out. I put cushions by the crib because I was so scared she would get hurt. You had to always keep your eyes on Alex.

Alexis hadn’t even turned a year old and I was due with my Sammy. I will never forget on Sammy’s due date which was Feb 8 I called the pediatrician for some more cough medicine for Alexis because the cough she had wouldn’t go away. As I was talking to the nurse she could hear Alex in the background and told me I needed to bring her in. Sighing deeply but not really alarmed I left with Hailey and Alex in tow for the doctor. After arriving at the office we were taken straight back to an examination room as the other waiting patients looked at us angrily. By this point I was a little nervous wondering why we were receiving the VIP treatment. The doctor rushed in and examined Alexis and asked me how long she had been that way. Alexis was smiling and laughing between coughs so I said I didn’t know, I just knew the cough wasn’t’ getting better. The doctor administered a breathing treatment on the spot and called the hospital.  I was instructed to take her there ASAP,  that the situation was critical. Still in shock because Alexis was laughing I gathered up our things and headed to the hospital. At that point I broke down: It was so scary that my baby was critically ill and I didn’t even have a clue, what if I wouldn’t have called the doctor, thoughts like that bombarded my mind, I was due with my third baby and was huge ( in my classroom we would put down tape inside my door and see how far I could stand in my room and my stomach be out the door, it was amazing how far I could be in the room. When my OB would take the tape measure  to measure my stomach in weeks the last visit showed 54 weeks. I WAS HUGE!!!!  I had people tell me I was the biggest pregnant person they ever saw, my stomach stuck straight out. It is hard to describe : )), and I was alone trying to keep up with a four year old and an 11 month old that was deathly ill but felt great wanting to go all over the place. As we walked into the hospital everyone tried to lead me to maternity and I was crying so hard I couldn’t talk. I think Hailey finally told them Alexis was sick.

After getting a hold of Kathey ( my rock ) I felt better , she came to see me and took Hailey home with her. Warner then came when he got off work. Alexis was very sick and spent 4 days in the hospital. I stayed with her during the day and my husband did at night so I could sleep because I could go into labor any minute.  They said it was asthma and they gave her many breathing treatments but she has never suffered another attack. My friend Linda , who I taught school with, said Alexis was just not going to let anyone steal her thunder : )) She knew a new baby was coming and she was going to make sure she got our attention. I think Linda was right.

As Alexis grew she was so very creative. The things she would come up with amazed me. She was and is extremely loyal and loves deeply. She will fight for the rights of anyone she believes is being mis treated. She has no fear !!! She and Sammy were so close in age  ( 11 months apart) they have a deep bond and can relate to each other on levels the rest of us can’t. She could be awfully mean to Sammy too but if anyone else was mean to him when they were very little she would go after them. Of course Sammy grew and could take care of himself but for a short time Alexis was his defender when they were very small. 

School didn’t’ come as easy for Alexis and she was diagnosed with dyslexia but her IQ was VERY high so she could compensate. She was always just so strong willed and adventurous . I remember once Hailey and her friend were having a lemonade stand in Rockwall and they wouldn’t let Alexis participate. So Alexis decided to make her own stand. For some reason Warner  was cooking all these chicken drumsticks , he had bought like two family packages so there were 20 plus at least. Alexis snuck to the grill and took all the drumsticks. She then set up a table on the side of the road and had a drumstick sale. She was so cute holding up the drumsticks  shouting “drumsticks for sale” that her drumstick stand was hit and she made more than Hailey and her friend, now of course our dinner was gone but it was okay we still laugh at the memory.

Another time I remember we got home from Campbell, at this point all the kids were going to school with me and this probably happened during our drug use. We got home and I was locked out of the house. We went around to try every window but nothing was unlocked . I was about to cry when Hailey told me to look on the roof. Alexis who was probably 6 at the time had somehow climbed  up there. She proceeded to tell me she would go down the chimney that if it worked for Santa Claus it could work for her. Screaming I told her “NOOO” because I knew she would do it. She looked at me and pointed her hand out and said “It is a free world and I can do as I please “as dramatically as possible. The dramatics of the situation caused her to sway slightly and then she grabbed the chimney and got scared. Luckily a cable guy was working on a house nearby and brought his ladder and rescued Alexis.

Her heart  is always in the right place but sometimes we just need to channel that energy into more appropriate responses.

