Lessons from my Father

Me and Daddy about a month before he died

Daddy in the Navy

Today marks two years since my Daddy died . I know he is safe in the arms of our Lord and Savior and for that I am eternally grateful. As I was reflecting on his life and death this morning I thought of the lessons I have learned from him. It is much easier to learn from someone else’s mistakes than from your own. Here is what I have learned.

1. You can’t stop life after something painful happens and you can’t pretend it didn’t happen.
2. Building up walls to protect you from the pain of life keeps out the joy as well.
3. Our words can build up or tear down.
4. Be careful with sarcastic humor because at times it can cut like a knife whether you intend it to or not
5. Money and material things will not make you happy, it may make things easier but it will not make you happy.
6. A functional alcoholic is still an alcoholic. This is a progressive disease and progresses at different rates for different people.
7. God can restore any relationship.
8. With the power of God you can forgive anyone for anything.
9. People who appear strong and larger than life may be putting on a show to hide their weakness. In my experience that has been the case many times.
10. Hug your kids and tell them you love them and are proud of them often. And mean it!!  Focus on the positive things they do not the negative.

 Daddy on the left : We are on vacation in Red River

Daddy when he was a little older on vacation somewhere

I thank God for my daddy and I loved him with all my heart .  I am so thankful for the restoration God brought to our relationship. Although there had been so much pain and dysfunction his amazing intelligence and wit never escaped me. At his funeral numerous people told me he was the smartest and funniest man they had ever met.  I will never forget going to the funeral home to pick up my father’s ashes and driving to Grove Hill to have his funeral.

It was surreal driving with the now familiar blue box crematories store ashes in.  I had his service at my mother and brother’s burial sites. It was a beautiful crisp  day in December, December 18^th to be exact , a day before my 50^th birthday. God blessed me that day and I have included the video  of me speaking at his service. As I describe leading him to the Lord and that he is now reunited with my mother, sister, and brother a gentle breeze began to blow and you can hear the sound of beautiful chimes coming straight from heaven I’m sure. : ))

Below is the video if you don't want to watch the whole thing go to approximately 3:30 and that is when I begin to share about leading him to the Lord and the angels sing, well not sing but play their chimes :))

Daddy's Service 2 from Susan DeFace Washington on Vimeo.

It has now been six months:(

— with Alexis Rose Washington.

Alexis and Riley :) Christmas Day 2008Today marks six months since Alexis died. My feelings are all over the place and I think they are affected by a number of factors: first it is the holidays and all that entails, second the anniversary of my father’s death is approaching soon, he died on 12/13/10, and of course the death of Alexis. It just dawned on me that I experienced two MAJOR MAJOR losses in a year and a half, no wonder I feel sad right now . WOW !! But I am trying to not cave into sadness and focus on all the good things. As I said in a post earlier this week that is easier said than done. THANK YOU FRIENDS FOR TRAVELING THIS PAINFUL JOURNEY WITH ME AND SUPPORTING ME ALONG THE WAY. I MEAN THAT FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART. NOW TO SHARE MY MANY BLESSINGS. One of the greatest joys I have through this tragedy is of course our Riley Roo, she blesses me every day. This morning as Riley and I were getting ready she was excitedly telling me how they were going to make gingerbread men at school today. As she told me this I began to sing , off key I’m sure, “Run, run as fast as you can , you can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.” Riley’s beautiful blue eyes got very large with excitement and she asked me how I knew that song. I just smiled : )) I just love that I can impress someone with my knowledge of nursery rhymes and children’s songs : )) Then Riley got really serious and said “Mommy the gingerbread man is pretend right ? Like a fairy tale?” I just nodded and got a little nervous not sure where this pretend stuff was leading. She sighed with relief and said good because she didn’t want her gingerbread man to run away as fast as he could : )) That brought a huge smile to my face as I assured her that her gingerbread man wouldn’t be going anywhere!! Then I got another God Wink through my dear friend Linda who I taught with in Amarillo and who was pregnant at the same time I was pregnant with Alexis. We shared our pregnancies. She was scrolling through the news feed and saw Alexis’ certificate for being a donor then a little further down she came across Tabitha’s Wish. She clicked it to read and this was the photo on the page. WOW!!! I don’t think it is a coincidence that there is an owl in this photo . I just love God Winks !! The photo of this is on my page. As I thought of the anniversary of my daddy’s death , and I always called him daddy even though the relationship was so messed up, I thought about leading him to the Lord on Oct. 9, 2010. I am so very thankful God gave me the courage to do that. It was one of my most important assignments of my life I believe and I thank God every day that I completed it. Then I thought of when he passed. He had aspirated on something while eating at the nursing home and was taken to the hospital. He had a DNR and from the X-ray it showed there was something lodged in his lungs so nothing could be done, the doctors told me it was just a matter of time before he would pass. Melanie, one of my BFF’s, met me at the hospital so I would not be alone AND brought me Starbucks which was and is so very important for my grief process : )) After she left I sat in the room with him and recited Psalm 23 and Psalm 91 over and over until I fell asleep in the chair leaning onto his bed. At about 1:30 in the morning I was awakened by a dream of my mother, it was so strange to dream of her. I sat up quickly remembering where I was and I looked at my dad’s oxygen levels which had dropped dramatically. He took his last breath within 5 minutes. I think God had my momma wake me up so I could say goodbye to my daddy. I JUST LOVE GOD SO MUCH. That was so special because he was the last of my immediate family. I sat with him awhile then I left and drove home to Wylie and crawled into my bed and cried. I cried for my daddy and all the things he missed out on in his life because he wouldn’t let himself feel after David died. But God spoke to me in that moment reminding me of some powerful words from Steve Farrar “it doesn't matter if you've had a great start in the Christian life, or a rough one. It doesn't matter if you've stumbled time and again, or even fallen flat on your face. What matters most in this all-important race of life is how you finish” HE reminded me that my dad finished his race by making Jesus his Lord and Savior and that is all that really matters now that he is gone. I then drifted off into a peaceful sleep. So from all of this I know God is telling me Alexis and my dad are safe with him. How awesome that he is reminding me of all my blessings even when I doubt. Feeling so much better because I am now focusing on God and not my loss. On this 6 month anniversary I want to share my FAVORITE photo of Alexis and Riley. What beautiful eyes they both have. Sadly I learned this week that they could not use Alexis’ cornea’s because so much glass was imbedded in them but that is okay He told me she helped so many and made a huge donation with her gift. Of course as with my monthly tradition I will later share her video. Feeling HIS presence as if HE is cradling me in HIS arms, it is beautiful .See More

