Beauty for Ashes :))

2 Corinthians 10:
5 We break down every thought and proud thing that puts itself up against the wisdom of God. We take hold of every thought and make it obey Christ.

As I was driving home tonight I began to think about Mother’s Day. My kids and I are going to go out to eat on Monday and Angela ( she is just like my daughter too ) is going to go also . I am super excited about this, it will real...ly be the first time that Hailey, Alexis, Sammy, and I will celebrate an occasion as a family since the separation. They have been with Warner and his family for holidays but there hasn’t been an occasion where it has just been us. That has been one of the hardest things since I separated from my husband figuring out the holidays because I don’t have any family left. When they spend a holiday with Mom’s side of the family it is just me and that is sad.

It makes me miss my family more, especially this time of year. So I went from being excited about celebrating Mother’s Day with all my kids to feeling really sad and missing my mother and Kathey ( who stepped up and was a mother to me after momma died).

May is so incredibly hard: there is Kathey’s birthday, Mother’s Day, then Memorial Day ( the day they both died ) . I try to stay in the word and take every thought captive but it is a constant battle in my mind. The battle waged tonight but something really cool happened . As I was thinking of Momma and Kathey a wave of sadness washed over me and I took a deep breath yet again; trying to allow myself to feel the sadness but not go to those dark places of guilt and shame that I so often do when I remember their deaths.

What caught me off guard was the picture in my mind as I thought of them. There are always many pictures of Kathey in my mind at different stages in my life : greeting me at the airport with open arms when I was despondent and came to live with her, holding each of my children right after they were born, sitting in the theater with me when she took me to see Funny Girl ( her favorite movie of all time), at her sorority house, at the lake the summer before she died when the chemo had taken such a toll on her body, and in the casket. Kathey at different ages continually flash through my mind but it has always been different with mother.

In the past when I have pictured Momma in my mind it was always of her standing in the doorway when I spoke those last words to her . She had prematurely aged because of all the alcohol and cigarettes and her skin was ruddy with a red tint. Her mouth was drawn and her eyes so very glassy and empty. Severe alcoholics have a distinctive look and I can always point one out because many times they look like my mother did. The picture in my mind has always had a caricature grotesque appearance somewhat like a scary clown that instilled my heart with fear.

The other picture of her that surfaces in my mind is of her in the casket where she didn’t look any better. The images of my mother have always had a nightmarish quality that has really frightened me . The word that comes to my mind has always been evil and I hated that.

 

Tonight as I was thinking of my mother it dawned on me I was picturing her as beautiful. Flashes of her young came to my mind probably from pictures but images of her as beautiful and smiling emerged. This was my mother before the alcohol took such a toll. I don’t know if the image is from a specific memory or not but in the picture in my mind my mother is beautiful, laughing, and full of life.

When I realized that was how I was picturing her the sadness left immediately because God has given me a gift. The memories that haunted me for so long have been replaced by a photo in my mind of the way it should have been , maybe the way it was before it went so terribly wrong, and the way it is now. She is beautiful , laughing , and there is no more pain . I thank God for this gift and I am trying to capture it forever in my mind. I think I have finally awakened from the nightmare that had so much power over me. It is hard to verbalize it because I don’t know if I am making it clear how haunting and horrible it was but I have prayed for good memories and God blessed me with that today. I’m not sure what it is a memory of but I don’t care my mother is happy in this memory and that brings joy to my broken heart. It is going to be a very blessed Mother’s Day.