Henri Nouwen reflected :“You don’t think your way into a new kind of living. You live your way into a new kind of thinking”.

Psalm 119 :

 ¹⁰⁵ Your word is a lamp to guide my feet
    and a light for my path.
¹⁰⁶ I’ve promised it once, and I’ll promise it again:
    I will obey your righteous regulations.
¹⁰⁷ I have suffered much, O Lord;
    restore my life again as you promised.
¹⁰⁸ Lord, accept my offering of praise,
    and teach me your regulations.
¹⁰⁹ My life constantly hangs in the balance,
    but I will not stop obeying your instructions.
¹¹⁰ The wicked have set their traps for me,
    but I will not turn from your commandments

Henri Nouwen reflected, “You don’t think your way into a new kind of living. You live your way into a new kind of thinking”.

And the way we live our way into a new kind of thinking is by being obedient to God’s instructions for our life and living out HIS WORD.

This really touched me and as I reflected on my life I found such truth in it. My thinking got so skewed when I was a drug addict and there was such insanity that it is terrifying to look back at who I was and how I was thinking. I was nuts!!

For instance toward the end of my run as a drug addict I quit drinking alcohol:  I basically quit drinking all liquids because that is what meth does to you. You get really dehydrated.  One day I was locked in my bathroom getting high and realized that I hadn’t drank any beer or alcohol in over a month. I got really excited and took another hit off my pipe smiling at myself with pride in the mirror thinking I wasn’t like my parents at all. My goal had been not to be like them in any way and I had achieved that goal or so I thought in the recesses of my altered mind :  I wasn’t an  alcoholic  who was passed out all the time !!!  I was really proud of this “accomplishment” as I smoked methamphetamine out of a glass pipe, locked in a bathroom, while neglecting my kids. It was INSANITY at its worst and I didn’t recognize that until I got arrested and they threw away the key for a year. It was very disturbing to see how “off” I was and didn’t even realize it. I was so blinded to the truth and I NEVER wanted that to happen again.

When I went to prison my goal was just to obey the rules whether I agreed with them or not.  “Just obey ,  don’t over think,  and don’t compromise!!!” was what I repeated to myself.   I couldn’t afford to do it my way anymore, doing it my way ended with me in prison. It was in prison that the motto for my life became “NO COMPROMISES” and I have tried to continue that since I have been out.  Even though I didn’t know God at that time, in his mercy and grace,  he gave me revelation into the dangers of making those small compromises that change who we are , what we believe, and how we think a little at a time .This happens at such a slow pace we aren’t even aware of the changes in place until we look in the mirror and don’t recognize who is looking back at us.  So with my best resolve I tried not to compromise in my morals, values, or the rules.

(Now there was a situation in prison where I did compromise but I weighed the consequences, thought it through and was willing to take the risk. If I got in trouble I would own it but the bottom line was I really wanted to help another inmate. There was a very sweet girl that had been locked up for about 10 years. She had no family, no commissary, and no outside support but she had a great attitude with a smile always on her face. The way she made money (and by that I mean someone bought her commissary) was by doing other inmates laundry (white t-shirts they had purchased). It was against rules to buy commissary for other inmates and if you did you could get a case and get in trouble.  She was awesome at this job, the clothes came out so brilliantly white I was totally amazed !!  : ))To be amazed at a white t- shirt in prison is saying something because that is all we wore: EVERYTHING WAS WHITE except our army green coats. She had perfected this skill. One of her best customers had paroled and she came and asked me if I needed any laundry done and I told her sure even though I didn’t really care about my t-shirts, I really  just wanted to help her out. She would do the laundry and I would buy her stuff when I went to commissary. It wasn’t much, mainly personal hygiene products and coffee. I would beg her to let me by her some candy or something fun and sometimes she would relent and say okay. The day I bought her a pint of bluebell  ice cream ( cookies and cream ) as a surprise is a day I will never forget . The look of excitement and gratitude made her always smiling face beam brighter. That was such a gift to me and I could have cared less if I got in trouble or not. Now I’m not sure if that was right because I did break the rules and therefore compromised  but I know I will never forget the smile on her face as she ate that ice cream and how it made my heart feel to help someone less fortunate than myself. As I said I thought about it and was willing to risk getting in trouble. I just wanted to be honest about my “No Compromise “ motto : ))) And honestly I still make compromises but I do try and always examine the motives of my heart and what I my true intentions are when I do. This is tough stuff !!!)