Another thing about Alexis is you could never use child psychology on her. We would all be at a store and I would be ready to leave and the kids wouldn’t. In frustration and impatience I would tell them “okay I’m leaving you can stay here “ and start walking out the door . Hailey and Sammy would come running saying don’t leave me Momma hugging me tightly. Alexis would roll her eyes and say “You’re not going to leave me. You might act like you are and you might even go outside but you wouldn’t leave me “ She ALWAYS called my bluff. There was no reverse psychology with her. God gave her a deep wisdom and discernment that I noticed at a very young age..

Alexis has never been a morning person either. The day she graduated from High School I thanked God genuinely that I would never have to get her up again J She is just most productive at night. I couldn’t keep up with her. During the week I would repeatedly tell her to get back in bed but she had so much energy she would get up and start a project. One night I remember I could hear the sound of  duct tape pulling and tearing. It was a continuous sound and I was very curious about what in the world she was up to but I was also VERY tired. I didn’t hear Sammy or Hailey arguing with her so I felt secure that she wasn’t using the duct tape to tape up her brother and sister so I just went to sleep. When I woke up the next morning Alexis was asleep on the couch and beside her on the floor was a pair of shoes and a purse she designed and made out of duct tape.  I picked them up and was just so impressed at her creativity and thinking process. Things would get a lot tougher for Alexis  as she got older.

 To be continued ……………………………………

Update on Saturday, June 9, 2012 at 01:31AM by Susan Washington

I wanted to share this again in the light of My Rosebud's death.  I wrote this blog as a gift to her and I just wanted to share it again.  Thank you for all your support . In Christ,  Susan

Update on Saturday, February 28, 2015 at 11:51AM by Susan Washington

With Alexis' 23rd birthday today I wanted to share this blog again. I wrote this just a few months before she died. So thankful I did that!!

A sweet e-mail and a sad healing memory

 There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away. (Revelation 21:4 NKJV)

I got the sweetest e-mail from a childhood friend’s mother yesterday.  Many of you know Todd Hall; this was from his mother Ione. She knew my mother well and she just sent me a note saying my mother was always so proud of me and even in her addiction that pride showed. It made me cry (I am crying now as I write this). It is so nice to hear that because that is all I ever wanted: for them to love me and be proud of me but they just couldn’t express it because of their pain. She also told me she was VERY proud of me and that touched me deeply.

One thing I always remembered about Ione was her helping me after mother died. Kathey had gone back to Panhandle and daddy to the lake. That left me alone in the house on Van Pelt. Friends had brought food and Ione helped me return the dishes. I didn’t know what to do because I just didn’t have any instruction in that area, thinking the masking tape on each dish with the name written on it was just to tell me who brought what. I was a little clueless.

She was so nice because it had been awhile since momma died and she stopped by to help me and taught me a basic etiquette. I felt ashamed and guilty that I had not returned the dishes but she was so nice when I felt so lost and alone.  Her e-mail made me think about momma and a time when I missed her terribly. It is a very sad memory but very significant to my journey. I think I may go visit momma and David today. Grove Hill is so very peaceful.  

First I will share my memory.  Let’s go back to late fall of 2000. My life was spiraling out of control and I was about to crash and burn. But God led me to my momma; I know he did because there is no other explanation. Grove Hill is HUGE and sadly I didn’t have a clue to where she was buried. Let’s go back...

Things were falling apart in the fall of 2000: I had let the insurance lapse on my car, my car was totaled with no means to replace it, we were evicted from the house we were living in because we weren’t paying the rent, and I was asked to leave the district where I had worked. Addiction changes people and their personalities so total dysfunction and chaos ruled my home.

A day that has always stood out in my mind was a morning that I was driving with my husband down I-30. He had gotten a possession charge a few months earlier and was serving 30 days in the Dallas County Jail. He was released during the day for work even though he wasn’t working. I had just picked him up from Decker (the work release detention facility).

We were fighting horribly,addiction had ruined our relationship.  He was mad because I had done a lot of our drugs the night before and the fight had turned physical. As we passed the Lawnview exit I decided to get out of the car because I was scared he would really hurt me, I just had to get out. As I opened the door my husband slowed down and began to pull over screaming at me to stop, not sure of what I was going to do. When he slowed down enough where I could get out I jumped out of the car and started running.

Tears were streaming down my face and I was just felt so very lost and alone. I ran into Grove Hill Cemetery and decided to look for my mother and brother’s site, I didn’t have a clue where they were buried but I needed to find them desperately. I needed my momma. I ran up and down rows looking for the DeFace name. Amazingly I found them and that was amazing because Grove Hill is huge! After finding the markers with their names I just threw myself down on my mother’s site crying my heart out.

