He changes us from the inside out

Melanie and I were talking the other night and she made a suggestion. I trust Melanie completely and value her input and opinions so I took her ideas to heart and am going to act on them. Mel has come to hear me speak many times and I appreciate that so much. She has said she never gets tired of hearing my story but she thinks I need to add to it.  I don’t go into much detail about some of the things that have happened in the last couple of years namely my marriage and my weight loss. So I am going to begin to share and blog about these subjects one at a time and I will begin with my weight loss.

Melanie said I need to share about this because I lost a SIGNIFICANT amount of weight starting at the end of 2009 and through the first half of 2010 and that people would be inspired by it. I did a program called SLIM4LIFE and I called them to see if I could get the photo they took when I started the program.  A picture is worth 1000 words so I hope they can find it .I don’t really have any other photos; I refused to let my picture be taken because I was so ashamed. When I first joined Facebook I had no pictures of me up because I was just so very embarrassed.  

 Let me take you back and share my weight history. In school I was always little and never had a weight problem, I might would gain a few pounds but I could always lose them and I stayed quite active. My eating habits were not good though since my mother was usually passed out and I spent so much time alone. I would usually go get fast food. I never really learned to cook or anything but I always had money so I would just go out to eat at places like: McDonalds, Jack in the Box, Wendy’s, Burger King, Taco Inn, Arby’s Taco Bueno, Taco Bell, etc. I could tell you my favorites from all those places back in the late 70’s, it was kind of an adventure when I would decide where I would eat each night because some of these places were kind of far from my home but it was a way I passed the time and got out of the house so I wouldn’t feel so lonely.

After mother died I was probably the skinniest I had ever been as I prepared for my trip to Hawaii but by the end of the summer I began to pack on the pounds.  Where I had felt lonely before mother’s death after her death I just felt desolate and so very isolated because I was in that house by myself. I guess I ate to comfort myself. I think by the end of that first year at Eastfield I had probably gained 30 pounds, I’m not sure but I had gained a lot.

Not long after that I went to live with Kathey where I began to eat a lot healthier and as I felt better about myself and my situation some of the weight came off. It was just so nice to feel loved. I still wasn’t as thin as I wanted to be so I ended up going to a diet doctor and getting some diet pills ( this is where I was first introduced to speed of any kind and I really liked it, I didn’t have a problem taking it because it was prescribed by a doctor. This act and attitude opened the door that would lead to my drug abuse, it can start so innocently.) The weight dropped off really fast and my last couple of years of college I was thin and felt good about my appearance again.

Weight issues are a difficult situation: when people feel bad about themselves they can turn to food for comfort but as they put on weight they feel worse about themselves and the weight gain can spiral out of control just like any addiction.

I gained weight when I had my kids and it was hard to lose that so I stayed a little heavy but it wasn’t out of control, I was just overweight. But as I said weight was always an issue.

In 1996 when we moved back to the Dallas area and I got my job as a Special Ed Coordinator I went back to a Doctor for diet pills that I found in Rockwall. He was quite liberal with the diet pills and I dropped weight really fast. I felt the best about my appearance than I had in a long time. My job was great, I felt thin, and things were the best they had ever been.

But then Kathey got sick and when I knew she was going to die I not only became a meth addict I got extremely overweight. I guess the food comforted me like it did when mother died and the meth made me feel as if I was invincible. No one would have ever thought I was a meth addict. To this day I don’t understand how I stayed so heavy. I was very overweight and using meth everyday. Maybe my metabolism was out of sorts. But when my life imploded I was struck by the irony that I was a fat meth addict. I couldn’t even find solace in the fact that I was thin. It was almost comical in a bitter sort of way.

Things would get better after I went to rehab where I lost weight and everyone else gained, I think I finally got my body balanced and I felt good. After rehab I relapsed on meth and lost more then I went to prison. In prison I gained and when I got out on parole I was overweight again but I just didn’t care. My weight was the furthest thing from my mind and I just didn’t think I could change it, I didn’t think I had the will power so I just accepted the fact that I was overweight trying to convince myself that some people are just meant to be heavy. Then I accepted Jesus Christ as my savior and HE placed an everlasting hope in my heart and began to change me from the inside out. To be continued……………….

