Alexis and Riley

Each test came out as positive as the one before and the realization sunk in that I had a pregnant 15 year old daughter.  Selfish thoughts immediately began to bombard my mind: “what will people think of me? I’ve been to prison, am a recovering drug addict, and now I have a pregnant 15 year old” to the worst one of all “we can get an abortion, pretend it never happened, and no one will ever know.”  That thought stopped me in my tracks because it was the way I had learned to deal with everything from the time I was ten years old and my brother committed suicide. 

It was a thought pattern ingrained so deeply I had to be intentional to change it. My whole life I had dealt with things by locking them away and pretending they didn't happen, and we know where that got me. So I captured those evil thoughts and brought them into obedience declaring that is not who I am anymore! I don’t hide in fear from the truth, I face the truth head on.

Thankfully I found out Alexis was pregnant on a Wednesday afternoon and I had hometeam that night. I had begun leading a hometeam at New Hope and many of us were in recovery. That night after a time of praise and worship I looked at this group of about 15-20 people and said I had something to say. Tearing up I confessed that I just learned my 15 year old daughter was pregnant. 

As with every trial before that I confessed to my church family I was surrounded with love and support. Amazingly I was told of different people at my church who had the same experience and chose different options: one kept the baby and another put her baby up for adoption. The couple I reached out to for advice were respected leaders in our church and had experienced this years before. The shame that the enemy was trying to trap me in immediately left and I had hope, I didn’t feel alone. Again what the enemy mean for evil God brought good from.

Alexis made the choice to keep her baby and we said we would support her decision. (I cannot imagine life without Riley now, I just can't, I love her with all my heart and she has brought such joy to our family) My oldest daughter Hailey was so scared that the kids at school would be mean to Alexis, making fun of her. I don't know if that happened or not. Alexis is a pretty tough girl so she never mentioned it.

What I remember the most is how she took care of herself being sure to eat healthy food, putting ear phones on her stomach and playing Beethoven, and sewing blankets, dolls, and pillows for her unborn baby. Her care didn't stop when Riley was born on June 25, 2008. She chose to nurse Riley because she had learned that was best for her baby. I thought she might stop when she started her junior year in the fall but NO , Alexis took a pump to school and would go to the nurses office throughout the day so she could continue to nurse Riley. She did that until January.

I am still amazed by that :) I remember her saying that she wished the bag for the pump was more stylish:) I told her I didn't think they would design breast pumps for teenagers :) I don't want to sugarcoat anything because it has been extremely hard and there have been many ups and downs for Alexis. But she has strength and I know she will be okay. When I am scared for her I always think of dropping her off at school (her DL was put on hold for awhile)  her junior year and her jumping out of the car with a backpack on one arm and the breast pump on the other, running into the building or taking her to youth group at church when Riley was an infant and Alexis dropping her off in the nursery while she went to youth. Deep down in my heart I know Alexis will make it. She has such strength and I am not sure where it comes from but I am so thankful she has it.

Today Alexis is working at a church in Allen and building a life for her and Riley. She has made some poor choices along the way but has taken the initiative to accept the consequences and deal with them. God has a great plan for Alexis, I don’t know what it is but I know it is full of hope and promise.

At Christmas this year as we were eating dinner Riley broke out into a song she made up. The words were basically "It's a lovely day , It's a Shine"  Each time I watch this video I see the light within her. As I look at her sweet innocence her words "It's a Shine" bring a light and smile to my face :))  It inspires me to shine for Jesus. Let's all go out and shine today :)) God is so good and will bring good out of everything .

Even if you are in the midst of despair and trials  there is hope, just look for his LIGHT and many times we find that HEALING light in others.

Jeremiah 29:11

New International Version (NIV)

11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

My Rosebud

Alexis and her baby girl Riley !! 2010 Wylie High School Graduate !!

