God has been faithful

Joel :25 The LORD says, “I will give you back what you lost."

This scripture has brought me such encouragement and God has been faithful, as he always is. He has restored so many things that I had lost and I am so thankful for that. This is especially true where relationships are concerned. My relationships with my children are in such a good place now. My son Sammy said to me one time “Mom I can’t even imagine you on drugs, it is like that was a different person. Please keep sharing your story because you are really helping people. I am so proud of you” Hailey with her sweet nature texted me one time and told me “Mom , I just want you to know that I always knew you loved me even when you did drugs. I never felt alone and abandoned like you did when I was growing up. It breaks my heart that you were hurt so badly” and my relationship with Alexis grows stronger every day, she just has more difficulty verbalizing her feelings but she has a heart of gold. This is the work of God.

He gave my children back to me , their hearts could have been hardened by what I put them through but God protected them and our relationships have been restored and reconciled. The most amazing relationship that God restored to me was with my father. There had been so much damage and in the fall of 2010 I was about to give up. My dad was so very critical of me and it just hurt. I would go see him in the nursing home throughout the years and he would say things like “Why did you let yourself go like that, you are so fat” and “Why are you wearing those glasses , you look awful”. I got to the point where I would just leave but the pain was deep. All I wanted from my dad was his love and acceptance and it just seemed as if that was not part of His plan for my life. After awhile the pain turned to anger and I made the decision not to go see him anymore. I didn’t deserve that treatment and I didn’t have to tolerate it so my visits became less frequent. I felt somewhat empowered by the boundary I had set but the pain was still so raw when I would think of how he treated me throughout my life. I decided to seek help and went to counseling.

This worked so much better than doing drugs as I had done in the past to deal with my pain : ) After a few sessions we decided to have someone sit in as my dad and I would tell him the things I felt he should apologize to me for. I spent a week making my list but was somewhat skeptical that I could pretend this man from church was my dad. The morning of the session I was nervous and just hoped and prayed healing would come from this because I needed healing in this area desperately. As we sat down and prayed it was as if the floodgates were opened and I unloaded, crying uncontrollably. It was just the most gut wrenching experience I can remember and when it was done I knew healing had taken place. The man who sat in as my dad was crying also and he said the Lord revealed to him that my Dad resented my strength because I stayed in that house and took care of my mother when he abandoned us.

He knew he should have been strong for me but he wasn’t, so he would lash out at me because of his guilt and find fault in everything about me. Wow, what a revelation!!! I had always seen my dad as so strong but after that session I was able to look at him through the eyes of God and see the hurt, pain, and guilt that had consumed his life since David’s suicide.. My anger was replaced with compassion and I could love him from the depths of my heart because I had truly FORGIVEN him. Leaving the session I went straight to the nursing home and walked into his room. He said “Hi, where have you been? I haven’t seen you in awhile?” I apologized and said I was sorry that I had just been so busy, but I would visit him regularly from now on. I then walked over to his bed and hugged him tightly telling him I loved him. He stiffened slightly as he always did when I tried to hug him, and said nothing. I sighed deeply, then pulled up a chair and just sat with my dad - accepting him for who he was and knowing he did the best he could.

My dad died on December 13th, 2010, exactly a year ago. And I was with him as he took his last breath . I had fallen asleep with my head on the side of his hospital bed and was startled awake with a dream about my mother. Looking at my dad I could tell his breathing had slowed and was very shallow. I stood up and kissed his forehead and began to recite Psalm 23 . Tears were flowing but I continued to speak God’s word with my cheek against his cheek, and then he was gone. The nurse called for a doctor to come announce the time of death and I just sat with my Daddy so very thankful that God had intervened and healed our relationship.

