Before Tattoo on Body, Tattoo on Mind

Dr. Norman Vincent Peale relates this story from his book, Power of the Plus Factor:

 ”Once walking through the twisted little streets of Kowloon in Hong Kong, I came upon a tattoo studio. In the window were displayed samples of the tattoos available."

"On the chest or arms you could have tattooed an anchor or flag or mermaid or whatever. But what struck me with force were three words that could be tattooed on one’s flesh, 'Born to Lose'."

“I entered the shop in astonishment and, pointing to those words, asked the Chinese tattoo artist, “Does anyone really have that terrible phrase, Born to Lose, tattooed on his body?”

He replied, “Yes, sometimes.”

“But,” I said, “I just can’t believe that anyone in his right mind would do that.”

“The Chinese man simply tapped his forehead and in broken English said, ‘Before tattoo on body, tattoo on mind.’”

This story made such an impression on me because it is so true , our thoughts are so important. Every action and feeling is preceded by a thought. And our thoughts are determined by what we put into our mind, what we say to ourselves and can be affected by what others say to us if we let it.

I was talking with a friend about the importance of what we watch, what we listen to, and what we read, etc. Many people take great care into what they eat or drink so they will be physically healthy, the same should be done about what we allow to go into our mind. Some of what we put into our mind  we have complete control over , it is just a choice we must make. We choose what to watch, listen to, and to read. But when we are dealing with other people who speak into our lives it may be more difficult to control because we are dealing with people and it gets so very complicated ……………………

As I have shared before  I  went to live with my dad after I got out of rehab and  he would get very drunk and throw vodka on me and tell me he wished I would  have died instead of Kathey because Kathey would have never embarrassed him the way I did. He would say I had ruined my life and  look at me with such disgust.  He would tell me I was fat and ugly and that he couldn’t believe I had let myself go like I did. That memory still brings tears to my eyes. His words were tattooed on my mind and I believed them, I felt like such a loser and I just wanted to give up. This happened many times and I can picture it perfectly: My Dad and I sitting at his dining table in the kitchen nook with MASH playing on the TV (it was his favorite show) and out of the blue he would throw his drink on me and the verbal lashing would begin. I was weak and would just take it, I didn’t think I had a choice so I just sat there drenched in vodka and believed his words. You tend to believe what you hear over and over.

The same can be said about what we speak to other people. Do we use our words to build up or tear down? Like with our kids do we only focus on what they do wrong? I know I have been guilty of that and it breaks my heart because I know they will remember vividly when I have been critical of them because I remember the criticism I just shared.. I know my dad didn’t mean it , he lashed out in his pain and for some reason I was his target,  but the pain is still as real and it hurts as much today. It doesn’t take away the pain that the words were said in anger and drunkenness, the words were still said.

Our words are so powerful. My last words to my mother were “get  the  #$@*  out of my room, I wish you were dead , I hate you !!!!“ I didn’t mean it, I was just so angry and I could see the hurt on her face but at the time I didn’t care. And then she died. I never got to say I was sorry. I have forgiven myself and because of that experience I try to be very careful with my words because sometimes you don’t have a chance to take them back or apologize.

What is sad even with those two tragic experiences with my mom and dad , I have still at times used words to tear my kids down or no words at all. I have said awful, mean things to my kids in anger. And sometimes I have noticed something positive my kids have done  and didn’t speak to it at all.

I am going to change that.  My goal today and for the New Year is to use my words to build  up my kids as well as others.  I am really good at building others up but I can be so hard on my kids and I love them the most. Isn’t that the most ironic thing……that the ones we love the most we can treat the worst. I am going to work on that and look for the potential in my kids because there is so much and speak to that !!!