A few days ago I shared about my Hailey and today  I want to share about my Alexis  Rose. When I named Hailey I really wanted to name her Bailey but Warner argued with me about that being a name, he said it was an Irish whiskey and cream based liqueur and not a name for a girl. In hindsight it was probably best I gave in on this one with the history of addiction and alcoholism in our families we needed to steer clear of names referring to alcohol and especially names referring to meth like Crystal : )))  ( I love the name Crystal : ) I am really just trying to be funny:)

When I got pregnant with Alexis I knew I wanted to name her something with Alex in it. My mother’s maiden name was Alexander and I wanted to use that somehow and my mother’s name was Rosemary so I knew I wanted to use Rose. We decided on Alexis Rose because I thought Alexandria Rose Washington was just toooo much. My plans were to call her Alex.  I loved Alex for a girl and when she was born she was our little Rosebud.

Alexis was a little spit fire of a baby and very beautiful. She was born on Feb. 29, 1992 and we knew she would be special. Everything surrounding her birth was special. My husband had left on Friday night Feb.28 1992  to go pick up Chinese Food and while he was gone my water broke. In a panic I called my sister but there was no answer and I called all my teacher friends to try to find someone to watch Hailey. No one was at home that Friday night.  Scared because I was alone I called the Chinese restaurant and asked them to find my husband and let me speak to him. Minutes later he was on the line and said he would come home . Crying I told him I didn’t know what to do because Kathey wasn’t home. He said we would figure it out. I started packing a bag for me and Hailey and waited for Warner. Later I saw his headlights pull into our driveway and I was shocked to see Kathey sitting with him in the truck and Carl my brother in law in the car behind. As Warner was leaving the restaurant he looked over and saw my sister eating there !! This was the first time Kathey and Carl had ever eaten at that restaurant !  Now Amarillo is not big city like Dallas but it is still quite large.I believe that was a God thing. I needed Kathey, she was my rock and anchor. Just her presence was calming and I felt peace in my heart when she was near. Warner then took me to the hospital and Kathey took Hailey to Panhandle. Alexis was born hours later.

 People would comment on what a beautiful baby she was and she was full of energy. Where Hailey had been laid back  Alexis was anything but. By nine months she was figuring ways to climb out of the crib. She would hold the side and bounce as high as possible. The only way I can describe it , is she did some sort of vault to get out. I put cushions by the crib because I was so scared she would get hurt. You had to always keep your eyes on Alex.

Alexis hadn’t even turned a year old and I was due with my Sammy. I will never forget on Sammy’s due date which was Feb 8 I called the pediatrician for some more cough medicine for Alexis because the cough she had wouldn’t go away. As I was talking to the nurse she could hear Alex in the background and told me I needed to bring her in. Sighing deeply but not really alarmed I left with Hailey and Alex in tow for the doctor. After arriving at the office we were taken straight back to an examination room as the other waiting patients looked at us angrily. By this point I was a little nervous wondering why we were receiving the VIP treatment. The doctor rushed in and examined Alexis and asked me how long she had been that way. Alexis was smiling and laughing between coughs so I said I didn’t know, I just knew the cough wasn’t’ getting better. The doctor administered a breathing treatment on the spot and called the hospital.  I was instructed to take her there ASAP,  that the situation was critical. Still in shock because Alexis was laughing I gathered up our things and headed to the hospital. At that point I broke down: It was so scary that my baby was critically ill and I didn’t even have a clue, what if I wouldn’t have called the doctor, thoughts like that bombarded my mind, I was due with my third baby and was huge ( in my classroom we would put down tape inside my door and see how far I could stand in my room and my stomach be out the door, it was amazing how far I could be in the room. When my OB would take the tape measure  to measure my stomach in weeks the last visit showed 54 weeks. I WAS HUGE!!!!  I had people tell me I was the biggest pregnant person they ever saw, my stomach stuck straight out. It is hard to describe : )), and I was alone trying to keep up with a four year old and an 11 month old that was deathly ill but felt great wanting to go all over the place. As we walked into the hospital everyone tried to lead me to maternity and I was crying so hard I couldn’t talk. I think Hailey finally told them Alexis was sick.