Small Compromises

I love Casting Crowns and was listening to Slow Fade earlier, It made me think about my life ………………. The lines below are so true 

It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray 
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day

God speaks to me in many different ways: sometimes He prompts me with a thought, other times he speaks to me through other people, and sometimes he reminds me of my past and shows me how it is significant with the present which is significant to my future. He did this specifically by answering a question that I had asked while in prison . It was quite a powerful moment teaching me an amazing lesson that I will never forget. Let’s go back to Novemeber 14 , 2002 when I pulled chain ( prison lingo for leaving county) to go to prison. I had been in Rockwall County since July 18 and was so scared about going to TDC hoping I might be able to do my time in Rockwall. But at three in the morning on November 14th a guard came to my cell , told me to pack my things that I was pulling chain. After arriving at Woodman, the diagnostic unit for women, I was put in a dorm with about 100 women from all over Texas. As I walked to my bunk it was almost surreal and seemed like a dream, well more like a nightmare. The first few nights I was there I would wake up in the middle of the night startled and confused about where I was then it would all come back………………………… Sitting up and looking across the dorm at all the inmates I would ask , to no one in particular, “how on earth did I end up here, where did it go so terribly wrong ?” My question was never answered………………………………......................................................
Fast forward to September 2005 when I was working at Dickey’s BBQ. I began working at Dickey’s in 2004 as a cashier and had been promoted to manager by 2005. My responsibilities were to count the cash drawers and close down the store each evening . I was very proud about my promotion and that the owners trusted me in spite of my criminal background. My life was finally getting back on track, it had been such a long, long road……………………. One evening a man came through the drive through and placed an order, after he arrived home he called because we had made a mistake. I told him I would deliver him the correct order and wrote down his address. Before we hung up he asked the cost of a turkey sandwich then ordered one for me to bring also. 

As I was getting his order ready I decided just to give him the sandwich since we had made a mistake. Minutes later I drove to his house . After I rang the doorbell he came to the door holding a dog that was barking incessantly and there were small children running around in the background and coming towards the door. It was a very chaotic situation . He only cracked the door so no one could escape. I handed him his food and he handed me a 5 dollar bill then shut the door. I almost knocked again to give him back the money because I wanted to give him the sandwich but because of the chaos I decided not to bother him and I walked to my car holding that 5 dollar bill.

As I began to drive away a battle was waged in my mind about the money. Remember it was only 5 dollars . My first thoughts were “keep the money, you deserve it, it can be your tip, you drove your own car over there and used your own gas “ to “he did not intend to tip you, if you want to keep the money you should call Bill (the owner) and tell him the situation, go back and give the money back to the customer and see what he does”. These types of thoughts played back and forth in my mind until I was exhausted . I was basically trying to justify STEALING that money. As I pulled into the restaurant I put the 5 dollar bill in my back pocket and decided to think about the situation later but GOD would not let me rest. It was really slow at the restaurant so I went to the To Go section and leaned against the counter. 

As I looked around the restaurant a memory from prison surfaced in my mind, those first nights that I spent in Woodman when I would wake up confused about where I was and ask myself “How on earth did I end up here ? Where did it go so terribly wrong?” My question was going to finally be answered.

God spoke clearly then and said it was situations like this that got you to prison. Small compromises in seemingly innocent situations that are not black and white. He showed me if I kept the money next time I wouldn’t think twice about it. . He showed me how I went from a girl who did not, would not do drugs to becoming a full blown drug addict by making small compromises. It was a terrifying vision but so clear to me. Once we start moving our boundaries a little at a time we aren’t even aware of the changes in place and then one day we wake up an our morals and values have been completely compromised.

Immediately I ran to the cash register and rang up the turkey sandwich putting the 5 dollars in the drawer. It was such a powerful experience and really showed me that the little things are very important. Song of Solomon 2:15 (GOD’S WORD Translation) 15 Catch the foxes for us, the little foxes that ruin vineyards. Our vineyards are blooming. It is a slow fade when we self destruct, so beware of those small foxes in your life wherever they may be. !!!

