My friend Beth *

Last night I met a friend for dinner. Our relationship is hard to explain: she was not a friend from childhood, high school, or college. I met Beth *(names have been changed to protect the innocent, well not really innocent since I met her in prison but you know what I mean:) ) in prison and what sets her apart is she is the only girl from prison that I developed a friendship with. When I arrived at prison I was very guarded about who I was going to let into my life. Frankly I had been burned big time by some people I met in rehab. I met one girl at Nexus and felt very sorry for her situation. I gave her a place to live at my father’s home in Rockwall and helped her financially. She ended up stealing from me and my father. The same thing happened with someone I helped from NTTC. So my plans were not to make any friends at all in prison and no matter how bad I felt for someone and their situation I was not going to bring anyone home to live with me: ) I was just going to do my time. I basically stuck to my plan except for this one exception.

Let me take you back to November 2002 when we met at the Woodman Unit in Gatesville. I pulled chain from Rockwall County on November 14th early in the morning. Rockwall is such a small county and at the time I was the only one leaving for prison. A deputy sheriff drove me to Gatesville by myself. It was such a scary experience; I had been in Rockwall County Jail since July and was so comfortable there. I was the only female trusty so I had a cell to myself, I got to smoke, and I got extra food. Those are some wonderful perks when you are locked up. I spent my days preparing mop buckets for the women to clean their pods and doing the laundry for the female inmates. The guards really liked me and I even tutored some of the ones who were taking some college courses. It had been quite awhile since my sentence of two years TDC was handed down so I thought, well prayed that I might get to do my time in Rockwall. Of course I had nothing to base this reasoning on, just wishful thinking I guess. But about three in the morning on November 14, the guard tapped on my cell and said “Susan,you need to pack your things,you are pulling chain.” Shocked and dismayed I jumped up and packed. It took about two seconds because all I had was my bible, the devotional “Streams in the Desert”, and my white Sketcher tennis shoes.

Not long after my wakeup call they came to get me and I started the process of being released. As I sat in the room where they do the paper work the guards I had come to know so well stopped in to tell me good bye. They could tell I was very scared and each of them looked me in the eye, grabbed my hand reassuringly, and told me it was going to be okay. Looking back into their eyes with tears streaming down my face I nodded in agreement trying with all my heart to believe their words. It is hard to describe the fear I felt and it made it worse because I was leaving alone. When you leave from a larger county there are usually a lot of inmates pulling together so at least you have someone to talk to, share your fears with, a group that you are all in it together. But I was alone , to be honest it was kind of fitting because I had felt alone since Kathey’s death.

As I stood up and the Sheriff’s deputy handcuffed me and shackled my feet I smiled unconvincingly at the guards as they said their final goodbyes, trying to reassure me to the end. I was then loaded into the backseat of the car and we headed south on 205 then exited onto I-30. We then drove to Gatesville where he dropped me off and I began the process of entering prison by myself. The day was a blur because so much went on. The main thing I remember is they threw away all my stuff except my Bible. The tennis shoes and the devotional went into the trash. The guard then cut out my book mark that was in my Bible, I didn’t really understand why because I didn’t see what could be done with that silk book mark but it was considered contraband and forbidden. I would soon learn how many seemingly innocent items were considered dangerous and prohibited in prison but I accepted the rules even though I didn’t understand them. I had finally come to a place where I accepted the fact that my thinking and ways somehow landed me in prison so I was going to obey all rules with no compromises.

I then was taken to my dorm where I would spend the next few weeks being tested mentally, physically, and emotionally. It was in this dorm that I met Beth*. As I said the only thing we got to keep was our Bible and we were issued 4 bars of blue lye soap to clean ourselves with. There wasn’t shampoo, toothpaste, or anything just 4 bars of blue lye soap. Feeling overwhelmed I went to my bunk and made my bed. The mattress was made out of sand so it was really hard to put a sheet on it. After that I just looked around at the inmates who were sitting at the tables playing board games or just talking. As I looked from table to table I just picked the one where the girls looked nice and a little older.  Beth* was at that table.