Here I am Send Me

Isaiah 6 :8 Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, “Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?” And I said, “Here am I. Send me! It has been a powerful week for me with so many blessings but it is also somewhat bittersweet. I miss my family. It is during the holidays that I feel the loneliest although I am surrounded by wonderful friends and my children. I think of Christmas’ past : memories of times with Kathey are the most prevalent in my mind.  Holidays are just hard for many of us as we miss those who have passed on but I CHOOSE to be joyful and so very THANKFUL for all that the Lord has done for me and for the birth of our Savior Jesus Christ. Thinking of that is overwhelming. My greatest desire is to be the hands and feet of Jesus and show others HIS love because of what he has done for me. There is always HOPE, ALWAYS!!!! And I want others to know that and experience the love of Jesus. The words of this song sung by Ollie Raper says it better than anything. Chorus: You're the only Jesus that some will ever see 
And you're the only words of life, some will ever read  So let them see in you the One in whom is all they'll ever need  'Cause you're the only Jesus, some will ever see  Verse: 
And if not you, I wonder who, will show them love, 
And love alone can make things new?  If not from you, how will they learn 
there’s one who'll trade their hopelessness and give joy in return? This takes me back to the blessing I received this week which was the greatest gift of all. Not too long ago I was contacted and asked to pray for someone who had relapsed on cocaine after 6 years clean. They had disappeared and been gone for a couple of weeks. My heart was broken for them and their family. I began praying immediately and asked for their phone number so I could try and contact them. That day I started calling and texting. I would send scriptures that the Lord had placed on my heart, encouragement, love, and support. Finally the person called me back in tears and desperation but not ready to surrender. I never QUIT texting and calling and I never changed my attitude. At times I thought I should be harsh maybe because it appeared what I was doing was not working but I just couldn’t . My attitude was I am here for you whenever you are ready: I love you and accept you just where you are. My hopes were dwindling for this situation because there had been no change. We would talk each day with a promise being made to call me back later but then I would hear nothing. But something within me, I am sure it was God working through me, would not let me give up.  Finally one Thursday as I was driving to work I was talking to my new friend, because we were friends now, and it was going in the same direction…………… Nowhere. So I finally said “let’s do it different today PLEASE tell me where you are so I can send someone to get you, You aren’t thinking clearly, let me think for you. I understand how you feel, I was there hopeless in a motel room not too long ago also. Please let me help you, you are worth it. After a long hesitation my new friend told me where they were and I immediately called someone to go get them, later that afternoon they checked into Methodist Richardson. I could led them there because I had just been there visiting another person struggling with addiction a few weeks earlier. I love God and I love that he used me, my heart was joyous over this but there was more to come ……….. On my birthday I rolled out my new website and as I shared earlier I can be emailed through the site. I got an email from my new friend’s adult son. I want to share parts of this letter. This is the Greatest Gift of All, to see the fruit of God in Action :)  Susan, I just wanted to say thank you from the bottom of my heart. I greatly appreciate you being there and never giving up on him through the month of November. He always mentioned you, your daily support and encouragement and how he knew you cared about him every time he would finally answer his cell phone after I would repeatedly text and call his phone every day for hours at a time. Thank you for STAYING by his side and letting him know there are people that won't give up on him and will remain by his side. I know he is so greatly appreciative as am I. Always remember that as you continue your journey of inspiration you not only will inspire others but will encourage them to "Pay it Forward" so they can have an everlasting effect on the lives of others and their loved ones!!! I wish you the best of luck in everything you do!!! This brings tears to my eyes and this is what it is all about. God will use us if we let him . As it says in Isaiah 6 :8 8 Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, “Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?” And I said, “Here am I. Send me! That is what I will continue to say. I have been more blessed by this experience than anyone and I am so thankful God used me :) And I could comfort my new friend because I had been through the same thing and had been comforted by God.
New Living Translation (©2007) He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.