Crying for the mother I missed so badly and never really knew in life. Crying for the girl I had been with hopes and dreams, for the little girl who had been so neglected, and for the sad addicted woman I had become. I knew my life was out of control but I didn’t have the tools or the strength to make the changes I needed to turn it around.

I will never forget that moment of sheer desperation and total helplessness. I know God led me to my mother giving me one more chance to reach out but I couldn’t. Maybe my selfish pride prevented me from admitting what I had become so I just stood up wearily brushing the grass off my clothes. I looked back and saw my husband parked watching me, he was crying too.

As I walked to the car he said that was the saddest thing he have ever seen, me running through the cemetery looking for my dead mother.  Not knowing how to respond I just got into the car and leaned back, exhausted from the experience.  Sadly we returned home to do more drugs.

Revisiting Skyline

Next Tuesday I am going to continue my journey revisiting places from my past. I am so very excited !!! At  11 I am going to meet Sandy Wilson, president of the Skyline Alumni Association,  and we are going to go have lunch at Pizza Getti then go to SKYLINE!!  The Skyline newspaper is going to interview me and take photos. I don’t think I have walked the halls of Skyline since May of 1979. So many memories are flooding my mind. Most of the places I have revisited recently are places where I lived in defeat and bondage:  NTTC, Van Pelt, My Rockwall Probation Officers office, etc.

But Skyline was my saving grace at the time since I didn’t recognize Jesus, I think he gave me Skyline. At Skyline I felt popular, accepted, and loved. I know it seems silly but cheerleading was so important to me, it just made me feel that I was maybe okay. At home there was so much neglect and I felt as if I didn’t matter to anyone. My  self -worth was declining as my mother’s alcoholism deteriorated so because I was head cheerleader it made me think that maybe there was some worth. As I said I know it seems silly but that kept me on the right track for a long time, the recognition and acceptance I received at Skyline. I am thankful God blessed me with that.

 So I am super excited to return this place which was an integral part of my history. I am literally doing cheers right now and thinking back…….. .  I can picture myself running down the aisle of the auditorium doing aerials as the band played the fight song  “ Hit the team across the field ……………” then getting up on stage for the pep rally which we always ended with” V-I-C-T-O-R-Y  , victory , victory is our cry”.   That victory cheer has so much more meaning than I ever thought it would because I am living in the VICTORY that Jesus Christ has provided which is available to everyone. I want to share that hope and victory with everyone I can.  I will take you on this journey with me, stayed tuned. I appreciate all you so much:)

Hilltop and Scrabble: Memories from a decade later! I can't believe it has been 10 years.

It has been 10 years since I pulled chained from Dawson State Jail in Dallas to go to TDCJ at the Hilltop Unit in Gatesville. I can’t believe it!!! Sometimes when I think back to my time in prison it is almost like I am thinking of another person and in a way that is true because I am a new creation in Christ. Old things have passed away and all things have become new! (2 Corinthians 5:17)  This was one of the scariest moves of all because we were going to our unit, would get a job, and probably be at this location for awhile. Before this we had been with people who just got to prison, we had all arrived at about the same time from our different counties. I didn’t have a clue what to expect all I know is I was terrified.

We arrived at Hilltop in the morning and were assigned our jobs and dorms. Thankful that I got to be a librarian instead of the dreaded hoe squad I went to the chow hall to eat lunch. It was there we were separated from our group and I started walking to my dorm by myself carrying my commissary bag, the sheets that felt as if they were made of sand paper, the rough wool blanket, the whites which were the clothes we wore daily, black slip on shoes with no support, and the green coat that had been issued to me. The only thing I knew about my dorm was it was called the Big Timer dorm, I didn’t have a clue what that meant, honestly there was a popular rap band at the time called Big Tymer’s and I thought it might be a group of inmates who enjoyed rap music : )

Once I stepped into the dorm the officer pointed to my bunk which was right by the guard station. This was a different set up than what I had experienced before. At both Woodman and Dawson we were in huge barn like dorms with rows of bunk beds and you had one little space to keep your commissary. At Hilltop we had cubicles that were L shaped, the wall was only waist high but it was like we had our own little room and some privacy from the other 50 or so inmates in the dorm. I was just so excited to have a little space of my own. After unpacking I decided to walk around the dorm and introduce myself to people. I didn’t want friends but I didn’t’ want to appear unfriendly either.  Looking across the dorm at the different women I wondered what they had done, how long they had been locked up, and how long their sentences were.