 

She was very nice but she was also very guarded. From listening to her I could tell she was educated and smart but she kept her distance and had built up some walls to protect herself.  Later I would learn why. Beth’s * sentence was for a very long time.  She had been a big time meth dealer and when she got busted weapons were found.  (You would have never thought this by looking at her. She was very pretty, with a funny sense of humor, and just an air of innocence. Many of the women in prison had a “hard” look probably due to the hard lives they had led but this was not the case with Beth.)  While out on bond for her original charge she got busted again.  After the second charge she went home to her family and got her life together remaining clean but her past caught up with her,as it always does.  After two years staying clean and working her court date finally came and she was sentenced to 15 years aggravated in TDC, the aggravated part of the sentence was due to the weapons. She was going to be locked up for awhile so she needed to have that mindset to protect herself.  For some reason she let down her guard with me and we became friends talking daily (there wasn’t anything else to do) as we waited for all of our testing to take place.  She was very sweet to me and shared some shampoo and some of her commissary because I didn’t have any money on my books yet.  This was very nice because she had made a promise to herself that she WOULD NOT share commissary because she had already dealt with so many issues with commissary  being in Dallas County and I understood that completely. You had to be extremely careful in prison or you would be taken advantage of and Beth was not going to let that happen.  So it was then that we became friends under the harshest of circumstances but I was so thrilled to find someone that I could relate to and enjoy talking with.

We spent Thanksgiving in Woodman and had a nice Thanksgiving meal then Beth pulled chain and I wasn’t sure where she went. The rumor was we would leave Woodman and go to Dawson State Jail in Dallas waiting for our respective units to have room.  But you just didn’t know what to believe and I was sad when she left because she had really been my only friend.

Not long after Beth left I was called in the middle of the night to pack my stuff because we were pulling chain.  This was a lot different than my ride from Rockwall by myself.  There were probably 50 of us who left that night and we were handcuffed and shackled together as we loaded the old TDC bus and headed for Dallas.  The rumor turned out to be true and we were taken to Dawson State Jail.  After being processed in we were sent to our dorms.  It was a pleasant surprise when I got to my dorm and saw that Beth was in there also.  Just like at Woodman we ate our meals together, went to church services, and just talked.  The library would come to the dorm once a week and we would check out books and share them with each other. One morning Beth came running over to my bunk excitedly handing me a book telling me that I just had to read it.  It was called “The Swan House” and it moved me deeply.  (I never forgot that book!! When I got out of prison I had my daughter check it out of the library and last year I bought it off of Amazon).  It is just one of those books that I can read over and over. “The Swan House” always reminded me of Beth and our friendship.

We spent Christmas in Dawson and had the worst meal you could possibly imagine.  Our Christmas dinner was bologna and dressing. It was just so depressing to be away from your family during that time and bologna and dressing made it worse.  I can still picture it on the tray.  But having a few friends eased the loneliness.  Not long after Christmas the call came in the middle of the night for a group to pack up because they were pulling chain.  Beth was in that group.  I realized then I might not ever see her again because there were countless number of units in Gatesville and the odds of us being sent to the same one was small. Crying we said our goodbyes promising to write each other and then she was gone.

A few days after Beth left I got a letter from her, it was very disturbing and she was having a hard time adjusting. She had been placed on the hoe squad at Lane Murray and she said it was just torture. They had to run three miles to where they would work and if you couldn’t keep up you would get a case and be in trouble.  It wasn’t like we had spent the last two months working out so it was extremely difficult . After the run you would have to hoe with the squad.  She said she didn’t know if she could endure this. My heart broke for her but there was nothing I could do except write back and try to encourage her. That was the last correspondence I had with Beth as I left for my unit not long after and began my sentence.  I guess we just got caught up in our own lives on our different units but I never forgot her.