Proverbs 14:12 12 There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death.

I was talking to a friend last night on the phone sharing my incredible week, there were so many opportunities to share God's Grace this past week :)

As I was talking I thought back to speaking to the students at Skyline. Those kids were so polite and respectful to me as I shared my story. No details were left out down to the most humiliating times in prison where I had to strip to nothing and squat and cough in front of a row of guards before cleaning the pig slabs. As I shared the tragic events that led to my addiction and ultimately prison I could see so many of these kids were touched as tears glistened in their eyes and they looked at me with compassion and empathy. Even the toughest boys in that room were moved. This took me a little by surprise because they are teenagers and I never know what to expect when I share with teens.

Again I was just so touched by their attentiveness and respect. After I was done and I went to the library to finish my interview for the Skyline Tribune, the sweet young girl photographing me was in tears telling me she could relate to many parts of my story. I don't know which parts but my heart was broken for her and I just wanted to just reach out and hug her. I looked in her eyes and said if you take anything from my story just don’t do it my way. There is always hope but life is so much easier when you aren’t carrying around two felony convictions and no one wants to go to prison. She smiled as tears rolled down her cheeks and nodded okay. That is my message to kids “Don’t do it my way, Do it God’s way!!”.
Then it reminded me of when I was reaching out to someone who was struggling and had relapsed. I begged him to stop and seek help before he got into legal trouble. He finally listened to me and check into treatment and now he is back on track living in freedom each day. He thanked me for my persistence and agreed that checking himself in for treatment was so much better than sitting in a jail cell with felony charges hanging over his head.

And I have another dear friend that I begged to stop and seek help because he was already on probation. I told him if he continued to use it would eventually end with a new charge and that is what happened. It is only a matter of time before it will all catch up with us. My message again is seek help while it is still your choice and your fate is not going to be determined by a judge or district attorney. It is never to late to start again, we serve a God of second, third, and fourth chances but the sooner we choose to change the better it will be. Our choices determine our consequences.

There is a voice of truth and sometimes it is hard to recognize it in the midst of our pain and addiction. There are many hopes I have with my message but one of the greatest is to help prevent others from going down the same road I did because although I stand in victory and freedom now it has been a long, tough, and winding road . I always had a choice to choose a different path but I didn’t so I am paying the consequences. There are always consequences to our choices, some good, some bad , and some can change your life forever.

Seek out and Listen to the Voice of Truth : )

Connie Moss from HeartBeat Magazine

Connie Moss from Heartbeat Magazine e-published this today, Feb. 2, 2012 -- 

"I want to highlight a particular article this month called, "From Pompons to Prison". A classmate of mine from high school was Head Cheerleader and a very popular student, back in the day... when she graduated, because of life circumstances, she fell into a world of drugs and alcohol, which eventually led her to prison. She has written a "nutshell" from her new book, From Pompons to Prison, for this months issue. Her story truly depicts the love that the Lord has for us as His people. Please check it out and if you would like for her to come speak at your church or school or a function of any kind, there are links and contact information on her page."

Here's the online link to my published article in the magazine. If the link doesn't work, you can visit my picture gallery where I have posted some still frames of the page.

Connie is the Founder/CEO of Heart Beat the Group Online, HeartBeat the Magazine and HeartBeat World Community. Connie is a speaker/motivator and is in the beginning stages of her first book called, “Getting Over Depression… with God”. She lives in Dallas , Texas with her husband, Charlie, and her three children, Bethany, Phillip and Benjamin. She loves to travel with her family and her passion is motivating and empowering people (especially women) to be all they can be in Christ!