After getting a hold of Kathey ( my rock ) I felt better , she came to see me and took Hailey home with her. Warner then came when he got off work. Alexis was very sick and spent 4 days in the hospital. I stayed with her during the day and my husband did at night so I could sleep because I could go into labor any minute.  They said it was asthma and they gave her many breathing treatments but she has never suffered another attack. My friend Linda , who I taught school with, said Alexis was just not going to let anyone steal her thunder : )) She knew a new baby was coming and she was going to make sure she got our attention. I think Linda was right.

As Alexis grew she was so very creative. The things she would come up with amazed me. She was and is extremely loyal and loves deeply. She will fight for the rights of anyone she believes is being mis treated. She has no fear !!! She and Sammy were so close in age  ( 11 months apart) they have a deep bond and can relate to each other on levels the rest of us can’t. She could be awfully mean to Sammy too but if anyone else was mean to him when they were very little she would go after them. Of course Sammy grew and could take care of himself but for a short time Alexis was his defender when they were very small. 

School didn’t’ come as easy for Alexis and she was diagnosed with dyslexia but her IQ was VERY high so she could compensate. She was always just so strong willed and adventurous . I remember once Hailey and her friend were having a lemonade stand in Rockwall and they wouldn’t let Alexis participate. So Alexis decided to make her own stand. For some reason Warner  was cooking all these chicken drumsticks , he had bought like two family packages so there were 20 plus at least. Alexis snuck to the grill and took all the drumsticks. She then set up a table on the side of the road and had a drumstick sale. She was so cute holding up the drumsticks  shouting “drumsticks for sale” that her drumstick stand was hit and she made more than Hailey and her friend, now of course our dinner was gone but it was okay we still laugh at the memory.

Another time I remember we got home from Campbell, at this point all the kids were going to school with me and this probably happened during our drug use. We got home and I was locked out of the house. We went around to try every window but nothing was unlocked . I was about to cry when Hailey told me to look on the roof. Alexis who was probably 6 at the time had somehow climbed  up there. She proceeded to tell me she would go down the chimney that if it worked for Santa Claus it could work for her. Screaming I told her “NOOO” because I knew she would do it. She looked at me and pointed her hand out and said “It is a free world and I can do as I please “as dramatically as possible. The dramatics of the situation caused her to sway slightly and then she grabbed the chimney and got scared. Luckily a cable guy was working on a house nearby and brought his ladder and rescued Alexis.

Her heart  is always in the right place but sometimes we just need to channel that energy into more appropriate responses.

Another thing about Alexis is you could never use child psychology on her. We would all be at a store and I would be ready to leave and the kids wouldn’t. In frustration and impatience I would tell them “okay I’m leaving you can stay here “ and start walking out the door . Hailey and Sammy would come running saying don’t leave me Momma hugging me tightly. Alexis would roll her eyes and say “You’re not going to leave me. You might act like you are and you might even go outside but you wouldn’t leave me “ She ALWAYS called my bluff. There was no reverse psychology with her. God gave her a deep wisdom and discernment that I noticed at a very young age..

Alexis has never been a morning person either. The day she graduated from High School I thanked God genuinely that I would never have to get her up again J She is just most productive at night. I couldn’t keep up with her. During the week I would repeatedly tell her to get back in bed but she had so much energy she would get up and start a project. One night I remember I could hear the sound of  duct tape pulling and tearing. It was a continuous sound and I was very curious about what in the world she was up to but I was also VERY tired. I didn’t hear Sammy or Hailey arguing with her so I felt secure that she wasn’t using the duct tape to tape up her brother and sister so I just went to sleep. When I woke up the next morning Alexis was asleep on the couch and beside her on the floor was a pair of shoes and a purse she designed and made out of duct tape.  I picked them up and was just so impressed at her creativity and thinking process. Things would get a lot tougher for Alexis  as she got older.

 To be continued ……………………………………

Update on Saturday, June 9, 2012 at 01:31AM by Susan Washington

I wanted to share this again in the light of My Rosebud's death.  I wrote this blog as a gift to her and I just wanted to share it again.  Thank you for all your support . In Christ,  Susan

Update on Saturday, February 28, 2015 at 11:51AM by Susan Washington

With Alexis' 23rd birthday today I wanted to share this blog again. I wrote this just a few months before she died. So thankful I did that!!

