8322 Van Pelt - My childhood HOME

Wow it was a very powerful day yesterday as I went back through my childhood home on Van Pelt. What was so amazing is I could embrace this visit in truth and light where before I felt as if I had to hide what had happened there.

As I was driving down I-30 I began to get nervous about this visit, 8322 Van Pelt always makes me nervous. It was a house of pain, horror, and tragedy for me but I also know somewhere buried deep are memories of love , adoration, and a family life I can’t remember .  So I braced the  steering wheel and pleaded with God to bring forth more healing so I can move forward and hopefully bring to surface the memories that I know are buried under the pain. This plea to God brought tears to my eyes but I could feel His strength and the fear and dread left me.

As I exited St. Francis I began to get somewhat excited about the possibilities and what may happen. I also prepared myself for the onslaught of memories that were sure to come as they always do and so thankful for the strength that God has instilled in me to face these demons from my past head on, so I can stand in complete victory over the darkness.

Driving down St. Francis I glanced down the streets where my childhood friends used to live. First Bellingham, next Londonderry, and then Jim Miller. Deciding to take a left on Jim Miller I drove down to Dorrington and took a right glancing at the home that still has the blue trim paint where Glen and Gwen Phillips had lived,remembering his tragic death when I was in eighth grade. Silently I said a prayer and decided to go up my alley .

As I drove up the alley I had a memory surface of David teaching me to ride a bike, we were at the end of our driveway and I sat upon the bicycle with the banana seat as David held me up. He gave me a push, a little too hard, and I went down the alley careening into the Cashs' chain link fence falling over onto the cement. David came running  and doctored my bloodied knee and he even bought me some candy. Later when my dad got home David got blamed for my injury. I'm not sure if I played this up or not by exaggerating my injury ,it was somewhat of a sad memory because although I remembered the love and doting of my daddy and even David  I felt somewhat guilty that David got into trouble. I think my dad was very hard on David so this memory brought mixed emotions.

As I pulled up to the driveway I remembered the yellow car that my dad had parked there after his best friend committed suicide. As a child I would peer into the windows looking at the bloodstained seats wondering why on earth my dad left that car there for me to see. This was only 6 months after David’s death and it was always so very  disturbing. Shaking the memory away I drove on up the alley and remembered playing kickball, red rover, flag football  and other games with my childhood neighbors . These memories brought a smile to my face.

Finally I turned  left on St. Francis then left on Van Pelt and parked my car ready to go into my old home. Nervously I knocked on the door , which was the original door my dad had installed. Seconds later I was greeted with a warm hug by Judy ( the current owner of the home)  and she invited me in asking me to sit at the kitchen table and have a cup of coffee. It was a perfect beginning .

As we drank our coffee I just shared my life with her sitting at the kitchen table with the bay window that I remembered so vividly. As I looked down the utility room I asked her if I could use the restroom remembering there was a powder bath down past the washer and dryer. Walking towards the bath I touched the place that held the built in ironing board. I was somewhat amazed at my recollection for details and smiled and sighed deeply as I began to relax.

Judy and I talked for over an hour which was so essential for this visit, I am so thankful to her for her hospitality and willingness to spend time with me. What a huge blessing. She then told me to tour the home alone and take all the pictures that I wanted. Standing up I wiped my palms on my jeans because they were sweating slightly then I grabbed my  phone and went through my childhood home ready to face my past and embrace my future.

As expected the tragic memories arose first as I passed the different rooms: David’s room was now an office but I just remembered it as the forbidden room with the shut doors that I was too scared to enter. Walking into it I realized it was just a room and held no power over me.

Next I went to the powder room where mother was passed out most often but this time it hurt a little less as I noticed the detail of the tile counter tops and smiled again at the little custom touches my dad made when he built this home in 1963.

After that I went into my parents’ bedroom and as always remembered the fire and my mother in a drunken haze trying to put sheets on a bed frame thinking a mattress was there. I stood where I did in 1979, back then I was wearing my cheerleading uniform for the very last time and I just watched my mother as she tripped over the frame laughing somewhat bitterly until I got really scared and helped her walk to my childhood room where I tucked her into bed.

The emotions then were so conflicting because I felt such love and hate. Yesterday I just felt sad for the pain my mother could not endure and for the little girl within me who was left with far too many responsibilities but I also felt such thankfulness for who I am today and for surviving. Smiling I walked into my teenage room feeling relief.

This room was my escape from my reality where I danced, sang, and watched endless TV . A room where I felt safe and secure.

Next was my pink bathroom that I loved with my triangular bathtub.

Again I was amazed at how it was just the same as it was back then. Smiling I moved into my childhood room where I found my mother’s body and again I felt sadness which is normal but the darkness I always felt before was gone. It was just  room and nothing more.

