"Assuredly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God as a little child will by no means enter it." Mark 10:15

Riley amazes me , she is so incredibly smart and insightful. Earlier today she ran into the room with her Barbie drawing board which is kind of like an etch-a-sketch with a pen and asked me if I remember when me, her, and Momma bought it . She reminded me we bought Momma some shorts also and that she ( Riley ) took my picture with her camera. She was right. Alexis Rose Washington, Riley and I wen...t to Target a few weeks before she died and bought all of those things. We had a lot of fun shopping , I had really forgotten about that day and I am so glad Riley reminded me.

Later we were driving to Walmart so Riley could spend her birthday money and she proceeded to tell me that the day Momma died Momma almost took her to work with her and that they had to turn around and go to Jens. She said her and Momma laughed because she forgot to take her to Jens . I don't know know what that is about . I asked some questions but then Riley told me matter of factly that she didn't want to talk about the day Momma died anymore but she would talk about it tomorrow if I wanted :)) so I let it go.

She had gotten 20 dollars for her birthday and she spent every bit of it . Her favorite thing right now is those Lalaloopsey dolls and that is what she bought. I always call them Lala Palooza dolls and she corrects me every time saying "Mimi they aren't Lalapaloozas they are Lalaloopsey:)) Anyway we were driving home and she asked me if I missed Momma and I said yes very much, then she asked if I cried and I said yes that I cry a lot because I miss her so much . She said she cried too and I just assured her it was fine to cry.

As we parked in front of the house she then asked if we would all go to Heaven one day and see Momma again. I told her yes but I just didn't know when that would be. Then she blew me away !!! She told me she asked God if she could go to Heaven to see Momma but He told her it wasn't time yet and then she got out of the car and ran to the house asking me to open her Lalaloopsey's so she could play.

In stunned silence I watched this little angel run in the door thanking God that my daughter got pregnant at 15 because I couldn't imagine life without Riley especially now. She is such a blessing . She always has been a blessing I just recognize it more now. I could feel God and Alexis smiling down on both of us . It is a moment I will always cherish. I just love it : Riley talks to God and He talks to her and she understands HIM. Our God is an awesome God !!!

Revelation 3:20 Here I am! I stand at the door and knock.

God continues to reveal himself to me as I walk this road of sorrow and for that I am grateful . I’m so thankful for the openness and transparency that I am able to have through this time. Through this openness and transparency  my surviving  children, Hailey and Sammy, feel the freedom to express their pain and share their feelings. Riley can do the same. There is no subject  or conversations that are off limits , even the tough ones that hurt. We talk about Alexis in honesty and truth .

  I remember back to David’s ( my brother) death and how closed off my parents were. We NEVER discussed David or the circumstances of his death . It was a forbidden subject and to this day I still have questions that will never be answered because there were no open lines of communication. And now there is no one left to answer the questions in my mind. We just held in our pain and it ate away at all of us ultimately destroying my mother and father.

 I am so thankful that I finally opened the door and let God into my heart. He was always there but we HAVE to make the choice to let him in, he won’t force us. It doesn’t’ escape me that the situation that was the catalyst that finally broke down the walls around my broken heart were the Jensen’s losing there their son Alex. As I watched them walk through that tragic circumstance with courage and strength I was amazed and knew I needed whatever they had.  My fears were they would self destruct as my parents did when they lost David in a tragic untimely way. But the Jensen’s came out on the other side stronger and  trusting God .  I was in awe of this thinking there must be more to this God. I was in a dangerous place because I somewhat believed in God but I didn’t know he was alive and working in the lives of those who loved and believed in him. I just thought he was a distant being not too sure what he thought about me because of all the tragedies that had happened in my life. What I really thought was that HE must hate me because I had lost so much and that I must be so incredibly bad for him to punish me with the deaths of David, mother, and Kathey. So I was just living my life in limbo feeling I must be the most awful person and just waiting for the rest of the world to figure it out. Then I learned how wrong I was and in time I learned what a loving father he was and how HIS heart broke with mine through every tragic circumstance.