When I got out of prison and started getting my life back on track I would think of Beth every now and then.  After I re-read “The Swan House” it made me want to reach out to her and see how she was.  I knew her mother and aunt supported her through prison and I just wanted to touch base to see if I could maybe do something to help her out. She had such a long sentence I couldn’t even comprehend how that would affect you.  You can use an online Offender Search on the TDCJ website to search for inmates so I put in Beth’s name and found she had been moved to the Mountain View Unit which is where the death row inmates are held and wrote her a letter asking her if she remembered me and if there was anything she needed. Of course I reminded her of the book and asked her if she remembered it.

A week or so later I received a letter from Beth telling me she did remember me but not the book , I guess the book made more of an impact on me. She told me how she taken some college courses  but stopped because she got involved in a Braille program where they transcribed books for the blind. This program was supposed to give training so the girls could find employment when they were released . Beth was very hopeful about her first parole hearing and asked me to write a letter in support of her and send to the parole board so I did that.  Beth said if I wanted I could send her some paper, pens, and stationary that I could order on line and send to her from an approved store.  So I ordered the items she requested and had them sent to her then we lost touch again.   Beth had been locked up about 7 years when we reconnected.  I knew she was up for parole and the only way I would know if she made parole was to look her up on the online offender search.  And sure enough one day when I put her name in the search engine it came back no one by that name.  I then knew Beth had made parole and was so happy for her praying she could make it because it can be so very hard.

Well not too long ago Beth and I reconnected and decided to meet for dinner.  She has been out two years, clean off of drugs, and has a job transcribing Braille.  She loves her job and her life. She is a strong girl who makes no compromises which I love.  She made her first parole but she had a long sentence so she will be on parole for awhile although there is a chance she could be released early for good behavior.  It was great to see her and catch up.  We made plans to be intentional so we could really get to know each other outside of the system that brought us together and I certainly hope we can do that.

Proverbs 20:24 The LORD directs our steps, so why try to understand everything along the way?

Proverbs 20:24

New Century Version (NCV)  ²⁴ The Lord decides what a person will do;   no one understands what his life is all about.

New Living Translation (NLT) ²⁴ The LORD directs our steps,   so why try to understand everything along the way?

I believe in the sovereignty of God without a doubt. Something happened the other day that was just a God thing, it is awesome when we get to see God at work because many times it is behind the scenes ( he is always working ) and we just don’t realize it. We may see it in hindsight or it may be when we get to Heaven but he is always at work .

After leaving Wilshire Baptist Church on Sunday I drove to work. Since I left the church at 11:00 I decided to take the  toll way because I needed to be in my office by 11:45 and the way I normally goes takes over an hour. The toll way was awesome and I was at  the intersection of El Dorado by 11:30 so I decided to run into Market Street and get some lunch then head to the office.

It was a CRAZY busy day !!! Jeff was in Paloma Creek so I was by myself, I don’t think I even got to  sit down until about 5:00 to start going over the leads that came through the model. It was such a relief to sit down and kick off my shoes for a moment, of course the only day I wear very high heeled shoes I stand for an hour sharing my testimony and then run around all day at work showing our inventory homes, but it was a blessing to be so busy and hopefully one of the leads will turn into a sale : )

As I was entering one of the leads into our system I heard the door open and I look at the screen where the camera is projected and saw a man walk into the model. I put on my shoes  and stood up to greet him and welcome him to Horizon Homes. He shook my hand and asked if Jeff was available . I told him Jeff was in Paloma and I wasn’t sure if he would make it here or not. There was something about this man that made me think he might work for Highland so I just asked him point blank. He said “no” but that he had been interviewing with them  and was just checking out the area, the drive, etc. One of his good friends knew Jeff so he wanted to stop in and say hello.