Feeling somewhat empowered by the revelation that the darkness was finally  gone and that this house had no evil power over me I went into the den. My main memories of this room were celebrating my 17^th birthday alone on the blue shag rug and then a year and a half later sitting in the exact same place waiting anxiously for my dad to arrive after finding my mother’s body.

As the sadness passed I looked towards the fireplace remembering the little blue Christmas stocking made out of felt which had a snowman on it. On Christmas morning it would be on the hearth haven fallen from the mantle filled with an orange, chocolate coin candy, and some almonds as well as other things. Then I remembered as a small child sneaking down the hall peering into the den to see what Santa Claus had brought me and running into my parents bedroom and jumping between them begging them to get up and my daddy hugging me tight telling me to wait a little longer because it was only 4 in the morning and falling back to sleep snuggled in his arms. That was the greatest memory of all. A little more healing took place yesterday and Judy said I could come back as many times as I needed. I feel so very blessed.

Please look at a few more pictures that I took in the gallery area. God is so good !!!

Matthew 6 :33 Seek the Kingdom of God[d] above all else...

Matthew 6 :33 Seek the Kingdom of God[d] above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.

This morning as I was driving to church I thought about this scripture because honestly I really didn’t want to go to church. I had decided to stay home because I had the day off and I was just not going to do anything. All kind of justifications were going through my mind which is always a red flag for me. ( When I start justifying and rationalizing I need to take a long hard look at it because more often than not I am up to no good) The only reason I decided to go to church was because my son Sammy really wanted me to, he and his girlfriend Shelby were going and he wanted me there . So as hard as it is to admit I really went to church today because my son asked me to. As I was driving I was feeling somewhat convicted because of my motives and about the whole situation really. 

God then reminded me of how I was during my addiction, how my drug was my God and I did anything for it. He then asked me if I would go to those lengths for him. My heart was somewhat broken.

Jeremiah: 17:9-10 The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? 10 “I the LORD search the heart and examine the mind, to reward a man according to his conduct, according to what his deeds deserve.” 

At the height of my addiction my drug was my God and I worshipped it with complete abandon. I remember being out of drugs and getting a call in the middle of the night that I could get something. I would jump out of bed and drive for hours to feed my addiction. My schedule, even though I was a full time teacher , was arranged around my drug habit. Nothing was more important than the drugs. I put the drugs above everything else in my life : my marriage, my children, my career, etc.

God reminded me of that today and asked me if HE was as important to me NOW as the drugs were back then. WOW!! This brought upon a wave of conviction because sadly the answer is No. 
Sure I go to church every Sunday but I’m usually running a little late because I hit the snooze button on my alarm to get an extra 10 minutes of sleep. I NEVER EVER hit the snooze button when my dealer called and said I could “re-up”. My heart is breaking a little more.

Psalm 51 : 10 Create in me a clean heart, O God, And renew a steadfast spirit within me.

This is something I need to take a look at , I no longer worship a drug but are there other things or people in my life that I put before God ? 

Psalm 139: 23 Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. 24 Point out anything in me that offends you and lead me along the path of everlasting life.

God showed me what he found offensive in me this morning. What is so wonderful about God is that he admonishes us gently, that is how I knew this was from him: There was no guilt or condemnation just gentle conviction. 

Psalm 139: 23 Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. 24 Point out anything in me that offends you and lead me along the path of everlasting life.

God's amazing grace in my life

I received an e-mail through the site from someone requesting my testimony on a CD. I don't have it copied onto a CD but I have a video of me sharing at a First Baptist Church in Allen last spring.  I am including that video in my blog today . Hopefully that will help. Thanks everyone for all your support :) Your comments on my blogs and in my guestbook mean the world to me and are so uplifting. Have a Blessed and Happy New Year.   Susan

Standing on HIS TRUTH: finally rejecting the lie I believed for so long

For I, declares the LORD, will be a wall of fire around her, and I will be the glory in her midst. Sing for joy and be glad, O daughter of Zion; for behold I am coming and I will dwell in your midst, declares the LORD. As for you also, because of the blood of My covenant with you, I have set your prisoners free from the waterless pit. Return to the stronghold, O prisoners who have the hope; This... very day I am declaring that I will restore double to you.
Zechariah 2:5, 10, 9:11-12

Daughters of Zion
The Lord is in your midst
He has fought all your battles
And He has won victoriously
Even death itself could not stop Him
He bought you from the hand of the enemy
Delivered you from your chains

This brought me such comfort today and really spoke to me confirming that I am the daughter of the Most High, at times I forget that is my identity in Christ !!! There is something that has been on my mind a lot lately and it is something I have never really shared. I have talked about it with a few friends but I didn’t even mention it in my book. For some reason I have always minimized it because it really wasn’t that bad yet it has always bothered me and when I think of it I am brought to tears. Because of the emotion that arises this must be something that God wants me to deal with so I am going to share it because I receive a lot of healing through my writing and being open and transparent. This is not a black or white situation, there are many gray areas of which I have learned can be the most dangerous areas of all. My recollection of this night and the next day are hazy in parts and detailed in others. So I will just share my memory as I recall it.