God's Fingerprints

The days leading up to July 18 are a blur; as I stayed gone most of the time because I was scared I would be arrested at my dad’s house. My kids who had been living with me were back with their other grandparents since my downward spiral. Thank God for that. Most my time was spent in and around Kilgore because, believe it or not, many of the people I was using with were people I met in rehab. My car got stolen by some drug people and I couldn’t get it back. The girl I loaned the car to hit me in the face because I kept asking about my car,  I cried and didn’t ask her about it anymoe :)  Crazy things kept happening and everything was out of control. Finally someone loaned me some money and I took a Greyhound bus to Terrell and then got a ride to Rockwall.

When I walked into my dad’s house I could tell he was very ill. He was smoking continuously and drinking heavily. He had a horrible cough and I was very concerned. He refused to go the doctor but by Wed. July 17 I knew he needed to go to the hospital. My probation was the next day and I didn’t know what would happen  and I literally feared for his life. We got into the car and drove to Lakepointe and went to the emergency room.  They quickly admitted him to begin a battery of tests , he was just so weak and I was so scared.

On Thursday July 18 I woke up and got ready for probation, hoping for the best. Thank God it never occurred to me not to go, that would have just added to my problems. Before the appointment I stopped by the hospital to see my dad, all we knew at that point was he had pneumonia and  was very ill. Leaning over I kissed him on his forehead and told him I hoped to see him later. Slowly I drove to the Community Supervision Corrections Department. It seemed like eternity as I waited in the lobby to be called by my officer but she finally opened the door and called me in. Where before she had been friendly and supportive now she had a no nonsense attitude and seemed angry. She asked me what happened ( with my relapse and new charge) and I didn’t know what to say. Struggling for words I tried to speak, but nothing came out. To be honest it was for the best because I would have only lied and nothing was going to make a difference. Overcome with shame, I just kept looking at my hands not able to face her or look in her eyes.

Seconds later the door opened and two Sheriffs’ deputies entered the room and arrested me. After I got to the jail I learned that because it was a revocation I had no bond. There was no way I was going to get out. The morning of July 18^th were my last moments of freedom for over a year. Crying hysterically I was put into a cell. .

My first few days were spent crying. Girls in the cell would suggest that I call someone but there was no one to call since my dad was in the hospital. I was alone. After being locked up about a week and frantic for news about my father I finally got a visit from my dad’s neighbor, things were much worse than I imagined. I learned my dad had A LOT of financial problems. His Lexus had been repossessed and his house was been foreclosed upon. These proceedings had been going on for awhile, I guess the stress of  that situation is why he was drinking so heavily and  so mean to me.  The worst news was how sick he was; they weren’t sure he was going to make it.

There was nothing I could do, I was totally powerless sitting in a jail cell. Talking to my dad wasn’t even a possibility because you could only make collect calls.  My greatest fear was that he was going to die and if that happened I knew I would feel responsible.. I already felt responsible for mother’s death and so guilty that I wasn’t a better sister to Kathey . I didn’t think I could handle another burden.   It was just awful and I felt so terribly alone but I have since learned that I was not alone. God was with me the whole time protecting me, knowing I was strong but there were some things I might not be equipped to handle. My eyes and heart were just not opened to see him at the time.

My dad ended being hospitalized for about 8 months and lost his house, cars, and all his possessions. To this day I don’t know what happened to all his stuff, they even took all of our family keepsakes that wouldn’t mean anything to anyone else. The thought of that still makes me sick. Whoever packed up the house took most everything. So in essence by dad was now homeless and completely broke although he was still in the hospital. This is where God blessed me because if I wasn’t sitting in that jail cell I would have been homeless and completely broke also and I don’t know if I could have survived that. I was not in relationship with ANYONE so there was no one to reach out to. I can’t imagine what that would have looked like but I know it would not have been pretty. My addiction stole so much from me and the bottom I hit was very hard but up until the day I was arrested I still had the ability to pay for my drugs  and I had a place to live. That was about to change.

