My Sammy - Part I

After I had Alexis I stayed home for about 6 weeks and then returned to teaching. I just didn’t have the time built up to take more of a leave and I needed to work. I also signed up to teach summer school because it was only from 7:30-11:00 and was great money . I finally was getting into a routine of having a baby and a 3 year old and things were going smoother.

Summer school that year was awesome, I just loved teaching it. I had a group of 3 and 4 year olds with challenges ranging from speech problems to autism. This was an age group I loved and was just a refreshing change in the routine from the middle school group that I had been teaching during the school year. Music therapists and speech therapists were part of the summer school experience and it was just an enjoyable time.  As summer began I enjoyed the time with Alexis who was just a few months old, Hailey, and my class but the only problem is I was so very tired. I thought it was understandable with work and taking care of two small children but every day when I would get home from school I would put the kids down for a nap and I would take one also which was not normal for me. It was almost as if I felt pregnant again but I dismissed that thought thinking the symptoms were left over from Alexis, she was only 3-4 months old!!!

But the symptoms continued and I wasn’t sure what to do. I called my friend Leah who had given birth to two children very close and would asked her repeatedly “ Leah , how did  you know you were pregnant ?” and each time she would reply “ Susan, you need to take a test” to which I would reply ”I don’t want to take a test.” 

This denial went on for awhile then finally one day I went to the store and bought a pregnancy test and took it. I had not even got out the bathroom door before the positive sign showed for the test. I couldn’t believe it !!! I had a four month old baby and was pregnant again : ))

By the time school started that fall I was already in maternity clothes. I will never forget walking into the first in service meeting and my fellow teachers doing double takes and saying quips like “ don’t you know what causes that ?” to “don’t you know what prevents that?”. My fellow teachers did throw me another shower but I think they made a rule only two baby showers per teacher : ))

My pregnancy was uneventful and easy as they all were. I just got extremely big in my stomach. I mean my stomach was huge !!. As I said in Alexis’ blog we would put tape on the floor  in my classroom and measure how far I could be in the room with my stomach sticking out the door. It was unbelievable how far I could stand in the door with my stomach out of the room.

Sammy’s due date was Feb. 8 and I eagerly awaited his birth. People who knew me really well thought I might go into labor during the Super Bowl with both Alex and Sammy because the Cowboys went to the big game both those years and I was so into football screaming and getting excited but that didn’t happen.  Feb. 8 came and Sammy didn’t but I had to take Alexis to the hospital for a week and during that time I told my doctor I needed to have this baby, they thought he was huge and I was missing work with Alexis in the hospital and I didn’t have time saved up so on Feb. 12 at 6 in the morning they induced me and I had Sammy at 2.

He was my fastest and easiest delivery by far, only 8 hours !! I was so happy. When he emerged and I had my baby boy tears rolled down my cheeks. I was somewhat overwhelmed wondering how I was going to handle an 11 month old and a new born but I just knew I would have to. Right after Sammy’s birth they wheeled me down to do a tubal so I couldn’t get pregnant again. I was going to make my husband get a vasectomy because  I had just delivered two babies in 11 months and I thought it was his turn to experience some pain : ))but it was to our extreme financial advantage to do a tubal right after delivery  so reluctantly I agreed to the procedure.

Sammy was my largest baby arriving at 8lb 13oz and he was also a fairly easy and happy baby. I was really blessed with children who weren’t sick and easy to care for. He and Alexis shared a room for awhile and Alexis taught him all her mischievous ways to get out of the crib.

Having a boy was just so new to me; I really didn’t have much male interaction in my life. David died while I was so young, my father and I just didn’t relate in a healthy way at all, and my husband and I really didn’t either so I didn’t know what to expect. But I loved this little boy so and he was just so precious.

He was very gifted athletically and could pick up anything fast. My father bought him a trampoline for his 5^th or 6^th birthday. When they delivered it and set it up at our home in Rockwall Sammy was the first one on it. I will never forget he just started jumping and doing back flips as if he knew how. I was amazed. He then started doing front flips. He was just a natural. For the most part he was good at anything he tried athletically. He was so fast and loved playing football and basketball!!!

He had and still does have a heart of gold. I am always amazed at his heart and the wisdom God has instilled in him.  He is so much wiser than his years. His wisdom comes from the pain he has experienced and that makes me sad. But I can’t change the past or the pain I’ve caused, I just have to trust God and know he will bring good from all the pain Sammy has experienced in his life.