Let’s go back to my junior year 1978…

It was a school night in the spring of ’78. I came home about 9:30 or 10:00 after hanging out with a boy I liked alot. I was in a really good mood and when I walked in the door got even more excited when I noticed my dad was there. He hadn’t been home in a long time. He was already asleep so I just went into my room to get ready for bed. Mother wasn’t there; I’m not sure where she was. She was either at Doctor’s Hospital in detox or she had gone to visit my sister in Panhandle. All I know is it was a relief that she was gone, it gave me a break from taking care of her and a reprieve of being worried that I would find her dead which was always on my mind. Smiling I put on my pajamas and crawled into bed feeling content.

I think I had dozed off for a bit but was awakened when my door opened and I saw a man standing in my doorway. I was startled at first but then relieved when I recognized who he was, although confused about why he was there. His voice slurred as he said “Hi Susan, how are you doing? you sure look pretty tonight” as he walked over to my bed. My relief turned to puzzlement then to fear as sat on the edge of my bed and started grabbing me. I sat up quickly and asked him what he was doing. He started touching me and I was just so very scared. I could smell alcohol on his breath and if I could recognize anything I could recognize drunkenness, I knew he was very intoxicated. This was someone I trusted and I was shocked at what he was doing. Quickly I rolled the other way and hopped out of bed running into my Daddy’s room. I woke him up telling him his friend was there. My dad talked to him for a minute and told him he needed to go home. After he left I broke down crying telling my dad what happened. It wasn’t that big of deal, it wasn’t like I was sexually assaulted or anything but it was still very disturbing.

The next morning I went to school and I was an emotional wreck. Cheerleading was first period so I didn’t have to be around a lot of people. I didn’t understand why I was so emotional but I couldn’t stop crying . I didn’t tell anyone what happened but I had to leave the school. For some reason I didn’t have my car that day and as I was crying in the Student Center I ran into Leah . She was concerned about me and gave me her keys so I could leave and try to get myself together. Driving her red Vega I went home to an empty house and walked into my bedroom. As sobs racked my body I fell onto my bed shaking. It still amazes me how upset I got because nothing really happened, I was out of the bed before he could do anything . He had barely touched me but I was violated none the less because I trusted him and he violated me in my home where he had access because he had a key.
After awhile my phone rang, ( I can picture the princess touch tone phone that sat on my nightstand, I can even remember my phone number: 327-0890 was my private line and 327-5606 was my parents’ line. I was very privileged in many ways with gifts and material possessions lavished upon me but what I wanted most, really needed most, was attention, love, and affection and sadly I don’t remember receiving those especially in those later years )

It was my dad was calling, I don’t know how he knew I was home but he did. He kept saying “You’re okay.” He said “He( our friend) was just drunk and would never do anything like that sober. You just need to not think about this and you will be fine.” !!” My dad kept justifying what our family friend had done. Basically he was telling me to pretend it didn’t happen , that was the way my family dealt with everything. So I just took a deep breath wiping away my tears and went back to school pretending nothing happened and reminding myself that it wasn’t that bad because he barely touched me.
The memory still makes me cry and that surprises me but I think what hurts the most was my dad’s reaction. I needed him to be my defender and protector that day standing up for his little girl but he laid it all down because he didn’t want to have that tough conversation with his friend. His silence on the matter spoke volumes to me that day. I already believed that I was alone, unloved, unworthy, and damaged. His reaction that day just made me believe the lie even more.

One thing I have always been grateful for is that my dad was there, I am not sure what would have happened if I had been alone. The man was very drunk but he was also a very large man and I just don’t know………so in some ways my Dad was my protector that night ,just by his presence and of course I know God was watching over me too.

Proverbs 16: 33 We may throw the dice,but the LORD determines how they fall.

The other day I heard from a dear friend of mine who was excited about my website and my book. She is a very sweet girl and her message took me back to how we became acquainted years ago. I am a firm believer in God’s Sovereignty over all aspects of our lives so I know our connection was not by chance but part of the Lord’s master plan. Proverbs 16: 33 We may throw the dice,[a]but the LORD determines how they fall.

Let’s go back to September 2006, this was the first time I ever shared or spoke publically. I was only speaking for 5-10 minutes but in that time I would share with my church that I was a recovering drug addict and had been to prison for the first time. I was so nervous but the Lord was with me directing my steps. After sharing I was embraced by the congregation, I was overwhelmed by the kindness and acceptance I received. This was a true picture of what church should be, I did not experience any judgment. I received more hugs that day than in my entire life. It was at New Hope Christian Church in Wylie and God did some amazing things through that service two of which I heard about later . 