The phrase “I wasn’t there YET ” was used in rehab a lot. Addiction takes many people to some very low places doing things that thought they would never do. Many girls I ministered to in prison sold their bodies for their drug habit and were living on the street. They would ask me if I ever had to do that and I would reply “no I wasn’t there YET ” with love and no judgment. There but for the grace of God, go I.

 Through God’s grace I was put in that jail cell and then sent to prison. He prompted me to take my dad to the hospital the day before I was arrested ,I was told he would have died if we had waited any longer  . I am not nor have I ever been street smart so I don’t know if I could have survived being homeless because although I am strong I don’t think I am tough in that way. God gave me what I needed and I was blessed to be arrested at the perfect time, protecting me from myself and my addiction. It was all part of his plan for my life and looking back I can see the fingerprints of God.  I never would have thought I would thank God for being arrested but I do all the time.

This morning after I got to work I was thinking...

This morning after I got to work I was thinking that in a way I am an oxymoron. I am sensitively strong maybe strongly tender. I am not sure if those are really oxymorons but I know I am strong and a survivor but I am not really tough. For instance when I was in prison the other inmates didn’t consider me tough at all. I can’t remember a time in my life where anyone thought I was tough or intimidating. To be honest I usually cried if anyone was mean to me so some saw me as weak : )

Anyhow I was thinking of these characteristics I possess and very thankful that I didn’t lose my sensitivity or tenderness after some of things I did and some of the things I went through. Those are the attributes that helped me be a good special education teacher, It was through these traits that compassion was born through my pain instead of bitterness and anger.

All this came about because I was thinking about my dad, again. He has been in my thoughts a lot lately, I guess because the anniversary of his death is fast approaching.  My thoughts took me back to the Spring of 2002……………after graduating from the six month rehab in Overton Texas during the month of February I went to live with my Dad in Rockwall. Many people advised against this decision because we had such an unhealthy relationship and my dad was still an active alcoholic. I dismissed this advice because I had nowhere else to go, He was my only remaining relative other than my kids so I didn’t know what to do and couldn’t think of any other options.

At the beginning living with my dad went fine. But as time went on  his drinking increased and he would be abusive. What happened most often is he would be drunk  and throw his glass of vodka in my face  telling me he wished I would have died instead o f Kathey because she would have never embarrassed him the way I did. That broke my heart a little more each time it happened. The hurtful words still sting to this day.. As I said I am strong but not tough. Don’t get me wrong I do not blame my dad for anything , I am accountable for all of my choices but my choice to live in an unhealthy environment increased my chances of relapse which eventually happened. By the month of May I was really struggling because I had to face the reality of my situation. I was now a convicted felon and there were consequences and limitations because of my crimes. i.e. my teaching certificate was suspended, finding employment was difficult,  etc. Hopelessness began to set in and I relapsed.

It started so innocently. I made the decision to go see my old drug dealer. My justification was that he was my friend and I just wanted to see how he was doing. I rationalized and justified the whole drive there, swearing I would never use again as my palms were sweating. I hadn’t been there ten minutes before I relapsed and the downward spiral began again. It was amazing how fast I was back to using every day. It was awful. Ironically enough a couple of days after Memorial Day I got pulled over in Mesquite by the police. After searching my car I was arrested for possession of Meth. My father would not take my calls so I spent the night in the Mesquite City Jail and was transferred to Lew Sterrett the next morning. Thankfully my dad bonded me out soon after. Fear set in because I knew a new charge could revoke my probation and I could be sent to prison. The only hope I could cling to was that my probation officer wouldn’t find out since my new charge was in a different county.

Those hopes were soon dashed because my dad got drunk, called my probation officer and told her I had a new charge. The clock was ticking for me, time was running out. My next probation appointment was on July 18 and I counted down the days hoping and praying a miracle would happen and one did!!  It was not the miracle I was hoping for but it was the miracle I needed. God is amazing that way and that leads me to where I started that I am strong but not tough.

For as he thinks in his heart, so is he.