Relaxing somewhat I sat down and we just began to talk about this business, the different locations, major thoroughfares, nearby shopping etc. He made the comment that it was almost necessary to drive the toll ways and I told him that I normally didn’t because it was just too expensive but that I had taken the toll way that day because I had shared my testimony at a church and was strapped for time. As I said the word testimony the look on his face changed and he said  “ What is your testimony ?”

Startled somewhat by the bluntness of his question and not sure how deep I should go into my story I just skimmed the surface revealing that I had experienced some major loss and made some very poor decisions that I had to pay a very high price for.  But through all of that pain I found a relationship with Jesus Christ and He transformed my life. I am VERY open and transparent and I have shared my whole story at work many times but only when I have felt prompted by God and this happened so fast I couldn’t really hear God’s voice so I held back.  I felt somewhat convicted that I held back and I wasn’t sure what to do .

We continued to talk and he started to share a little bit about himself, some loss he had experienced ( his wife who was his high school sweetheart died of cancer ) and some other things he had gone through. As he was talking I felt the prompt from God to share everything about my life, when God prompts me strongly I feel it physically. It is so hard to describe but my heart rate increases and I feel a type of  strong pressure from within that I have to say what God wants me to say or I am going to burst. That is the only way I can describe it. So I looked at this man and said let me tell you a little more about my story and I told him everything then handed him the Wylie Newspaper Article that had been sitting on the desk between us.

As he picked it up he looked at my picture from when I was a cheerleader and told me his late wife was also  a cheerleader and graduated in 1979 from a big school in Oklahoma. He then said somewhat sadly that I reminded him of her in a way, he had graduated from that same school in 1978. Minutes later a couple entered the model so I got up to greet them and as I looked back at him he was reading the article about my life.

I think my story took him by surprise somewhat and he was very moved by God’s grace and mercy in my life. For some reason I felt led to tell him about how I had been able to share my faith in this office  and the office in Woodbridge. I shared with him the story of the probation officer who was looking to buy a home from us in Woodbridge and how I felt that strong prompt from God to share my life and when I did she began to cry because her brother( who was a college graduate and an executive at Dell computer ) was hooked on methamphetamine and he had lost everything and she as a PO had NEVER seen anyone successfully get off of meth, she told me through tears she believed God placed us together that day so she would have hope for her brother. ( I am still brought to tears when I think of that story ).

He then smiled and told me he had been praying to God for an answer about this job change. New Home Sales would be a completely new field for him and what he liked to do the most was meet people, learn their stories and  to hopefully speak encouragement into their lives. He had just prayed to God to answer him to see if this was a field he could do that in, then he walked into the office hoping to meet Jeff but met me instead : )))

God directed his steps that day and he directed mine encouraging me to take that toll way after sharing my testimony and speak of it to this stranger. Our interaction ended up being an answer to his prayer. Then he told me the Holy Spirit was telling him to tell me to write my book and finish it!! He had the gift of encouragement and he told me I was a light bearer and to keep shining my light and telling my story of God’s Grace, Hope, and Power because there are many in this world who need to hear it desperately. His words were so encouraging to me . I know it was by God’s divine intervention and appointment that we met and I think God answered both of our prayers that day. God is good, all the time !!!

Getting ready for Overton

About to head out to the Northeast Texas Treatment Center in Overton , Tx to share with the residents. I am so excited to revisit this place. This is where I was sentenced after being placed on deferred adjudication for 10 years. Although I relapsed and eventually went to prison I learned a lot there. This is where seeds were planted for the healing to take root and begin.

I was 40 years old and coming out of my own wilderness. As I have said I feel so very blessed and thankful to God as I take this journey revisiting places of pain and defeat now standing in victory. PLEASE PRAY FOR ME AND FOR GOD'S WORDS TO SPEAK THROUGH ME . I will keep you updated and I hope I can take some pictures. It was such a beautiful place. One morning I remember we were on the porch and heard all this noise coming from the ropes course and we ran to see what it was . This pine trees were huge and unbelievably gorgeous. What we saw were wild horses running through the woods.