That evening Kerri and Dan Jenson stopped by my house to tell me something that had happened after the service that day.

(Dan and Kerri are the parents of Alex Jensen who died tragically in a snow skiing accident on December 28, 2004, his death as tragic and heartbreaking as it was led me and many others to the Lord! (I just realized today is the anniversary of his death) I will be forever grateful for the impact the Jensen’s have had on my life and God certainly brought good from this tragic situation. Romans 8: 28 And we know that God causes everything to work together[m] for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them)

Dan told me that after the service a man they didn’t know walked up to them and said he had just stopped by the church, he had not planned on it but he drove by and stopped. He had just been released from prison for drug charges and had just buried his father the day before. As he was talking to Dan he pulled out a baggie containing drugs. He had planned on getting high but after the service decided to destroy his drugs. Dan then prayed for him. I don’t know what happened to that man after that day and I don’t know if anyone else does but I was so blessed to hear that story of how God worked through my mistakes and failures to help someone else. It was so very powerful!!!

The next thing that happened resulted in a lasting friendship and relationship that I cherish. This letter says it all and I am so thankful to Rebecca for writing it and sharing her pain and healing with me and letting me share it with others. God is quite amazing. As I have said before I believe when we get to Heaven we will meet many people whose lives we have touched and didn’t even realize it. We will each have our own “It’s a Wonderful Life” experience. I have been so blessed to have that experience in this lifetime and I am so very thankful for the relationships I have developed which have all been part of God’s master plan. Here is the special letter I received from Rebecca, I love her so and am so proud of her:)

My road to recovery started one Sunday night in September 2006. I had missed church that morning because I had went with my Father instead. I had been attending New Hope, in Wylie every Sunday for a couple of months at this point. It had become something that I desperately needed to attend to get through the week. New Hope had started posting their sermons on-line for people to listen to. I decided to get on-line and catch up on the sermon that I had missed. I was surprised at how emotional I had gotten from this service. I honestly do not know how I would have held up if I was at church that morning. I would have needed extra tissue for sure.

Susan had shared her testimony that day at church. I did not know Susan at the time I heard her on-line but I knew that I had to meet her. At this point in my life, I was using drugs and had come to a point that I needed change in my life. I was worn down emotionally and physically and I was only 23. I was dealing with issuses of divorce, rape, law suits, a bad break-up and had been working at a gentleman's club since I was 17. For five or six years I had dealt with a lot. From the outside I always looked strong but I was very hurt inside. I did not know what I was going to do, but I did know that drugs could not and would not be an option for me anymore. It started out just drinking and I had turned to hard drugs as an escape from my problems. This only caused more problems and I had become a person that I hated. I was having frequent car wrecks. I was getting traffic tickets that I was not taking care of and the list goes on. It was just getting worse every day.

Listening to Susan's story made my problems seem so small. Our problems and pasts were different but same in the way that in which we coped with our problems. I had been through and dealt with more than a lot of people my age. I thought that if there was hope for Susan, there was hope for me. Within a few weeks I had a friend at church introduce me to Susan. I told her that I listened to her story and that she was awesome. To see her smile and for her to know that her past helped me was awesome. I ended up going to Susan's hometeam through church and opening up about my life and sharing things that I normally would keep to myself. I listened to her and loved how open and honest she was. I was so comfortable with that group of people. Nothing I said would have made them judge me in a bad way. I talked about Susan pretty much everyday to anyone who would listen. I even burned the sermon onto a CD and I would make evryone listen. If they did not want to listen, they did anyway. I still have that same CD to this day.

It was about one week after I heard Susan's testimony that I stopped using drugs and I have been clean ever since. I know that Susan's story was just the first step to my recovery. Three months later my Mother was diagnosed with inflamatory breast cancer. She fought for almost three years before the cancer took her life. If I had not heard Susan's testimony and had her influence in my life and turned to God I do not know if I would have handled the death of my Mother as well as I did. I honestly do not even have words to describe how much Susan really has helped me. When I feel like I am backsliding in my faith, I have to stop and remember where I was just five years ago. It is easy to sometimes forget the good things that we have done to overcome the evil of our pasts. Susan is doing more and more to spread the word of God to help people. Even the women in prison get to hear her story. I am very thankful that I never had to meet her there. I could have easily gone in that direction. Those women are so lucky to have Susan in their life and to hear her story. Susan is such a strong, loving and beautiful person inside and out. Her drug addiction is her past and that is what made her into the beautiful person that she is today. I love her very much.

Rebecca Burns