Sometimes God Throws A Brick In Your Window

Isaiah 45 I am the LORD, and there is no other. 7 I form the light and create darkness, I bring prosperity and create disaster; I, the LORD, do all these things.Sometimes God has to send a brick through our windows for us to stop and listen to what He is telling us. In our comfort zones, we are often cynical and ignore Him and His Word sent through His servants. But when that comfort zone is rocked, we start looking for Him in panic. Like in everything else, we tend to get too comfortable with God’s ways and eventually allow complacency and compromise with sin to overtake us. That is when God throws a brick to jolt us back. If that [throwing a brick] is what it takes, God will let some not-so-pleasant things happen to you just to catch your attention and show His glory. But thanks be to God, when He finally has our attention, He is quick to mend the damage!I read this article this morning and it took me back to when God threw a very large brick in my window which I chose to ignore.During the fall and winter of 2000, we were “friends” with some people who were drug dealers and users that happened to cook meth. We would help them get the ingredients to make the drug and then they would give us a portion. Finding the ingredients could be quite a challenge.When we first met Tyler and his girlfriend, Loretta, it seemed everything was going great for them. They had a lot of money, cars, apartments in town and out of town, and a lot of drugs. To be honest, I thought they were nice people, they were just drug addicts like myself.The fall of 2000 was hard on them, getting busted twice for manufacturing but making bail both times. I was secretly pulling for them, hoping the lifestyle they were living could work out but as I saw them falling apart I refused to see the truth of the situation: their life was a mirror image of mine. I was just a few months, and a few charges, behind them. In hindsight, this was an incredible gift from God. He allowed me to witness their lives as they slowly self-destructed, hoping I would learn from it. At times I am so in awe of HIS grace and mercy for me, even when I was so disrespectful to HIM.Despite their run-ins with the law, I was hoping Tyler and Loretta could get it together. When they got busted the third time for manufacturing, I helped them when they got out of jail. I rented them a car and loaned them some money. Their days of money, cars, and even drugs were gone and they had lost everything. Each time they got busted, police confiscated a car, as well as all their cash.After borrowing money from me, they disappeared. I was desperate to find them and called all the time. I wanted my money or, at the very least, some meth! Finally, one day, I called Tyler’s phone and he answered. I yelled at him and he said he finally had something he could give me. Angry, and intent on being repaid, I drove to meet him at a motel on I-30 in Mesquite.Before I left my house, Tyler called and asked me to bring a pan - one that would withstand heat – for cooking meth.Pulling into the parking space at the motel, I paused and thought for a moment. I had an empty 12 pack of cokes in my car and for some reason; I decided to put the Pyrex pan in the 12 pack container. This was not typical behavior for me, as I wasn’t scared of being watched by the police. In my opinion the police needed to be looking for the real criminals! (Manufacturing and using a little meth was not that bad!! I was in such denial!) So I got out of my car, still very angry at Tyler and went and knocked on the door. When he answered my anger melted away, he was a wreck!! He had no money, no food, no cigarettes and he was not having any success at making the meth.My heart broke for him and I told him to let me run to the store and get him some food and cigarettes. Driving over to the Race Track on Buckner Blvd I just felt bad for him, he had lost everything. I bought the items from the store and drove back to the motel. Tyler and I started talking as he ate his sandwiches; the meth he was attempting to make was in the bathroom. He was talking about how he hoped he was successful this time so he could make some money because he had all these charges against him.At that time there was a loud knock on the door, banging to be exact. We paused and at that moment the door was broken down and DEA agents flooded the room. They were wearing protective gear and had high-powered guns. I am not a gun expert but they looked like automatic weapons to me. It was like a scene from a movie. They told us to lay on the ground on our stomachs and not move. I guess I wasn’t moving fast enough because a man came and threw me to the ground on my stomach with a gun to my head. I don’t think I have ever been that frightened. They searched the room and took us outside and separated us.This was the last straw for Tyler, it was his fourth manufacturing charge and although there was no meth manufactured yet, it was obvious what he was doing. They then came and questioned me. The lead officer asked me what I was doing there. He talked about me bringing in the 12 pack of cokes, going to the Race Track (they knew everything I bought down to the last detail so I know they followed me). He asked if I knew what Tyler was doing. I told him that I had come to the motel to get money that Tyler owed me and that, when I arrived, I felt bad for him so I went and bought him some things. (I didn’t tell him I brought him a pan to cook meth in; the coke package saved me on that.) The officer stopped talking to me and went and talked to Tyler then returned. He asked if he could search my car and I nodded. The search came up clean and then they let me go. I could not believe it, THEY LET ME GO !!!! Tyler was then loaded into the DEA agent’s car and transported to the Federal Prison in Seagoville, Texas, where he ended up serving a very long sentence. Tyler confirmed that I had nothing to do with his manufacturing. He could have told them I brought him a pan but he chose to protect me.This was the first brick God ever threw in my window to try and get my attention. I had two choices that day: to change the way I was living my life because I saw where the lifestyle would lead or continue in my addiction. But As I drove away that day, my only thought was “where am I going to get my meth now?”I didn’t recognize or appreciate the blessing that I received that day, I just thought I would always be" lucky." But my luck ran out that day. The string of events that followed that very close call led to my own arrest on April 19th, 2001.It is not healthy to play the “if only” game in your head. But for the sake of my story, it shows that I could have easily avoided a lot of trouble and legal charges if I would have taken a different path that day. My hopes are for those hearing my story to see the different forks in the road and try to choose the right way - God’s way - as it is never too late. It is so much easier to learn from other’s mistakes and if God throws a brick in your window stop and take an inventory of your life !!! After the brick hits your window there is usually a choice to be made, choose HIS way at that time. I chose my own way thinking my “luck” would never run out but the bricks just got larger and more damaging. It was my choice though. Thankfully HE has mended all the damage that I caused.