Renewal Radio and a powerful memory

Yesterday was a lot of fun as I did the radio interview. The program is called Renewal Radio and it airs daily for 15 minutes Monday-Friday.  One guest is featured each week  and Dr. Getz unfolds their story on the air through an interview and then he applies Biblical Principles to Live By through the story. That was my understanding. I really don’t know how it will come together because there will be a lot of work that doesn’t include me. Dr. Getz had contacted me through the website after reading the article in the Dallas Morning News. He asked for a summary of my story and some video clips of me sharing which I sent to him. After going over my information he decided to do a program on God’s Redemption in my life. We then set the interview for Wed. Feb. 1 @ 3. Luckily I was able to have someone cover the model for a couple of hours.

As I stated yesterday I had a rough morning and was feeling out of sorts but by the time I arrived at the studio I was feeling better. It is amazing how prayer and soaking in the presence of the Lord can help plus a quick stop at Starbucks always puts a smile on my face : )

Thank goodness for Iphones and the GPS/maps they have because that guided me to my destination. As I pulled into the office parking lot which is part of Chase Oaks church I looked up the hill at the actual church and remembered my very first speaking engagement for a Seed Sowers banquet  back in March of 2010. The banquet was held in that building. Melanie had attended the banquet to support me (as always) and brought a flip camera and recorded that presentation which we uploaded onto Facebook the next day. That 15 minute video was the first time many of my facebook friends heard my story or what had happened, I was amazed at the outpouring of love and support from my childhood friends.

It was kind of hard for me but after a little thought  I told Melanie to just post it : ))  She texted me later that day because I was working and said “Susan, you’re not going to believe all the comments on the video” I was so very touched . Those were my thoughts as I stepped into the building and told the receptionist I was there to see Dr. Gene Getz.

Dr. Getz came to meet me and grabbed my hand warmly and showed me back to the radio studio. He was so very kind and told me he was amazed by my story. After settling in at the table with the mic and headphones Dr. Getz went to do a few things before we started and his producer came out to brief me on what would take place. Having never been on radio or in a radio station my only reference to pull from was Peri on Frasier. ( She was the producer of Frasier’s radio show )  David was the producer's name and he was so very nice too. He got me some water and I told him I was scared I was going to sound too Texan/Country but he said I would be fine and when I put on the headphones I would be able to hear myself. Taking a sip of water I relaxed a little and said a prayer for God to speak through me and for his message to shine.

Dr. Getz then returned and sat down and we began the interview. He knew my story well and had done his research so in a way he was telling my story and I was adding detail. I have never been in that position before where I heard my life through  someone else’s voice. As he talked about the suicides( David, my dad’s best friend, and my grandfather ), the alcoholism of my mom and dad, mother’s death, Kathey’s death, my addiction, prison, then the death of Sammy’s friend Alex I was in tears and my heart was broken. It is hard to explain the impact it had on me. I was just so sad for the little wounded girl within me and what she went through, it was almost like it was someone else.

It is so hard to describe the emotions I was feeling. But then we talked about my salvation and accepting Jesus Christ as my Savior and I began to smile through those tears because of what I have overcome through my relationship with Jesus Christ. I survived because of HIM. We ended the interview with the end of my father’s life and that amazing moment on Oct. 9, 2010 when I led him to the Lord and he himself accepted Jesus Christ as his Savior and then his death on Dec. 13, 2010.

 

Dr. Gene Getz and I after the interview. I also got an amazing Bible :)

Dr. Getz said I had such a tragic story and that he was amazed that I survived and was living in the freedom that Jesus provides. He said many would have laid it down or given up but I was now standing in victory. He then asked me if I ever thought about ending it all and I told him one time I came very close and I will share that moment because ironically enough I told this story to the students at Skyline the day before as well. I thought the program was over but when I finished sharing this part of my story Dr. Getz asked David if he got that (what I had just shared) on tape and he said yes. He said they would probably try and use it because it was so powerful. I will share it with you, I have shared it before but some of you may have not read it.

