As I reflect on the last two days the word that kept coming to my mind was value so I looked it up in the dictionary:
Value (noun) - relative worth, merit, or importance (verb)- to regard or esteem highly.
I think what God is trying to show me as I revisit these places of pain is that underneath all the neglect, abuse, and dysfunction I was valued by many people. I don’t think I have fully grasped that.
When I visited the lake so many memories flooded my mind: David’s death, mini bikes, skiing, swimming, boating to name a few. My childhood spending weekends and summers at the lake was somewhat privileged. I learned to slalom ski by the time I was 6 years old and I was jumping wakes soon after. This is where I was pushed to succeed by my parent’s, particularly my father. He wanted me to be the best I could be at skiing, diving, gymnastics, and snow skiing.
I received positive reinforcement when I did those things well. He wanted me to achieve academically but that was not the emphasis in my case: EVER. That was probably good because I would have never measured up to Kathey and her academic achievements in spite of her hearing loss: she graduated at the top of her class at Bryan Adams and got a full academic scholarship to SMU. But I may have sold myself short because I was smart but I didn’t apply myself in that area because my dad seemed to value me more when I made cheerleader, was popular, and outgoing.
So as always I tried to please him because I wanted my parents to value me the way they did Kathey , that is what I strived for. I believe my parents did value me and find worth in me but they were so overcome with pain they couldn’t show it, I felt valued as a young child and I think although that has been buried deep God used it to give me the strength to survive what was going to happen later in my life. He buried that nugget worth more than gold within me so I could draw upon it and this week HE has defined it for me.
Yesterday I had coffee with someone who was very important during the spring of ’79. It was important for me to revisit this relationship because although it didn’t last long I know there was importance to it. God is sovereign and nothing happens by coincidence so it was not by chance he was my boyfriend during the MOST tragic/impactful events of my life.
( I included some of my thoughts and memories of my time with him as they surfaced while preparing my heart for this reunion . Some I shared after Kristie Smith wrote the article and others I just recalled :)))
Towards the end of my senior year my life was slowly self destructing as my mother’s alcoholism was spiraling out of control. During this time I started dating a boy from Samuel named Mike, he was a year older, out of school, and working full time. We met at a disco club called “Fat Albert’s” that many of us went to back then. He had sandy brown/blonde hair with the most incredible blue eyes I had ever seen. At first I wasn’t sure if I was interested in him but he kept pursuing me and I ended up enjoying his company and really liking him. He drove a brand new baby blue Cougar ( that matched his gorgeous eyes) and introduced me to Eddie Rabbit. We listened to the eight track Variations by Eddie Rabbit endlessly as we cruised around in his car. To this day when I hear an Eddie Rabbit song I think of Mike. My favorite was the song " You don't love me anymore", little did I know the words to that song foreshadowed what would happen in our relationship.
One memory that stands out for some reason was going to see the Muppet Movie at North Park. I remember sitting side by side in the theater with Mike draping his arm around my shoulders. I don't know why I remember that so clearly but it brings upon a feeling of nostalgia and security which were absent from my life at that time. I felt safe with Mike and I knew he liked me, we had a lot of fun. When Kermit sang”The Rainbow Connection" in the Muppet Movie I remember it brought tears to my eyes and I began to cry. The specific lines "Why are there so many songs about rainbows and what's on the other side? Rainbows are visions, but only illusions, and rainbows have nothing to hide" particularly broke my teenage heart. It reminded me of the illusion I had created to prevent others from seeing the truth about my life and all the pain that I had tucked away and masked with a plastic smile. I was very close to falling apart. Mike just hugged me tighter trying to comfort me. Many 19 year old boys would have laughed or been uncomfortable with that display of emotion to a song being sung by a little green frog but Mike just seemed concerned for me. Mike was very attentive to my fragility although I don't think he completely understood it. My life was in a very delicate state because of my mother’s deterioration, the abandonment of my father, and the hopelessness I felt was about to get so much worse. I was having a hard time keeping up the pretense of being the happy go lucky girl that everyone thought I was.