Today as I read Henri Nouwen’s reflection I realized that has come true in my life: “ I have lived my way into a new kind of thinking”  There are things I did 10 years ago that I wouldn’t even consider doing today and most of them were small things  ( now of course there were the huge things also but it is usually by compromising in the small gray areas that our thinking becomes distorted  and then compromising in the huge areas just doesn’t seem that bad)  that weren’t black and white , they were actions that fell into the gray areas (at least in my mind ) where it was easier to justify and rationalize the action ( for instance I had gone to the grocery store and bought a lot of groceries. I had put a case of diet cokes on the bottom of the cart and the clerk did not charge me for them . When I unloaded my groceries and looked over my receipt I noticed the error and thought it was my lucky day because I got a free case of cokes. I didn’t once think about returning to pay for them because “it wasn’t my fault” “ the clerk should have paid more attention” etc. Today I would go back immediately to pay , I would not entertain any thoughts of any other action. So I have lived my way into a new way of thinking because His word is now a lamp to my feet and I know if I make the smallest compromise in my morals or values that come from HIS word I have cracked the window to my soul giving the enemy a chance to trap me again. Now I sin everyday but my struggles have changed over the last decade because of the way I have lived and the way I now think. I think it is called sanctification; he is peeling back the layers and working on me a little at a time.

Tomato, Tomahto, Pompoms, POMPONS :))

When I came up with the idea to write my story I was going to title it "PULLING CHAIN". That term is prison lingo for leaving county and going to prison. Of course when I first heard it I didn’t know ANY prison lingo so I took it LITERALLY: ))  

After I was handed down my prison sentence another inmate told me it wouldn't be long until I would be PULLING CHAIN and that it would be VERY VERY hard. After hearing that I got really scared and went into my cell and began cry. The picture that came into my mind was of me shackled together with other inmates pulling big heavy chains ( I don’t know where we were pulling them) with sweat pouring down our faces in the sweltering Texas sun. It was a very frightening picture in my imagination so I began to cry harder. My favorite guard stopped by my cell and asked me what on earth was wrong because I was usually so happy and upbeat. I told her that I was so scared to have to pull those heavy chains and I wondered what on earth was the purpose of pulling them and where we were taking them ???  

She began to laugh hysterically and told me the “prison” definition of PULLING CHAIN and I began to laugh with her . She was really sweet and somewhat concerned about how I was going to survive this prison experience. I was smart just not very street smart and she saw that.

The  PULLING CHAIN story always made me laugh and that’s why I chose it as the title but my dear friend Melinda Erskine Proza came up with another  title “From POMPOMS to Prison” and when she suggested it I just knew it was right. It just fit perfectly into what I was trying to do , who I was , who I was perceived to be and who I am now. It was me : )). She is so very talented  !!

So the name was changed and things began to move forward. In November I learned that my very dear friend Kristie Smith was going to write an article about my story for the DMN and I reached out to another dear friend Jamie Bridges Hawk for help. She works in public relations and has giving me wonderful advice, it was she who suggested I get a website in place but she recommended I change the spelling of the title to Pompons, with an “n” at the end – because that was technically the correct spelling.  So that is why my title is “FROM POMPONS TO PRISON” instead of “FROM POMPOMS TO PRISON” .

It is important that I be technically correct if I am going to include stories about how some of the  murderers in my dorm couldn’t spell correctly in Scrabble and how it didn’t matter because as I learned from experience  if a scary murderer says a word is a word it is, I will never question that again : )))  I probably could have told you this in two or three sentences but  you know me I’m  a little wordy : )))

My Journal: God spoke to me and I want to share :)

Last weekend was an awesome time of spending time with God, refreshing and rebuilding established and new relationships,  and diving into and engaging all that God has for me and my journey with him. It was very powerful and I am still processing the things God spoke to me. I love it when he speaks to me so very clearly so I want to share that with you. This weekend there were leaders from all over the world who have laid down their lives, died to themselves, and moved across the world to be the hands and feet of Jesus to people who do not know him and haven’t even heard of him. I was in awe of their dedication to  God’s call on their lives and their selflessness. As I met  them and talked with them it made me take a hard look at myself wondering if I am doing enough, if my dream of writing this book and pursuing a  career as a motivational speaker are selfish on my part. I called out to God because in the depth of my spirit I believed it was HE who placed this dream within me. So I prayed and LISTENED (which is very important when communicating with God) and finally when I was still I heard His voice and I knew it was God speaking to me. Those are moments I cherish most of all. I just want to share my journal from this time.