Teachers and classmates always liked Sammy so much, he is very laid back and funny : )) but at times he struggled with school and a lot of that may have had to do with the neglect he experienced from me when he was young. We were just really messed up during his first years of school. He was in second grade when we got busted and I just know I wasn’t there for him to help him with his school work plus all the distractions at home. We missed so much school also because of my drug use. I know I did him a disservice and throughout the years he never felt he was very smart although he was, he just didn’t receive that educational foundation during those formative years  that was so important. While he should have been able to focus on school he was wondering why his family was falling apart and things were so chaotic, I can’t imagine the fear. Well yes I can because I lived that also. So very thankful I finally stopped the cycle of dysfunction : )

As I said Sammy was so young when we got in trouble I don’t’ remember how it affected him the way I did with Hailey, I saw her withdraw but Sammy and Alex were just so little trying to deal with destruction of their family, on  a level I can only begin to imagine.

I remember clearly the incident that got CPS involved in our lives the week before we got busted. I was at work when I received a call from the elementary school asking if I knew where Alex and Sammy were. I told them they should be at school. I was then told something wasn’t right. My husband was asleep in the car and the kids were nowhere to be found. 

Alarmed by the situation and noting the judgment and condemnation in the voice of the administrator I knew I had to get back to the Rockwall as soon as possible. I kept calling our phone (we only had a go phone by this point) and there was no answer. I was off campus with my students so I had to get a ride back to my car and drive to Rockwall, when I got home Warner was asleep and Alex and Sammy were hiding in the attic. I didn’t even know what to say. Everything was just so messed up. I called the school and told them I found the kids but deep down in my gut I knew this meant a lot of trouble and I was pretty sure CPS would be called. 

Feeling overwhelmed all I knew to do was get high , that is how I dealt with everything at that point. A week later CPS interviewed our kids at school and as I have said I don’t know what they said  but I know that Sammy knew  we were doing drugs and he knew if he told those CPS workers  the truth our lives would change. He was in second grade and he had that wisdom. He wasn’t sure how to handle it because he was scared but He knew the implication of all that was happening and I think on some level he knew things needed to change so he was honest. Hailey got upset with him for his honesty because she was so scared but he chose to tell the truth , he knew something was up and he knew it wasn’t good. He has told me that he knew things were bad because Warner and I didn’t pay attention to them anymore . It breaks my heart to think of his fear but at the same time I am amazed at his thought process as a 7 -8 year old.

He went to live with his aunt and uncle while we were incarcerated and he thrived although he missed us terribly.   Where Alexis exhibited behavioral issues Sammy’s aunt and uncle told me he was just the perfect kid and he loved to eat.  After I got out of rehab Sammy came to live with me at my dad’s. This was when we lived in Chandler’s Landing in Rockwall and could go hang out at the yacht club, take out the Sea Doo, and swim anytime.  From the outside looking in it seemed like the perfect life for a young boy but there was so much going on: the abuse from my father towards me , the abuse and critical aspect in which my father treated my children, and  my relapse which instilled fear in my children’s hearts and minds again. Things were not as they appeared at all.

( I will never forget going back to Chandler’s Landing to drive past my Dad’s old house when Sammy went to take his driving permit test. As we looked at the house, which was a beautiful two story with a balcony, Sammy made the comment that even though we had  so many “things” at that time he was much happier living in our very modest home with the financial struggles we have because I was clean and sober . Because I was clean and sober I was there for him and he saw that was more important than having a bunch of stuff.  I think my mouth dropped open at the depth of his wisdom and heart. I was just so amazed that at 15 he saw that material possessions do not make people happy and although his friends had so much more than he did he really didn’t care. He was happy for them  and at times he would wish things could be easier but deep down in his heart he was just thankful and happy that our relationship had been restored.

I just love him so much!

Renewal Radio!

My story on Renewal Radio!

Aired March 5 through 9, 2012 in 5 parts

From Bondage to Freedom

Our special guest this week was just eight years old when her brother took his life and her parents shut the door to his room and never talked about it again. Susan Washington's parents turned to alcohol and later she turned to drugs. Eventually she went to prison--leaving her children behind. Join us on Renewal as our host, Dr. Gene Getz, unfolds her amazing story of tragedy--and then redemption. You'll see how God was at work in her life in spite of all her personal tragedies."