A Revelation revealed!! I need to forgive !!

Mark 11:25-26

New International Version (NIV)

²⁵ And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.” ^[26

I had a revelation yesterday as I listened to MY sermon : )) Lately I have felt I had some unforgiveness in my heart and I have diligently been working on that . Praying for anyone that I felt I was holding a grudge against, racking my brain and heart wondering what offense I’m holding onto  that is blocking me from  being closer to God. I want more than anything to be obedient to the Lord but  I have still felt a little unsettled. Here is how this revelation was revealed : )))

The other morning I noticed Warner as he was sitting on the edge of his bed with his head held down. He was just looking into the dresser with a far away look  in his eyes. There was such a look of sadness on his face and his posture suggested brokenness . My heart hurt for him. His pain was so evident but I knew there was nothing I could do to ease it, he just needed to feel it.  His brokenness was imbedded in my mind.

Yesterday morning as I listened to my message in my head  : )) I had  a déjà vu moment  as that picture of Warner in  his pain and brokenness surfaced in my mind and I was instantly  taken back to June 5^th of 1999. I was standing in my father’s garage. We had just returned from Panhandle, Texas  where we had attended my beloved sister’s funeral. My father was standing in his door way barely able to hold himself up because the burden of grief was so very heavy. As I looked at him I didn’t know if he would ever recover from this tragic loss of his favorite child,  honestly he had never recovered from David’s suicide. 

With tears streaming down his face he asked me if I was okay because  some people had expressed concern about me. I was not okay by any means, I was using  meth every day and had even taken it  on the plane to use before/ during/ and after  Kathey’s  service.  That was the only way I could function  ( or so I thought ). Honestly I was a mess and things were spiraling out of control at such a fast rate.

But as I looked at this man who had always been bigger than life to me, who I wanted to be proud of me more than anything, who I just wanted to hear the words “I love you Susan” come from his mouth and see his eyes light up at the mention of my name as they did when he thought of Kathey : as I looked at him in this state I saw his weakness and I was shocked. He wasn’t who I perceived him to be and I knew he couldn’t handle the truth which I wasn’t ready to admit either so I lied and said I was fine .  (But on some level I resented him because what I really wanted was to run into his open arms and say “Daddy please help me I am hurting so badly". And for him to hug me tightly and say “It will all be okay, I will take care of you and fix everything“ , I wanted him to comfort and assure me but I had to comfort and assure him)

As the images of my dad and Warner collided I realized I needed to forgive them  (because sub consciously I was holding an offense against both of them). I needed to forgive them for letting me down and not living up to the expectations that I had built up in my mind that men are always strong and will take care of you. Those unrealistic expectations were impossible for them to attain. 

As this revelation dawned on me it helped me to find forgiveness for my dad on a much deeper level, forgiving his neglect of me as a teenager .  All the walls he built up to keep people out were a result of his weakness and fear of facing the truth. It seems his mantra for life after David died and more so after Kathey’s death became  “Keep people at a distance and then you won’t be hurt”  “Don’t feel  because it hurts too bad”  but of course the problem with that is when you don’t feel you might not feel the pain but you don’t feel the joy either   and you miss out on so much.

This realization helps me to forgive Warner for not dealing with the grief of losing our daughter the way I think he should. He is doing the best that he can and he is a good man with a wonderful heart.  My heart feels a little lighter now.

Another realization that came to light is I need to forgive myself for surviving. I believe there has been a type of survivor’s guilt that I made it through, barely but I MADE IT : )))   I chose to cling to the strength God instilled in me  and I can’t feel guilty that mother and daddy didn’t. Their  destruction was not my fault  and it wasn’t my fault they didn’t choose life and HIS light. I can’t feel bad that I did !! So today from the depth of my heart I forgive those who let me down and I forgive myself for hanging on and surviving the pain.

And as I finished writing Bubble Guppies was on in the background and I heard the familiar Hoot of an Owl and glanced at the TV to see a cute MOON Owl. I think that was a sign I am on the right track : ))