Let’s go back to April 24, 2001: I was all alone in a motel room off 635 and Ferguson, sitting on the edge of the bed. Crying with my head held between my hands contemplating what to do next. There were so many voices whispering in my ear telling me I was horrible, a murderer, a loser, and a failure. These criticizing voices were overwhelming and I thought it might be better for everyone if I was gone. I was just so scared and I missed Kathey so badly.

It had been a very long weekend and I was basically “on the run.” My kids were gone (thankfully CPS turned them over to my husband’s parents), my husband was locked up with no chance for bond, and I was too scared to call my Dad.  I was all alone in a motel room not knowing what to do. It was the most desperate and alone I think I have ever felt in my life.

I had been calling in sick to work and I knew I had to do something because I couldn’t continue doing nothing. Finally I mustered up the courage and called the GISD benefits office. To this day I can’t remember who I talked to but she was an angel sent from God. Crying, I told her I was a teacher in the district,  in a lot of trouble with the police , on drugs, and  I didn’t know what to do (as I type this I am crying so hard because I can still feel the pain, desperation, and fear I felt at that time). She told me, in the kindest gentlest voice, to calm down because that is what she was there for. She suggested I check into Baylor Richardson Hospital to be assessed, reminding me that I had insurance that I should access. She told me things were going to get better and asked that I please not do anything drastic. I think she was crying too because she was so scared for me and what I might do.  She then offered to call my principal and tell him what was happening. Relief flooded my body because she didn’t judge me, she didn’t think I was horrible, she just knew I was in trouble and needed help. I needed her and her reaction that day.

To be honest I don’t know what I would have done if she had been judgmental. I never thought I would consider suicide because I saw what my brother’s suicide did to my family but I was WITHOUT HOPE that day and I couldn’t see a way out.  I didn’t want people to see the real me and what I had become. I was covered in shame and did not feel I could face anyone. But she looked past all that and treated me with love and respect. I have thought about her often and her impact on my life that day, it was huge.

I have always hoped to treat everyone I come into contact with the way she treated me, I fail sometimes but the memory of the despair I felt that morning  is always close to my heart and when she treated me with love and acceptance it gave me hope. Isn’t it amazing how a little kindness and love changed a potentially tragic situation? It takes so little to be loving and kind. I took her advice and drove straight to Baylor Richardson.

I parked my Silver Toyota Camry and took a deep breath.  My car was a mess because I had basically been on the run, going from motel to motel. I had not been back to my home since the drug bust so throughout the weekend I had to buy clothes, personal hygiene products, etc. I had to buy everything because I had walked out of that school on April 19^thwith only my purse. So I sat in my car mustering up the courage to walk in to that hospital and say I was a drug addict, I had never admitted that before that day. As I looked through my car I picked up the plastic baggie that had the traces of Meth I had left and just stared at it. 

Thoughts began to bombard my mind: “do the rest of the drugs”, “go ride around and finish what you have then come back” to “throw the drugs away and check into that hospital”.  Again I took a deep breath and put the baggie into a paper sack I had from McDonalds and got out of my car. Slowly I walked to a trash can and looked at the bag one last time then shoved it into the trash, turning quickly I ran into the emergency room. Breaking down into tears I told the lady in the admissions that I was a drug addict and I needed help. I was admitted into the hospital and assessed. I was sent to the fourth floor which was for patients dealing with substance abuse issues as well as mental problems. I was so scared but I was also relieved, in a way I had finally surrendered.

I spent three days there. We participated in groups, attended AA meetings, and listened to speakers who came to share their stories, many of the patients on the floor had severe mental problems and for the first time in a long time I felt a little hope because my problems didn’t seem as severe as some of the people I met there.

I also shared this part of my story with the students at Skyline. As I walked the halls of the school there were many posters about Rachel's Challenge and I just believed this story of being kind and accepting would fit right in with Rachel's Challenge. I encouraged the students to treat everyone with kindness because you never know what someone else is going through. They may have smile on their face that is covering the pain in their heart or they may be acting out,  but sometimes we just never know what is going on in someone's life and as I said  "It takes so little to be loving and kind".  It is an attitude that we can all choose to have and you never know when you may change a potentially tragic situation by saying a kind word.