 You know what I struggle with the most is if I'm  making a real difference in people's lives  when there is such overwhelming hopelessness, shame, and lonliness everywhere . After we got back from the Growth Weekend in Lindale I met up with some friends who had gathered in celebration of the 50^th year anniversary of the elementary school we all attended.  I missed the event but caught up with everyone at a place called Goodfriends which is located in our old East Dallas neighborhood. God totally blessed me through people there as many came up and hugged me telling me they enjoyed my website and blog .It touched my heart so much because I had been feeling so insecure that all the encouragement was edifying putting a smile on my face and heart. I was touched to the point of tears as I shared how much support I received. It was inspiring to me and more confirmation of what I am trying to do and how God will use it to touch other’s lives.

 When I left Goodfriends about 6 or so I went down Buckner to I-30 and there were two homeless guys sitting on the ground with a sign that said "dirty, broke, and hungry". I was not in a lane where I could do anything, although I wanted to give them some money, but as I stopped at the stop sign I looked into their eyes and I just saw an emptiness and hopelessness that broke my heart. They were so very dirty, sun burned, and looked desperate. I had to get on I- 30 but I exited on Big Town Blvd. and looped back around so I could give them some money. I only had 5 dollars cash and I pulled up and rolled down my window saying hello. One of them had piercings all over his face and he looked up surprised and walked to my window. I just handed him the money and said God Bless You. He smiled sadly and said God bless back to me. Tears formed in my eyes as I drove off because there wasn't  anything I could really do to help and I cried tears of gratitude also because it wasn't me on that corner,  it could have easily gone that way but  for some reason I was saved and blessed.  I am so very thankful for that and because I have been so blessed I think I need to do more.  I get really scared I am being selfish with this idea of writing a book and being a speaker, that maybe I should be in the streets, fighting the battle, and reaching out to those who are so hopeless, I just don't know.  I will never forget their faces or their eyes because there was such nothingness in them and I just wanted them to feel love and accepted by me and know I wasn't judging them in any way but I couldn't park and I was somewhat scared. In a way I was a coward and just handed them some money hoping that would ease their pain and I know that isn't enough. I want to do so much more so I prayed and what I heard I shared below.
 

My thoughts are leaning toward the idea that God will use me and my story as a bridge to connect the middle class to those who live in this state of hopelessness that is so often accompanied by drug addiction and homelessness. Because maybe these middle class or upper middle class people can relate to me on some level that they can't to a homeless drug addict. Since I grew up and lived most of my life in a middle class environment they may see themselves in me and see that it could happen to them. That if we don’t deal with our stuff and if we let the pain of life become unbearable we could easily turn to drugs which could rob us of everything we hold dear. One choice leads to another and then one day your teaching school and the next you wake up in prison slopping pigs and you wonder what on earth happened.  And maybe my story will plant a seed of compassion that will replace any root of judgment or condemnation prompting them to step out of their own little worlds which are so comfortable and see the sheer desperation that is happening right in their own backyards  . And they will see that it isn't their ( the hurting , homeless, and broken )  fault , these people have been so deeply wounded by lives so hard  it is incomprehensible. And maybe just maybe instead of looking away from this agony and humiliation that is so uncomfortable to witness they will behold it on some level and have the courage to to be wounded by the pain of these hurting people and that takes an unbelievable amount of courage because it hurts so deeply. And once they face and feel that pain maybe they can move beyond the internal barriers they have erected to protect themselves and face their own demons and pain which will bring forth the  healing they need  in their lives. We all have something to face whether it is demons, giants, or obstacles and God wants us to face them head on because he will be there with us but that takes faith and courage.   At least that is my hope. I just don't want to be selfish ,  I want to make a real difference in ALL people’s lives . That is my heart and I don’t ever want my life to become about me there are so many souls at stake. I want people to know there is hope.