It was breathtaking. That picture has always stayed in my mind and I am sure it is symbolic to something. Maybe the freedom with which they ran, I am walking in that freedom now. I will think on that more. I will check in when I get there :))

Angela: God has blessed me with this young lady -- She is my friend, my daughter, my mentee.

 John 16:33 “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”  

Today I want to share another letter I received from a very dear friend, she is more like a daughter to me but before I do I want to take you back to when we met and how our relationship developed, she was and is my oldest daughter Hailey’s best friend. I can see the tapestry of God’s handiwork from the beginning.

I paroled out of prison in the summer of 2003 and came to live in Wylie. We had a small run down trailer on the outskirts of town and I was placed on a leg monitor as a condition of my parole. None of this mattered because I was so happy to be with my kids again, to be free, and to have AIR CONDITIONING. The trailer was like a palace compared to prison  (Life is all about perspective)  :) 

It was so awkward at first with my kids because I had let them down so many times and I knew they didn’t trust me.  The week before we got busted in 2001 CPS had visited them at school to interview  them and I remember sitting in my silver Toyota Camry in our driveway talking with my kids about this interview and assuring them that nothing bad would happen, a week later we were busted and CPS took custody of them at school. After I got out of rehab and they came to live with me and my father things went well for awhile but then I relapsed and got sent to prison. It was going to take some time to rebuild the trust and I was so scared about the damage that had been done hoping they would make good choices for their lives and in their friendships.

In the summer of 2003 Hailey had just gotten out of 8^th grade and would be starting high school in the fall. I knew this was a pivotal time in her life. There had been some concern about the friendships she had before so I was hoping for new friends to come into her life. God blessed us with Angela Tucker and Amanda Steele. These girls were outgoing and involved in extracurricular activities: Amanda was a cheerleader and Angela’s brother was quarterback of the Wylie Pirate’s Varsity Football Team.  Hailey just blossomed as she spent a lot of time at Angela’s going to football games, being with her family and just hanging out. I was so happy for these friendships.

Angela was and is a beautiful girl and their friendship continued to grow. They have each told me that they have such fun together and just laugh all the time. I understood perfectly because I had many friendships like that growing up. Just those special girls you enjoy being with because you can be yourself, be silly,  and just laugh !! Friends are so important.

Angela’s brother graduated at the end of their freshman year and went off to college the next fall. After that Angela’s home life started to deteriorate. Her parents separated and eventually divorced which left Angela alone far too often. I was shocked and saddened when her mother moved to Oklahoma and left Angela who was about 17 at the time alone in the house; her father still lived in Wylie but was struggling with his own alcoholism so was not there to guide her.

It seems after that her life started spiraling out of control. She quit attending school and started  partying too much and it wouldn’t be long before she hit a pretty hard bottom.

My relationship with Angela really began when she was locked up in Collin County jail and I began to write to her and she began to write back. Her letter says it all. I am so very proud of this young woman and the changes she has made in her life. She is a wonderful mother trying to create a beautiful life for her daughter Summer,  she now has a good job, attends church regularly , and basically has turned her life around with the guidance of God. This could have been a much different story but with God all things are possible.

God is just so AWESOME and I love that I have been able to witness first hand the transformation in Angela’s life. I love her as much as my own kids and so thankful to have her in my life. 

Hailey and Angela in 9th grade.

Her letter for my book and website  is below:) I was moved to tears by this, it was a beautiful gift to me.