Revisiting Van Pelt

GOD IS WITH US behind our defensive walls, our locked doors. The doors are not kicked in, nor are the walls and masks torn away. God understands that our walls and masks grew from our pain and fear, from traumas that affected our ability to trust. In time the doors themselves will be healed, and our masks will become living flesh again when we realize we no longer need them for our survival. But in the meantime, the healing love shines in our defended darkness, and God’s Holy Spirit is breathed upon us.

- Flora Slosson Wuellner 
Miracle: When Christ Touches Our Deepest Need

Wow that writing from For a Slosson Wuellner speaks to my heart and life. I have been so blessed. I got a few emails through my website yesterday that touched me deeply. This one in particular:

“My name is Judy Miller and my husband and I live in your former home on Van Pelt. Barbara Key told me about your blog, and I was very touched as I read it. I’m sorry that you have had to experience so many tragedies in your life—but happy that you are emerging victorious. I’m glad that your visit to “our” home proved helpful to you. Maybe the painful memories are the first to emerge when we revisit a place from our past—especially where you have experienced such tragedies. Like you, I feel there must also be some good memories for you here.You are welcome here anytime you feel it would be beneficial to you to confront your memories. You are a very special lady, and I would enjoy getting to know you.”

 

____________

This brought tears of joy and expectation to my eyes because I know now I don’t have to hide the truth about what happened there, she read the blog so she knows. She was so very kind to make this offer and reach out to me. My heart is overwhelmed. Now I can walk through my childhood home in truth and light not trying to hide the tragedies that occurred there. I love the saying “We must reveal it for God to heal it”. The last time I went through the home the darkness won because I was trying to hide the truth (isn’t that how Satan operates?) I am so excited and am going to embrace this experience, claiming victory, knowing God’s light is shining in my defended darkness and that HE will be with me as HE always was.  I emailed my new friend Judy with some dates and can’t wait to hear back. I will be sure to keep you updated on my blog and share the good memories from Van Pelt because I know they will surface , I just know it. Feeling incredibly excited and blessed . God is so good J

John 8:32

New King James Version (NKJV)

³² And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.

Thank you!!

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!!!!

Your wishes and comments about my birthday and my site have blessed me beyond measure. This has been an amazing day for me and you have truly inspired me. It is so ironic that on my 17^th birthday I felt alone, abandoned, unloved , and rejected when mother, daddy, and Kathey were still alive.  And today on my 51^st birthday I feel so loved ,accepted and surrounded with support  and  they ( mother, daddy , and Kathey)  have all passed.  That is Christ working in my life and yours. Thank you for reaching out to me continuously with kind words  of encouragement. I can honestly say that I have not once felt judged by any of you when you could have so easily done that.  You are all amazing. God has blessed me through each of you and I sincerely mean that. I am overwhelmed by your kindness  and all the support I have received. May God bless all of you : ))))