 Finally that one incredible night when Dan Jensen was sharing about some guilt he felt about Alex and how God had told him that guilt was not from HIM but from the enemy and to not carry it. In that precious moment God reached through the Heavens and touched my fragile heart . The walls and barriers  that had been building up for decades came tumbling down and I shared the truth about my life, who I was, and the mistakes I had made . In that moment the healing began and I accepted Jesus as my  Lord , Savior , and Leader of my life. I was surrounded with love by my church , New Hope Wylie. Now of course a “church” is really the people who make up the church. We do have a building but it is just a building. The people are the real church. We live life together and are in relationship.  The name is so very appropriate : I found New Hope at New Hope :)  

That was a little over 7 years ago. I love numbers ( maybe I take after my earthly daddy in that area) but from research I know that the number 7 represents spiritual completion .  As you know God did create the world in 7 days. I now know God was preparing my heart, soul, and spirit for this time and I am so thankful that I can cling to HIM and feel His love.

When I think back to mother’s and Kathey’s deaths and the hopelessness I felt , the pain was unbearable . I mean I felt a physical pain in my heart when I thought of Kathey being gone forever. Mother , I just didn’t want to think about because I thought I killed her and thought I was a murderer.  Also after Kathey died many people would say  she was in a better place where there was no  more pain or suffering. That would make me so angry, I didn’t want to hear it. I wanted her here with me. That reaction was a result of not knowing God and believing in HIS plans and purpose. That reaction was very selfish. That reaction was a result of not having a personal relationship with Jesus.

 Today I KNOW my Rosebud is in a better place and I am thankful and joyful for that even in the midst of the sorrow and grief I can see HIS goodness . Although I don’t understand it all I TRUST him completely and choose to walk this road that is mine to walk hand in hand with my Lord and Savior. So thankful for the place I am in today. I couldn’t’ be doing this without HIM , I know I would be destroyed . I am just so grateful he never gave up on me and continued to knock at the door of my heart and I am thankful I finally made the choice to let him in.

Revelation 3:20

New International Version (NIV)

²⁰ Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with that person, and they with me.

It's been a month and a day since Alexis died.

Wow I can't believe it has been a month and a day since Alexis died. It still seems unreal. What has been heavy on my mind tonight is just thinking of those moments when you pass from life to death. She was here once second and gone the next. I am resting in her bed just remembering her and wondering about those last seconds. I think it happened so fast she didn't know what hit her and I don't th...ink she suffered , for that I am thankful.

It is just that she is gone. I was looking at her 100 bottles of shampoo, conditioner, and face wash :)) remembering the endless conversations that we had about her skin. I would assure her that when she got older she would appreciate the oily skin that caused her such embarrassment in her teens because she would look young. She didn't want to hear it , she just wanted clear skin. She was so mad that she was 20 and still breaking out. Tonight , sadly I thought she will never grow older to see that I was right :)

What was really strange is I saw her on Tuesday June 5th and her face was broken out, she was even telling me about another product she wanted to try to clear up her skin. On Thursday when I saw her after she died her skin was clear, not a blemish. This was much more noticeable at the funeral home on Friday after she had been cleaned up. I was amazed that her skin was so clear. I think that was a God thing, I really do. She looked as if she was sleeping peacefully and her skin was beautiful. There was a softness to her that made me want to embrace her. That was a gift to all of us :)) I just knew she would be so happy to finally have clear skin. So thankful to God for how he has and continues to reveal himself to me during this time. I just miss her so very much and sad that the future that was looking so much brighter for her ended abruptly. But honestly her future is brighter than ever now because she is living with the Lord and has no more pain. She is in a better place and I will see her one day and when that day comes it will be as if we were never apart.
Revelation 21
4 ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’[b] or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”

At one time I was somewhat frightened to die but now I'm not. Sammy and I discussed that tonight . And really our time on this earth is nothing compared to eternity, it is a flash . So although I was sad ( and that is normal ) I am full of hope and joy knowing God is the leader of my life , trusting HIS plan although I don't understand it. My faith is so strong and I BELIEVE. Faith is like wind , you can't see it but you know it is there.

Hebrews 11:1 Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.

I love that :))

The second to the last entry of Alexis' journal :(

Here is the next entry in Alexis' journal. It was the next to the last one and I wish I could find more. She didn't date this one, it came after 1/11/12 and before 2/22/12 because that is the date of her last entry.