"Susan Washington has had a huge impact in my life. She has been my spiritual leader, my guidance counselor, and most of all she has been my friend. We met when I was in junior high, when her eldest daughter, Hailey and I became best friends. It was not till later on in life when Susan and I really began to form an irreplaceable friendship.  Hard times hit my home when I was about sixteen. My parents were going through a divorce and like the typical teenager who faces many challenges, I began to party.  I blew off school, and began to care about very little. I started getting into more and more trouble and at seventeen was placed on probation for a felony. I continued my downward spiral doing whatever I wanted and eventually met a guy that enjoyed being in my chaotic downward spiral. We were together for about a year when I became pregnant. I instantly quit all of the partying. I decided to try and get my mind right and life on track, not only for myself, but for the new life I was going to bring into the world. Unfortunately, some things of my past caught up with me, as they always do. I found myself being convicted of my second felony at age eighteen. The court revoked my probation and I was stuck in jail with no way out; pregnant with my saving grace. I was lost and alone. All of my so called “friends” had left my side and I felt as though nobody cared about me. Susan began to send me letters while I was in jail. It was really the only mail that I received other than a few letters here and there from my child’s father. Those letters meant the world to me. Susan’s letters let me know that at least someone out there cared about me and could understand what I was going through. She was so encouraging and hopeful. She could relate to me in so many ways because she had been through so much herself. This is when our relationship began to deepen.

Our hometeam ( from left to right ) Angela, Scott,Me, Shane, Sandra, and Amada :)) These are my people !!

I was let out of jail on probation again. I was eight months pregnant. Immediately I started attending a home-team at Susan’s church which she co-led on Wednesday evenings. The people there had all been through so much and were so accepting and loving. Through the Wednesday night meetings my relationship with Susan began to deepen even more. I started going to church with her on Sunday’s and found so much love and encouragement through her. We were going through stages of coming closer to God together. I knew Susan when she first came out of prison. She did not have a relationship with God then, and I have had the privilege of watching her transform into this amazing woman of God; that I can only hope to be someday. I am so thankful that God has placed Susan in my life. I would have been lost without her helping me along the way. I cannot wait to see what God has in store for her life. I have the honor of watching her touch the lives of others daily and I know exactly how it feels. Susan has touched my life beyond words. I love you so much Susan. Thank you so much for everything. To quote Christian singer Francesca Battistelli “You are the Angel by my-side.”

Love Always,

Angela 

 Angela and I at my 50th Birthday Party !!!!!

8322 Van Pelt - My childhood HOME

Wow it was a very powerful day yesterday as I went back through my childhood home on Van Pelt. What was so amazing is I could embrace this visit in truth and light where before I felt as if I had to hide what had happened there.

As I was driving down I-30 I began to get nervous about this visit, 8322 Van Pelt always makes me nervous. It was a house of pain, horror, and tragedy for me but I also know somewhere buried deep are memories of love , adoration, and a family life I can’t remember .  So I braced the  steering wheel and pleaded with God to bring forth more healing so I can move forward and hopefully bring to surface the memories that I know are buried under the pain. This plea to God brought tears to my eyes but I could feel His strength and the fear and dread left me.

As I exited St. Francis I began to get somewhat excited about the possibilities and what may happen. I also prepared myself for the onslaught of memories that were sure to come as they always do and so thankful for the strength that God has instilled in me to face these demons from my past head on, so I can stand in complete victory over the darkness.

Driving down St. Francis I glanced down the streets where my childhood friends used to live. First Bellingham, next Londonderry, and then Jim Miller. Deciding to take a left on Jim Miller I drove down to Dorrington and took a right glancing at the home that still has the blue trim paint where Glen and Gwen Phillips had lived,remembering his tragic death when I was in eighth grade. Silently I said a prayer and decided to go up my alley .

As I drove up the alley I had a memory surface of David teaching me to ride a bike, we were at the end of our driveway and I sat upon the bicycle with the banana seat as David held me up. He gave me a push, a little too hard, and I went down the alley careening into the Cashs' chain link fence falling over onto the cement. David came running  and doctored my bloodied knee and he even bought me some candy. Later when my dad got home David got blamed for my injury. I'm not sure if I played this up or not by exaggerating my injury ,it was somewhat of a sad memory because although I remembered the love and doting of my daddy and even David  I felt somewhat guilty that David got into trouble. I think my dad was very hard on David so this memory brought mixed emotions.