Here I am Send Me

Isaiah 6 :8 Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, “Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?” And I said, “Here am I. Send me! It has been a powerful week for me with so many blessings but it is also somewhat bittersweet. I miss my family. It is during the holidays that I feel the loneliest although I am surrounded by wonderful friends and my children. I think of Christmas’ past : memories of times with Kathey are the most prevalent in my mind.  Holidays are just hard for many of us as we miss those who have passed on but I CHOOSE to be joyful and so very THANKFUL for all that the Lord has done for me and for the birth of our Savior Jesus Christ. Thinking of that is overwhelming. My greatest desire is to be the hands and feet of Jesus and show others HIS love because of what he has done for me. There is always HOPE, ALWAYS!!!! And I want others to know that and experience the love of Jesus. The words of this song sung by Ollie Raper says it better than anything. Chorus: You're the only Jesus that some will ever see 
And you're the only words of life, some will ever read  So let them see in you the One in whom is all they'll ever need  'Cause you're the only Jesus, some will ever see  Verse: 
And if not you, I wonder who, will show them love, 
And love alone can make things new?  If not from you, how will they learn 
there’s one who'll trade their hopelessness and give joy in return? This takes me back to the blessing I received this week which was the greatest gift of all. Not too long ago I was contacted and asked to pray for someone who had relapsed on cocaine after 6 years clean. They had disappeared and been gone for a couple of weeks. My heart was broken for them and their family. I began praying immediately and asked for their phone number so I could try and contact them. That day I started calling and texting. I would send scriptures that the Lord had placed on my heart, encouragement, love, and support. Finally the person called me back in tears and desperation but not ready to surrender. I never QUIT texting and calling and I never changed my attitude. At times I thought I should be harsh maybe because it appeared what I was doing was not working but I just couldn’t . My attitude was I am here for you whenever you are ready: I love you and accept you just where you are. My hopes were dwindling for this situation because there had been no change. We would talk each day with a promise being made to call me back later but then I would hear nothing. But something within me, I am sure it was God working through me, would not let me give up.  Finally one Thursday as I was driving to work I was talking to my new friend, because we were friends now, and it was going in the same direction…………… Nowhere. So I finally said “let’s do it different today PLEASE tell me where you are so I can send someone to get you, You aren’t thinking clearly, let me think for you. I understand how you feel, I was there hopeless in a motel room not too long ago also. Please let me help you, you are worth it. After a long hesitation my new friend told me where they were and I immediately called someone to go get them, later that afternoon they checked into Methodist Richardson. I could led them there because I had just been there visiting another person struggling with addiction a few weeks earlier. I love God and I love that he used me, my heart was joyous over this but there was more to come ……….. On my birthday I rolled out my new website and as I shared earlier I can be emailed through the site. I got an email from my new friend’s adult son. I want to share parts of this letter. This is the Greatest Gift of All, to see the fruit of God in Action :)  Susan, I just wanted to say thank you from the bottom of my heart. I greatly appreciate you being there and never giving up on him through the month of November. He always mentioned you, your daily support and encouragement and how he knew you cared about him every time he would finally answer his cell phone after I would repeatedly text and call his phone every day for hours at a time. Thank you for STAYING by his side and letting him know there are people that won't give up on him and will remain by his side. I know he is so greatly appreciative as am I. Always remember that as you continue your journey of inspiration you not only will inspire others but will encourage them to "Pay it Forward" so they can have an everlasting effect on the lives of others and their loved ones!!! I wish you the best of luck in everything you do!!! This brings tears to my eyes and this is what it is all about. God will use us if we let him . As it says in Isaiah 6 :8 8 Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, “Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?” And I said, “Here am I. Send me! That is what I will continue to say. I have been more blessed by this experience than anyone and I am so thankful God used me :) And I could comfort my new friend because I had been through the same thing and had been comforted by God.
New Living Translation (©2007) He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.