All I know is after she started working  at the church she felt better about herself and her life . That makes me happy. She was so happy to get this job at the church and she did what she had to do. It was a hard job, she cleaned the church: rooms, windows, toilets, and whatever needed to be cleaned. It was hard physical work but hard work builds character and you can see by her writing that she felt good about becoming responsible.

Thanking God that she got this job, it was the platform for the change in her life. There were times she would cry to me that it was hard and she didn't like cleaning toilets and I would just tell her I was proud of her and to keep doing the best she could and things would get better, it might take awhile but it would happen. God would bless her if she was humble  and if her heart was in the right place, a place of gratitude for the job she had , our attitude is so important. 

She was truly thankful for this opportunity even though is was so very hard and  she loved the women she worked with, she was even learning Spanish.

At her Memorial Service over 20 people showed up from First Baptist Allen to remember Alexis and I will never forget them hugging me with tears in their eyes letting me know how much they thought of her. She said it best " they see the best in me"  She had been in a rut for awhile, we all go through ruts in our lives but she had emerged from that slump having hope about her future. I would always tell her I knew God had a great plan for her life and would claim Jeremiah 29:11 for her as I recited it to her.

Jeremiah 29:11

New International Version

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

I can tell by her writings that she listened soaking in God's words and promises. Things were always  hard for Alexis and she tried so hard but now there is no more pain or sorrow because she is in Heaven probably amazed at the impact her life and death have made on so many lives.  I tried to let her know how special she was and now I know she believes me and sees herself through God's eyes knowing she was more than the choices that she  made,  she was more than the sum of her past mistakes,  and she was more than the problems she created,  She was remade and then called home.

She must have been having some trouble with her friends at this time, as we all do. But I know those issues got better because I think she was coming to a realization at a very young age that it shouldn't matter was "man" thinks about us we need to be concerned about what God thinks about us. I believe God was so very proud of his beautiful, spirited, strong willed, loving, daughter. All I know is I admire her.

We just never realized her future on this earth would be so short. Thanking God for my time with her and so thankful HE sent HIS Son so we could have eternal life. Knowing I will see her again brings me such happiness. Our time on this earth is a blink of an eye compared to eternity. God is so GOOD !!!

  

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Tuesday

Jul032012

July 3, 1971- The Day David Committed Suicide

Susan Washington

This is our old boathouse where I spent endless summers.

This has always been a tough time of year for me, it is the day my brother committed suicide. It is the day of my first memory. It was the 4th of July weekend and we were at our lake house at Cedar Creek. I was eagerly awaiting the arrival of my 18 year old brother David. Typically I wouldn't have really cared when he got to the lake but on this holiday he was bringing the fireworks and he was in charge.  I couldn't do anything until he got there not even a smoke bomb or a sparkler. I could barely contain my excitement as I kept looking up to the blacktop road to see if his brown Camaro was driving up.  After awhile I decided to ski to pass the time as I waited.

I was in the water  right by the  pier about to ski. Norman hadn't pulled  the slack out of the rope so I was struggling keeping my slalom ski up. Being 1971 I don't think water safety was what it is today and we always skied in the life preservers that went around the waist, like a ring you could pull tighter or looser depending on your size. Thinking back that wasn't a very safe preserver but we used them nonetheless, maybe we didn't know any better. Anyway I was struggling with my ski when I noticed  Joe LaBarba and Bill McCartney walking down our pier with their heads downcast. Seeing Bill was normal , Bill was one of my parents best friends and their lake house was a few lots down, we vacationed with them , and basically lived life with this family. Seeing Joe was a different story. He had a very nice lake house a few lots down the other way and although we were acquaintances and my parents knew him pretty well we didn't hang out at the lake ever. I remember wondering what was up so I continued to observe the situation as I struggled with my ski. My mother and father were sitting at a table under a green and white umbrella on the pier. Joe and Bill approached them and bent down whispering something , I know it was a whisper because I was right in the water by the pier and couldn't hear what they said, I could always hear conversations from the water but these words were not meant for my ears. After Joe spoke my mother collapsed and had to be carried off the pier.