I know, it happened to me.

A sweet e-mail and a sad healing memory

 There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away. (Revelation 21:4 NKJV)

I got the sweetest e-mail from a childhood friend’s mother yesterday.  Many of you know Todd Hall; this was from his mother Ione. She knew my mother well and she just sent me a note saying my mother was always so proud of me and even in her addiction that pride showed. It made me cry (I am crying now as I write this). It is so nice to hear that because that is all I ever wanted: for them to love me and be proud of me but they just couldn’t express it because of their pain. She also told me she was VERY proud of me and that touched me deeply.

One thing I always remembered about Ione was her helping me after mother died. Kathey had gone back to Panhandle and daddy to the lake. That left me alone in the house on Van Pelt. Friends had brought food and Ione helped me return the dishes. I didn’t know what to do because I just didn’t have any instruction in that area, thinking the masking tape on each dish with the name written on it was just to tell me who brought what. I was a little clueless.

She was so nice because it had been awhile since momma died and she stopped by to help me and taught me a basic etiquette. I felt ashamed and guilty that I had not returned the dishes but she was so nice when I felt so lost and alone.  Her e-mail made me think about momma and a time when I missed her terribly. It is a very sad memory but very significant to my journey. I think I may go visit momma and David today. Grove Hill is so very peaceful.  

First I will share my memory.  Let’s go back to late fall of 2000. My life was spiraling out of control and I was about to crash and burn. But God led me to my momma; I know he did because there is no other explanation. Grove Hill is HUGE and sadly I didn’t have a clue to where she was buried. Let’s go back...

Things were falling apart in the fall of 2000: I had let the insurance lapse on my car, my car was totaled with no means to replace it, we were evicted from the house we were living in because we weren’t paying the rent, and I was asked to leave the district where I had worked. Addiction changes people and their personalities so total dysfunction and chaos ruled my home.

A day that has always stood out in my mind was a morning that I was driving with my husband down I-30. He had gotten a possession charge a few months earlier and was serving 30 days in the Dallas County Jail. He was released during the day for work even though he wasn’t working. I had just picked him up from Decker (the work release detention facility).

We were fighting horribly,addiction had ruined our relationship.  He was mad because I had done a lot of our drugs the night before and the fight had turned physical. As we passed the Lawnview exit I decided to get out of the car because I was scared he would really hurt me, I just had to get out. As I opened the door my husband slowed down and began to pull over screaming at me to stop, not sure of what I was going to do. When he slowed down enough where I could get out I jumped out of the car and started running.

Tears were streaming down my face and I was just felt so very lost and alone. I ran into Grove Hill Cemetery and decided to look for my mother and brother’s site, I didn’t have a clue where they were buried but I needed to find them desperately. I needed my momma. I ran up and down rows looking for the DeFace name. Amazingly I found them and that was amazing because Grove Hill is huge! After finding the markers with their names I just threw myself down on my mother’s site crying my heart out.

Crying for the mother I missed so badly and never really knew in life. Crying for the girl I had been with hopes and dreams, for the little girl who had been so neglected, and for the sad addicted woman I had become. I knew my life was out of control but I didn’t have the tools or the strength to make the changes I needed to turn it around.

I will never forget that moment of sheer desperation and total helplessness. I know God led me to my mother giving me one more chance to reach out but I couldn’t. Maybe my selfish pride prevented me from admitting what I had become so I just stood up wearily brushing the grass off my clothes. I looked back and saw my husband parked watching me, he was crying too.

As I walked to the car he said that was the saddest thing he have ever seen, me running through the cemetery looking for my dead mother.  Not knowing how to respond I just got into the car and leaned back, exhausted from the experience.  Sadly we returned home to do more drugs.