As I pulled up to the driveway I remembered the yellow car that my dad had parked there after his best friend committed suicide. As a child I would peer into the windows looking at the bloodstained seats wondering why on earth my dad left that car there for me to see. This was only 6 months after David’s death and it was always so very  disturbing. Shaking the memory away I drove on up the alley and remembered playing kickball, red rover, flag football  and other games with my childhood neighbors . These memories brought a smile to my face.

Finally I turned  left on St. Francis then left on Van Pelt and parked my car ready to go into my old home. Nervously I knocked on the door , which was the original door my dad had installed. Seconds later I was greeted with a warm hug by Judy ( the current owner of the home)  and she invited me in asking me to sit at the kitchen table and have a cup of coffee. It was a perfect beginning .

As we drank our coffee I just shared my life with her sitting at the kitchen table with the bay window that I remembered so vividly. As I looked down the utility room I asked her if I could use the restroom remembering there was a powder bath down past the washer and dryer. Walking towards the bath I touched the place that held the built in ironing board. I was somewhat amazed at my recollection for details and smiled and sighed deeply as I began to relax.

Judy and I talked for over an hour which was so essential for this visit, I am so thankful to her for her hospitality and willingness to spend time with me. What a huge blessing. She then told me to tour the home alone and take all the pictures that I wanted. Standing up I wiped my palms on my jeans because they were sweating slightly then I grabbed my  phone and went through my childhood home ready to face my past and embrace my future.

As expected the tragic memories arose first as I passed the different rooms: David’s room was now an office but I just remembered it as the forbidden room with the shut doors that I was too scared to enter. Walking into it I realized it was just a room and held no power over me.

Next I went to the powder room where mother was passed out most often but this time it hurt a little less as I noticed the detail of the tile counter tops and smiled again at the little custom touches my dad made when he built this home in 1963.

After that I went into my parents’ bedroom and as always remembered the fire and my mother in a drunken haze trying to put sheets on a bed frame thinking a mattress was there. I stood where I did in 1979, back then I was wearing my cheerleading uniform for the very last time and I just watched my mother as she tripped over the frame laughing somewhat bitterly until I got really scared and helped her walk to my childhood room where I tucked her into bed.

The emotions then were so conflicting because I felt such love and hate. Yesterday I just felt sad for the pain my mother could not endure and for the little girl within me who was left with far too many responsibilities but I also felt such thankfulness for who I am today and for surviving. Smiling I walked into my teenage room feeling relief.

This room was my escape from my reality where I danced, sang, and watched endless TV . A room where I felt safe and secure.

Next was my pink bathroom that I loved with my triangular bathtub.

Again I was amazed at how it was just the same as it was back then. Smiling I moved into my childhood room where I found my mother’s body and again I felt sadness which is normal but the darkness I always felt before was gone. It was just  room and nothing more.

Feeling somewhat empowered by the revelation that the darkness was finally  gone and that this house had no evil power over me I went into the den. My main memories of this room were celebrating my 17^th birthday alone on the blue shag rug and then a year and a half later sitting in the exact same place waiting anxiously for my dad to arrive after finding my mother’s body.

As the sadness passed I looked towards the fireplace remembering the little blue Christmas stocking made out of felt which had a snowman on it. On Christmas morning it would be on the hearth haven fallen from the mantle filled with an orange, chocolate coin candy, and some almonds as well as other things. Then I remembered as a small child sneaking down the hall peering into the den to see what Santa Claus had brought me and running into my parents bedroom and jumping between them begging them to get up and my daddy hugging me tight telling me to wait a little longer because it was only 4 in the morning and falling back to sleep snuggled in his arms. That was the greatest memory of all. A little more healing took place yesterday and Judy said I could come back as many times as I needed. I feel so very blessed.

Please look at a few more pictures that I took in the gallery area. God is so good !!!