(This where I was in the water when my parents heard of David's suicide. This is my first and one of my most vivid memories.)

My memory fades at that point . All I remember is a bustle of activity and then we were in Norman's car driving back to Dallas. The car was filled with silence for the whole ride. Little did I know that the cold silence I experienced that day would permeate our lives through the deaths of the rest of my family. I had so many questions that I wanted to ask but the silence was overpowering and I NEVER asked the questions the kept coming to the surface of my mind for decades to come.

All I know is my brother David who was 18 at the time had taken my father's gun and put it to his head taking his life at our home in Dallas- 8322 Van Pelt. He had sent his friend Dean to the store and as he was getting back he heard the gun shot but could not get in the house. At least that is what I was told in fragments of conversations because David's death and David was a forbidden subject in our home from July 3, 1971 forward. We never spoke of him again . The only remnants that he existed was a photo of him and Kathey that hung in our formal living room next to a photo of me by myself.  It seems I was always set apart and still am.

(David's room today. For years we shut the doors to his room and never opened them. It was the forbidden room)

(Standing in front of 8322 Van Pelt. For years I thought of this home as the House of Death but I know God will bring forth the many good memories that happened there.)

(The only remnant of David that remained in our home was this photo)

Those were my thoughts as I woke up this morning remembering David and then the realization set in that Alexis was gone as well. Sometimes in those first moments when I wake up I forget she died and then it all comes flooding back taking my breath away but in those moments I begin to pray and the God of all comfort wraps me in HIS arms and I feel HIS peace surrounding my broken heart, mending it back together.

As I sat up in bed I glanced over at Riley who was sleeping upside down :)) and I covered her with her princess blanket so very thankful that we have her and I began to think of David's death as well as Alexis' death.

David's death destroyed my parents , they never recovered and both of the them slowly self destructed as a couple and individually . As my parents fell apart so did our family unit and I was left to care for myself and later I would have to take care of  my mother  trying  to make sense of what was happening. This was a heavy burden for a teenage girl to carry but I did it to the best of my ability.  I was so very confused and I did my best to stay afloat , just hoping I could do something ( perform well in school, be popular) so they would pay attention to me but their pain was too deep and they didn't have the tools to survive . The bottom line is they didn't have a personal relationship with God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit. That relationship is the only one that can get you through the losses of all  loved ones but I think, well now I know, the loss of a child cuts the deepest. I didn't know I had such depth to feel such raw pain. It is hard to describe.

On the other hand Alexis' death WILL make me stronger. I will keep her memory alive with photos, videos, and talking about her at lengths. She will live on forever in our hearts. And although her death at such a young age is tragic I trust God will bring good from it and many will come to know him through her life an death. That gives me hope !!  That knowledge lets HIS light shine more brightly  through my brokenness.

There are open lines of communication with Sammy and Hailey , I can minister to them because I know what if feels like to lose a sibling , I have lost both of mine . I am grateful for that. I can tell them how not to grieve because I have a lot of experience with grieving inappropriately. Thankful that God is guiding me through and giving me the strength I need to be there for my kids and for Riley. My kids look to me for strength I can see it in their eyes as they look at me with a  questioning look, a little scared that the death of Alexis might cause me to unravel. But I think they see that I am walking out my sorrow and God is walking along beside me carrying me when needed.

A few people have posted this song saying it reminded them of me. I finally listened to it and I had heard it before but the words never really stuck, until the words fit my life . The words blow me away. The song is the :

The Hurt & The Healer

Why?
The question that is never far away
The healing doesn’t come from the explained
Jesus please don’t let this go in vain
You’re all I have
All that remains

So here I am
What’s left of me
Where glory meets my suffering

I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I’ve fallen into Your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide

Breathe
Sometimes I feel it’s all that I can do
Pain so deep that I can hardly move
Just keep my eyes completely fixed on You
Lord take hold and pull me through

So here I am
What’s left of me
Where glory meets my suffering

I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I’ve fallen into your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide

It’s the moment when humanity
Is overcome by majesty
When grace is ushered in for good
And all our scars are understood
When mercy takes its rightful place
And all these questions fade away
When out of the weakness we must bow
And hear You say “It’s over now”

I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I’ve fallen into your arms open wide
When The hurt and the healer collide

Jesus come and break my fear
Awake my heart and take my tears
Find Your glory even here
When the hurt and the healer collide [x2]

Jesus come and break my fear
Awake my heart and take my tears
Find Your glory even here

Another view of the boathouse. A lot of good memories from there.

