God's Fingerprints

The days leading up to July 18 are a blur; as I stayed gone most of the time because I was scared I would be arrested at my dad’s house. My kids who had been living with me were back with their other grandparents since my downward spiral. Thank God for that. Most my time was spent in and around Kilgore because, believe it or not, many of the people I was using with were people I met in rehab. My car got stolen by some drug people and I couldn’t get it back. The girl I loaned the car to hit me in the face because I kept asking about my car,  I cried and didn’t ask her about it anymoe :)  Crazy things kept happening and everything was out of control. Finally someone loaned me some money and I took a Greyhound bus to Terrell and then got a ride to Rockwall.

When I walked into my dad’s house I could tell he was very ill. He was smoking continuously and drinking heavily. He had a horrible cough and I was very concerned. He refused to go the doctor but by Wed. July 17 I knew he needed to go to the hospital. My probation was the next day and I didn’t know what would happen  and I literally feared for his life. We got into the car and drove to Lakepointe and went to the emergency room.  They quickly admitted him to begin a battery of tests , he was just so weak and I was so scared.

On Thursday July 18 I woke up and got ready for probation, hoping for the best. Thank God it never occurred to me not to go, that would have just added to my problems. Before the appointment I stopped by the hospital to see my dad, all we knew at that point was he had pneumonia and  was very ill. Leaning over I kissed him on his forehead and told him I hoped to see him later. Slowly I drove to the Community Supervision Corrections Department. It seemed like eternity as I waited in the lobby to be called by my officer but she finally opened the door and called me in. Where before she had been friendly and supportive now she had a no nonsense attitude and seemed angry. She asked me what happened ( with my relapse and new charge) and I didn’t know what to say. Struggling for words I tried to speak, but nothing came out. To be honest it was for the best because I would have only lied and nothing was going to make a difference. Overcome with shame, I just kept looking at my hands not able to face her or look in her eyes.

Seconds later the door opened and two Sheriffs’ deputies entered the room and arrested me. After I got to the jail I learned that because it was a revocation I had no bond. There was no way I was going to get out. The morning of July 18^th were my last moments of freedom for over a year. Crying hysterically I was put into a cell. .

My first few days were spent crying. Girls in the cell would suggest that I call someone but there was no one to call since my dad was in the hospital. I was alone. After being locked up about a week and frantic for news about my father I finally got a visit from my dad’s neighbor, things were much worse than I imagined. I learned my dad had A LOT of financial problems. His Lexus had been repossessed and his house was been foreclosed upon. These proceedings had been going on for awhile, I guess the stress of  that situation is why he was drinking so heavily and  so mean to me.  The worst news was how sick he was; they weren’t sure he was going to make it.

There was nothing I could do, I was totally powerless sitting in a jail cell. Talking to my dad wasn’t even a possibility because you could only make collect calls.  My greatest fear was that he was going to die and if that happened I knew I would feel responsible.. I already felt responsible for mother’s death and so guilty that I wasn’t a better sister to Kathey . I didn’t think I could handle another burden.   It was just awful and I felt so terribly alone but I have since learned that I was not alone. God was with me the whole time protecting me, knowing I was strong but there were some things I might not be equipped to handle. My eyes and heart were just not opened to see him at the time.

My dad ended being hospitalized for about 8 months and lost his house, cars, and all his possessions. To this day I don’t know what happened to all his stuff, they even took all of our family keepsakes that wouldn’t mean anything to anyone else. The thought of that still makes me sick. Whoever packed up the house took most everything. So in essence by dad was now homeless and completely broke although he was still in the hospital. This is where God blessed me because if I wasn’t sitting in that jail cell I would have been homeless and completely broke also and I don’t know if I could have survived that. I was not in relationship with ANYONE so there was no one to reach out to. I can’t imagine what that would have looked like but I know it would not have been pretty. My addiction stole so much from me and the bottom I hit was very hard but up until the day I was arrested I still had the ability to pay for my drugs  and I had a place to live. That was about to change.

The phrase “I wasn’t there YET ” was used in rehab a lot. Addiction takes many people to some very low places doing things that thought they would never do. Many girls I ministered to in prison sold their bodies for their drug habit and were living on the street. They would ask me if I ever had to do that and I would reply “no I wasn’t there YET ” with love and no judgment. There but for the grace of God, go I.

 Through God’s grace I was put in that jail cell and then sent to prison. He prompted me to take my dad to the hospital the day before I was arrested ,I was told he would have died if we had waited any longer  . I am not nor have I ever been street smart so I don’t know if I could have survived being homeless because although I am strong I don’t think I am tough in that way. God gave me what I needed and I was blessed to be arrested at the perfect time, protecting me from myself and my addiction. It was all part of his plan for my life and looking back I can see the fingerprints of God.  I never would have thought I would thank God for being arrested but I do all the time.