I was over at Mike’s the day my mother caught our house on fire. Graduation came with all the tragic things that happened on that fateful Memorial Day. Mike and I spent the day after graduation together skiing at the lake. It was the high point of the tragic Memorial Day weekend so I have always cherished the memories of that day. Then I went on vacation to Hawaii which was my graduation present . When I returned home Mike and I went out on a few dates and then I left for Arkansas for a week. Upon my return from Arkansas I found out Mike was dating Kristie. I didn’t even know we had broken up and when I asked him he just said he got tired of me being gone so much and that was the end of the relationship. To be honest I was heartbroken but wasn't surprised he rejected me because I felt horrible about myself…………………………………
Those are some of my reflections on Mike and I was so touched after meeting with him because he remembered many of the things I remembered. I left knowing he saw value in me and that was extremely important to me.
We didn’t go to my prom together even though we were dating, I had already planned my prom date months before but as I thought about seeing Mike for the first time in 30+ years memories of that spring and therefore my senior prom came to my mind and God brought the word expectation to my mind so I looked it up also.
Expectation (noun)- an attitude of expectancy or hope; anticipation
Although I don’t really have any memories before the July 4th weekend of 1971 , when my brother David committed suicide , there are fragments that appear randomly without warning that happened before that time. I don’t know if they are real or prompted by old photos but I know they happened because there are pictures that confirm they are true. I found some photo’s of Kathey’s prom and graduation and through this God prompted me with the word expectation. Expectation is a dangerous word because many times what we base our expectations on is not reality and therefore we can be let down terribly. I will have to contemplate on expectations more because right now in the state I am in I almost think it is better to have no expectations but I don’t know if that is good either…………………………
Anyway back to the photos I found, there is an album devoted to her prom. Her friends came to our house for pictures with their dates. The girls were all dressed beautifully and Kathey’s hair was professionally done. This was a milestone in her life and my parents captured it with photos and I could see how they valued her. She was their princess, you could see this by all the photos taken and how they were carefully arranged in the album. This set an expectation for me and how my prom would be and that didn’t come to pass. I was rushing my date out of the door because my mother was passed out in the den and my father wasn’t even home. There were no photos taken at all, no one smiling proudly waving me off at the door as I crawled into the back of a limo.
My expectations were for a magical evening fulfilling the dreams I had since I was a child and had witnessed the events surrounding Kathey and her prom. But it was just a nightmare with me hoping and praying my mother wouldn’t wake up before I got out of the house, just trying to pretend things were normal although my date asked somewhat confused “ aren’t we going to take pictures? “ and I just shrugged not knowing what to say feeling so very let down again.
The same thing happened with graduation. My parents held a huge party for Kathey and her friends. I think it was a Hawaiian themed celebration, I remember the tiki torches in the back yard and the paper lanterns we hung around the patio. There was a lot of food and my dad planned a scavenger hunt for Kathey and her friends ( many who worked for my dad at his store ). At the end of this elaborate hunt ( my dad was quite good at things like this ) was a very nice graduation gift for all.
These memories are all vague but I remember we never took down the paper lanterns and as time went by their color faded and they began to deteriorate until there was nothing left, some still hung haphazardly reminding me of that incredible celebration but their disintegration became symbolic of the state my family was in. It wasn’t long after that my family slowly faded and collapsed along with those paper lanterns. I had an expectation from my past experience with Kathey’s graduation of what my graduation would be and again I was let down because not only was there no party no one even showed up.
These experiences this week have given me more insight into my feelings and my state of mind at that time. It has helped me to understand how and why I was so very angry and hurt. My expectations were high even though things were so very messed up and my family had been torn to shreds. In my teenage mind I thought it would all magically come together and I would have the prom and graduation experience I dreamed of having, the one like Kathey’s. It has helped me to reconcile and forgive myself for saying those awful words to my mother wishing she were dead.
It has brought forth more healing and as odd as it seems God has given me a gift, as he always does in his extreme mercy and grace for me. He has shown me I was dearly valued, that I wasn’t just a worthless piece of trash to be discarded as I have felt I was. I was valued by friends, boyfriends, my sister, and even my parents. He has shown me Mother and Daddy loved me and did value me but they were paralyzed by their pain and honestly they were weak and just became overcome by the tragedy. He has shown me I am an OVERCOMER, and that he planted a strength within me from the beginning of time so that I could survive and I chose to survive, there were times I almost let go but the bottom line is I didn’t, I held on with the power of my might until I finally surrendered to Him and let him be my strength. All I know is I feel a new peace right now and that is pretty awesome.
Susan Washington