Right now I am feeling very hopeful knowing that I am handling Alexis' death to the best of my ability and leaning on God who is my provider, healer, and comforter. My children and grandchildren are witnessing this as well and we are grieving in a healthy way. We are all grieving differently as everyone does but within our family there is a safe place where we can communicate and say what is on our minds as we are overcome with emotions. When David died there was no safe place , my home was filled with land mines and I felt as if I had to tip toe around being as cautious as possible so nothing would blow up and when there were explosions I never understood what set them off so I became more cautious building up more walls to protect my young broken heart. God was right there protecting my heart though so it wouldn't become hard and callous as so often happens. I think that is one of the blessings I am most gratefu for is that my heart ( although it's been  broken repeatedly) never became cynical  or tough. Thanking God for HIS protection . All I know is His Glory has met my suffering and I am alive :))

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July 3, 1971- The Day David Committed Suicide

This is our old boathouse where I spent endless summers.

This has always been a tough time of year for me, it is the day my brother committed suicide. It is the day of my first memory. It was the 4th of July weekend and we were at our lake house at Cedar Creek. I was eagerly awaiting the arrival of my 18 year old brother David. Typically I wouldn't have really cared when he got to the lake but on this holiday he was bringing the fireworks and he was in charge.  I couldn't do anything until he got there not even a smoke bomb or a sparkler. I could barely contain my excitement as I kept looking up to the blacktop road to see if his brown Camaro was driving up.  After awhile I decided to ski to pass the time as I waited.

I was in the water  right by the  pier about to ski. Norman hadn't pulled  the slack out of the rope so I was struggling keeping my slalom ski up. Being 1971 I don't think water safety was what it is today and we always skied in the life preservers that went around the waist, like a ring you could pull tighter or looser depending on your size. Thinking back that wasn't a very safe preserver but we used them nonetheless, maybe we didn't know any better. Anyway I was struggling with my ski when I noticed  Joe LaBarba and Bill McCartney walking down our pier with their heads downcast. Seeing Bill was normal , Bill was one of my parents best friends and their lake house was a few lots down, we vacationed with them , and basically lived life with this family. Seeing Joe was a different story. He had a very nice lake house a few lots down the other way and although we were acquaintances and my parents knew him pretty well we didn't hang out at the lake ever. I remember wondering what was up so I continued to observe the situation as I struggled with my ski. My mother and father were sitting at a table under a green and white umbrella on the pier. Joe and Bill approached them and bent down whispering something , I know it was a whisper because I was right in the water by the pier and couldn't hear what they said, I could always hear conversations from the water but these words were not meant for my ears. After Joe spoke my mother collapsed and had to be carried off the pier.

(This where I was in the water when my parents heard of David's suicide. This is my first and one of my most vivid memories.)

My memory fades at that point . All I remember is a bustle of activity and then we were in Norman's car driving back to Dallas. The car was filled with silence for the whole ride. Little did I know that the cold silence I experienced that day would permeate our lives through the deaths of the rest of my family. I had so many questions that I wanted to ask but the silence was overpowering and I NEVER asked the questions the kept coming to the surface of my mind for decades to come.

All I know is my brother David who was 18 at the time had taken my father's gun and put it to his head taking his life at our home in Dallas- 8322 Van Pelt. He had sent his friend Dean to the store and as he was getting back he heard the gun shot but could not get in the house. At least that is what I was told in fragments of conversations because David's death and David was a forbidden subject in our home from July 3, 1971 forward. We never spoke of him again . The only remnants that he existed was a photo of him and Kathey that hung in our formal living room next to a photo of me by myself.  It seems I was always set apart and still am.

(David's room today. For years we shut the doors to his room and never opened them. It was the forbidden room)

(Standing in front of 8322 Van Pelt. For years I thought of this home as the House of Death but I know God will bring forth the many good memories that happened there.)