Sometimes God Throws A Brick In Your Window

Isaiah 45 I am the LORD, and there is no other. 7 I form the light and create darkness, I bring prosperity and create disaster; I, the LORD, do all these things.Sometimes God has to send a brick through our windows for us to stop and listen to what He is telling us. In our comfort zones, we are often cynical and ignore Him and His Word sent through His servants. But when that comfort zone is rocked, we start looking for Him in panic. Like in everything else, we tend to get too comfortable with God’s ways and eventually allow complacency and compromise with sin to overtake us. That is when God throws a brick to jolt us back. If that [throwing a brick] is what it takes, God will let some not-so-pleasant things happen to you just to catch your attention and show His glory. But thanks be to God, when He finally has our attention, He is quick to mend the damage!I read this article this morning and it took me back to when God threw a very large brick in my window which I chose to ignore.During the fall and winter of 2000, we were “friends” with some people who were drug dealers and users that happened to cook meth. We would help them get the ingredients to make the drug and then they would give us a portion. Finding the ingredients could be quite a challenge.When we first met Tyler and his girlfriend, Loretta, it seemed everything was going great for them. They had a lot of money, cars, apartments in town and out of town, and a lot of drugs. To be honest, I thought they were nice people, they were just drug addicts like myself.The fall of 2000 was hard on them, getting busted twice for manufacturing but making bail both times. I was secretly pulling for them, hoping the lifestyle they were living could work out but as I saw them falling apart I refused to see the truth of the situation: their life was a mirror image of mine. I was just a few months, and a few charges, behind them. In hindsight, this was an incredible gift from God. He allowed me to witness their lives as they slowly self-destructed, hoping I would learn from it. At times I am so in awe of HIS grace and mercy for me, even when I was so disrespectful to HIM.Despite their run-ins with the law, I was hoping Tyler and Loretta could get it together. When they got busted the third time for manufacturing, I helped them when they got out of jail. I rented them a car and loaned them some money. Their days of money, cars, and even drugs were gone and they had lost everything. Each time they got busted, police confiscated a car, as well as all their cash.After borrowing money from me, they disappeared. I was desperate to find them and called all the time. I wanted my money or, at the very least, some meth! Finally, one day, I called Tyler’s phone and he answered. I yelled at him and he said he finally had something he could give me. Angry, and intent on being repaid, I drove to meet him at a motel on I-30 in Mesquite.Before I left my house, Tyler called and asked me to bring a pan - one that would withstand heat – for cooking meth.Pulling into the parking space at the motel, I paused and thought for a moment. I had an empty 12 pack of cokes in my car and for some reason; I decided to put the Pyrex pan in the 12 pack container. This was not typical behavior for me, as I wasn’t scared of being watched by the police. In my opinion the police needed to be looking for the real criminals! (Manufacturing and using a little meth was not that bad!! I was in such denial!) So I got out of my car, still very angry at Tyler and went and knocked on the door. When he answered my anger melted away, he was a wreck!! He had no money, no food, no cigarettes and he was not having any success at making the meth.My heart broke for him and I told him to let me run to the store and get him some food and cigarettes. Driving over to the Race Track on Buckner Blvd I just felt bad for him, he had lost everything. I bought the items from the store and drove back to the motel. Tyler and I started talking as he ate his sandwiches; the meth he was attempting to make was in the bathroom. He was talking about how he hoped he was successful this time so he could make some money because he had all these charges against him.At that time there was a loud knock on the door, banging to be exact. We paused and at that moment the door was broken down and DEA agents flooded the room. They were wearing protective gear and had high-powered guns. I am not a gun expert but they looked like automatic weapons to me. It was like a scene from a movie. They told us to lay on the ground on our stomachs and not move. I guess I wasn’t moving fast enough because a man came and threw me to the ground on my stomach with a gun to my head. I don’t think I have ever been that frightened. They searched the room and took us outside and separated us.This was the last straw for Tyler, it was his fourth manufacturing charge and although there was no meth manufactured yet, it was obvious what he was doing. They then came and questioned me. The lead officer asked me what I was doing there. He talked about me bringing in the 12 pack of cokes, going to the Race Track (they knew everything I bought down to the last detail so I know they followed me). He asked if I knew what Tyler was doing. I told him that I had come to the motel to get money that Tyler owed me and that, when I arrived, I felt bad for him so I went and bought him some things. (I didn’t tell him I brought him a pan to cook meth in; the coke package saved me on that.) The officer stopped talking to me and went and talked to Tyler then returned. He asked if he could search my car and I nodded. The search came up clean and then they let me go. I could not believe it, THEY LET ME GO !!!! Tyler was then loaded into the DEA agent’s car and transported to the Federal Prison in Seagoville, Texas, where he ended up serving a very long sentence. Tyler confirmed that I had nothing to do with his manufacturing. He could have told them I brought him a pan but he chose to protect me.This was the first brick God ever threw in my window to try and get my attention. I had two choices that day: to change the way I was living my life because I saw where the lifestyle would lead or continue in my addiction. But As I drove away that day, my only thought was “where am I going to get my meth now?”I didn’t recognize or appreciate the blessing that I received that day, I just thought I would always be" lucky." But my luck ran out that day. The string of events that followed that very close call led to my own arrest on April 19th, 2001.It is not healthy to play the “if only” game in your head. But for the sake of my story, it shows that I could have easily avoided a lot of trouble and legal charges if I would have taken a different path that day. My hopes are for those hearing my story to see the different forks in the road and try to choose the right way - God’s way - as it is never too late. It is so much easier to learn from other’s mistakes and if God throws a brick in your window stop and take an inventory of your life !!! After the brick hits your window there is usually a choice to be made, choose HIS way at that time. I chose my own way thinking my “luck” would never run out but the bricks just got larger and more damaging. It was my choice though. Thankfully HE has mended all the damage that I caused.