The majority of women I had been with since I arrived were drug offenders. One girl had been convicted of intoxication manslaughter but most had been convicted of various drug offenses. I was looking around and said hi to the girl who was in the cubicle next to me and she said hi back but wasn’t very talkative. She was a small, older lady and the only thing that was distinctive about her were the tear drops tattooed on her face as if they were coming out of her eye. There were three tear drops. My thoughts were that she had been in a gang and the tear drops represented people she had killed but I wasn’t sure why I thought that : if that came from some movie I watched or when I had training on gangs when I taught school in Amarillo. All I knew is I wasn’t going to ask her a question about the tear drops.

Scanning the dorm I looked at one woman who seemed to be pleasant, I based this assumption by the look on her face. Walking over I introduced myself by saying “My name is Susan and I am a drug offender doing a two year sentence” She looked me up and down with disgust and hissed that she was in for killing her kids. Shocked by her admission I just turned and started walking back to my bunk. As I was going down the row a woman who was quite intimidating motioned for me to come over to her. Looking around to make sure she wasn’t talking to someone else I walked over because I was scared not to. In a firm voice she said “This isn’t summer camp and you need to quit walking around trying to make friends telling these women about your little sentence. This is called the big timer dorm because most everyone in here is doing big time without the possibility of parole or it will be at least 40 years until they have a chance.” I was dumbfounded and just stared at her then she started pointing to people.

The first girl she pointed to was looking around frantically, her hair was wild and out of control and I could see mental illness in her eyes as they darted around looking at the other inmates fervently. My new prison mentor said “That girl decapitated her parents and tried to sew the heads on the other body, she was just released from the mental ward unit” My first thought was who in their right mind determined she was sane because as we were talking she started crawling around on the floor. Swallowing hard I looked to where the inmate pointed next bracing myself for what was to come.

She pointed to another girl with short spiky hair and as I looked at her eyes I saw evil, there was no other way to describe it. She just looked hard and evil “That girl micro waved her baby and tried to feed it to her husband" I just shut my eyes, shocked by what I was hearing and leaned back against the concrete post we were standing by.

Lastly she pointed to another girl; this girl appeared to be educated by the array of books stacked in her cubicle. She had make up on and her hair pulled back in a pony tail with her bangs styled and seemed to be the most stylish of the inmates in the dorm. My mentor said “that girl was a teacher in Richardson and killed her two boys the day after Christmas because she lost them in a custody battle.  If you were in the Dallas area you may have seen this on the news as it was a high profile case”

Shocked and overwhelmed I went to sit on my bunk and tried to think what to do. I was in a murderers’ dorm and I was sure they had made a huge mistake. Quickly I went up to the guard and told him that I thought there had been a mix up because I was a VERY VERY NON VIOLENT drug offender (With a lot of emphasis on the many verys and non violent). He looked me in the eye and said there was no mistake and that I need to go to my bunk. I walked the two feet to my bed and sat down. For the first time very thankful that I would be sleeping right by the guards.

As time went on I got used to living in the murderers’ dorm. My bunk mate with the tear drops was doing a 40 year drug sentence, that is what she said at least and I just accepted it. I never asked her what the tear drops were for. I spent most of my time on my bed reading but that would get very old so one day I went to the sitting room which consisted of 5 metal tables with metal chairs that were all welded to the ground. They couldn’t be moved because they could be used as weapons if there was a fight.

The inmates could watch TV or play board games in the sitting room. The favorite game to play was Scrabble and the women played it all the time. This day I decided to join in a game or at least observe. Approaching one table I watched as one of the women (she had murdered her husband because he pissed her off ) was laying out her tiles on the board.  As I looked at the “word” she played I decided to help with the game. As a former teacher I prided myself in my vocabulary skills and ability to spell which are huge assets for game of Scrabble. Looking at the “word” on the board I politely said “what you played is really not a word” thinking they would appreciate my knowledge and help. The murderer looked up sharply and started to stand as she said, well really screamed , “IT IS A WORD”. I slowly put both hands up and said “oh yeah, it is a word, I was mistaken” The murderer smiled smugly and sat back down and the game went on with a variety of “words”. Scrabble was a free for all!!!

Later I would come to refer to this game as Spelon with Felons, purposely misspelling the word because it was fitting for how Scrabble was played in prison but I guess not surprising when you think about it. Some of the inmates referred to me as "Schoolteacher" and at times they would ask me to come settle a dispute but I would always decline because I learned if a scary murderer says a word is a word it is !!! At least it was in prison.

The Hoe Squad and Big Timers from Susan DeFace Washington on Vimeo.