(The only remnant of David that remained in our home was this photo)

Those were my thoughts as I woke up this morning remembering David and then the realization set in that Alexis was gone as well. Sometimes in those first moments when I wake up I forget she died and then it all comes flooding back taking my breath away but in those moments I begin to pray and the God of all comfort wraps me in HIS arms and I feel HIS peace surrounding my broken heart, mending it back together.

As I sat up in bed I glanced over at Riley who was sleeping upside down :)) and I covered her with her princess blanket so very thankful that we have her and I began to think of David's death as well as Alexis' death.

David's death destroyed my parents , they never recovered and both of the them slowly self destructed as a couple and individually . As my parents fell apart so did our family unit and I was left to care for myself and later I would have to take care of  my mother  trying  to make sense of what was happening. This was a heavy burden for a teenage girl to carry but I did it to the best of my ability.  I was so very confused and I did my best to stay afloat , just hoping I could do something ( perform well in school, be popular) so they would pay attention to me but their pain was too deep and they didn't have the tools to survive . The bottom line is they didn't have a personal relationship with God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit. That relationship is the only one that can get you through the losses of all  loved ones but I think, well now I know, the loss of a child cuts the deepest. I didn't know I had such depth to feel such raw pain. It is hard to describe.

On the other hand Alexis' death WILL make me stronger. I will keep her memory alive with photos, videos, and talking about her at lengths. She will live on forever in our hearts. And although her death at such a young age is tragic I trust God will bring good from it and many will come to know him through her life an death. That gives me hope !!  That knowledge lets HIS light shine more brightly  through my brokenness.

There are open lines of communication with Sammy and Hailey , I can minister to them because I know what if feels like to lose a sibling , I have lost both of mine . I am grateful for that. I can tell them how not to grieve because I have a lot of experience with grieving inappropriately. Thankful that God is guiding me through and giving me the strength I need to be there for my kids and for Riley. My kids look to me for strength I can see it in their eyes as they look at me with a  questioning look, a little scared that the death of Alexis might cause me to unravel. But I think they see that I am walking out my sorrow and God is walking along beside me carrying me when needed.

A few people have posted this song saying it reminded them of me. I finally listened to it and I had heard it before but the words never really stuck, until the words fit my life . The words blow me away. The song is the :

The Hurt & The Healer

Why?
The question that is never far away
The healing doesn’t come from the explained
Jesus please don’t let this go in vain
You’re all I have
All that remains

So here I am
What’s left of me
Where glory meets my suffering

I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I’ve fallen into Your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide

Breathe
Sometimes I feel it’s all that I can do
Pain so deep that I can hardly move
Just keep my eyes completely fixed on You
Lord take hold and pull me through

So here I am
What’s left of me
Where glory meets my suffering

I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I’ve fallen into your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide

It’s the moment when humanity
Is overcome by majesty
When grace is ushered in for good
And all our scars are understood
When mercy takes its rightful place
And all these questions fade away
When out of the weakness we must bow
And hear You say “It’s over now”

I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I’ve fallen into your arms open wide
When The hurt and the healer collide

Jesus come and break my fear
Awake my heart and take my tears
Find Your glory even here
When the hurt and the healer collide [x2]

Jesus come and break my fear
Awake my heart and take my tears
Find Your glory even here

Another view of the boathouse. A lot of good memories from there.

Right now I am feeling very hopeful knowing that I am handling Alexis' death to the best of my ability and leaning on God who is my provider, healer, and comforter. My children and grandchildren are witnessing this as well and we are grieving in a healthy way. We are all grieving differently as everyone does but within our family there is a safe place where we can communicate and say what is on our minds as we are overcome with emotions. When David died there was no safe place , my home was filled with land mines and I felt as if I had to tip toe around being as cautious as possible so nothing would blow up and when there were explosions I never understood what set them off so I became more cautious building up more walls to protect my young broken heart. God was right there protecting my heart though so it wouldn't become hard and callous as so often happens. I think that is one of the blessings I am most gratefu for is that my heart ( although it's been  broken repeatedly) never became cynical  or tough. Thanking God for HIS protection . All I know is His Glory has met my suffering and I am alive :))