Revisiting Van Pelt

GOD IS WITH US behind our defensive walls, our locked doors. The doors are not kicked in, nor are the walls and masks torn away. God understands that our walls and masks grew from our pain and fear, from traumas that affected our ability to trust. In time the doors themselves will be healed, and our masks will become living flesh again when we realize we no longer need them for our survival. But in the meantime, the healing love shines in our defended darkness, and God’s Holy Spirit is breathed upon us.

- Flora Slosson Wuellner 
Miracle: When Christ Touches Our Deepest Need

Wow that writing from For a Slosson Wuellner speaks to my heart and life. I have been so blessed. I got a few emails through my website yesterday that touched me deeply. This one in particular:

“My name is Judy Miller and my husband and I live in your former home on Van Pelt. Barbara Key told me about your blog, and I was very touched as I read it. I’m sorry that you have had to experience so many tragedies in your life—but happy that you are emerging victorious. I’m glad that your visit to “our” home proved helpful to you. Maybe the painful memories are the first to emerge when we revisit a place from our past—especially where you have experienced such tragedies. Like you, I feel there must also be some good memories for you here.You are welcome here anytime you feel it would be beneficial to you to confront your memories. You are a very special lady, and I would enjoy getting to know you.”

 

____________

This brought tears of joy and expectation to my eyes because I know now I don’t have to hide the truth about what happened there, she read the blog so she knows. She was so very kind to make this offer and reach out to me. My heart is overwhelmed. Now I can walk through my childhood home in truth and light not trying to hide the tragedies that occurred there. I love the saying “We must reveal it for God to heal it”. The last time I went through the home the darkness won because I was trying to hide the truth (isn’t that how Satan operates?) I am so excited and am going to embrace this experience, claiming victory, knowing God’s light is shining in my defended darkness and that HE will be with me as HE always was.  I emailed my new friend Judy with some dates and can’t wait to hear back. I will be sure to keep you updated on my blog and share the good memories from Van Pelt because I know they will surface , I just know it. Feeling incredibly excited and blessed . God is so good J

John 8:32

New King James Version (NKJV)

³² And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.