It takes so little to reach out - Angela- The grace of God

Spending time with my "daughter" Angela. Talk about the grace of God!!!!

A little over four years ago Angela was sitting in a jail cell facing a revocation of her probation and possible prison time. It was then I reached out to her, writing letters and just loving her. Thankfully her probation was reinstated and she was released from jail. She was eight months pregnant and determined to change her life. She started coming to church and hometeam with me, and God has transformed her life. She has totally turned her life around. Saturday she leaves for South Africa on her first mission trip. I am so blessed to have watched this unfold. Our God is an awesome God:)) I love you Angela. I'm so glad I wrote those letters when God prompted me to reach out. It was that simple:)) a letter just letting her know I cared, then inviting her to church and home team.

       

Alexis and Riley

Each test came out as positive as the one before and the realization sunk in that I had a pregnant 15 year old daughter.  Selfish thoughts immediately began to bombard my mind: “what will people think of me? I’ve been to prison, am a recovering drug addict, and now I have a pregnant 15 year old” to the worst one of all “we can get an abortion, pretend it never happened, and no one will ever know.”  That thought stopped me in my tracks because it was the way I had learned to deal with everything from the time I was ten years old and my brother committed suicide. 

It was a thought pattern ingrained so deeply I had to be intentional to change it. My whole life I had dealt with things by locking them away and pretending they didn't happen, and we know where that got me. So I captured those evil thoughts and brought them into obedience declaring that is not who I am anymore! I don’t hide in fear from the truth, I face the truth head on.

Thankfully I found out Alexis was pregnant on a Wednesday afternoon and I had hometeam that night. I had begun leading a hometeam at New Hope and many of us were in recovery. That night after a time of praise and worship I looked at this group of about 15-20 people and said I had something to say. Tearing up I confessed that I just learned my 15 year old daughter was pregnant. 

As with every trial before that I confessed to my church family I was surrounded with love and support. Amazingly I was told of different people at my church who had the same experience and chose different options: one kept the baby and another put her baby up for adoption. The couple I reached out to for advice were respected leaders in our church and had experienced this years before. The shame that the enemy was trying to trap me in immediately left and I had hope, I didn’t feel alone. Again what the enemy mean for evil God brought good from.

Alexis made the choice to keep her baby and we said we would support her decision. (I cannot imagine life without Riley now, I just can't, I love her with all my heart and she has brought such joy to our family) My oldest daughter Hailey was so scared that the kids at school would be mean to Alexis, making fun of her. I don't know if that happened or not. Alexis is a pretty tough girl so she never mentioned it.

What I remember the most is how she took care of herself being sure to eat healthy food, putting ear phones on her stomach and playing Beethoven, and sewing blankets, dolls, and pillows for her unborn baby. Her care didn't stop when Riley was born on June 25, 2008. She chose to nurse Riley because she had learned that was best for her baby. I thought she might stop when she started her junior year in the fall but NO , Alexis took a pump to school and would go to the nurses office throughout the day so she could continue to nurse Riley. She did that until January.

I am still amazed by that :) I remember her saying that she wished the bag for the pump was more stylish:) I told her I didn't think they would design breast pumps for teenagers :) I don't want to sugarcoat anything because it has been extremely hard and there have been many ups and downs for Alexis. But she has strength and I know she will be okay. When I am scared for her I always think of dropping her off at school (her DL was put on hold for awhile)  her junior year and her jumping out of the car with a backpack on one arm and the breast pump on the other, running into the building or taking her to youth group at church when Riley was an infant and Alexis dropping her off in the nursery while she went to youth. Deep down in my heart I know Alexis will make it. She has such strength and I am not sure where it comes from but I am so thankful she has it.

Today Alexis is working at a church in Allen and building a life for her and Riley. She has made some poor choices along the way but has taken the initiative to accept the consequences and deal with them. God has a great plan for Alexis, I don’t know what it is but I know it is full of hope and promise.

At Christmas this year as we were eating dinner Riley broke out into a song she made up. The words were basically "It's a lovely day , It's a Shine"  Each time I watch this video I see the light within her. As I look at her sweet innocence her words "It's a Shine" bring a light and smile to my face :))  It inspires me to shine for Jesus. Let's all go out and shine today :)) God is so good and will bring good out of everything .