Proverbs 23 :7 For as he thinks in his heart, so is he.

The mind is very powerful and a battlefield so we must be aware of our thoughts. When I was in prison I read the book “Battlefield of the Mind” by Joyce Meyer and it had a major impact on my life. Before that I didn’t realize how important it is to think about what we are thinking about. (The end of my mother’s life and her death are perfect examples for me. During the last couple of years of her life I KNEW I would find her dead, as I have said in the past the first thing I did when I got home from school was to go find her, she was usually passed out on the floor somewhere, and check to see if she was alive, that became my routine: set down my books, find mother, make sure she is alive, fix a snack, do my homework, etc. It still grieves my heart for the young girl within me that that was my normal.

Since I was alone so much I spent a lot of time “preparing” myself for her death. I spent hours thinking about how I would react, usually imagining that I would run out of the house screaming. When I did find her I didn’t react at all in the way I thought. I had spent hours thinking such negative and dark thoughts that never came to pass. After her death I replayed my last interaction with her endlessly throughout the years, feeling such guilt and shame each time I got to the point of saying “Get the %^&$ out of my room, I wish you were dead” , the hurt and pain on her face tattooed on my mind. I think many of the problems I experienced later in life were magnified by and rooted in these unhealthy thinking patterns) 

Also in my life I have noticed that the way I think has been determined by my history and past experiences. This has not been very healthy since so much of my thinking patterns were rooted in the tragedies my family experienced. For instance when my friends at church lost their son in a skiing accident I thought their lives would fall apart and they would become alcoholics because that is what happened in my family when David died. But that didn’t because of their relationship with Christ. I was amazed at their strength and as a result started pursuing God with all my heart. What I predicted and THOUGHT would happen never came to pass. I really believed I had changed my thinking patterns and learned to think positively but sometimes I let my mind run wild and I regress………………. We have had some changes at work lately which have been a great opportunity for Jeff but have been unsettling for me because of my past experiences. Jeff got another community which is about 5-10 miles away from Lakeview now selling in both places. This is such a blessing for him but I started to feel really insecure.

When I first met Jeff and began working for him back in 2006 it was because they gave him the Woodbridge community where I worked in addition to Provence at Fire wheel. The sales counselor who had been at Woodbridge resigned to go into full time mission work. Jeff had an assistant who had been with him for years but he still needed me since there were two communities. As time went by Jeff and I developed a great working relationship and he said I was the best assistant he had ever worked with. After about a year the company moved another sales counselor to Provence so that left Jeff with only Woodbridge and the need for only one assistant. He chose me. This was great for me but left the other girl without a job. Those events came to the surface of my mind when Jeff got the new community.

I began to feel so insecure because there are two assistants that he has been working with and I was reminded about what happened in Woodbridge, except this time I am the assistant he has had for years. It is amazing how jealousy and self- doubt started to take root and I began to question my ability and my value. I even started to resent the two other assistants whom I don’t even know!!! Finally I had to shake my head (that is what I do when the thoughts bombard my mind and I can’t seem to take hold of them:))) and remind myself of who I am NOW (so many times I think of myself as a felon, criminal, drug addict, ex-con and think that no one wants me and I have no value or worth. It is a battle in my mind that I fight quite frequently). After shaking the negative thoughts out of my head I made a mental list of all my attributes in my professional life as well as my personal life and started to feel better as my self confidence returned. 

I was so blessed yesterday because Jeff told me that a realtor called him on his day off to tell him how good I was, that they were so impressed with my knowledge and ability. The purpose of the call was to compliment me :) He even said he always gets calls like that. It made me feel so good and I will tuck away those uplifting comments to draw upon the next time jealousy , insecurity , and self doubt rear their ugly heads, because if we let those emotions take root it can get so very ugly. I am glad God prompts me when my thinking is off so I can take every thought captive and bring it into obedience. Of course I am not always successful but I try to be very aware of the way I am thinking.

2 Corinthians 10:4 For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, 5 casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ.