Alexis Rose Washington June 7, 2012 ( A little later still )

I love her beautiful green eyes and this shows her spunk :)

Mustering up all the strength and courage that I could I began to walk down that stark white hall again, the memories that surfaced in my mind were of the recurring nightmare I had after mother died . David and Mother were in clown makeup chasing me down a stark endless hall ( it was my home on Van Pelt) accusing me of being a killer and a horrible person. I shook my head and rebuked that thought. I was not alone as I felt  I was when I was18 and found my  mother dead on that fateful Memorial Day. On June 7, 2012 I was surrounded by people who loved me , people who were demonstrating God’s love and grace at an unbearable time. People I was living life with , people who I had deep connections with through relationship and my church.  I felt HIS presence and took a deep breath.  She was in the last room on the right. Jeff and Jill were hugging me and I’m not sure who else was there but the nurse opened the door and I closed my eyes for a moment bracing myself. The sheet was pulled over her head and they went to pull it down reminding me they couldn’t clean her up until the medical examiner came. I opened my eyes and looked at my baby who had been so full of life and such a fighter. Her face was perfect except for the blood and there was a tube in her throat. I honestly don’t recall how I reacted and I couldn’t believe she was gone because she just looked perfect. I’m not sure where the blood had come from but I don’ think there was even a scratch on her ( which is a miracle because they wouldn’t even let me see the car because it was so mangled, but John who got her things out of the car said there was just a little space around the driver’s side uninterrupted.) I didn’t pull the sheet down to look at her body though. I’m thinking I hugged her.  After awhile I wanted to leave the room and we returned to the little place that was now “our room” . By this time the Jensen’s had arrived ( they are the ones who lost their son Alex in a skiing accident ) Warner and his parents. It was heartbreaking looking at the brokenness in my husband. Hailey and Sammy were still so upset and I was just in a fog so I really only know this from my perspective. At moments I would run to them kneeling before them grabbing there knees saying we are going to be okay with as much strength as I could , sometimes I think it came out as a question pleading for their confirmation.  And at times I was  immersed in my own grief.

At one point I screamed I wanted a cigarette and Sammy looked up sharply and screamed “NO” I could see the fear in his eyes that  a cigarette might lead to alcohol and that might lead to meth.  Even though I really wanted one I said okay and he looked so relieved. It was so heart wrenching to not be able to relieve my children's  pain. Hailey and Sammy just kept saying “no” and how they wanted to talk to her again. All I could do was hug them and assure them we would get through this somehow.

Alexis’ dad answered the medical examiners questions and then there was nothing else to do at the hospital . We needed to move on and begin to plan the arrangements for our baby.  Before we left the hospital we decided on Monday evening because Lynn let me know that Keith was going to be out of town that weekend. One thing I knew is I wanted my pastor Keith Spurgin to lead this service. I picked 7 o’clock and felt a little peace that a decision had been made.  I had to see Alexis one more time even though they told me they would let me see her cleaned up I just had to hug her . On some level I think I was scared they might lose her or something and I wouldn’t get the chance to see her again so I went in the room . Again I’m not sure if Sammy, Hailey, and Warner went. I think they did. My only memory is of Warner crying saying “he didn’t want to see her that way” but I think he did. I only knew I had to. I kissed her cheek and brushed back her hair with my hand. I then thought about the James Avery ring I had given her for graduation 2 years ago and I pulled back the sheet a little to see if there was a ringon her finger but there wasn’t .  She had her James Avery Cross necklace and a belly button ring they had put in an envelope. On her ear in the cartilage area there was a bar thing and I guess they couldn’t get that out , not sure what that is called.

We all then left the hospital and Jill offered her home as a place to meet. Jill is an angel from God. Jill drove me and we left the car I was driving there, she said John and Johnny would get it, Keith drove Warner, Jake drover Warner’s car, Shelby drove my Sammy, and Tony drove Hailey and sweet Kendall Grace.  As Jill and I left the parking lot she knew I needed Starbucks so we headed there and I got 2 Venti Skinny Caramel Lattes and we headed to Wylie. I was still having trouble processing exactly where the accident happened for some reason I thought it was near South Fork but then learned it was closer to Wylie so I asked Jill if she would show me where, she knew exactly where it was . So we headed toward the site.

Alexis loved life and treasured all living things : people, animals ( even insects),and from her journal I know she loved GOD

June 7th , 2012- Alexis Rose ( a little later)

Sammy’s facial expression of concern as he walked in will forever be etched on my mind.  He looked imploringly at me and asked “How is she”. I began to cry and said she is gone. He screamed  “NO” and began to fall apart. Shelby was right behind him and said “No , NO, NO” and we all cried together. This is where it gets all confusing.  I think I called Mel to tell her Alexis had died and I think I called Jill also. I just remember Jill was there , Sammy, Shelby, then my Hailey arrived. Jeff , my boss, had also come and he was a great support to me.  It was just a horrible moment of grief, gut wrenching cries as we clung to each other. Warner was on his way and I think he knew, Not sure on that. Everything was a blur. My pastor Keith was there, Jake the youth pastor, Lynn the equipping pastor and my dear friend Patti Ramsey and Angela who is like a daughter to me.. As I said this was all a blur. All I knew is I wanted to see my baby, I felt as if I had to see her. The nurse was trying to prepare me because there was a lot of blood but I didn’t care  We began to walk down the hall to the room Alexis was in and I began to slow down. Fear started to rise within me and I didn’t know if I could take it. The nurse  and Jill hugged me and said I didn’t need to see her if I felt I couldn’t . So I decided to wait and returned to the little room where we were all gathered.

The next thing that happened or at least I believe happened was Two DPS Officers who arrived on the scene wanted to talk to me so we went to another room. At this time it was Me, Jill, and my Pastor Keith. They said Alexis was traveling at a high rate of speed and lost control on the curve, as she  overcorrected she veered into the oncoming traffic and a red 350 Dodge truck impacted her on the passenger side. She went into the grass by the cabinet shop and I think died instantly. If I am correct they said she was revived briefly but the damage was too severe. I asked the troopers about the man who was driving the truck wondering if he was injured and they said his knees were hurt a little but that was it. Thankful he was okay I asked them to tell him not to feel guilty, it was just a tragic accident. I never want anyone to feel guilty . We then returned to the room and I decided to go see my Rosebud, this time I would make it there. I just had to see her

June 7, 2012- Alexis Rose Washington

There are moments which mark your life. Moments that you realize nothing will ever be the same. And time is divided into two Parts: Before this and  after this.

This saying has fit my life so many time but never more than now. As I was praying this morning and crying out to God in my pain he told me to write, he told me to journal. He reminded me of all the Healing that has happened through my writing for me and for others. That touched my heart so I am going to process about the morning of June 7 and share my experience.

I had left for work about 8:30 and decided to stop at Wal-Mart in Rowlett to buy these new Rembrandt whitening dissolving strips for my teeth, lip liner, and some sweet mint Orbit gum. I ran into the store and left my phone in the car. After buying the items I went back to the car and surprisingly didn’t think about my phone. ( Normally I have my phone on a charger and connected to my stereo so I can listen to my Itunes but since my car broke down I am borrowing a car and had just basically set the phone under the dash )  As I started to drive off I could hear the vibration of my phone because I had it on silent so I grabbed it and saw it was a  469 number and answered. A man asked to speak to Susan Washington and I immediately thought he was a sales person or a creditor so I lied and said there wasn’t a Susan Washington. He asked again if I was her and I said “No, who is this ?” and he said the Wylie Police Department.   That caught me off guard because it was a 469 number and  not a 972-442 number but I said “Oh I am Susan Washington I just thought you were a creditor or sales person “ and then he asked if I had a daughter named Alexis Washington. My mind started to race just random thoughts thinking she might have gotten in trouble or something but it was 8:30 so thoughts just kept bombarding my mind. He then said she was in a car accident and had been transported to the hospital and I asked if she was okay. He said he arrived on the scene after  she left but that it was a bad accident. I freaked out and he kept asking if I was okay and I said yes. We hung up and I called Melanie and I know she could hear the fear in my  voice. She wanted me to call Ramonne or Cheri to drive me but I was already on my way so I just overlooked that. I asked her to call Jeff , my boss, and tell him because I work alone on Thursdays so there would be no one to open the model.  We hung up and I was trying to figure out where the hospital was , I just couldn’t remember.  I normally don’t go toll roads but did that day ( I need to tell Ramonne because he will have Zip Cash charges ). I called Sammy and spoke to him telling him I didn’t know how she was but to meet me at the hospital, I called Hailey but didn’t reach her, then called Warner and told him telling him I would call when I got there. My mind was still racing and I began to wonder how she was transported. I had to know. So I called the police back and asked if she was transported by ambulance or helicopter and he replied ambulance. For some reason that made me think she was okay because if it was really bad they would have called Care Flight. So in a way I kind of felt peace that she was okay.  As I drove on I called Angela because I knew I had taken her to see her dad at the Medical Center Plano ( I think)  and I thought it was at 15^th and Coit.  I just wasn’t processing good and wasn’t sure about this hospital. Lastly I called Jill , I didn’t get her but she called right back and I told her Alexis was in a car wreck, she asked if it was on Parker and I said “Yes why do you know that?”  Her housekeeper had come upon it and I asked what she said and I don’t remember how she replied but she protected me because she knew I was driving. Finally I arrived at the hospital and frantically tried to find the emergency room.  After asking directions I sped to the parking lot and parked. The security guard who patrolled came and yelled at me to slow down and I told him I was sorry  breaking down into tears. Then I ran into the ER and asked to see my daughter that I had been told she was transported there. They told me to walk through the doors. I went through  and started looking for Alexis but they stopped me and told me to go sit in this room and that a nurse would be with me in a moment. I kept screaming is she okay and they just said a nurse would be with me. I was freaking out and alone, I have always been alone when my loved ones died  and I was with them : with mother, daddy, and now Alexis. I was told of Kathey’s death over the phone.  So I  paced in this little room waiting for the nurse who came in and said a doctor needed to  speak to me. My heart stopped for a second and I think I screamed. People in the waiting room told someone they hoped I was okay because I was screaming. I don’t recall that. But I just waited for the doctor and it seemed like an eternity.  He came in and asked me to sit down. He told me the wreck was really bad and they lost her at the scene but I think he said they got her heart beat back for awhile ( I was hopeful again) but he said the internal injuries were too severe and she was gone. I am sure that is when I screamed.  My phone went off with a text from Sammy saying he was there. And I didn’t know how I was going to tell him Alexis was gone. They were so close in age there was a twin like connection. So  again I just waited for my baby to come to me. Then Hailey started calling and I ignored her calls knowing I needed to tell Tony’s mother . I couldn’t say this to Hailey over the phone.l think I screamed again not knowing what to do just waiting for my Sammy who I needed so desperately but I did not want to deliver this news. It is just surreal.

  

There is always hope even in your darkest hour (s) !!

Ten years ago on June 5,2002  I got pulled over at LBJ and La Prada in Dallas, Texas . The end result of that traffic stop was the possession charge that revoked my probation and sent me to prison . As I said in my recent blogs my life had deteriorated at such a fast rate from my relapse a few weeks earlier. As the cops went to their car to run my license I knew I would be searched so I tried to eat part of the drugs I had . It was hard but I succeeded.

Although the baggies got stuck in my throat I was finally able to swallow them. As they went down the reality set in that I could OD on all these drugs. I had just left the dealer and had all kinds of drugs , I had meth for me and pills and coke that I got for someone else. I ingested a lot and what I didn't eat resulted in a state jail felony. I was really scared because I didn't want to die but I didn't want to tell the cops I ate the evidence either so I just remained silent .

God protected me again, that is the conclusion I have come to is God had a hedge of protection around me during those weeks of insanity : when I ran out of gas in Lindale and was scared of the truck driver, when I crashed my car the day of the bus accident , and when I ate a bunch of drugs. He kept me alive for HIS purpose and has been preparing me since I accepted him 7 years ago;))

I know I still have so far to go but I look how far he has brought me and how he has changed me from the inside out and I want to serve him sharing all he has done in for me. He has performed some amazing miracles in my life and I want to tell of the things he has done!!! I want to be like Isaiah who said " Here I am, Send me" when the Lord asked  " Whom shall I send? And who will go for us? I want the Lord to use me ~!!! 

Isaiah 6:8

Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, “Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?” And I said, “Here I am. Send me!”

I was very messed up , making some horrible choices but he stilled loved me and wants to use me. No matter what you have done , He loves you too and has a purpose for your life . There is always hope and it is never too late to change. I am living proof of what HE can do and there is so much yet to come. Loving life and can't wait to see what he has for me:)) As I look at my mug shot below , I appear  desperate but today I am a new person overflowing with hope. That is what a relationship with him can do.

Addiction- A snowball effect

As I said previously between May 26,2002 and July 18.2002 my life was spiraling out of control, the chain of events that happened had a snowball effect and I was lucky to make it through. Well of course I know it wasn't luck, it was God's sovereighnty.  During my year of sobriety from April 24.2001 to probably the middle of May 2002 I had gotten my life together basically. I had lost weight  ( remember I was probably the only fat meth addict ever ) and I felt really healthy. The problem was I was only healthy  on the outside, and still not healed on the inside. It was as if I put a bandaid on my wound (the addiction) instead of trying to get to the source of the bleeding ( the root of my problems) which ran very deep. I attended a lot of AA meetings throughout the year and I loved the program although I didn't work it to the full extent because I wasn't ready to go there yet. I was scared about what I would find if I dug too deep.

I put a bandaid on my addiction and a smile on my face believing that if I was sober nothing  bad would ever happen again.  I was setting myself up for a huge let down with those unrealistic expectations and I should have known because I had done this repeatedly in my life. (When Kathey got sick and we knew it was terminal I refused to believe she would actually die. In my thwarted way of thinking there was a scoreboard in my head and I thought "I have already lost a brother and mother tragically, God will not take Kathey. It isn't fair !!  I have many friends who have lost no one, He won't take Kathey.  The score is 2 - O when comparing myself with many people I knew !!!"  As the reality set in and Kathey's life dwindled away I  was hurt even worse because of my expectations and beliefs.  My drug use increased because I was hurt worse because of this let down but I was let down because of my thinking.  As I quoted before " You don't think your way into a new kind of living, you live your way into a new kind of thinking " My thinking has caused me so many problems which has made the real problems worse.

After over a year sober it was just a matter of time until I would relapse because I didn't change my way of  thinking. My thinking was very simplistic and child like " If I am clean and sober I will have the perfect life " The first time imperfection set in I was hugely let down. The abuse by my father , the loss of my teaching certificate , and the ramificactions of being a felon were a slap in my face because I had this idea that all would be perfect and of course nothing is ever perfect and I didn't have God.

The relapse came after I was fired as a substitute teacher because of my felony drug charges, I was shocked and dismayed by what I perceived as a personal rejection. My father's abuse became more frequent after my firing and I felt defeated. I disregarded everything I learned in reahab and went to see my drug dealer "friend" promising myself I wouldn't use, that I just wanted to see how he was. I wasn't there 5 minutes before I was using. Then the snowball gathered speed.

Yesterday I share about June 24 and today I am going to share about May 26,2002. It was another incident on I-20 in Lindale Texas. Not sure whats up with heading west on I-20 from Kilgore, Texas but these events have had a lasting effect and what is so strange is that I kind of forgot about them until recently.  God has brought them to the surface of my mind for some reason and as I process the events in my life I receive more clarity when I write about it so let's go back to May 26, 2002. Sorry I am not a chronological kind of girl but this event was just a few weeks before the simultaneous accidents on June 24. Things were crazy in this time period absolutely nuts !!!

It was Sunday May 26, 2002, the day before Memorial Day ( of course ). I was back to using daily . I had gone to Kilgore to see a friend from rehab who I had relapsed with ( he is now serving 12 years because he couldn't stay clean, just a bunch of small possession charges, I just wrote him a letter and went to visit him at Dawson trying to encourage him)

Anyway I left to drive back to Rockwall . I needed gas but put it off and ran out in Lindale off of I-20 and  saw no station in sight so I began to walk ( I have been clean almost 10 years and in that time I haven't run out of gas once , literally or figuratively :)) while on drugs I ran out all the time literally and figuratively . I even fell asleep at my desk in class and my students woke me up and asked if it was nap time!!!)))) 

After I had been walking awhile a man in an 18 wheeler pulled over . Excited about help I approached the truck but when he opened the door my heart skipped a beat and I was scared . He was rough looking and said get in, even in my altered state my gut told me I was in trouble. Looking around skittishly I didn't know what to do. Impatiently he said get in again and at that moment a DPS officer pulled up and asked if there was a problem. Not sure what to do because I had drugs on me but I was very scared of the man  in the truck so I told the trooper I ran out of gas and went with him. I was so nervous after getting gas he asked if he could search my car because I was acting suspicious. I predicted that would happen so I had the drugs on me and was able to dispose of them but I didn't get rid of my pipe and some basically empty baggies. He issued me a paraphernalia ticket. I left shaking but  when I got back to Rockwall I went and got more drugs .

God saved me that day and tried to warn me with that ticket to get back on the right path but I chose the path of self destruction . Not sure what would have happened if I got in that truck with that man but the red flags were flying frantically and I chose to go with an officer while on probation for manufacturing meth, high, and with drugs on me so I was extremely  scared . That decision may have very well saved my life. It would be the next week on June 5 that I would get pulled over and get the  possession charge that revoked my probation that ultimately sent me to prison. Thank God I went to prison, I really mean that. I think prison scared me straight keeping me clean just long enough for God to get through to me .After I opened the eyes of my heart to the Lord , he began the intense healing that I so desparately needed and that continues today.

God certainly works in mysterious ways and I'm thankful knowing  he intervened that day.  And what seemed  bad ( getting a ticket) was actually a blessing in disguise as prison was. It was all part of His plan.  Another part of my journey visiting places where I was in bondage and defeat now standing in the victory and freedom that only he provides:)