Even if you are in the midst of despair and trials  there is hope, just look for his LIGHT and many times we find that HEALING light in others.

Jeremiah 29:11

New International Version (NIV)

11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

My Rosebud

Alexis and her baby girl Riley !! 2010 Wylie High School Graduate !!

A few days ago I shared about my Hailey and today  I want to share about my Alexis  Rose. When I named Hailey I really wanted to name her Bailey but Warner argued with me about that being a name, he said it was an Irish whiskey and cream based liqueur and not a name for a girl. In hindsight it was probably best I gave in on this one with the history of addiction and alcoholism in our families we needed to steer clear of names referring to alcohol and especially names referring to meth like Crystal : )))  ( I love the name Crystal : ) I am really just trying to be funny:)

When I got pregnant with Alexis I knew I wanted to name her something with Alex in it. My mother’s maiden name was Alexander and I wanted to use that somehow and my mother’s name was Rosemary so I knew I wanted to use Rose. We decided on Alexis Rose because I thought Alexandria Rose Washington was just toooo much. My plans were to call her Alex.  I loved Alex for a girl and when she was born she was our little Rosebud.

Alexis was a little spit fire of a baby and very beautiful. She was born on Feb. 29, 1992 and we knew she would be special. Everything surrounding her birth was special. My husband had left on Friday night Feb.28 1992  to go pick up Chinese Food and while he was gone my water broke. In a panic I called my sister but there was no answer and I called all my teacher friends to try to find someone to watch Hailey. No one was at home that Friday night.  Scared because I was alone I called the Chinese restaurant and asked them to find my husband and let me speak to him. Minutes later he was on the line and said he would come home . Crying I told him I didn’t know what to do because Kathey wasn’t home. He said we would figure it out. I started packing a bag for me and Hailey and waited for Warner. Later I saw his headlights pull into our driveway and I was shocked to see Kathey sitting with him in the truck and Carl my brother in law in the car behind. As Warner was leaving the restaurant he looked over and saw my sister eating there !! This was the first time Kathey and Carl had ever eaten at that restaurant !  Now Amarillo is not big city like Dallas but it is still quite large.I believe that was a God thing. I needed Kathey, she was my rock and anchor. Just her presence was calming and I felt peace in my heart when she was near. Warner then took me to the hospital and Kathey took Hailey to Panhandle. Alexis was born hours later.

 People would comment on what a beautiful baby she was and she was full of energy. Where Hailey had been laid back  Alexis was anything but. By nine months she was figuring ways to climb out of the crib. She would hold the side and bounce as high as possible. The only way I can describe it , is she did some sort of vault to get out. I put cushions by the crib because I was so scared she would get hurt. You had to always keep your eyes on Alex.

Alexis hadn’t even turned a year old and I was due with my Sammy. I will never forget on Sammy’s due date which was Feb 8 I called the pediatrician for some more cough medicine for Alexis because the cough she had wouldn’t go away. As I was talking to the nurse she could hear Alex in the background and told me I needed to bring her in. Sighing deeply but not really alarmed I left with Hailey and Alex in tow for the doctor. After arriving at the office we were taken straight back to an examination room as the other waiting patients looked at us angrily. By this point I was a little nervous wondering why we were receiving the VIP treatment. The doctor rushed in and examined Alexis and asked me how long she had been that way. Alexis was smiling and laughing between coughs so I said I didn’t know, I just knew the cough wasn’t’ getting better. The doctor administered a breathing treatment on the spot and called the hospital.  I was instructed to take her there ASAP,  that the situation was critical. Still in shock because Alexis was laughing I gathered up our things and headed to the hospital. At that point I broke down: It was so scary that my baby was critically ill and I didn’t even have a clue, what if I wouldn’t have called the doctor, thoughts like that bombarded my mind, I was due with my third baby and was huge ( in my classroom we would put down tape inside my door and see how far I could stand in my room and my stomach be out the door, it was amazing how far I could be in the room. When my OB would take the tape measure  to measure my stomach in weeks the last visit showed 54 weeks. I WAS HUGE!!!!  I had people tell me I was the biggest pregnant person they ever saw, my stomach stuck straight out. It is hard to describe : )), and I was alone trying to keep up with a four year old and an 11 month old that was deathly ill but felt great wanting to go all over the place. As we walked into the hospital everyone tried to lead me to maternity and I was crying so hard I couldn’t talk. I think Hailey finally told them Alexis was sick.

After getting a hold of Kathey ( my rock ) I felt better , she came to see me and took Hailey home with her. Warner then came when he got off work. Alexis was very sick and spent 4 days in the hospital. I stayed with her during the day and my husband did at night so I could sleep because I could go into labor any minute.  They said it was asthma and they gave her many breathing treatments but she has never suffered another attack. My friend Linda , who I taught school with, said Alexis was just not going to let anyone steal her thunder : )) She knew a new baby was coming and she was going to make sure she got our attention. I think Linda was right.

As Alexis grew she was so very creative. The things she would come up with amazed me. She was and is extremely loyal and loves deeply. She will fight for the rights of anyone she believes is being mis treated. She has no fear !!! She and Sammy were so close in age  ( 11 months apart) they have a deep bond and can relate to each other on levels the rest of us can’t. She could be awfully mean to Sammy too but if anyone else was mean to him when they were very little she would go after them. Of course Sammy grew and could take care of himself but for a short time Alexis was his defender when they were very small. 

School didn’t’ come as easy for Alexis and she was diagnosed with dyslexia but her IQ was VERY high so she could compensate. She was always just so strong willed and adventurous . I remember once Hailey and her friend were having a lemonade stand in Rockwall and they wouldn’t let Alexis participate. So Alexis decided to make her own stand. For some reason Warner  was cooking all these chicken drumsticks , he had bought like two family packages so there were 20 plus at least. Alexis snuck to the grill and took all the drumsticks. She then set up a table on the side of the road and had a drumstick sale. She was so cute holding up the drumsticks  shouting “drumsticks for sale” that her drumstick stand was hit and she made more than Hailey and her friend, now of course our dinner was gone but it was okay we still laugh at the memory.

Another time I remember we got home from Campbell, at this point all the kids were going to school with me and this probably happened during our drug use. We got home and I was locked out of the house. We went around to try every window but nothing was unlocked . I was about to cry when Hailey told me to look on the roof. Alexis who was probably 6 at the time had somehow climbed  up there. She proceeded to tell me she would go down the chimney that if it worked for Santa Claus it could work for her. Screaming I told her “NOOO” because I knew she would do it. She looked at me and pointed her hand out and said “It is a free world and I can do as I please “as dramatically as possible. The dramatics of the situation caused her to sway slightly and then she grabbed the chimney and got scared. Luckily a cable guy was working on a house nearby and brought his ladder and rescued Alexis.

Her heart  is always in the right place but sometimes we just need to channel that energy into more appropriate responses.

Another thing about Alexis is you could never use child psychology on her. We would all be at a store and I would be ready to leave and the kids wouldn’t. In frustration and impatience I would tell them “okay I’m leaving you can stay here “ and start walking out the door . Hailey and Sammy would come running saying don’t leave me Momma hugging me tightly. Alexis would roll her eyes and say “You’re not going to leave me. You might act like you are and you might even go outside but you wouldn’t leave me “ She ALWAYS called my bluff. There was no reverse psychology with her. God gave her a deep wisdom and discernment that I noticed at a very young age..

Alexis has never been a morning person either. The day she graduated from High School I thanked God genuinely that I would never have to get her up again J She is just most productive at night. I couldn’t keep up with her. During the week I would repeatedly tell her to get back in bed but she had so much energy she would get up and start a project. One night I remember I could hear the sound of  duct tape pulling and tearing. It was a continuous sound and I was very curious about what in the world she was up to but I was also VERY tired. I didn’t hear Sammy or Hailey arguing with her so I felt secure that she wasn’t using the duct tape to tape up her brother and sister so I just went to sleep. When I woke up the next morning Alexis was asleep on the couch and beside her on the floor was a pair of shoes and a purse she designed and made out of duct tape.  I picked them up and was just so impressed at her creativity and thinking process. Things would get a lot tougher for Alexis  as she got older.

 To be continued ……………………………………

Update on Saturday, June 9, 2012 at 01:31AM by Susan Washington

I wanted to share this again in the light of My Rosebud's death.  I wrote this blog as a gift to her and I just wanted to share it again.  Thank you for all your support . In Christ,  Susan

Update on Saturday, February 28, 2015 at 11:51AM by Susan Washington

With Alexis' 23rd birthday today I wanted to share this blog again. I wrote this just a few months before she died. So thankful I did that!!